Original subtitles

Morning, Monica.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You got a second?

Joan, you know I don't like to talk when my hair's not done.

This is important.

We'll talk later.

Right now I have a team of Beverly Hills beauty specialists poised to perm,

pluck, and polish.

Monica, you can't afford any of those peas.

You ain't got no money.

You don't know what I got.

I know you got a stack of credit card bills over here screaming final notice.

Final notice? Good, because I'm tired of being notified.

Monica, come on.

Joan, me being broke is not permanent. My mother's just acting out. She'll come

around. Really?

Because she didn't look like she was going to come around when she sent you a

check made out to psych.

Monica, you need to do something about this. Once your credit is ruined, you're

trapped. You can't buy a house. You can't buy a car. You can't even get a

Joan, sweetie, really, if I ain't got nothing, ain't nobody calling me no way.

There's a traffic jam on the 14th. Yeah, some bull trucker tipped over his load

of cows.

Oh, I know. So you might want to roll up them windows.

Too late.

And sweetie, I stopped by Billy's and I got you some of those ribs that you

love. Oh, hell no.

Jabari! What?

What's the matter?

You better get here quick. I'm going to need you to dispose of his body.

Jabari, get your butt out here right now.

Oh, I know.

I know this boy did not break my panini.

about himself. I mean, I gave him your dinner.

My Chili's ribs?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, that's it. We moving back to Los Angeles.

Sorry, Mel. Calm down. I can just run down to Chili's and get you some more

ribs.

This is the final straw.

We're no longer top of the food chain in our own house.

I'm done. And I'm done having this conversation, okay?

We're not moving back to L .A. Our people survive slavery.

We survived the Klan Hill. We survived Flavor of Love.

We are not about to be thrown out of our house by some mangy mutt.

Look, it's not just about the coyotes, all right? There are a million reasons

why we should move, Maya.

All our friends and family are back in L .A.

This street turns into a crazy candy cane lane half the year. October through

February, don't exaggerate.

Jabari doesn't like his school.

There ain't no black folk out here.

And we live downwind from a nuclear test site.

I didn't hear you complaining when you were taking a picture with that five

-pound cherry tomato.

I'm in traffic all the time.

I'm never home.

Baby, I quit NASCAR so I could see more of you and Jabari. Fine, then I'll tape

some photographs to your sun visor.

Maya, I'm miserable.

Jabari is miserable. And if you just admit it, you're miserable too. No,

Donnell.

I am blessed.

And anyway, we'd never be able to afford a house this big in L .A.

Okay, maybe not this big, but I'm telling you, I've seen some nice houses

by the garage.

I don't know.

We finally have the life that we fought for, okay? This house is our 40 acres

and a mule.

This is barely a quarter acre, and the only mule here is stubborn -ass you.

Leslie, we open in an hour. Leslie's not working today. I took her shift.

Why? That's how the schedule worked out.

But you made up the schedule. And that's how it worked out.

Now, I know it's time and a half after 40 hours. What do I get after 80?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why do you need to be here at 6 o 'clock in the

morning? Hey, potato skins don't skin themselves.

No, that's what we have a sous chef for. Well, now I'm the head sous.

Boo.

Why are you taking all of our employees' hours? They need their salaries. You

don't. I like to work.

I think I know what's going on here.

I refuse to give you half of my money so you find a way to take it. That's

absurd. No, what's absurd is that you have all of the money in the world, and

you're still greedy for more.

Look, I want you to fix the schedule.

Fine. No, and by fixing it, I don't mean making up new days in a week.

What possessed me to marry you?

You'll have plenty of time to mull that over, seeing how you won't be working on

Flursday.

Lynn!

Have you seen my smoke detector?

Oh, I sold them on eBay last week.

What? You weren't using them?

Lynn, what if there's a fire? I could die.

You need to replace them.

Fine. I have to get my money from selling your ceiling fan.

I need to look up more often.

Hey, y 'all. Hey, Maya.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I had a doctor's appointment. It was either suffer in rush hour traffic or

suffer here.

Suffer here with tails.

Doctor's appointment.

Everything okay?

Yes, I'm fine.

And I'm minding my own business. Try it.

