Original subtitles

Little Red Maya Hood is walking down a path.

It's dark.

She's scared.

She's at the house.

She wants to go in.

Should she knock?

She wants to knock so badly.

Or should she ring the doorbell, baby?

Baby?

I'm up. I'm up.

Turn down. Why, Wilkes? You fell asleep.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Baby, it's a ton different, though.

It's like 3 in the morning here.

I gotta be up in an hour.

I'm sorry, though. Hey, hey!

Catch me up.

Is it time to look through your basket of goodies?

It's all right, Tarnell.

Okay?

Just, uh, go to sleep.

You sure?

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, it's all good.

Love you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

I guess the wolf won't be nibbling on Little Red tonight.

healthy living is on my last list.

Yeah, what do we get out of it, huh? Longer life?

Screw that.

Let's pig out.

I'm way ahead of you.

No. Lynn, I was talking about dinner.

You guys, I was thinking we could try this new restaurant on Las Palmas,

According to LA Magazine, it is the hottest new gathering spot for great

and fun.

Like the J spot is scared.

The J spot is so scared.

Ah, don't be.

Flame is lame.

Really? When did you gather at the new gathering spot?

What? I don't know.

I feel weak. I need protein.

And I need a switch.

But you can't get nothing.

Well, it's not like I told you we went with Tony.

Tony was here?

Yeah, Joan, she, uh... She was here last weekend to tie up some loose ends with

her business.

And we had dinner Saturday night.

Wait.

Lynn, you said you were organizing your CDs.

Yeah, about that.

Well, hell, Maya lied, too.

I had to borrow to do it.

Are you mad?

You're mad.

I knew you'd be mad. I'm not mad.

Because you're hurt.

You're hurt. I knew you'd be hurt. I'm offended.

Really? I didn't see that coming.

I mean, so Tony was here. Big deal. You guys didn't have to lie to me or hide it

from me. I mean, what did you think I was going to do?

Actually, Joan, we know what you'd do.

It's not like you talk about your real feelings about Tony leaving.

I'm a grown woman.

I understand that everything has a season.

And my friendship with Tony is over. I'm okay.

I'm okay. I'm emotionally done.

I'm at peace. So can we just move on? Because that's what I'm doing.

Hmm, bitch.

Are you trying to cut me out?

Yeah, well, I'm going to cut you out. Bye -bye.

Oh, you thought you could take Maya and Lynn.

Well, here's the gotcha.

I'm the glue, biatch.

Hey, Mon Mon.

Joan.

Oh, so what you got there?

It's the mock -up of my wedding color palette.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's stunning.

The colors are so rich and vibrant. It's totally original.

Joan, honey, unlike you, I don't need all that validation.

Sorry. I'm your maid of honor. It's what we do.

Oh, in fact, you know, Monica, we...

We really need to talk about this whole maid of honor thing.

I wasn't aware that you being my maid of honor was a whole thing.

But it is.

A whole thing.

A thing that friends share.

So you want out?

We try to be friends, but we have not done anything friendly.

Go on.

So can we do something friendly? I mean, I'm really fun once you get to know me.

So how do we do this?

This friend business?

Well, we go to dinner, and then we could share our innermost secrets while we're

painting each other's nails.

Or just dinner.

You said you wanted a man's opinion.

Darnell fell asleep.

So?

During phone sex.

Well, what were you talking about?

Sex! Now, I'm going to need to know the exact verbiage if I'm to analyze it

correctly.

Oh, hell no.

You are not going to get your jollies on my watch. Believe me, no jollies will

be gotten here.

I'm trying to help you out.

We're both mature adults here.

Oh, okay.

Okay, but I can't look at you. I have to turn around.

I cannot believe I'm doing this.

And don't look at my butt.

Hey, baby.

I'm kidding.

Come on. I'm kidding. Come on.

I'm ready for you, bad boy.

But first, I have to light some scented candles.

Now I'm going over to the bed.

Ooh, ooh, these feet smell so clean.

Clean sheets make me feel so dirty and compassionate.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I have the new moisturizers.

Yeah, she better.

Good God, woman. Just get to the getting. I'm getting there.

When?

He didn't fall asleep.

You bored him into a coma.

I am trying to be visual. I thought you men like visual.

We do.

When it's a visual of big juicy badugga ducks.

Okay, fine.

Fine. Then you tell me, William, what do men like to hear?

Quick. Okay, that's not quick.

Oh, I know. I don't know.

Tough.

What kind of stuff?

Dirty stuff.

Tell me.

I can't.

William, come on, all right? I'm trying to keep my marriage on and popping. You

got to tell me something.

Well, I guess you could call one of those... That

hotline. Here, let me give you a look at some of my faves.

She was eight years old, right? In front of the whole church, she says, if...

Okay, Monica, you say it.

She says, if... Monica, please say it.

Please, Monica, say it.

I said, Pastor Jackson, if God don't like ugly, then he must can't stand

your wife.

straight to vassar you went to vassar oh my god i want to go there so bad no you

didn't i did but we well tony couldn't so anyway

we decided i decided to go to ucla but you know hey la gave me lunch at the

ivy and pee at the peninsula and earl's grill oh god they have great hot dogs we

need to go there when i'm off my diet

Monica, please tell them the story about the monkey.

Oh, Monica's the next door to a monkey.

That's a long one. Let me go to the bathroom first.

I'm going to get some more wine.

Pee quick, girl.

Yeah, because we can't wait to hear that monkey story.

What the hell is she doing here?

Please tell us this is part of a bigger plan to kill her because this is killing

me.

anymore. And we have to get used to her being around.

