Original subtitles

Where's the mouse?

The question is, where's the doorbell?

What?

Tonya came barging in here again without ringing the bell.

Lynn, I am not on the hot seat here. You are. Maya called me, and she told me

about the mouse.

I lived in this house for ten years, and I never had a pest problem.

Besides you.

Stop tripping. The mouse is gone.

Oh. Good.

My cat got rid of him.

What cat?

Killer. I got him from the pound.

When you can't have a cat, the lease has a very clear no -pet policy.

Kibble's not a pet.

He's an employee.

And he keeps the house pet -free, and I pay him with kibble and love.

Joan,

before you go off, JoJo is not my pet.

He's my percussionist.

He's not half bad.

Don't forget your lunch.

Why don't you pack me? You like ham and cheese, right?

Yeah. Good. You'll get that tomorrow.

Today you get leftover chicken, dark meat.

You know you like it.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, baby. Check the caller ID. Is it 212 area code?

Yeah. Then don't pick it up. It could be my publishing company.

So? So they want their third book and I'm not ready to give it to them yet.

My, they're just going to call back.

Well, if they call back, tell them I went on a writer's retreat up in the

off the grid, and I cut my hair into a little short afro.

Why do you have a little short afro somewhere all up off the grid?

That way they know I'm serious about my writing and I didn't have time to get my

hair did.

Speaking of which, I got to get dressed and get my hair did.

I thought we had a baby appointment today.

We do.

After I get my hair did.

Maya, you know I can't be at the doctor's after you get your hair did. I

be at the garage.

Don't know. Come on, baby.

Baby, come on. I'm sorry, okay?

The doctor can look at our baby anytime.

But Ronnie can only squeeze me in between a press and bump and a

William, where have you been?

Uh, jogging.

You went jogging without me?

Well, I had to get an early start this morning. I didn't want to wake you.

We always go jogging together.

Well, it's still early.

Get out there, woman, and pound the pavement.

I said we always go jogging together.

I love jogging together, but I have to get out early this morning. I have to

file a brief, prepare a deposition.

Ooh, I'm going to get my edges edged.

But we're still in our honeymoon phase, and I just want to do everything with my

boo. Of course you do.

So? Let's make our morning smoothie.

Well, Monica, you sure you want to keep down in those smoothies?

Why not?

They're not exactly smoothing out the old hips, now, are they?

See, I know you're not calling me fat.

Oh, Monica, I'm not calling you fat.

I'm calling those pudgy little fingers fat.

You know what? I'm going to leave before I make your lip fat.

Here's your coffee, baby.

What? Oh, well, okay.

Good morning to you, too.

Lynn!

Lynn!

Why are my trash cans still out on the street? And why are you always busting

here like I got contraband in my house?

Which I don't anymore.

Leaving my trash cans out on the street.

Makes my neighbors think that I'm slovenly and I don't care.

Joan, they're not thinking about you. You don't live here anymore.

They don't know that.

Yeah, they do. The whole neighborhood threw a block party to celebrate.

Whatever.

Hi, I'm Joan.

Who is this?

None of your business.

Lynn, I don't want strangers in my house. He slept here last night, so he's

a stranger.

Oh, really?

What's his name?

Not a stranger.

Joan, bye -bye.

Go. Look, Lynn, I'm serious. Who is this man? He doesn't even talk. What is he,

mute?

Oh, wow.

Well, I'll be damned.

That explains a lot about last night.

I'm late.

Since I go into Ronnie's Salon, it's like going to Costco in the hood.

I picked up dinner, bought these bangles, got some beef jerky for Jabari,

oh, got my cute heel pick.

Have you lost your mind?

Now, you know the doctor said you're supposed to stay off your feet because

your fibroids.

Well, how do you know what my doctor said?

Because I called her when I couldn't reach my wife.

Darnell, you know that Ronnie has a no -cellphone policy up in this salon.

Oh, but folks can come all up in there selling assorted meats and what... You

know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That ain't even the point. That

ain't even the point.

Why did you change the appointment anyway? Baby, you know how much I wanted

be there.

Darnell, it's not like they were looking at any new pictures. They were just

looking at the... At the positioning of the fibroids.

Well, if you have all the information, why are you all up in my face?

Because I'm worried, baby. I'm concerned.

I've been pregnant before, Darnell, okay? I know what I'm doing.

Yeah, see, but this time around, you got a delicate womb. And until you get

through the first trimester, the doctor said you need to stay off your feet for

at least four hours a day.

I was off my feet.

When I got my hair, it is.

Sorry. I changed the appointment, okay?

You know something? You act like you're in this pregnancy all by yourself. Like

last night.

when I kindly suggested that you have some more spinach. And you snapped at me

and said, I don't want no damn spinach. I want chips and guac.

Guac's green. Calm down.

