Original subtitles

Lynn, you keep eating my Christmas cookies, I'm going to slap you into a

night. Well, ho, ho, ho to you too, heifer.

Mike, who put away these tree lights last year?

That would be you.

You know what?

How about we put a nice ball of lights right here in the front of the tree?

Here's my new Christmas list.

And, uh, I narrowed it down to my top five things, right? You're going to have

to narrow that down five more.

I'm not getting nothing for Christmas. No presents?

That only applies to the boy, right?

Listen, Jabari, we discussed this, okay? This year, we're going to have a quiet

Christmas and give to the less fortunate.

Woo! Then I'm good.

Sorry, Jabari.

Oh, who's that damn Salvation Army? Tell them we already gave.

Sick of Christmas. Everybody got their hand out.

Hi, Darnell.

And Maya.

Hi. I'm Donna Bazan, remember, from down the street, traditions floor plan with

the blue trim.

How are you?

Here's a holiday free cake.

Anyway, on behalf of the cul -de -sac council, I came to let you know that

you're a little late in putting up your Christmas light.

What light?

Oh, holy night, surely you know.

What?

Well, this is Candy Cane Lane.

We've won best lights of Lancaster for six years running.

Hate to lose lucky seven.

And three, two, one.

Met the guy.

Yeah. All right.

I'll meet him at the wedding.

Look, I just woke up. Can I call you later?

Yeah, I love you, too.

I love you. Bye.

Is this Joan?

I'm sorry. I thought this was... Who's this?

Aaron.

Hi, Aaron.

Waters. From New Orleans.

Oh.

Oh, my God. I didn't... I didn't think you would call.

I told you I would.

I know. I just... I just didn't think you would.

So, Aaron, how have you been?

Come on, Joan.

What is it?

We're waiting.

Okay. Here are the facts.

He called.

We're going to need a little more backstory. Who is he?

Okay, Aaron.

The teacher that I met in New Orleans.

So he called. That's good news.

Why are we here?

Because Aaron and I talked for hours.

And although I appear calm, I have actually projected myself into a nuptial

fantasy land. You guys, we had a dream wedding.

We have a hybrid minivan.

And I'm pregnant with twins. Oh, God. And we have a golden retriever named

Lordy my, that poor, unsuspecting fool cleaned up after Hurricane Katrina to

come back to L .A. and get hit by a worse disaster.

Okay, Joan, what happened to you being all empowered and not getting all

desperate over some guy?

He called!

That's why I called you, so that you guys could stop me from making a fool of

myself on my first date.

Joan, that's just it. It's just a date with a man who's practically a stranger.

Reel in all that Coco craziness.

Take it one step at a time. Live in the moment.

Okay, I'll try.

I will.

He's so sweet.

I'm so, and then, God, we would be so.

Okay, I'm going to reel it in. I see.

I'm reeling now, but I'm freaking, and I'm reeling, and I'm freaking, and I'm

reeling, and I'm reeling, and I'm freaking. You need to slap. I'm back.

Fabulous, Aaron.

Best Salvadoran restaurant in L .A. Mmm, and these pupusa things, my God.

I mean, I've always seen a sign for pupusa, but I've actually never stopped

eat a pupusa. And can I just say, did I really like saying pupusa?

Pupusa! Pupusa!

So how did you find this place?

I ride the metro a lot. And sometimes I get off, walk around, explore new

neighborhoods.

I'd love to walk.

I found the cutest little cafe walking in my neighborhood, but now that I've

found it, I would drive there.

Well, maybe we can walk there together some morning.

Oh.

Another date, huh?

I guess this is going kind of well.

Look, Joan, can I lay my cards on the table?

Okay.

I'm 38, and I'm not dating just to date.

I'm looking for something permanent.

Okay.

And you?

Um, well, I actually made a pact with myself to stay in the moment.

Since you opened the door, let's see what's inside.

Okay, well, come on in.

What do you want to know?

How's your relationship with your mother? How do you vote, and how often

go to church?

Great. Depends. Every Sunday.

That falls on Easter and Christmas.

Okay, that's good.

All right, that moves you up to level two.

Have you ever been married?

No.

Well, that kicks you up to level eight.

