Original subtitles

Mmm.

Well, this fake meat is off the hook.

What's it called again?

Seitan.

Seitan. I'm going to have to kiss it up to God.

Because the devil put his cloven hooves in this.

Well, I... I have got to go.

Lynn, I'm sorry no one showed up, but the party was great.

Oh, yes. No, don't. It hasn't even started yet. It's like 9 .30.

Everyone's going to get here around 10.

We're going to tank up, and then we're going to hit this new club downtown

around 11 .30.

The only thing I'm going to be hitting around 11 .30 is my pillow.

You know what?

I got to get going, too.

You know, now that I have my Costco black card.

I'm so excited because I get to get in really early, you know, with the

restaurateurs and the high -class vendors.

I know. You all are old.

I know you just didn't call Joan old.

What? No, I thought you both old.

I mean, look at you. We used to know how to hang. It's like you've given up on

life. And we used to stay up, tie one on, dance till our feet hurt, party like

it's 1999.

That's because it was 1999.

Good night, Lynn.

Good night.

by the American Council of Geriatric Physicians.

Oh, shit.

I am an old stupid.

Hello?

Joan? Hi.

I know. I'm watching, too. I'm excited. I think we're going to learn how to make

fringe balls.

Fuck them balls. Get dressed. We're going out.

Girl, we're going to go catch up with Lynn at the club.

No, we're not.

Girl, I'm in my comfy clothes. My contacts are out. And my tea is the

temperature. Joan, back away from the sleepy time. It's party time.

Get dressed. I'm coming over.

No, Maya, I'm comfortable.

No, you're a hop, skip, and a jump away from adult diapers and a medic alert

bracelet.

Come on, Maya. Joan, you have not fallen, and you can still get up. Bye.

Joe? Girl, you ready?

Yeah, almost.

Here we go.

What in the hell are you wearing?

What? I look good.

Honey, if you're going to the Cotton Club with Dorothy Dandridge and the

Nicholas Brothers... What?

Amaya, come on. It's retro.

It's a throwback.

Yeah, well, you know what? You need to throw it back in your closet, all right?

And put on something that doesn't make you look like Mary McLeod Bethune.

Five minutes, she's gone. We need to find somewhere to sit down before my

start barking. Okay, I told your bougie ass to wear some flip -flops, but you

insisted. It's not in my character.

Jimmer's here.

Oh, my God.

There's their college kid I slept with.

Okay, that could be anyone. We're going to need more.

Sanders, the guy from UCLA.

I sort of flagged that on his rally.

Little cutie in the black shirt.

And what rally was that?

Hot Wheels.

He looks about 12.

I don't know. I think she's more like a 9 and a half.

Oh, you guys are talking about age.

Say, hey, club rats.

William, what are you doing here?

Yeah, and what are you wearing?

I met up with the posse at Lynn's house.

Had my free drink on, and then running, manned it over to the club.

I thought, where's Monica?

And why did she let you out of the house wearing that shirt?

Well, she fell asleep on me, so I had to leave her.

You know, having a woman with a child is like having a child.

So once I fed her and burped her and put her to bed, I was able to have some

time to myself and bring out Party William.

Who's that?

And why is he wearing that shirt?

That's me.

Back when I was running the streets.

Fresh Prince was still in Bel -Air.

Cameo was at the top of the charts.

Ow.

So are you planning on staying home or just ignoring me all night?

I'm not ignoring you. You are ignoring me. I am not. R2.

How would you know I was ignoring you unless you were also ignoring me? Look,

I was ignoring you, which I'm not, it's because I don't really want to talk to

you. Well, who said I wanted to talk to you? Well, if you didn't, why'd you come

over here?

So you'd know that. Oh, this is so high school.

I'm in college.

Whatever, major loser.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hi.

Hi, yourself.

Want to buy a drink?

Sure. Barkeep?

Can I have a drink for the lady?

I should warn you, though.

This is just a one -night thing.

