Original subtitles

So, Cousin Penny, tell us about the open house and all the over -the -asking

-price offers that we have.

Girl, remember I told you, the market is soft right now. And girl, I told you, I

don't want to hear that mess.

I hope you showcased the sprinkler system I put in, all right?

Sure did.

And one couple did seem pretty interesting.

And did you also tell them about those padded toilet seats?

From Brookstone.

I didn't have a chance. They ran off when they saw a black man peeping

the bedroom window.

See, I told you we shouldn't be snooping on our own open house. And I told you

to powder down that big shiny head.

The good news is our new building fund is up to $430.

But the bad news is we got to dip in and borrow $300 to pay next month's rent.

I already drafted a tithe reminder for the church bulletin. If you want, I can

send it out as an email. Oh, well, thank you for taking the initiative.

But as a rule, I tend to avoid words like smite and pock and eternal

I'll call it like I see it.

Let's just focus on the positive, shall we?

Now, I've invited Lynn to brainstorm with us because she is creative, and I

think it's time for a little out -of -the -box thinking, you know?

Okay. Well, I've come up with a pledge renewal campaign with a catchy slogan.

I even had a T -shirt printed up. Actually, I have a receipt. I'll need to

reimbursed.

Anyway, so...

is we can make money selling T -shirts. Oh, no. You have crossed the line. I

have held my tongue until now because I believe everyone is a child of God. No,

no. We all up in here trying to hear the word and live by the word and spread

the word. And then here she come with her tattoos and her pagan ways and her

sexed -up choir music and all this.

I think she's the reason why our collections are down.

Uh -uh.

I was just getting changed for my five.

Joan, this is crazy.

How can the city expect someone to bid on foreclosed property sight unseen?

At these prices? Who cares? I mean, the lot alone is worth it. What is that?

I don't know.

I mean, can a brother at least get the engineer report or a walkthrough?

At least a Polaroid. Wait, wait, wait. Go back, go back.

What? Right there.

Look, the West Adams Fixer Upper.

Oh, it's adorable.

How do you know?

No picture.

Come on. It's in the neighborhood that you want. Two baths, large backyard,

quiet street, 3 ,000 square feet. Oh, my God. I love it. Bid on it.

Just like that? No, no, no, no.

Let's at least drive down there and take a look at it. Wait, there's no time.

Come on. The bid's about to close. Bid, damn it, bid.

Jones, this is not no antique waffle iron on eBay.

This is my life savings. This is my future.

Oh, my God. There's already been six bids. Come on. There's another one.

From sexy senior 69.

Oh, come on now. You ain't gonna let some horny old bat take your house.

go. Look, I don't even know what to bid.

It doesn't matter. Just put something in. It doesn't matter if you get it.

get in the mix. Come on.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, okay. What are you doing?

You just maybe been on some house. Not just some house. That's your new house.

Oh, look.

I think you got it.

What the hell?

You mean, what the hell kind of diamond in the rough have you looked into?

Aaron, it's loaded with character.

It's practically a craftsman. I mean, it's loaded with character.

All it needs is, what, like a good cleaning and some paint? It's loaded

character. I bought a damn crack house.

I'm trying to make a joke.

It's not funny.

Aaron, where are you going?

Aaron!

Oh, you ain't leaving me in front of this abandoned crack house.

Hey, babe, I'm ready.

I'm not going.

What do you mean you're not going?

I told Lynn you were coming. You've never seen her thing.

Yeah, I just don't feel like doing anything.

Aaron, come on.

We talked about this. There's a lot to do on the house, but it's nothing that

can't be fixed.

Ha!

Coming from the woman who pushed the send button.

Okay, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were blaming me.

I am.

You pushed the damn send button.

After you typed in the amount.

After you were breathing down my neck about it. Aaron, you asked for my help.

Hey, my fault.

You have... been looking at foreclosed properties for months. You knew what was

out there, so don't blame me.

Too late.

So what do you want me to tell Lynn?

Tell her you pushed the send button.

Look around.

I am.

There's only one means of aggress out of this firetrap.

No, no, no.

These people are really into Lynn.

Yeah. Yeah, she's built up quite a following. Yeah, that's great. You know,

all for supporting Lynn, but this will be my last trip to this port -a -potty.

It's not good for my baby.

Hey. I'm so sorry I'm late, you guys. Hi.

Where's Aaron? Oh, we had a fight.

Our first big fight.