Bisexuality, baby's mama, sex addiction, and are you willing to take an HIV

test?

Nope, nope, nope.

Sure.

Any other questions?

Thousands, actually, but only two important ones. Do you like golden

And if so, would you ever name one Coco?

Lynn,

what are you still doing here?

I'm looking for my present.

By the way, where'd you put it?

Um, I haven't bought it yet.

Oh, great.

This new guy's got your priorities all twisted.

Now I don't feel so bad about taking all these scarves.

How was your date?

Oh, well, he likes me.

And I like him, and he wants to see me again.

Something's got to be wrong.

Okay, why do you do that?

Always think that the universe wants less for you. Because, Lynn, that's

what happens, okay? There I am, comfortable, dating, and happy, and

other shoe dropped.

Well, maybe he doesn't have feet.

Stop projecting.

I mean, maybe it's the same.

Maybe it's different.

But you'll never know if you're so busy trying to make a Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right.

You're right, Lynn. You know what? I'm sorry. You must be sick to death of

having this conversation.

Not as sick as I'm going to be when we have it again tomorrow.

I don't think any of this stuff is going to work. I mean, all we have is this

black Santa, some old tinsel, and this hip -hop nativity.

My, why are you tripping?

We don't need to keep up with the Byzants.

Nobody told us we live on Candy Cane Lane.

Don't know. We're the only black family on this block.

So? So I don't want these white folk thinking that we're all Bahamburg.

Look, if they don't see any lights, they're going to think we're a nation of

Islam.

This is our house.

No one can tell us how to decorate our house.

Ho, ho, ho, neighbors.

Ho, Donna.

Well, a couple of us were talking and we couldn't help but notice that right in

the middle of Candy Cane Lane there is a gaping black hole. No offense.

Look, about this whole life business thing... No need to explain.

Everyone knows you've lost your job at NASCAR and that things are probably a

little bit tight this holiday season.

So, all of us on the block have taken up a little collection to light up your

house. Are you for real?

Oh, we keep it real on Candy Cane Lane.

We don't need your charity.

And the only reason we don't have our lights up right now is because I'm

for some special order lights from Vegas.

Oh. Here you go.

Yeah, that's right.

Vegas. I'm talking neon.

It's about to be Candy Cane Strip up in here.

So why don't you go on home and lick on that peppermint stick.

This blue line.

Sorry.

You know, I've always seen this on the way to the airport, but I've never

actually been on it.

Where are we?

Long Beach.

Oh, I've never made it to Long Beach so fast.

Or ever.

Can't wait to show you around.

Long Beach has the aquarium, the ocean liner, funnel cakes.

Long Beach have a ladies room.

Well, um... You know what? I don't live too far from the next stop.

You're welcome to use my place.

On the second date?

Come on!

proper for me to go to your place on a second date.

Okay. You can use the gas station on the corner.

I'll be able to strong wheel and some wet wipes.

All right, bunk proper. Let's go to your place.

Um, this is it.

This is my apartment.

Oh, it's so cozy.

Uh, the bathroom is right through that door.

Lynn. Yeah?

I was right.

The other shoe dropped.

Where are you?

In the bathroom in his apartment, and it's a... His apartment is like a

student. It's small and boxy.

It's furnished with stuff that you could have left on the curb.

Hey, that's where I got my love seat.

And the whole blue line thing.

You know, at first I thought that was romantic, but I actually think it's his

only form of transportation.

Joan, you just finished telling me what a great guy he is, so just stop trying

to mess this up.

I'm not trying to mess anything up, Lynn. I'm trying to explain to you that

didn't see a full -size refrigerator.

Look, Joan, if you don't want him, I'll take him. Because I think they're broke,

but fun is sexy.

Not if you're trying to get married.

You're not getting married. You're on a date. Which could lead to marriage.

Has it ever, Joan?

Good point.

I'm back.

Same time tomorrow? What makes you think... Probably.

I'm kidding. I'm ready.

One thing about the small, boxy apartment?

Thin walls.

You know, you don't have to ride all the way home with me.

Try to make sure you get home safe.

You know, public transportation, all full of pro folk.

Okay. See, we need two of these bad boys right here.

