Original subtitles

So how's your pregnancy going, man?

Monica okay?

Yeah, she's all right, you know.

She's real tired, real bitchy, throws up all the time.

Yeah, same old, same old.

Yeah, well, she'll be feeling a lot better in the second trimester.

And so will you.

Why? All I'm saying is take your vitamins and get plenty of rest, because

something about them hormones kicking in makes them horny as hell.

Really? She's going to wear you out.

Really? Boy, then, once the baby comes, she ain't gonna give you nothing for a

long time.

Really?

For how long?

Because you know Papa has his needs.

You know it's not gonna be the same once you get back at it.

Why? Because of the baby fussing and crying and everything?

No, man, things change on a woman after they have a baby.

I mean, some things are nice, like to get a little fuller up top, although

Monica doesn't need any help in that department.

She's pretty hot, though, isn't she?

You know, other things get bigger, too.

What are you talking about?

You know how a sweater stretches out of shape and somebody bigger puts it on?

Well, it's like that.

Oh!

Not Miss Kitty!

Everybody, I made a special drink to toast Monica and William because I know

that they are going to be great parents.

Well, let's hope they're raising kids as fun as it was making them.

To William and Monica.

So what the hell is it?

It's aromatic cucumber watermelon water infused with organic mint from my very

own herb bed.

It needs to be infused with some gin.

Monica is pregnant. She can't drink.

So? More blue Sprite?

That must be my hors d 'oeuvres.

Actually, my doctor says I'm allowed to have a glass of wine now and then.

Oh, hell no.

What kind of crack y 'all taking my baby to?

Your baby? You mean my baby?

Your baby, my baby. It took the village, boo.

Well, it's... If you must know, I go to one of the best OBGYNs in Los Angeles.

Only the best for Miss Kitty.

I mean, Monica.

Oh, really?

Well, if he's the best, why is he pushing Moonshine?

Maya, chill.

That's not even your business.

Besides, you're a pregnant woman. You drink all the time.

You know, they also yodel and eat stinky cheese. Are y 'all advocating that for

my baby, too?

Maya, what are you talking about?

What? I'm just... You know, I let go of not being with a new child, and you just

come right on in and steal what's mine, and then liquor it up.

Speaking of liquoring up, why don't you knock back some?

That's confit quesadilla with fresh cilantro, also from my very own bed.

Excuse me. Okay, I don't want my baby grazing on Joan's voodoo herbs all fancy

free. Excuse me, the baby has not built up his immunities yet.

Mmm, Joan, you know, this is good, but do you have some hot sauce?

I mean, I know I'm only a month in, but I am craving spicy food.

That's funny, you know, because the baby probably gets that from Darnell, you

know? He puts hot sauce on absolutely everything.

You know, it's like Patti LaBelle, except he keeps the little man first.

They don't need to know all that. What? Why don't you just hush and eat?

And Maya, I assure you, there is no Darnell in my baby.

You say that now, but when my baby comes out with those big Wilkes ears, you'll

be humming a different tune.

That baby comes out with Darnell's big ass ears. The tune will be the theme

from Dumbo.

I can't believe we got in.

Did you see all those wannabes and losers behind that rope just clamoring

in?

Telling lies, flashing lady lumps, screaming me, me, me.

Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

Lynn, you know, you could have given me a heads up if we were already on the VIP

list. I did. I checked out all your boobature on my cell phone.

Now, listen.

We're in the VIP, so don't be acting all J -O -A -N.

What's J -O -A -N?

Hey.

Lynn.

Hey.

Now listen, I got in here because my manager's tight with Erica B.

That's Badu to you.

That is so cool.

I've never met Erica Badu.

That's not about to change, boo.

Lynn, why are you being so mean? You could have invited anybody out.

Joan, it never even occurred to me to invite anybody out. You're my best

Joan. Hey, Lynn. Hey.

And this must be your best friend, Maya.

No, no, it's my best friend, Joan.

No, no, no. My assistant put it right here on my phone.

Yeah, Maya Wilkes, Lynn's best friend.

Oh. Oh, well, it's fine. I'll be whoever you need me to be.

Just as long as I get to meet Erykah Badu.

Right.

I think you told your friend that wasn't going to happen, right? Our time.

This is us, right here.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, champagne.

Yippee.

This is for us, right?

Yes, it's for us. We're celebrating.