What's that for? For you to start boo -hooing about how Aaron's going to leave

you. So come on, get it over with so we can booze you up in St. John's.

No, Lou.

Nobody is breaking up. We just had a fight.

Couples fight.

Now let's give it up again for our old man, Casey.

What was the fight about?

About how I spent his whole life savings buying a house on an online auction

without his approval.

Oh, girl, he's going to break up with you.

All right, who had April? No, no, no, no, no. Hey, he is not breaking up with

me. You guys,

the house is a great buy. It is loaded with character.

Wait a minute, my house has got a grip of character.

It isn't been sitting on that market like Bill with a Fool.

Look, we've had two open houses. Nobody's even come back for a second.

will they say the market's off right now?

Everyone just stop saying...

I need to get on the horn with God to bless me with a motivated buyer. Can I

a hosanna?

Hey, guys.

Hey! Yay!

Got the hoe.

Now, where's my sauna?

Thanks for talking through my set.

I was missing a rock star. You were on fire.

Aw, thank you.

Just for that, I'm going to donate everything I made tonight to the church.

Really? I wouldn't get too excited, Rev.

She gets paid in bar nuts.

Well, then what's going on?

I see the church. I imagine the steeple.

I step inside.

There ain't no people.

Yeah, you know, I'm kind of wondering where they are myself.

Well, I hope they show up soon. I got a box of Up Viewer shirts in the car

priced to move.

Reverend Parks?

Hey, Tracy, I was wondering where you were. You're usually the first one here

with the altar flowers.

Well, I'm not saying.

I just came down to let you know that most of the congregation met at my house

last night, and we decided...

We don't like what's going on around here.

What's the problem?

Her.

Things are just a little too loose around here ever since she came. Her

is an embarrassment and, frankly, unchristian -like.

Oh, how christian -like of you to say that.

You don't even know me. We know what we see.

And we decided either she goes or we go.

Well, what's it gonna be?

I have a sermon to preach right now, Tree.

Seriously, Eldon, what are you gonna do?

Look, Lynn, after all the preaching I've done, if Tracy Blackwell and the rest

of them can come in here and lay down some crazy ultimatum?

They haven't heard me at all.

But you built this church. You can't just let it go.

I'm not letting it go.

Church is still here.

People are coming.

Six of them, counting us and God.

I can only preach to those who are willing to listen.

But... Lynn, there's no but.

This is God's church.

It's in his hands.

So the doctor said that I didn't need the amnio, you know, because I'm so

So I guess if you were pregnant, they'd have to do a whole battery of old age

tests.

Yeah, I guess.

Are you even listening to what I'm saying?

I just took a hit on your age and your womb, and you didn't say nary a word.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Maya. I'm just thinking about Aaron.

It's okay that he hasn't called, right? I mean, he just needs his face.

Wait a minute.

Last night, you were all confident and secure.

A couple fights.

You weren't concerned.

Hello?

It's me.

I just said that so I'd believe it. I'm trying to grow here.

So, how do you and Darnell work things out after a fight?

Well, if he's in the wrong, I, you know, I give him his space, and I wait for

him to come crawling back.

And if I'm in the wrong, then, you know, I...

I give him his space, and I wait for him to come crawling back.

So I was right to give him his space.

I said that's what I do.

But that's me.

Happily married, got a child, nothing on the way. But you know, you do you.

Wow. Did you tell him that the sprinkler system was installed by a senior

partner in a major law firm?

Yeah, and they still didn't put in a bid.

Who buys, man?

Who needs them?

We're trying to unload this sucker.

You know, I once had a client who had a beautiful condo.

It was on the market for months. Couldn't get rid of it.

Until some gay men moved in next door.

What? Yeah.

Apparently, when gay men move into a neighborhood, it means it's up and

It's hot and happening.

And very well decorated.

Too bad we don't have any gay neighbors.

Yet. Hola!

Mara brought back your quiche pack. Oh, my.

My bad, girl. You're not Mara.

Oh, shoot.

Today is their open house.

You know, you're such a spacey, Stacy.

Hi, I'm Oscar. This is Felix. We live next door.

This house is precious, isn't it?

We have the same floor plan.

But Oscar here transformed it. You should see how my boo do.

I just did that flambougey farmhouse in Provence look.

Our friends thought we were crazy when we moved out here.

Mm -hmm. But now all the gay children are calling it Palm Springs, North.

Mm -hmm.

Tell mine, Darnell, we stopped by.