I mean, come on. She's marrying William.

I've thought about that.

I'm prepared to drop William.

Joan, we don't like her. And we never will.

No matter how much I love monkey stories.

Okay. Shh.

You guys, she's in the other room. No, she's not.

Girls, you really should lower your voices.

It's tacky.

But don't stop now.

Okay, we hate you.

Lynn, stop.

Why? You hate her too.

You just missed Tony and obviously you're using Monica to replace her.

That's ridiculous.

Then why is she here?

Because we're trying to be friends.

Right after you found out Tony was in town and didn't call you.

And Earl's Grill?

Please, that was you and Tony's monthly PMS pig out meal. Now you're going to

pig out with her?

Last week, you were just whining about being in her wedding.

What? No.

No, it's just that I don't look good in yellow.

Just shut up, Lynn. Not until you admit it.

Is that what's going on here, Joan? Of course not.

Tony, Monica.

Monica. Good night, ladies.

Good night.

Oh, and Joan, you don't have to worry anymore about being in my wedding.

Well, now that that's over... Tell us the monkey story.

How could you do that to her?

If nothing else, she's a human being.

Don't. Stop it.

This is classic displacement.

You're not upset about Monica. You're upset about Tony.

Okay, kill the half -assed psycho babble, Lynn. I don't want to hear it.

didn't have any closure.

Lynn, stop it! And you're trying to fill a void because you feel abandoned and

angry. Damn it, Lynn. I said stop it, okay?

Why does everything always have to be about Tony?

Because for you right now, Joan, it is. What do you want me to say?

How about saying that your friendship with Tony was the longest and closest

relationship you've ever had. And that this breakup feels like a death.

That it feels like she severed your left artery and left a bloody, gory, maggot

-infested mess of your heart.

Joan, we're just worried that you're not dealing with it.

Are you now?

Of course we are.

Really?

Then why are you guys still talking to Toni?

Because she's our friend, Joan.

We're not going to just drop her. Why not?

She moved to the other side of the country. She left us.

And you guys are still hanging on with your little secret phone calls and your

clan... Why can't you just let her go so that we can move on and then what?

Forget.

Because you can't.

You need to deal with this, John.

I said I'm okay.

Good night.

Okay.

We love you, John.

So I spoke with my God and decided that it was within the purview of me trying

to be a good wife that I call one of your nasty little

sex hotlines.

Well, good!

Good!

Who'd you talk to? Sophia.

Oh. Yeah.

Mama Mia, she is good.

Yeah, not for very long. She's, um...

She's leaving the hotline.

What? Yeah, yeah. I sent her a signed copy of my book, and it inspired her to

run the marathon.

And at 73.

Sophia is 73?

And grossly overweight.

I think I need to sit down.

Oh, well, that's good, William, because you know what? I could use your eyes.

I wrote down everything that Sophia told me, and then I found my inner hoe.

And up the nasty quotient.

So, just tell me what you think.

Oh! Oh.

Oh.

So, it's good, huh?

My... This is better than good.

So, he'll like it? Of course he'll like this.

Look, why don't you leave me a copy of this?

and we'll call it even.

Hello? Monica, please don't hang up.

You and your little girlfriends may enjoy playing junior high games. I

Well, then talk to me, Monica. Come on, I just want to apologize.

You don't have to. It's fine. I get it. In fact, I'm used to it from women.

Used to what? The jealousy.

Monica, the other night was not about jealousy.

I'm also used to the denial.

Okay, I admit that Maya and Lynn were kind of harsh, but come on, Monica, you

know why.

Which brings us back to the jealousy.

Okay, from day one, day one, you drew your little I'm better than you line in

the sand. You started it. You and your little BFFs weren't even on my radar

until you showed up at Williams already to set it off.

Um, I was trying to protect him from you. Honey, please. Please, honey.

You are. I'm Monica Charles Brooks. I drink Graffel.

We have a law firm to take over.

You are... We have your number. You are ruining William. You are sucking William

dry. Oh, really? And you couldn't order a regular drink? I'll have an aperitivo.

Chennai. Pooja Mae.

Sorry, baby. No speaky bougie.

I guess not.

What were you drinking then, Joan? Huh?

Merlot?

bougie oh excuse me miss i need a man i need a man i need a man oh

you want to go there because we can go there oh then come on come on what you

need a ride because i need some gas money yeah gas money yeah

I can be a bit much sometimes.

Well, and maybe I was trying to replace Tony with you.

I'd like to try to spend it again.

You know, if you want.

Well, I think that makes sense. I mean, if I'm going to be in your wedding, I am

still going to be in your wedding. Oh, wearing yellow.

So, Tony was in town, huh?

Boy, you just jump right in the deep end, don't you? Mm -hmm. I don't wait

shell it into nothing.

Okay.

And she didn't even call me.

Not that I expected she would, but I expected she would.

After 24 years.

Just felt like she pulled the rug out from underneath me with no warning.

I don't know, I just...

I really thought we'd find our way back to each other by now.

Maybe you will.

Well, if we don't, I'm really going to have to find a way to be okay with it

without scissors and matches.

Well, now that we're friends, if you need someone to talk to, you can always

talk to me.

On one condition.

The jealousy thing.

Monica, I told you I'm not jealous of you.

See, that's the problem.

If you want this friendship to work, I'm going to need you to be.

I'm not okay.

Maya,

can we do it again?

Darnell, it's almost three in the morning there. You have to be up in an

Oh, I'm up.

Darnell. Come on, baby.

One more time.

Cool.

And this time, slow it down.