No, it's not a one -night stand.

I don't do those anymore.

Not since the Tina Marie debacle.

One second, you're front row center dancing to Square Biz and then the

Let's just say I didn't need to wait for the Chappelle show to hear, I'm Rick

James, bitch!

Lost three days out of my life and was almost kicked out of law school.

So you're a lawyer.

Whoa. Easy, sister.

I'm also married.

And my wife's pregnant.

Look, here's the ton of ground.

Thank you.

Oh, I understand.

If you can't have it all, why cheese yourself?

Beans. Not my party shirt.

You know what, Maya? Lynn was right.

We are way too old. to be out at a club like this.

We could be at home watching TV and knitting.

Yeah, but then we'd be at home in bed being old. Here we're out in bed acting

young.

I could be halfway through Aaron's head warmer right now.

Can I get you anything else?

Oh, yeah, actually, can I get another basket of fries and this time easy on

salt? Thanks.

Would you like to order a drink?

Actually, you know what? I would like some more water because you guys are

getting a little lax.

on the refill?

I think he meant alcohol.

Yes, he did.

Oh, you know what? Can I see your wine list?

Red or white?

Uh, what are your red?

Red.

No, no. I mean, like, Cabernet, Merlot, Bordeaux.

Red.

Okay. Where are you going? Hello? I was still talking.

Ugh.

You know what?

I'm gonna go up there and order my drink myself.

Oh, okay, girl. Also, see if they have a blanket.

Careful, Nippy.

You don't know how much I appreciate this man.

Yeah, you could show me.

I wonder how much the dry cleaners would have charged.

Hey.

You know, I met Taylor Dayne while I was wearing this shirt.

Oh, yeah. She was hot for a minute, huh?

She's not the only one.

I met Paul Abdul when she was a Laker girl.

Hung out with Morris Day before he shook off the time.

All while wearing this shirt.

You know what that means?

You didn't have a lot of clothes.

No.

Good things happen to me when I wear this shirt.

Double beads! My party shirt!

Can I see your wine list? Red or white?

He doesn't mean the list. He means the wine. They've only got two kinds.

Are you a regular?

Oh, I'm just here with my girlfriends, you know.

Would you like to dance?

What? Oh, I can't. I'm sorry.

No, no, I can.

It's just that I shouldn't.

Not that I'm Amish or have a fake leg or anything.

Not that I'm that girl on Dancing with the Stars. Why,

was she Amish?

No, no, she had a fake leg.

Oh.

No.

So, um... Is that a yes or a no?

Oh, I'm...

I'm still not sure.

Well, why don't you think about it while we dance?

Over there. A little bit. Sorry.

A little handstand. I got

it. You got it.

Little hips.

Side to side.

There you go.

And you can just pop it out.

All right. All right.

Well, it just does.

Why?

Because Aaron's over there and I'm here.

Look, I want to go home. Where's my bag?

The hell?

Okay, you're my ride and I am not leaving. Plus, I spent a $25 cover

this bed and I'm going to lie in it.

Look, I'm just saying, okay?

I mean, I'm sure Aaron doesn't want you sitting at home all sad and mopey.

Jones, seriously, girl, how is that helping him?

Well, I can't help it.

I feel sad and mopey, and I just don't...

I promise you're not going to leave.

I promise.

I promise. What are you doing?

That's why I've got your shoe.

Well, it looks like the stain is all out.

All right.

Have a shirt and we'll party.

You know, without this shirt, I'm just a dude hanging out in the men's room in

my underwear.

Just so we're clear, we're no longer that kind of bar.

Well, better get on back out there.

Oh, the shirt's still hot.

Hey, what's that you got there?

Oh,

it's on the grand picture, my baby.

Let me guess.

First one, right?

Yep.

I should have known.

I can't tell you how many first -time fathers I get coming in here wearing

outdated shirts trying to recapture their youth.

I don't know if I'm trying to recapture anything.

There's a lot of us out there, huh?