Subscription for your bitch.

Anyway, I know, I know, I know. I'm just on edge right now because Darnell and I

are in the middle of a fight. He will not quit harping on the fact that he

to move back to L .A.

Oh, my God. You're moving back to L .A.? No one's moving anywhere.

We just bought a new ceiling fan and some extra smoke detectors.

Maya, I know you like living out yonder.

But you are driving 120 miles just to get your hair products and then another

just to play your numbers.

Hey, that liquor store had three big winners.

Look, I am not going to give up my dream house just for convenience.

I've got all the convenience I need, okay? If I burn myself, I got a wild

out in the yard and I'm just two dry leg beds over from a Chili's.

Come on, Maya. You tried it. It didn't work.

I mean, even your Friday fish fries fizzled.

There's nothing out there for you. Come back to us.

If we move back down here, we'd have to give up our big yard, our two -car

garage, and a bedroom. And I need that bedroom.

Well, Maya, maybe it's worth sacrificing it for a lot more happiness.

If I give up that bedroom, where's my baby going to sleep?

Aw, thanks for looking out my mind.

Not you, idiot.

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant?

Wait, are you sure?

Mm -hmm.

This isn't your woman senses or that power of positive thought thing, is it?

No, Joan. That's why I was at the doctor's. I'm pregnant.

And that power of positive thought stuff is for real. My book is not called Oh,

Hell Maybe.

Oh, my God!

We're pregnant!

No, I'm pregnant.

Congratulations. You're pregnant!

No, I'm pregnant!

No wonder Joan now wants to move back to L .A.

Darnell doesn't know yet.

Maya? What?

Oh, my God.

It's not his, is it?

No, fool. I only just found out.

Oh. Maya, then you're definitely going to have to move back to LA. I mean, I

can't live 60 miles from my God child.

And my babysitting rates are set by distance, and you're in Zone 6.

What are you going to do?

I guess I could try changing my pricing structure, but rezoning could take

years.

You gotta move to L .A. before the baby's born. Oh, my God, you guys, I am

moving. I have to print up new flyers.

We could go see some open houses. You don't get it, okay?

The only reason I'm pregnant in the first place is because I live out there.

Don't you see?

This is all part of God's plan.

He waited until I was in the right place.

That's why I couldn't get pregnant all those years, cramped up in my little old

apartment. He waited until I was in the right place.

God let you get pregnant under the bleachers when you were 16.

I'm just saying.

Hey, mama.

Sweet damn.

Does it look bad?

I had to cut back on my expenses.

I was forced to do my hair myself.

With what? A leaf blower?

I've never been poor. I don't know how to do this.

How do you do it, Lynn?

How do you get by?

Credit cards.

Joan gave me this whole speech about how you're not supposed to max out your

credit card.

No, I don't use my credit card.

I count them if I go drop. That's how they get here.

Lynn, I'm serious.

Monica, why don't you just go to William?

Okay, be honest with him. Let him know you broke. I'm sure he'll help you out.

You are still legally his wife.

Mm -mm. I will not go to William hat in hand.

Yeah, with that hair, you best keep that hat off.

Good Lord, woman.

What is with the bush?

Have you no shame?

Not since my vacation tapes hit the internet.

Not you.

Monica, first you come in here asking me for half of what I've made.

Then you try and rip me off by manipulating the schedule. And when I

you act out by coming in here looking like the governor pardoned you five

minutes after they pulled the switch.

William, see... Shut up, Lynn.

William, I... Shut up, Monica.

I don't want to even... Shut up, William.

I just want to turn.

Monica, you can be mad at me, but I will not have you make a mockery out of my

business.

You're fired.

Okay, now, keep in mind, this is just a preliminary list of baby names,

and I am open to suggestions. Okay.

So, um...

Jeanne.

Veronica.

Shawna. Joan.

Then Joan Wilkes it is.

Girl,

I gotta go. I gotta go home and tell Darnell about this, okay?

What is it? What is it?

Don't know. It's been in an accident.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I'll drive.

Ow! What?

You heartless bastard. I can't believe you did that.

I told you, if you took my smoke detectors, I'd call the police.

