Original subtitles

So, you're still not ready to marry Monica?

Well, not yet.

You feel trapped and unable to be honest with her?

Y -E -S.

And yet, you're willing to stay in the situation as long as it takes.

You know, William, failing to address your feelings or acknowledge your

conflict... may manifest itself in hostile and irrational behavior.

Ah, Bobbycock.

I'm in complete control.

Did you take my quarters?

You took my quarters!

I needed change for the meter. Well, I needed South Dakota!

It was the only safe quarter I needed to complete this year.

Man, that was going to be sweet.

I was just going to sit back and let the 07s just come rolling in.

How do you even know South Dakota was in that jar? How do you know that it

wasn't?

Jabari, the garbage man is here. Get your butt out here.

Boy, I told you to take your garbage out last night.

Why don't you take it out?

Oh, I know you're not giving me lit while I'm slinging a synth set.

Go. Take it. Hurry.

Oh, hey, Aljo.

Hey. How you doing?

John, what are you doing on my porch?

I'm here for the weekly fish price.

It's 7 a .m.? Uh -huh. I don't want to beat the traffic.

Well, I missed the garbage truck, so... Well, you could catch it over on Hossley

and DeWay. Get to steppin'! You know what?

I set my trip odometer this morning. Do you realize that it is exactly 60 .7

miles from my house to yours?

Well, if you drive 90 miles an hour, you can do it in less than 40 minutes.

If there's no traffic.

Well, that's why I take my carpooling dummy. You might call her Lynn.

Well, look, I just want to throw this out there. You know, we can always have

fish fry at my house.

Girl, they don't have good fish in your neighborhood.

The fish vendor at the farmer's market is the best.

Oh, hell no.

I don't serve store -bought fish, which is why I am so thankful that you got

here so early.

Why? Well, honey, you got to get here early if you want to catch the big ones.

Well, don't just sit there looking all flappy. Grab your pole.

You know, The first time I saw these, I knew they were perfect.

You know these are hand -blown by nuns in Belgium?

Joe, can I say one thing about those ugly little candle holders?

I think you just did.

Wasn't that clever how I did that?

Well, if you'll excuse me, ladies, it's back to real work for me.

Bye, sweetheart.

I'm cooking the Tuscan chicken tonight.

What time do you think you'll be home?

I don't know. Well, can you give me a time frame? Because I need to make my

practice chicken first before I cook my real one.

Well, let's see.

I will be home sometime after I leave the office.

I mean to be all up in your business. Then don't be.

See all that snide undercutting you just slung at me?

You should have slung that at William for disrespecting you. My fiance is a

busy man. I've learned to be flexible with his comings and goings. Flexible,

yes, but damn, woman.

No, I just want to be a good wife.

Yeah, but the Monica I know would never let a man walk all over her like that.

Well, William isn't just a man.

William is the man I love.

And I'll do anything this time around to make it work.

But look, remember this, okay?

Whatever sacrifices you make as a fiancé are going to come back and bite you in

the butt as a wifey.

If he's still nipping at my butt when I'm his wifey, then I'm doing something

all righty.

Okay, Joan, so I've got your blood work.

Oh.

So, how long do I have?

Oh, my God.

Really?

How long do I have?

Joan, you're fine.

Except... Except what?

What? I'm freaking out over except. Your cholesterol is a bit high.

A bit as in cut back on my trans fat or a bit as in don't make any sudden moves

because my arteries are about to explode?

I don't think we need to put you on meds yet.

Thank God. At least not for the cholesterol.

Let's see if we can bring it down with diet and exercise.

Well, I exercise all the time.

At least I used to, before I started spending all my jogging time driving

and forth out there to Lancaster.

And how's your diet?

Well, my diet's great.

Those damn fish fries.

That deep -fried heifer's trying to kill me.

So, William, what do you think about the chicken?

It tastes funny.

Well, maybe if I hadn't had to reheat it five or six times. No, I don't mind

that it's really, really dry.

I just think it tastes funny.

Well, I guess I won't be making this again.

Great.

Let's order a pizza.

What kept you at work so late?

Work?

Vacation?

What is this, a third degree? I'm just trying to make conversation, William.

Well, shouldn't you be conversing with the Pizza Hut?

You're not talking to me like that.