It was nice meeting you.

Maybe we'll be neighbors.

Bonsoir. Dijon.

What the hell, man? You just said goodnight mustard.

You sounded gay in my head.

Aaron?

Hey. Hey, Joan.

Hi.

I've been calling you and calling you and you haven't answered.

Well, I wasn't ready to talk to you yet.

Hey, Aaron, I know you're mad.

And I understand.

I mean, it's scary to buy a house.

Especially your first house. And I pushed you when I couldn't help it.

And the send button. And the send button.

Aaron, I'm really sorry.

But, sweetie, you can put the house back out on the market.

I'm not selling it.

Okay. Hey, Aaron.

Here's that can of gasoline.

Hey, thank you.

Oh, my God.

You're going to burn this place down?

Actually, I was going to till the soil.

Jerry, this is my girl Joan. Hey, how are you? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet

you, too.

Jerry lives down the street. Good to meet you. Good to meet you.

See, he came over earlier, thinking maybe I had broken in.

So apparently the whole street looks out for one another.

Oh, that's nice.

Turns out that Jerry's house was in worse shape than mine.

But he and his partner Gregory turned it around. You should see it. It's

beautiful.

Oh, wait. So he's gay?

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, my God. Aaron, you struck gold. This neighborhood is about to be hip and

happening.

Look, I love the house.

It's everything I want.

Well, you're not mad at me.

No.

I'm scared.

I've been looking for foreclosed properties for a year now.

I just couldn't do it.

I'd still be looking if I hadn't got the push I needed from you.

And the best thing that ever happened to me.

Don't you leave me, woman.

I'm not leaving you.

Because of a fight, Aaron.

Couples fight.

Okay, God, I was scared to death.

Oh, my God, I haven't slept for...

Me neither.

Especially when I found out this place needs a new floor, a new roof, new

plumbing, new electrical.

There's one foot off the foundation.

All right.

But it's loaded with character.

Thank you. He's been a great audience.

Hager was on fire.

One more time for Lynn Searcy, everybody.

Hey, Lynn, you got a minute?

I've got a proposition for you. Whoa.

I told you, I've already done my last Tijuana run. But gracias.

It's not that kind of proposition.

Oh, my bad.

You've really been packing, man.

And people are always calling, asking when you're going to be going on again.

So, when am I going on again?

Well, that's my proposition.

I want to offer you a regular paying gig.

So, now, you're going to pay me?

Yeah. What do you say?

Throw in some peanuts and some cerveza, and you've got a deal.

Yes!

Lynn.

Hey, Alvin.

So, everybody came back to church.

That's good.

But I guess you'd know that since you called Tracy Blackwell and told her you

were leaving the church.

Were you planning to tell me?

You would have tried to stop me.

Lynn, I told the congregation, if they can't embrace a spirit like yours, they

need to find a new church.

Why would you do that?

Because I love you.

I love you, too.

But, Eldon, you love that church more.

And I can't let you lose it because of me.

There's room in my life for you in the church, Lynn.

Eldon.

Look, we're going down different paths.

And I just found mine, and I love it, and you love yours.

I don't know, maybe if we were younger, we could find a way to go down those

paths together.

They'd dive at night and pass out those tasty communion wafers in the morning.

But we're older, and we know better.

I mean, I'm not cut out to be a minister's wife.

And you're not cut out to be with whatever it is I am.

Well, then I'm just saying out loud what we both know.

Yeah, I know.

I just thought.

No.

I mean, we tried.

I'm sorry.

You have nothing to be sorry about.

You... You opened up my heart.

And you accepted me for who I am. That's a gift to me.

But I'm not sorry about anything, and you shouldn't be either.

And, by the way, I put it on you that day.

One day there's going to be a very satisfied church lady.

Can I get an amen?

We both know it wasn't about the sex.

It was about your spirit.

You showed me that Christians don't have a monopoly.

On having a good heart.

Huh?

Gonna miss you.

You don't have to miss me.

I'm gonna be here every week. And I could wave a cover for a friend.

You got a regular gift?

Oh, yeah. I'm blown up.

I knew you would.

Yeah.

There you go.

Hey, not before you reimburse me for those T -shirts, preacher man.

No, really, it's like $200.

I still can't believe y 'all did that gay thing, but it's a good thing you did

because it worked.

You got your acting right.

And in a soft market, told you Darnell.

But just don't tell my boys.

Or my mom.

She worries.

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