Okay. Well, since we're being all honest, you just all up on me all the

No, you just want me barefoot, pregnant, eating spinach, and looking a hot mess.

Sweetie, I just want to be there.

I'm trying to make sure that you're doing everything right for our baby. I

to be a part of it. I wasn't when you had Jabari.

Remember? I'm peeping through the window, begging your mother.

Miss Wood, can I see my baby mama?

She'll let you see me eventually.

After I married you and painted her house real quick.

William, what are you doing with our $80 wine and our $50 cheese?

I'm securing the necessary accoutrement to make up with my wife.

Big fight?

Oh. A doozy.

We haven't spoken in two days.

Thanks to you, buddy!

So it worked?

Like a charm.

I know I pledged till death do us part, but I shouldn't have to die in order to

have a minute to myself.

You know, picking that fight gave me a chance to get a brief filed, take a

client out to dinner, even squeeze him around a golf.

Yeah, and I noticed you had time to get your edges edged. Well, you see how I

do.

Oh, I love Darnell.

happy. He's excited about the baby, wants to be a part of it, but... But

Girl, he's just been irritating me.

Tell you what's irritating.

This heifer.

Lynn, Lynn, that Vegematic car of yours is leaking. There is vegetable oil all

over my driveway.

It's not leaking. I just spilled a little when I was filling the tank.

well, from now on, you need to fill it up on the street.

No!

reach. I've got the used oil in the garage.

You're filtering used vegetable oil in the garage?

No.

I'm storing it in the garage. I'm filtering it in the bathtub.

Okay, you too.

Hello?

Oh, hey, baby.

Yeah, yeah, my feet are up.

Um, I don't know, Darnell.

Lynn, how long am I feetin' up?

About half an hour.

Okay, baby, I love you, too.

Bye.

Oh, I swear that man is like the prenatal Nazi.

Yes, Darnell.

Baby, yes, sweetie, my feet are still up. Lynn, will you please tell him?

Darnell, her feet are still up. Darnell, how do you get grease out of concrete?

Love you, baby.

Oh. Oh, so because my husband's a grease monkey, he's supposed to know all

things grease?

it, Darnell.

Yes, baby.

Oh.

Oh, hi.

Hello.

Yes, everything's good.

And in fact, I'm still on that writer's retreat.

Yeah.

And in fact, I'm still plucking dead leaves out of my very short afro.

Excuse me?

Now what now?

What?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Listen, listen, listen.

Hard for you.

Bitch, I just cut off all my hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a nice day, my ass.

That was my publisher.

Good news, I hope.

They're canceling my third book.

Oh, my God, Maya.

I'm so sorry.

But, I mean, totally unrelated, you owe $10 to the bitch jar.

Oh, my God. Now I owe $10 for saying bitch jar. Oh, God, now I owe $20. I did

again.

Man, we all have problems.

Maya, why would they cancel your book, sweetie?

They said that the sales on the second book were way below projection, so... I

don't understand.

I mean, Mama said they sold like hotcakes at the Black Expo.

You know what?

Maya, it's their loss.

No.

No. Ain't nobody lost yet.

Okay? They're gonna want me back once they see my next book.

All right. Now all I got to do is write me a book real quick.

So to sum up, my emboldened sisters, I remind you the rule of three.

Number one,

stake your claim.

Number two,

stay in the game.

And number three, don't place blame.

Oh, my God, that's deep.

I want you to print all of that in boldface, okay? I just want that genius

just jump off the page, okay?

Why, can we just stop for the day?

No. I have somewhere to go, and plus, aren't you just wasting your time? I

they told you your deal was canceled. Hey, don't be putting that negativity up

in my creativity, okay?

Negativity versus creativity.

Chapter four.

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late. I'm here for my shift. I'm here, I'm here, I'm sorry.

It's about time.

Fucking traffic. He lives two blocks away.

I wasn't coming from home. I was at the post office downtown mailing Aaron a

care package.

Free information.

Another care package, Joan? I mean, seriously, how many cookies can the man

He's going to come back from Baghdad with the sugar.

This batch was for him to hand out to the Iraqi children.

Whatever. I'm out of here. I've got a bunch of disgruntled musicians sitting

my front porch waiting to rehearse.

Um, Lynn?

My home is a haven of quiet on a very peaceful street.

My neighbors are not going to stand for a pathel of grunge heads jamming at all

hours of the night.

Then please explain why they booked us for the street fair. My street doesn't

have fairs. It does now that your stodgy ass is gone.

Well, if it weren't for my stodgy ass, you wouldn't be lounging in the garden

spot on Larchmont.

Joan, how can I lounge when you're always busting in on me? Ah, ah, ah.

Don't play the playing.

Hello, I am just a concerned landlord protecting my investment. Oh, well, she

taking her claim. No, you're a messed up control freak with too much damn time

on your hands and a possible voyeuristic streak.

