Original subtitles

Guys, the chef wants to try these new cherry tarts for Valentine's Day. Tell

what you think. Mm -mm, not for me. I gotta get in that wedding dress next

No, I better not.

I'm trying to get in her dress, too.

I love you, baby, but it's been Valentine's Week at my school all week,

the candy falling around, I'm heading for a sugar coma.

Ooh, sugar coma. I want one.

Valentine's Day when you're young is so cute.

Of course, when you go to an all -girls school, it's cute in an alternative

lifestyle kind of way.

Been there, girl.

I always had the best Valentine's Day.

Always had a woman by my side.

Who, your mama?

Mama's a woman.

You see, that's why I think Valentine's Day is just a greeting card holiday.

Plus, it's emotional blackmail.

People use it to measure love.

That's why I don't believe in it.

Me either.

What? Come on, you guys. You know Valentine's Day isn't that big of a deal

me. I mean, sure, yeah, okay, it used to be.

But now I see it as greedy corporations preying on lonely, needy people. I, for

one, am tired of it being shoveled down our throats.

Not the only thing being shoveled around here.

Good.

I just tried to shovel over one of my buffalo wings.

I took one.

Don't play with me on Buffalo Wing Wednesday.

Thank you.

So when are you going to go to... What? Hold on.

What? Did you hear that? What?

I just heard some black pylons all up and through.

Did you?

Oh, my God, baby, look over there.

Over there.

Oh my goodness, I wonder if they live around here.

I'm going to go eavesdrop and see if I can get good.

Maya, you can't go spying and blitzing every person of color that rolls into

town. The last black couple you did that to turned out to be Sri Lankan.

And I didn't hear you complaining when I made Lakshmi's recipe for coconut

shrimp.

Okay, I'm just going to let you a little bit cut.

You're going to be cold, all right? This is the chili.

You know how...

Hi,

how are you?

Can I use your ketchup bottle?

Thank you. Thank you so much. Y 'all live around here?

Got any plans for Marcus Carvey Day?

My name is Maya. Yeah, we know.

How did you know that?

Girl, there's only four of us up in here. I've been spying on you for the

15 minutes trying to figure out if you Filipino.

Nice to meet you. I'm Ray.

And I'm Alicia. We just moved here from Atlanta.

Baby, baby!

How you doing? They're from Hotlanta. Yeah, nice to meet you. Nice to meet y

'all. Oh, how you liking the high desert?

Oh, it's cool. Although we have to be a little more vigilant about our

astrophotos and whatnot. But I knocked it out with my homemade shea butter. I

got a whole line of natural cosmetics. Alicia, Alicia, they don't need to hear

yourself. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm all about the creams and emollients.

Now tell me, do you use natural fragrance or synthetic? I use real shea

vitamin E oil, and pure.

I'll bring you the starter kit. What do you need?

1 -1 -7 -5 -9, house in the court.

You're right behind us. We don't have to get in the way. Oh, my God, we

neighbors.

You should join us. Come on, join us. Uh, no, wait. I'm sure they don't want

impose. Oh, no, Ray, Ray. Come on now, we don't mind.

Oh,

I have not done any real L .A. shopping. I mean, the outlets out here are nice,

but a sister needs some clothes that don't scream irregular.

Alicia, we just bought a house.

Last thing we want to do is go on a shopping spree.

You know what? I have to go into L .A. on Friday anyway. We can just go

then. Yeah. Yeah.

You all want another round of drinks?

You know what? That would be cool.

We got to go. We got to get to that new Eddie Murphy movie.

But, baby, we're having such a good time. Can't we see it tomorrow or

We agreed tonight.

You're right.

You're right. You're right.

You know what? Can I take a rain check on those drinks?

Yeah,

don't you roll. I'll just see you on Friday.

Yeah, they were cool.

She was.

He seemed a little shady.

He was not shady. No, did you see the way he shut her down every time she said

something? Well, she wouldn't shut up.

Oh, come on. Why are you trying to start some mess? I'm not trying to start any

mess. I'm just saying something may ride on high sandalane.

Or is it high sandal terrace?

Gordon, whatever, look, something ain't right up in the hockey end.

I had a good time tonight.

I always like hanging out with your friends. Yeah, they're a hoot.

So why don't you believe in Valentine's Day?

What?

Earlier, you mentioned something about not believing in Valentine's Day.

Yeah, yeah, and you agreed with me. Nah.

That's silly.

No, I said I don't celebrate it.

And I just think it's kind of weird, you know, that you don't believe in an

actual day. I mean, next you know, you're going to say you don't believe in

Tuesdays.

That's silly.