Time to let it go, right?

No.

You can't look back for your glory days.

Because they're all ahead of you.

I never really had any glory days. That's kind of why I'm here tonight.

Trying to get real cool real quick.

You know, this may come as a surprise to you, but I wasn't that cool when I was

younger.

I think I may have stretched the truth a little bit earlier.

So you mean that you and your shirt never really rocked the house?

Oh, no, I'm pretty sure the shirt rocked the house.

I got it at a yard sale. They say it belonged to Charlie Sheen.

So you're trying to get real cool real quick because you're about to become a

daddy. Yeah.

I guess I'm about to become a daddy and I... I don't know, I don't want to raise

no nerd.

I know what that's like.

It was hard enough running away from bullies in the 80s.

Now they can text your location.

Oh, man, you know, take it from a man who has seven kids.

They come out who they are.

The fact of the matter is, you don't have much to do with it.

All you have to do is just guide them and love them.

The rest is their journey.

What about getting into Coolville?

Well, you're not going to help them much with words like Coolville.

You ready to put this shirt on? It's all dry.

Nah, I'll leave that with you.

You can pass it on to the next guy coming through here trying to get the

burg.

Thanks, friend.

My pleasure, William.

Oh, hey, Demi.

Where's Ashton?

I'm just playing it cool, you know, making him sweat.

Someone needs to tell him that because he looks pretty happy.

Uh -huh.

Who the hell are they?

Those women are all over... Age appropriate?

Over my man.

This boy seems to be more than a toy.

He seems pressed.

I am not pressed.

What's he doing? Is he looking at me?

I don't know. Look yourself.

I look like I want him to look at me? How would that look?

Why are you playing games with this little boy?

Oh, shoot, I don't know.

I'm not good at it. I always used to be the young hottie. Now I actually have to

work for it.

God, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I need to face it.

I'm as dried up as you two hags.

You know, I need to sit my old ass down.

Okay, well, before you start gumming on soft food, why don't you just go over

there and talk to him?

I mean, stop playing games. Tell him...

That's a good point.

I'll be right back.

Okie dokie. Get it here.

Youngins. What are we going to do with them?

Hey, I know you're so mad at me for not performing at the rally, and I am sorry.

But I had a choice to make, and it wasn't easy, but I had to do it.

And I don't want to play games.

I still think about you a lot.

Especially when I recycle.

And the fact that you're playing games makes me think that maybe you haven't

stopped thinking about me either.

Or maybe you have.

Okay.

This is awkward.

I like your belt. It was nice talking to you.

Girl.

I gotta get the recipe for these fries.

Um, they're fries, Maya. It's potato and oil.

Uh -uh.

It's like they doctored it up with some lard or something.

Oh, God, I love this song!

Oh!

Oh!

I'm gonna dance!

I told you I can't.

You wanna dance? Dance.

Aaron won't mind.

You know you love this song.

Well, I'm not gonna dance with that guy.

Excuse me.

All right.

Come on.

Put your shoe on.

All right. Let's do this. Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

Kitty, can you hit this up with a smidge more long?

Thank you.

That's so sweet. Oh, my God. Let's do it. Come on.

That's fun.

How'd it go?

Oh, don't ask.

It's dancing in front of me. All right.

I don't need that no more. The hell? You're out here dancing in your studies.

Okay. Looks like the game just got interesting.

See ya.

Bye.

So?

How you doing?

I'm good.

Very good.

Thank you, Maya. Thank you.

Hey, dude.

Hey.

You know how I do it?

If you don't get your hat off on me, you're going to see how I do it. No

problem. I just needed a couple of seconds in cool, though.

Excuse me, folks.

We're closed.

You gotta go.

Oh, Monica, give me five more minutes.

I said we're closed.

You got two minutes before I call the police.

Oh, okay.

I'm up.

What? I'm up. I can still hang.

My bones are cold.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Get off. Oh, those garlic fries.

Oh, I'm repeating.

But I still got it.