Original subtitles

Oh, no.

Joan, all I can say is I am so happy about my decision to stay with Monica.

Dr. Wolfberg has helped me clarify my feelings. I tell you, without him, I'm

over the place. But right now, I... William Dent is at peace.

Next time you want to play therapist, buddy, get a license.

John, I'm going to have to call you right back.

I'm going to sort your clothes, but you have to wash them, okay?

Okay.

I'm serious.

Wash them. Don't just say okay.

Okay.

Jabari, why do you have a ticket stub that places you at the multiplex in the

middle of a school day?

I don't know.

Jabari.

Oh.

Tuesday was freshman ditch day.

It wasn't just me. Everybody went. I don't care if Jesus went.

At 12 .55, you're supposed to be in your what on? AP English.

That was the only real class I missed.

Plus, look, I already got an A on the English essay.

Well, that is really great, but that does not excuse you from ditching

Do you understand me?

Yeah.

Well, let me read the paper.

Come on.

Um. But the paper is really long, and, you know, you're already late for your

book seminar, so... Tavari, please, them tickets are non -refundable, okay? You

know them aimless heifers ain't going nowhere.

Come on, let your mama read the paper. No, wait, Mom, wait.

Sorry. Sorry, let me read the paper. Mom, wait.

Mom, wait.

Did I mention we got a name?

What the hell were you thinking, copying? Oh, hell yeah.

That sometimes you got a little heavy -handed with the Ebonics.

Jabari Leroy Wilkes.

I really, you know, I don't know what's gotten into you. You're around here

ditching school, plagiarizing, checking my English.

What's wrong with you?

You gonna tell Daddy?

You need to be more concerned about how long you're gonna be grounded.

Oh, but tomorrow's Imani's birthday party at Magic Mountain.

Oh, well, unless you can get to the mountain using magic, you ain't... You

not going.

So, what do you think of my new song?

Well, first of all, I liked it better when Beyonce won a Grammy for it.

And second...

How did you manage to turn a song that uplifts women into a suicidal death

march?

I guess I just have a knack.

Joan! Whoa.

You're nuttier than a hoot owl.

Give me the name of a good therapist.

What's wrong with your therapist?

Mine didn't make bail.

What? Dr. Wolfberg?

Yes. They arrested him this morning.

Turns out he's been practicing without a license.

How could he practice without a license?

That's easy.

So I've heard.

Oh, my God.

For the past eight years, William, you've been taking advice from a quack.

Well, look, just because he doesn't have a license doesn't mean he's not giving

good advice, right?

Didn't that quack encourage you to date Joan?

Yeah, and didn't he say that... Your relationship with your mother is

healthy.

Okay, that quack was wet.

Or on crack.

All right, all right.

What do you crazy heifers know about crazy anyway?

To hell with the both of you.

Hey, William.

Crazy heifer.

Oh, by the way, I got those Lakers tickets for Jabari.

Oh, well, you better go by yourself because that boy is on punishment.

What happened?

He did school so he could go to the movies and see Jackass 2.

What? Oh, my God, I can't believe him.

You're supposed to wait and see that with me.

It also gets better.

He plagiarized one of my chapters from Oh, Hell Yes for his school essay.

Don't tell me. That boy got an F.

No, Joan.

He got an A.

Of course he did.

So what's our note then?

Nothing. My man's in Florida living his dream.

You know, I don't want to bother him with this right now.

You know, I'm not making any excuses for Jabari's actions, but he is at an age

where there's a lot of peer pressure. I mean, I would know.

You know, I did a lot of stupid and questionable things to fit in.

Oh, please.

At 14, I was breaking into the bio lab and liberating my rat brothers.

Of course, my triumph was short -lived when their bloated bodies were found

floating in the varsity pool.

How'd they end up in the pool?

Like Bush, they didn't have an exit strategy.

I just, I don't get it. It seemed like just yesterday. You know, Jabari was

running around in his underoos, playing with his trains, and now he's 14.

got some peach fuzz, and he thinks he can pull stuff past his mama. But you

what? Uh -uh. I have nipped that all in the bud.