Of course I believe in Tuesdays.

They're on the calendar.

So it's Valentine's Day, but you're not a big believer in that.

Okay, Joan, what's up?

Nothing.

I'm just trying to get to know my man.

You know, trying to figure out his quirks, what makes him tick, why he says

he says, why I do what he do.

I'm all for that.

Good. Then everything's good.

We're good.

300 million Americans who celebrate Valentine's Day are stupid, but you and

are good.

Maya!

Hey, look, I don't want to set you off or nothing, but there's something going

on over there at Ray and Alicia's. There's two cop cars parked out there.

Only two.

I requested a SWAT team.

You called the cops?

I had to.

I heard suspicious sounds coming from their house when I was taking my morning

walk. What morning walk? The one at... post this morning to locate the origins

of the suspicious sound. And, lo and behold, they were coming from Ray and

Alicia's. So I knocked. No one answered, which I thought was interesting because

I looked in the garage window and both their cars were there. So obviously they

were both home.

And? And the shades were drawn on a morning after a rain when you could

see the mountains.

So naturally, I picked up and ran back to the garbage can and I found old Band

-Aid wrappers.

And an empty bottle of hydrogen peroxide.

Yeah, I also know that he doesn't recycle. He's so busy beating his wife

doesn't have time to save the planet.

Beating his wife?

I think so, too.

Mike, this is crazy.

Look, you can't go calling the cops with no real evidence, especially on a black

man in this neighborhood. Okay, you know what, Darnell? Do not get it twisted

just because he's black. If he's beating his wife, it's a crime.

You don't have any proof that he's doing anything, okay?

So leave it alone.

No. No, I'm not going to be that woman on the news talking about, I had no idea

he just seemed like such a nice man.

Come on, Joan.

Why don't you just tell the guy you're a freak for Valentine's Day?

Trust, there are far worse things he has yet to learn about you.

You guys, it doesn't matter.

Well, it does to you.

Come on, it's part of the crazy that makes you Joan.

Hey, wifey to be.

While you're in there, will you bring me a glass of pinot, please?

She's not your indentured servant, William. Get your own damn wine.

Uh, Maya, I don't mind getting him some wine, girl.

Yeah, Maya.

There you are, all up in somebody else's relationship again.

Well, I call it like I said, when something ain't right.

Uh -uh, uh -uh. I sense some tension.

I'm gonna need a little backstory.

All right, see, we met this new black couple in the neighborhood.

Say no more.

You're worried about the property values, huh?

No.

Maya is convinced that the husband is beating the wife.

That's horrible. Oh, God.

Yeah, see, but the thing is that she's basing this all on her so -called woman

senses. You know what, Jono? Don't be knocking my woman senses, okay?

I'm an author.

I'm an expert in the trials and tribulations of human behavior.

And I saw the way he talked to her. I saw their whole power dynamic in play.

But you just want to sit there and ignore it.

I'm not ignoring anything, all right? I'm just not jumping to conclusions.

And that's the problem.

Men don't jump to anything unless there's a new video thingy out.

Hold on, guys. Hold on.

There's a new video thingy out?

That kind of mockery right there just proves that men are children.

Women have mother knowledge. Thank you. Yeah, we see the unseen.

And you men need us to see that, because like children, you're clueless. How you

doing? I wish I knew what you were talking about, but apparently I'm

Please, women are the biggest children.

All y 'all do is play make -believe.

Starts out with the Barbie.

But now, you're playing with real people's lives.

She called the cops.

And so she should. If she saw him beating her, the cops should be

Uh -huh. His wife beating ass should be hauled off to jail.

Here's where it gets good.

She didn't see him beating her.

Tell him why you called the cops, baby.

Ain't nobody scared of you, Darnell.

I saw and decoded

series of wife -beating clues.

I saw first aid accoutrements.

And no one answered my urgent knockings when I know good and well they were

holed up in my house.

All that there followed a series of suspicious sounds.

Now you tell me, that does not warrant a 911 call.

You guys, I just realized that we didn't toast a bride and groom.

Y 'all have this don't believe me? Well, Maya, you did make me fire one of my

best employees based on your woman senses.

Yeah, and you did have me hoisting you up into my boyfriend's crawlspace

for body parts.

And, uh, Maya, I haven't known you for very long, but, um, I have noticed your

font of urban myth.

You know what?

This is the problem.

Nobody wants to get involved. You just want to sit around and joke about it.

Because you funny, Ma.

All right, maybe I am wrong.

Maybe I am.

But what if I'm right?

Then I saved a woman today.

And until folk, especially you men, start stepping up, women are going to

continue to get beat.