Celebrating? Celebrating what?

Dirty Girl Records wants to be in business with you.

Oh, my God. I'm going to be a dirty girl?

They came through with a deal. Oh, my God.

Come by my office tomorrow around noon. We'll sign the deal memo.

Okay. Bunch tomorrow. Let's go right now.

I hate to butt in, but I'm butting in.

You'll have to excuse my lackluster attitude, but deal?

It's a little vague, so no offense, Stephen, but I used to be a lawyer.

Well, now you own a restaurant, so if it ain't about food, nip it.

You'll be happy for me. I'm happy for you because they're offering $50 ,000

signing advance and 7 % royalty.

Wow.

Why take it all back? I mean, that sounds impressive.

Well, yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Didn't Dirty Girl Records give

flats triple that?

The retail sluts are selling out huge venues all over the place. I mean, I'm

saying that you're not going to get there, but right now, you're no retail

Why not? Because I'm not some prepubescent blonde rock star who

deep? Well, guess what? That's not who I am.

The music industry is in flux.

They're not taking chances anymore, but they're willing to take a chance on you,

so you need to be happy with what they're offering.

Yeah, I mean, Lynn, there was a time when you were scrounging for 50 cents in

couch. This is $50 ,000.

I mean, you need to be jumping for joy.

Just nip it, John, okay? Or I'll nip it for you. You know me, nipping and

sipping.

Erica, my dear ladies and gentlemen.

Listen,

Steve, you don't get up there like her without knowing your worth.

And I know my worth.

So this flimsy little record, it's not going to cut it.

Lynn. No.

You work for me, not them.

If I make more money, you make more money.

So go get us our money.

You brand new, Matthew!

Do you?

Yeah,

I can't put my finger on it.

Something's not right with Maya.

Well, with all due respect, I know you love her, but I've always said

something's not right with Maya.

No, something's different.

She's acting all manic like the other night with all the jokes.

Well, your ears are kind of big.

No, man, all them baby jokes that she was making.

About how she kept saying that your baby was her baby.

Well, that's what she's like.

She's possessive.

When she worked at the firm, it was her firm.

It was her corner office. It was her law degree.

Do you know twice I had to walk home because she drove off in what you called

her BMW?

No, seriously, and I'm starting to worry about it.

Look, you two just had a miscarriage.

And now Monica is pregnant. That cannot be easy on her.

if it makes her feel good to make a few crazy jokes in a letter.

You think?

Oh, she'll be back to her old self in no time.

Speaking of getting back to your old self, I've been kind of thinking about,

well, hell, obsessing about the big stretchy sweater thing.

I don't want to get all up in your business, but did Maya's sweater ever go

to a petite?

I don't know, man.

I'm feeling uncomfortable.

Well, I know you guys were in high school, and I know back then the body

has a snap back to it.

I know what you're trying to get to, and I ain't trying to get to it. Well, you

brought it up for a reason.

I was just talking, trying to get into your head, and that's what you gained.

Well, now you're in my head.

But nothing else.

Is my pig going to be warm and snug in a blanket?

Cold and floundering.

Big old pillow with tent.

William, here.

This book's going to tell you everything you need to know before delivery.

This one, everything after delivery.

Here, and this pamphlet is going to explain to you why her breasts are going

leak.

Leaking?

Not Moe and Curly.

Why you calling Moe and Curly?

Darnell, man, come on, that's personal.

Come on, tell me more about Maya's stretched -out nether region.

You really gonna need this one.

It's all about postpartum depression.

What's she got to be depressed about?

I'm the one losing Miss Kitty Moe and Curly.

What the hell?

These are Maya's.

Take one daily as needed.

Oh, man, these are amphetamines.

She's taking speed?

I knew it. I knew she was acting crazy, talking all that my baby crap. It's

these damn pills. Oh, calm down, Darnell. Yes, they're uppers, but

prescribed.

That could be what they give women in her condition.

Then how come I didn't know about it, huh? Why is she hiding them behind my

vagina myself?

Does she know I ain't gonna look behind her damn butt?

You can't come out of the gate all heated.

All right? You could set her off. She's all hopped up.

She might have the crack strength.

Oh, cataloging all my herbs in alphabetical order, noting their healing

properties. I'm up to H.

Horny gut weed.

I think that one's self -explanatory.

Missing errands. A little bit.