Right outside the house.

Jabari. Yeah.

Go get me some icicle lights.

All right.

Oh, look,

I'm getting this. The ski and polo bed will be perfect coming off the roof.

All we need are tree lights and poinsettias.

He's funny.

Jabari, head over to Lumber, right? Talk to the man. Ask him how much wood it's

going to take to build a six -foot sleigh.

That'll put up a stop to the pizzazz.

Y 'all really spending a lot of money on decorations and a brother can't even

get a PlayStation?

A brother got one more time to bring that up.

Home Depot has everything.

Where do you think they're hiding to blow up Santa on the cycle?

Oh, that's what I'm talking about right there.

We could get like three or four of these, put them in the driveway. I mean,

don't even trip because you can park your car on the street.

Stop it.

This is crazy.

Ma, I don't want the Byzant or anybody else thinking... Thinking what? That we

can't afford it?

Look, I don't want anybody thinking that I can't take care of my family.

Especially not you.

Why would you think I think that?

Maya, when I quit my job at NASCAR, you were the first one talking about...

Let's have a quiet Christmas this year.

No, no, no, let's not spend any money.

What's wrong with a swap meat turkey? Okay, okay, okay, you're right. You're

right. Maybe, maybe I was a little scared.

Was, Maya?

Okay, am.

You know, you know that I have issue when there aren't two chefs coming in

regular.

I quit the job because we both agreed.

And I came home with some of that NASCAR money.

So I can get my garage back, remember?

I know.

I know, I know, Darnell. And I believe in you.

I want you to know that I believe in you. And I know that you always take

of everyone that you love.

I just trip.

You know how I do.

All right.

Come here, girl.

I love you.

Hi.

No, please, please.

Don't close the door. Look, I just really wanted to apologize in person.

Okay, look, I can't take back what I said, but I could at least explain why I

said it.

Here goes.

I can be a little bougie. I admit that. And I'm not proud of it, but I'm working

on it. And that's why I called my friend from the bathroom.

So that she could talk some sense into me.

Look, I don't judge people.

Well, I do.

But not by their possessions.

Well, not usually.

Oh, God.

I'm just a loud -mouthed idiot, and I'm sorry.

Is that it?

Well, maybe.

Well, thanks. Good night.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold up, hold up.

Look, I admitted that what I said was a little janky, but come on, Aaron, you

basically led me there.

So it's my fault?

Aaron, you were the one that said that you weren't dating just to date.

You said you wanted something permanent. You opened the door.

Yo, Aaron.

What's up, Boogie?

Is it the woman you was talking about?

Goodbye, Boogie.

Yo, I ain't mad at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure you're not. All right,

on. Come inside.

We got nosy neighbors.

Oh, oh, y 'all don't want that all around the hall. Yeah, I know, Boogie.

bad.

I'm not a fool.

I know how this looks.

Maybe on some level, I brought you here to see how you would react.

To test you.

It was unfair.

But come on.

A brother's best table is a TV tray.

Aaron, why is talking about money so taboo?

I mean, my friend Tony married a man without even knowing his financial

situation. And he destroyed their relationship.

And not because he was broke.

It was because they never talked about it.

Are you broke?

Oh, you want to talk about it?

Okay. All right. Okay, please.

Okay.

The real is, I'm doing really good right now.

Huh?

My life hasn't always been like this.

It took me a while to get my act together.

I don't like to wallow in my ghetto upbringing, but Joan, navigating my way

that life was not easy.

I got caught up a time or two.

Look, I'm a good guy who got a late start.

Should I have more? Yes.

But I don't.

But I'm working my ass off to catch up.

Right now, I'm saving for a house.

That's why my apartment looks like this.

I'm not going to waste my money to pimp out this place.

Here's an idea, Aaron.

We... have already had the first date, the first fight, the hard conversation.

So we're in pretty deep.

I think we should just keep seeing each other.

Or not.

No, no. I hesitate because I was wondering if I had enough to make dinner

two. Or do I need to drive to the store? Oh, thank God you have a car.

milky, seven swans are swimming, six geese are laying, five golden rings,

calling birds, three French hens, two turtle dogs, and a car.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

Three, two, one.

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