Well, at least I'm not a whore for the hearing impaired.

What? The hearing impaired.

Yeah, I said it. Oh, you say a lot of crap. You two, stop right now. Just stop

it. You say I'm a control freak. You're the one that needs to exercise some

control. You need to stop slutting around.

I mean, are you really that desperate?

Ask the psycho.

You know, I used to wake up at night wondering how...

On earth, you got a man. Don't talk about Aaron. He is over there fighting

our country.

Oh, Joan, he doesn't have any time to fight. He's too busy in the latrine 24

trying to pass your stale -ass cookies. Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, yes, I did. Cow!

Cow! Ow!

Okay, you two, stop it right now. Stop!

You let go. Hey, hey! Oh, no!

I know you are not up in my house stressing out my wife.

Hit it. Y 'all got to go.

No, out. Get out. Get out.

Uh -uh.

That's just great, Darnell. Who's going to type for me now, huh?

You know you can't keep your hand on the home row.

Maya, you've got to back up off this book.

I cannot back up off this book, all right? If I don't give this to my

my writing career is over.

Look, baby, I know you're worried.

And I know how much this book means to you.

But now's not the time. You don't need to be stressing.

The hell? Excuse me.

All right?

I've got loyal readers out there, okay, who can't make a move until they get my

next book.

How can I say this?

Maya, ain't nobody checking for that book.

Monica, sweetie, I'm sorry.

I was way out of line.

I love you.

You're perfection.

I am?

Yeah.

It's completely my fault, and I want this fight to be over.

No, I'm...

Not ready. I'm still angry.

Oh, come on, Monica. Of course you're not fat.

I don't even know why I said that. Well, I know. It's absurd. But that doesn't

change the fact that you said it. And it caught me to the quick. Oh, wait. How

long is it going to take you to get over this? I don't know. Like a day or two

days? I don't know. Ten days? Come on, woman. I've got needs.

William, I just want to finish this book, okay?

Huh?

Look, I was really hurt when you called me fat.

But then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I thought...

Negro, please.

But by that time, I had already reorganized my closet, got a seaweed

got engrossed in this book.

I mean, I can't put it down.

So you want to stay mad so you can have some me time?

Monica, that's really scary.

We're already at the point where we need time apart, and we should still be in

the honeymoon phase. Yeah, I know. It's stupid.

Well, you're damn right it's stupid.

better know because I'm even stupider.

I picked a fight so I could have some me time.

Where the hell would you get a half brain off the wall? Don't make a bit of

sense. Don't know a damn thing about love.

You've been talking to Joe.

Maybe.

William, I thought we agreed when we got back together under no circumstances

were we ever to take relationship advice from Joe. I know, I know.

But I was desperate.

Couldn't shake you.

Oh, look at that.

My bell does ring.

Oh, my bad. I mean your bell.

Lynn, sweetie, I... I just came to... Oh,

I thought I told you to water those plants.

No, no, no, it's okay. I'm sorry.

why I'm here.

I just came to apologize.

I was over the top.

Just because you like to have sex with a wide variety of random meaningless

people does not mean that you're a whore.

Thank you.

And I'm sure that your stale brittle cookies are the only bright spot in

day. And the Iraqi children.

Anyway, As a friend, I'm backing off as your landlord because I am lucky to have

a great tenant like you.

Are you sure?

Because, I mean, you're the one who said this was a bad idea from the get -go.

And you're the one who said you had control issues about this house.

You're the one who said that running to a friend was worse than loaning money to

a friend.

I was wrong.

I shouldn't have said it. You're the one who said that the oil would ruin the

bathtub and all the grout around it.

No, I didn't.

You should have.

Maya, what the hell are you doing?

Just getting some pickles. Go back to bed.

Where are the damn pickles, Maya?

We were out of them, which is why I'm ordering them online.

Maya, I don't even know what else to say.

I've tried reasoning, tried to be caring, but I'm done talking.

I'm just going to sit here and make sure that you take it easy. Darnell, I am

not a child, okay? Then why are you acting like one?

I'm trying to save my writing career, so I'm going to sit here and write my

book. Right now, I don't really give a damn about your career.

Oh, there's the old Darnell, who doesn't care about anyone else's career but his

own. I'm not saying that.

I just want you to wait.

I can't wait. If I wait, I lose momentum.

That doesn't matter. It does.

Not right now, it doesn't. You know what, Donald? I seriously cannot talk to

about this anymore, okay? You're driving me crazy.

I wouldn't be if you would just slow your ass down. Stop telling me what to

Stop working on the damn book, Maya. It's stressing you out. You know, the

thing that's stressing me out is you.

Okay? You're so all up on me. Now you got me so worked up. I'm sitting here,

paying myself.

Maya, that's blood.

Joan, what are you doing here?

Baby steps, Lynn.

Baby steps.