Original subtitles

Look at all these happy couples getting their marriage licenses.

Isn't it romantic?

Isn't it sweet?

Isn't it a little too late?

Wait a minute. Boo.

You were previously married?

Huh?

On the form you checked, you were previously married.

What?

That must be a mistake.

William, you're too scared of the man. You would never make a mistake on a

government form.

You know how sometimes I get my double vision, baby.

William.

Don't play with me.

Okay.

Yes.

I was once married before.

But it was a long time ago, and it was annulled.

So it doesn't count.

Why didn't you tell me you were married?

Because it was annulled.

So it doesn't count.

So who was she?

Uh, hmm.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Woo!

Nobody you know.

Very good extension, lady.

Oh, okay, hold the pose. I'll be right back.

So anyway, you guys, it was supposed to be just Daryl and me on a date, and it

turned out it was Daryl and Posse.

There were like 16 of us crammed into that sushi bar.

Oh, you thought your party was talking, don't bite me.

I'll see how you do.

in a party, it was a date.

Which, in my way of thinking, is one -on -one. I mean, what is wrong with these

guys these days? What, the kid dropped their boys long enough to go for a date?

Why is it so hard to find a good man?

Oh, honey, maybe it's just you. I got one.

And I've had one after another.

Okay, ladies, ladies, we're here to exercise your bodies, not your mouth.

Yeah, well, why don't you exercise your remote and change the song?

It's been playing forever.

Well, good.

Commit it to memory.

All you guys talk about is not having a man, trying to get a man. Whose man is

with a man?

Hey, that DL stuff is very current.

You guys sound like my mother. Old and bitter.

Oh, uh, uh, uh. Do not call me when these two happens, okay? Because I am

old.

Oh, excuse me, Miss Dirty, but, uh...

Look,

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to share my life with

special. Crosby, I thought that don't crack.

There's things I want to do and places that I want to go as a couple. Like that

cute little bistro on Melrose, Abbasideh. God, I've been dying to go

Then go by yourself.

Live in the moment.

Look, my boyfriend just broke up with me. Do you see me?

around here whining?

No. I'm out.

I'm having fun. I'm single. I'm empowered.

You know, I'm in no rush to get a man.

Please. Well, that's easy for you to say because you're 20 and you're popping

out eggs like you're Henny Penny.

You know what? I don't see any crow's feet.

You know, unless I'm getting a cataract.

William, I cannot believe that you are asking me to lie to Monica.

I'm not asking you to lie.

I'm begging you.

I mean, it's not that big of a deal. Just explain to Monica that you made a

mockery of marriage by marrying Lynn just to beat me to the altar.

And, if memory serves, I did beat you, didn't I?

And it was well played, but that's not the point, you bastard.

So are you in?

I don't know, William. I'm confused. I mean, one minute you want to marry

and the next minute you don't. Which one is it?

Let me be crystal clear.

I think I love Monica.

And I'm pretty sure I want her in my life.

I think.

Just tell her.

No! Well, didn't you know I was lying?

The only thing Monica hates more than Lynn is a liar.

Would you please stop trying to kill what I think is my bliss?

Fine, William.

I won't tell her, all right? But it's not me you need to worry about.

Lynn hates Monica more than Monica hates Lynn.

And if Lynn knows that she holds the trump card, oh, she'll play it. So you

to get to her with some cash, some groceries, and some duct tape.

Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Good call. Good call. I'm on that.

Because you know what? I'm going to make this one work.

I think.

Good. Go for it, because I'd hate to see you end up desperate and alone.

Yeah.

Well, you would know.

I'm not desperate.

I'm desperate.

I'm so not desperate.

Hi, Daryl. It's Joan.

Yeah, Joan from last night. Hi.

I was just calling to say that I had a very unique

time with you and your 15 friends and your cousin.

So call me at home.

So that we can figure out another time to get together. I know you've got to

that by your posse. You know, we could do a phone tree.

Anyway, call me. Okay.

That's how I want to be. Why are you singing that song?

I don't know.

I like it.

Please don't sing it in here, okay? My trainer was playing it this morning, and

I was playing it when I got in the car this morning, and it just... It's

haunting me, and I'm trying to get it out of my head, so... Yeah.

Hello, Daryl. It's Joan again.

Ignore my last message.

Because I'm single.

That's how I want to be. I'm single.

Hi, Monica.

I'm single.

And I'm empowered.

Well,

good for you, sweetie.

We're friends now, right?

Yeah, we're good friends.

So I can trust you to be honest with me.

Well, of course. We wouldn't be good friends if I wasn't. Do you know who

William was married to?

Not a clue.

Can you believe I spent the last 25 years collecting all this stuff?

I mean, God, it's pathetic.

Well, you know, Joan, people collect stuff.

You know, William has a stamp.

Darnell has... beer, bottle caps, and you have your... Yeah, girl, it's just

pathetic.

I mean, if you told me ten years ago that I would be sitting here with two

wedding dresses and no husband, I would have killed myself.

Joan, honey, we're not getting any younger.

So I will always be younger than you.

So I'm going to make it plain. Sit down.

All of this wedding stuff is part of the reason why you're stuck.

All right? You think you've had all this stuff tucked away in a hope chest?

Honey, you've been wearing the hope chest around your neck.

And it shows in how you act in a relationship and how you socialize at a

It's a flying freak flag when you say hello to a man.

So you noticed?

Most of greater Los Angeles would notice.

You have a great life.