I sat him down and gave him one of my very effective one -on -ones.

My God, Maya, you slapped him?

No.

But that's what you do when you give me a one -on -one.

That's because you get sidetracked.

I'm an authoress.

I can set that boy straight using my words.

And right now, as we speak, he is at home.

rewriting, and repenting.

on rewriting my essay.

Well, you need to focus on these groceries.

Come on and help me, okay?

What is wrong with you?

And why are you getting up so shady?

Um... My leg feels sweet.

Uh -huh.

What'd you hide in that folder, Jabari?

Nothing. What you got in there, huh?

Some porn?

Because you know better than to bring that nasty up in here after the preacher

done blessed this house.

I know.

I know that that is not a big old burn hole in my special order eggnog water

wall.

What happened?

I might.

Have been playing with some matches. What you trying to do, boy, huh? Burn my

house down when you know I'm late on my premiums?

Huh?

Stay in my head.

Stay in my head. Stay in my head.

You know better than this.

You are not a child. But since you choose to act like one, that's how I'm

to treat you, okay?

So say goodbye to your bike, your computer, or anything else that has ever

brought you joy. And you're on lockdown.

You're not to leave this house except to go to school.

It was just an act. What will they say?

Art isn't.

Who she think she is, man?

Just because she my mom don't mean she can tell me what to do.

If I want to go to Armani's party, I'm going to go to Armani's party.

Shoot, I'm grown, man. She better ask somebody.

he's a kid he could have picked it up from anywhere you know i i just don't

what else to do i can only ground and yell at him so much i should not have to

leave the house and set up a nanny cam to find out what my son is doing i mean

it's bad enough i have to set up one for land and by the way bitch i want my

spoon fine but i knew the nanny cam was in the vase it ain't in the vase

Something's got to be going on with Jabari because kids don't act out

consistently for no reason.

You guys do live way out in the boonies. Maybe he's just bored.

Please. We got a new house, basic cable, and occasional rattlesnake.

I mean, what's it got to be bored about?

It's tough to go from living in L .A. to living way out in the cut.

Where do you suggest I live, Lamp? Huh?

I wanted a house. It's not like I had 50 million choices.

I had to move where I had to move for my family.

And yes, I know it may be far.

But at least out there, Jabari can go to a good public school.

At least out there, I don't have to worry about him hanging out with the

crowd and having to go get him out of jail.

Hello?

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

I have to go get Jabari out of jail.

Not unless it's a prayer.

Do you know what a tired cliche it was for me to pick up my black son out of

jail at the all -white police station?

Boy, don't you know these cops will shoot you without hesitating? I was just

walking down the street.

Boy, that's all the excuse they need.

Yes, they were wrong for profiling you, but your profile shouldn't have been on

the street.

You should have been in the house.

haven't had our meet and greet yet down at the police station these cops don't

know you live in this neighborhood yet and where were you going

jabari i said where were you going

to amandi's birthday party after i said you

couldn't

I ground you, I yell at you, and you still run around here disobeying

and disrespecting me.

So you know what?

You look at me.

I'm done.

I'm going to call your father, and I'm going to let him deal with you.

Wait.

I was only going to Armani's party because I haven't seen him in two

Well, you're not going to see daylight in two months.

See, that's the problem right there.

Ever since we moved here, I never get to see my friends anymore.

But you get to get in the car and drive to L .A. and see your friends whenever

you want.

I'm just stuck out here by myself.

Nobody ever asked me if I wanted to move here. I don't have to ask you nothing.

I'm the parent.

Would you have any idea the sacrifices your father and I have made so we could

live in this house? You did not move in this house for me. You bought this house

for you. We bought this house so this family could have a better life. Yeah,

well, it doesn't feel better, okay? Because I hate it here.

Your body had none of that hate when we was eating two -for -one last week down

at the Chili's.

Joan, thank God you're always home.

I'm in a panic.