Including you three heifers if you don't back me up next time.

You should totally get it. Oh, girl, I don't know. It's $300, and last time I

spent that much money, Darnell went into a rage.

You know what I'm talking about?

Oh, oh, oh, no, no.

Ray likes me looking good. He's always like, buy this, buy that.

Ray is so good to me.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, I don't know. It seemed like the other night at Chili's, he... I don't

It just seemed a little bit anti.

Oh, oh, that. We would just... We just finished...

A little argument, but we good now.

Uh -huh.

So why don't you try on this little sleeveless, backless mini dress I picked

you? I'm not feeling it. I don't like showing all that skin.

Come on, girl.

Try it on.

Let me see how it looks.

I said no.

Why? Something you don't want people to see? Yeah, my business. Speaking of, why

are you all up in it? I was trying to wrap this up in some facts, but, you

since you're being all testy... That's why I'm abusing you.

What? Is Ray beating you?

No.

I saw the empty bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your garbage.

What the hell were you doing in my garbage?

Wait a minute. Oh.

You're the one who called the police.

No. No, no, no. No, I called 911.

They called the police. And so you know how it worked if Ray didn't keep you

isolated from society.

You know what? Ray was right. He said that you were crazy.

What? Is that why you brought me shopping? So you could create some

You know what?

Lose my number. I'm going home.

Wait. Wait, Alicia. Girl, wait. Girl, you're my bride.

That's... Alicia.

Hey, girl.

You look country. You going to Lancaster?

Do you love jerky?

Do you love jerky?

Well, now you can love them together.

The Turkey Jerker 2000.

What's the matter, baby?

Nothing. I'm just here to watch TV.

Joan,

it's an infomercial.

About how to make your own turkey chicken.

You won't be laughing come the apocalypse when I'm the only one with

See, you just don't get me.

Okay, that's right.

Can I do something?

No.

Yes. Well, partially.

Listen,

Aaron, you need to know that

I'm a bit of a freak.

No.

One of the reasons why I'm with you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean a

Valentine's Day freak.

I'm freaky for all things holiday, and I can't help it. And if you can't get on

board with that, then eventually I'm going to resent it. Maybe not now, but

certainly before the kids go to junior high. So maybe we should just end this

now.

Are you serious?

No.

Yes.

Partially.

Look, Aaron, I just really hate that something so important to me doesn't

to you at all.

Okay, Joan, how am I supposed to know what matters to you unless you tell me?

You said that Valentine's Day is like emotional blackmail, and I didn't want

to think that I was manipulating you.

So you rather I think that you're a passive -aggressive... Crazy person.

Well, it's closer to the truth.

Hey, no offense, but this bachelor party sucks.

Don't worry, guys.

I'm the best man.

I'm going to hook William up with a real bachelor party later after we throw the

women off the fence with this one.

Don't worry about it, Darnell. Don't even bother.

I can't even get near a strip club anymore.

Monica blacklights my clothes.

You know what?

I mean, maybe I was wrong about Alicia, but she still could have given me a ride

home. Should I have had to take a cab to a bus to a Metrolink to a gypsy cab?

Whoa, gypsy cab?

Who's trying to horn in on my beat?

Maya.

Maya, turn down the music. I think I heard something coming from Ray and

I'm going over there.

No, no, no, baby, baby, baby. I don't want you going over there by yourself.

Let's call the police.

I'll be fine. Come on, y 'all.

Darnell, maybe we should wait for the police.

What's up?

Yeah, man, we had a little get -together at my place.

Wanted to know if you wanted to come through.

No, I'm good.

Well, maybe Alicia wants to come through.

Alicia!

Excuse me.

Alicia! Excuse me.

What you doing, man? I said we're good. Well, I didn't hear Alicia say that she

was good. Yeah, you did. I'm good, Don, now.

I'm good.

Are you sure? Yo, partner, don't come walking up in here like this is your

house. Who the hell you think you are?

I'm a grown -ass man that knows better than to be beating on his wife. Darnell,

please.

What's wrong with you? You need to get off my porch. We ain't going nowhere.

Stop. Stop, please. Just stop.

You're right, baby.

Let's go back inside.

You don't have to go.

Alicia.

Yes, I hear that.

Come with us, Alicia, okay? It's going to be okay.

Why didn't you just stay out of it?

What?

Ray!

Ray, baby, I'm so sorry.

Ray, open the door.

You know what would feel real good right now?

What? A foot massage.

Yeah, I feel you, man.

And hook

up

them arches.

Yo, why you up? Why don't you get some lotion? I feel a little ashy.

At least I do.

I need help.

Something to show what's important to you is important to me, baby.

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