All right? Enjoy it. Go where you want to go. Do what you want to do, including

that bougie bistro you were talking about.

Alone? Why not?

Because I'd be alone.

You go with me. Oh, and Miss Vita Friday at Chili's? Oh, honey, I think not.

I'm paying.

Aren't you tired of always paying for us?

Yeah.

All right, then I'm going to stay here alone.

And do what, Joan?

Huh?

yourself a pity party, knock back a bottle of wine while you re -box and

all these wedding whatnots? Fine.

But trust, all this is not going to get you the life you want. I know.

Then let it go.

You're right, Maya.

I do have a really great life, and I'm going to live it even if it means I have

to live it alone.

I need to be happy being just Joan.

Get you.

Being all Jess Jones.

I'm proud of you.

Good evening.

Welcome to about the day.

My name is Alan, and I'll be taking care of you this evening. Hello, Alan. Thank

you. Gosh, I've always wanted to try this place. It's so gorgeous.

Would you care to order a glass of wine while you wait for your... Oh, I'm

actually not waiting for anyone. It's just me.

Just Joan.

Oh.

I see.

I'm sorry. I don't get a candle?

Oh, I didn't think you'd want to draw attention to yourself.

Take your time.

Being alone isn't so bad.

I can do that.

Look at these people. They're asking themselves why a beautiful woman like me

would be alone.

Is she divorced?

On a stakeout? A lonely lesbian?

A divorced, lonely lesbian on a stakeout?

Damn.

This is tough.

Hmm.

I wonder where people look when they're eating alone.

Down?

At the wall?

Oh, what should I get for dessert?

Ah, wait a minute.

Smith always says skip dessert.

Smith ain't here.

I can eat what I want when I want.

Can I just eat butter?

More butter?

No, I'm fine.

Lynn, why are you still in our water?

Because I'm thirsty.

Whatever. I need to ask you a question.

No. No, I did not spit in your tea.

What? I'm sorry, you were saying?

Oh, hold on.

Hello?

Yeah, Joan told me.

How much?

Cool. We were never married.

Mom, I gotta go.

What's that word?

If it was, would it ruin your life?

I wouldn't be happy about it.

Fair enough.

It was William's.

Okay.

This wasn't so bad.

Took me all the wine.

Or maybe my two -dessert sugar coma.

But whatever it is, I'm feeling empowered.

Oh, my God, I'm shot!

I'm finally empowered and they shoot me!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It's champagne.

My fiancée, she just said yes.

Can you believe I have a fiancée? Oh!

I wish you guys all the best. Thanks.

If my date had stood me up, I would have left the restaurant in tears instead of

having two desserts.

I wasn't actually stood up. I just really wanted to try this place.

And just for the record, my second dessert was practically fruit.

Blueberries. Yeah, how'd you know?

Just a guess.

Last night was so wonderful.

I was living!

I was in the moment.

I was totally comfortable in my own skin.

Matthew, you were right.

God, I wish I'd known all this when I was your age.

Our age.

Whatever. You're single and happy.

30 more.

I discovered last night that a man would be an addition, not a completion.

Honey, at this point, a man would be a miracle.

Well, I want that miracle.

And it's okay.

I mean, I want someone to tell me when I have blueberry stains on my teeth.

Well, good luck finding them.

Fifty more. Come on.

Fifty? Wait, I thought you said thirty.

What? I'm confused. Are we doing eighty?

This is my current single status. My declaration of...

Only one who's scared up in here.

I'm single.

That's how I want to be.

Samantha, you are not going to cry over some guy.

Okay, okay, okay. Joan, Joan, you're the village elder. Drop some wisdom.

Samantha, it's okay to cry.

Really, living means feeling the pain. That's part of living in the moment,

right? It's okay.

Turned out to be gay, huh?

How did you know that?

Honey, that's where it pays to be my age.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I didn't put the two clothes together.

I didn't cast that.

See, I am young.

I would have had that gay fool's baby.

Why did you tell her?

Willingly. She had me cornered. She was going to take my water.

Possibly my soul.

Why do we have to marry her anyway? Because I love her.

I may have had my doubts in the beginning.

Doubts? Just bring them back. All you got to do is change the tent. I don't

them anymore.

When I was running around trying to cover my bases, it came to me. I don't

to hurt Monica because I love her.

I truly love her.

Why?

Oh, my God.

Something wicked this way comes.

Trapped. Like a rat in a maze.

William, we need to talk.

Why didn't you tell me you were married to Lynn?

I'm sorry. Look, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to risk losing

I'm going to leave you over Lynn, although I may have you flee debt.

Hello, Lynn.

Monica.

Goodbye, Lynn.

You can't goodbye me.

I'll leave when I'm damn good and ready.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry, baby.

No, will you?

I'm almost 33.

And I was beginning to think that no man would have me. Because let's face it, I

know I'm a handful.

But I'm working my butt off to be a better person for you.

But you keep acting shady, hiding things.

And now you're lying.

Now, if this is all you bring to the table, I'm better off alone. Because

honestly, we cannot keep having this discussion.

We don't need to. Look, I want this.

Monica, I love you.

I love you.

Hey, Joan.

It's Daryl.

I heard your message. Maybe we got off to a bad start.

Before you write a brother -all, maybe we should try going out.

Alone.

One -on -one.

How about drinks tonight?

Call me.

Maybe tomorrow night, Daryl.

Tonight, just Joan.

No, thank you, Lynn, but I don't take laxatives in my tea.

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