No, you're in your jammies.

Well, I couldn't sleep.

I've been tossing and turning.

William, I want my emergency key back.

You can't come bursting in here. I could have a man here.

Joan, please.

Don't take leave of your senses now. I need you.

Look, it turned out that you were right.

My therapist...

He's a first -rate con man.

And I let him in on all the intimate details of my life.

Should I stay with the law firm?

Should I confront my father?

Coke or Pepsi?

I mean, maybe... Maybe I should have tried again with you.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, we were real clear on that.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

It feels like at every major juncture of my life, I've made a wrong turn based

on bad advice.

Or have I?

William. No, I mean, what about me and Monica?

Oh, God.

I got back with her because that snake oil salesman convinced me that that was

the thing to do.

He said I had intimacy issues, that I was searching for some impossible

standards of love. What the hell does he know?

William, he knows what you told him.

Maybe he was just being a mirror for you.

I mean, maybe you actually made all those decisions yourself.

No.

No, he made them all.

Why are you so afraid to make your own choices?

I don't want to make the wrong one.

You know, you always hear people say, oh, I made the wrong choice and screwed

my life. I didn't want to be that guy.

William, look.

There is no safe way to protect yourself from making mistakes.

You just have to do the best you can.

Look at me. In the last six months, my bad choices cost me three potential

husbands and my relationship with Tony. But you don't see me curled up in a

corner? I did.

She said you were rocking back and forth in that corner.

I said, did you see me?

Well, my point is, I survived making my bad choices.

And if you make bad choices, you're going to survive too.

So you think I'm going to be all right?

Because this is a whole lot of crazy to let loose on a world unchecked.

You're going to be fine.

But it doesn't matter what I think, and it doesn't matter what your therapist

thinks. It only matters what you think.

And the question you have to ask yourself is, do you really need a

validate your life?

Reason for visit?

Yes. I need a therapist to validate my life.

Jabari, why do you keep peeking out to see if your father's here?

I ain't peeking out to see if he's here.

Why is he here?

Come here.

Is this a trap?

I didn't call your father.

For real?

I mean... Oh, for real?

Yes.

But see all that right there?

That's what we need to talk about.

You know, you're running around here so concerned about what your daddy's going

to do that you're disrespecting me in the process.

Now, I know, I know, Jabari, that I may have encouraged some of that behavior by

always saying, I'm going to call you a father.

But I don't need to.

Now, you may be too big for me to spank, but you're not too big for me to run

you over.

Besides, your daddy's going to be gone a lot now, and it's going to just be the

two of us.

You can't be running up airline bills and using up my anytime minutes to have

your father solve every family problem.

You understand?

Yeah.

And I didn't know that you were so lonely living out here.

You should have told me, all right? I'm sorry you didn't have to run around here

sending up smoke signals.

Mom, I didn't know how.

All you ever talk about is how much you love this house.

Boy, you are my son.

I love you more than some house.

Mom.

All right.

The love is just different.

Look, my point is, I hear what you're saying.

Okay?

Okay. I know that it's hard to make new friends, but you will.

And in the meantime, we'll figure out ways for you to see your old one.

Okay? In fact, you can drive yourself there when you're off punishment in ten

years.

All right. Mm -hmm.

So we good?

Yep.

Okay. And I'm sorry for disrespecting you, Mom. Mm -hmm.

But, um, what are we going to do about this carpet?

Because, um, Daddy will play. Mm -hmm.

Yeah, about that.

I think I, uh, got that covered.

Come on.

All right, what we're going to do is we're going to use this old area wrap.

How about that hole?

Put that in. All right.

It's working perfectly.

Okay, just roll it out for me.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

How did this hole get in this wrap?

That wasn't me. That was Auntie Lynn.

Jabari.

You can check the nanny cam is right behind that painting.

It ain't behind the painting.

Damn.

Dr. Wolfberg left me feeling violated and betrayed.

That's why I've been searching high and low for someone I could trust

implicitly.

What's it say, juju woman? What's it say?

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