So, did Steve get you a better deal?

Clunk, Steve. I called Dirty Girl Records myself, and I put it plain. They

take it or leave it.

Is that smart?

Sure. What if they leave it?

They won't.

Look, I'm not asking for the moon.

I told them that I wanted $150 ,000 cash advance, 15 % royalties, a three -album

deal, and options on my own publishing when I blow up.

And snacks.

Lynn, you're going to end up losing your deal.

I know what I'm doing, Joan.

Lynn, you never know what you're doing.

Well, this time, I do.

Look, you may know the law, a few things about running a restaurant, and

everything about losing a man.

But me?

I know the music business.

They will meet my turn.

Come three o 'clock today, I will be a dirty girl.

Hurrah.

Lynn, it's two minutes after four.

Any minute.

Lynn?

Five o 'clock.

Who are you, big...

What happened?

I got a deal.

Oh, my God!

They met most of my terms, except for they won't budge on the big one.

The advance?

No, the snack.

Oh.

Come on, baby, let's go again.

No! Not unless you carpet these stairs or move to the bed.

I am not 19 anymore. I need some cushion.

Let's go upstairs.

No!

since I walked in.

You didn't let me get up for my mid -sex pee break.

Well, go now.

No! My lower back hurts! Well, walk it off, woman! Come on! We ain't got much

time!

Time for what?

Time for what?

Nig Roy, I'm sitting here with a dislocated toe. You better fess up.

Hey, I told you to butter it up before we played hide -the -toe.

But I've done some research, and I've read some books, and not everything

Gonna snap back after we give birth.

Are you worried about Miss Kitty?

Not for me, no.

But for you.

And for us.

And Big Willie did voice a concern or two.

Oh, honey.

Miss Kitty is a show cat.

You ain't never lied.

There's no way I'm gonna jeopardize her blue ribbon.

Really?

Oh, thank goodness.

So, wait, what are you... Are you going to have a C -section?

No, my people keloid. Now, how that's going to look when I'm nude sunbathing

Saint -Tropez?

So, I scheduled a tightening right after.

They can do that?

They can do anything.

Although it may not be necessary.

I come from a long line of... Hey,

baby, I'm late.

Have dinner ready in a few minutes.

How long?

Um, I don't know, a half hour tops.

Don't play me stupid, Maya.

Okay, give me an hour to wash the grains.

What? They're a prescription from a doctor.

A prescription for what?

Okay, you know what the real question here is, Darnell? Why the hell are you

going through my stuff?

Because you're my wife.

And you're not right right now.

Well, you know what? You ain't never right. And guess what? I don't go

your things, okay?

Maya, I got all my dancing shoes. We could dance all night.

The doctor told me to take them, okay?

He told you to take one a day.

And this is a two -week prescription.

It's filled three days ago.

There's two pills left.

Now, the math ain't adding up.

Add it up for me, Maya.

Yeah, whatever.

Stop it, Donald. Give it to me. Just give it to me.

Give it to me!

What's wrong with you?

This is not your fight, okay?

It's not my fight? No!

So you can struggle for some damn drugs, but you can't fight to make me

understand why you would need to do this. It's not for you to understand

you can't.

Well, help me understand, Maya.

Why would you take that? What the hell is wrong with you?

All right, fine.

Since the miscarriage, I've been having some bad days, okay?

Baby, come to me when you have a bad day.

I'm trying to be strong.

I'm not sick of you trying to be strong.

We lost a baby. It's okay to cry. I do cry.

No, you cry for show, for dramatic. Shut up! Shut up!

That's not true.

It's like you don't even know how to be vulnerable anymore. Shut up!

Just shut up!

Just shut up!

You have no idea. God, I hate you right now.

You have no idea. You have no idea how hard it is trying to be vulnerable when

you have to be strong for everyone around you. No, you don't get it.

Stop it!

The minute you let your guard down, Darnell, you lose.

And guess what?

I'm not prepared to lose.

But we did lose.

It's time to grieve.

Come on, baby. Just give me the pills, all right?

Come on.

I got you.

I mean, you're my manager. You work for me. I shouldn't have to be going around

negotiating my own deal.

And don't ever not be willing to ask for more because that only sells me short.

I mean,

I hear you loud and clear. We're on the same page.

Good. Now go back to Dirty Girl Records and get me those snacks.