Please, who do you think my muscle is?

I'm talking about firing Monica.

Business is business.

Her childish behavior left me no choice.

She's in trouble. Her mother cut her off. She's flat broke, and now you fire,

you heartless bastard.

Will you please pick another spot?

William, look, she really needs this job. You need to hire her back.

Is she really broke?

I have no idea.

Why didn't she say something? Why didn't you say something?

She told me to secrecy.

to think she was after your money.

So she really doesn't have anywhere else to turn?

William, she came to me for a loan.

All right.

Well,

I guess I'll hire her back, then.

Because you still care about her?

No, I'm going to lord this over her.

You heartless bastard.

I'm going to pick another spot.

Monica.

Monica, let me talk to you. What? I skinned them. I'm taking them.

Look, I've reconsidered.

I don't have time to go look for a new manager.

So you can have your job back.

Hmm.

On a probationary basis.

So you've come crawling back.

I knew you would.

Monica, I don't think you want... Oh, no, Lynn.

I got this.

I'm in the cat bird seat here.

This negro knows he can't run this place without me.

Now, before I even consider your poultry offer, let me set up a few conditions.

I need a substantial raise, a spa package, and an

old -fashioned, down -in -the -dirt groveling.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I don't think it's officially groveling unless you're on your knees.

No. What I meant to say is, I'm sorry your ass is poor.

That's right.

That's right. I know that you're broke.

You're penniless.

Ain't got squat, flat broke, no means of support, no tango,

dinero.

But you're still front around here like you're the Queen of Sheba.

You told him.

Hey, I didn't say nothing about the Queen of Sheba.

That's right.

I'm broke.

I had nothing left but my pride, and now you've taken that.

So I guess now I'll be on my way.

I don't need a thing from this place, except maybe my face up off the floor.

And my potatoes.

Lynn, can you give me that one that rolled up under the chair?

Monica, stop.

What now, William?

Look, it's obvious you need this job, and I... I really want you to have it.

In fact, I insist that you take it.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Just so we clear, nothing between us has changed.

I know one thing that better change.

Don't come back in here looking all running north to freedom.

Jerk. Witch.

See you tomorrow.

Better not be late.

William, I'm really proud of you. You did the right thing.

And just for that, I'm going to give you a great deal on some plasma screens.

You know, I already have four plasma screens in there.

Nobody ever looks up.

Oh,

Darnell, he's in here.

Baby.

Look, I'm fine. I'm fine. I just nodded off, and I got up on the shoulder, and

then I hit the guardrail.

You could have been killed.

See, but I wasn't. I'm fine.

Oh, my goodness.

All right.

Oh, look,

a blood pressure machine.

Does anyone want to check their pressure?

I want to check my pressure.

I'm going to check my pressure.

Okay.

I'm so, so sorry, Darnell.

No, this is all in my fault. This is not your fault. No, it is. It is. You

didn't want to commute, but I couldn't leave my chilies, my extra bedroom, and

my programmable thermostat.

And then you go, you get in a wreck. You know, what if it had been worse?

Huh? that I'd be left out there with Jabari to protect me and my baby from

coyote. And, you know, coyote ain't nothing but a dingo. Oh, Lord.

Please don't let a dingo eat my baby.

Baby? Yes, sweetie?

No, you said something about a baby.

Well, I wanted to tell you more romantically over dinner.

We're having a baby?

Yes! We're having a baby!

Get your happy ass out of here.

Okay, I'm just going to run down to maternity and sign us up for Lamaze.

Yeah, baby.

Oh,

girl.

We're having a baby. Yes.

I love you. You better, because I'm about to be all big and fat with swollen

feet.

So that's why you didn't want to move.

Yes, but I do now.

Well, let's do it. Let's move back to L .A.

You sure?

Yes.

It's what's best for our family.

Besides, it takes a village to raise a child, and I want my village to serve

soul food.

We're having a baby.

I don't know, Lynn. I don't like the look of this place.

Look, Monica.

Even though William hired you back, obviously you can't afford to go to your

Beverly Hills hairstylist. This is your only option.

Are you sure these trade school people are competent?

If they weren't, do you think I would let them replace my filling?