I've been up here for the past five hours cooking for you, and I don't cook.

And I'll be damned if I continue to bend over backwards for your ungrateful ass.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

She is getting hot.

This could be your ticket out of here, brother. Now she's opened a window for

you.

Jump. Jump!

Oh, Negro, I know you're not sitting there. I'm mute.

What is going on with you? Because I'm confused.

Need I remind you, you're the one who came after me.

Now you're up in here playing me like I'm some fool.

What fool he is.

All right, now, here come.

Be cool, baby.

Be cool.

You've broken my heart twice.

And I'll be damned if I let you do that to me again.

The hell with you.

I'm out.

Man up.

Man up. Let her walk. Let her walk. Let her walk.

Wait.

Please don't go.

I'm sorry.

Monica, you're right. I've been an ass.

I've been pushing you away from me because I just can't see how such a

woman like you would want a big, opish, malcontent like me.

Honestly, right now, I don't get it either.

Please, Monica, please don't go.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Are you sure you want to go through with this marriage, William?

Because if you don't, we should just end it right now.

Now what are you doing?

Shut up!

Shut up, you madness woman!

Monica, I love you.

And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

And your chicken.

Punk -ass punk.

Oh, hell no.

How'd you get bad blood?

Maya, don't go overboard. My cholesterol is a little elevated.

It probably just runs in my family.

Oh, damn.

My mama has a high cholesterol, and my grandmother has a quadruple bypass.

Well, the doctor said that it can be controlled with diet. You know, like

cutting out the fried food.

Oh, I hear you, girl. I see the way you be packing away that fried calamari down

at the J spot.

Yeah.

And hitting your weekly fish fries.

You know, girl, it's funny you should mention that, because I've been toying

with the idea of getting me one of them George Foreman girls, you know, the big

ones.

And, you know, I really need to get myself back on a regular exercise

because, you know, I've been spending the weekends driving back and forth out

there to Lancaster. You can always bring the dumbbells on to Greyhound.

Actually, you know, Maya, I found a trainer that'll come to the house. She

with people like Eva Longoria and the Queen, as in Latifah. I would think it'd

be fun if we all worked out together.

I don't know, girl. She sounds expensive.

I'm paying.

Fair enough.

I'm in.

Is this trainer willing to drive out to my house?

Well, I don't see how.

I mean, Maya, she's on a tight schedule, and my house is centrally located

between two of her biggest clients.

Yeah, so she said she can see us on Mondays and Wednesdays. And then in

November, she's going to be able to... Oh, hold on, y 'all. Get another call.

Oh, okay. So anyway, Maya, I was... Hello? You know what happened?

I think she's hyping up this cholesterol business to get us back to her house.

I don't know, Maya.

I mean, a regular workout schedule could be good for both of you. I don't even

know if I have high cholesterol.

Well, you said it runs in your family.

And every time I turn around, you're ramming some fried dead animal down your

throat.

Mm -hmm.

So anyway, if we just, like, move the sofa aside, we will have plenty of room

work out. Save you money, girl. We can do the whole Hollywood trainer thing at

my house. I got clean towels and workout tapes and buku ice water.

Uh -oh.

Maya. Hmm? Oh.

I thought we were supposed to be watching our cholesterol.

No, girl.

Figure.

harm is there in a goodbye fish fry, huh?

Now, both of you need to be vegan. Look at me. I'm perfectly healthy.

Except my blood pressure is a little off the chart.

How in the world did you get high blood pressure? Two bottles of soy sauce a day

and six years of George Bush.

That's it.

Monday, we are all starting to work out with the trainer. Everybody meets at my

house at 7 .30 a .m.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Joan. I thought we agreed we were going to work out at

my house.

I already cut up some carrot sticks and whipped up some low -fat ranch.

I explain this to you. This trainer is really hot.

We're lucky to have her. Plus, my house is midway between Chris Rock and a

Gilmore girl.

I mean, we can't expect her to drive all the way out here to God's Little Acre.

Damn it, Joan!

Oh, you know good and damn well this ain't about your cholesterol or your

trainer. No, no, no.

This is about Joan trying to suck everything back into her great room.

Okay, Maya, that's insane, okay? Am I not here now?

Have I not been at every single one of your fistfights since I got back?

pressure.

Maya and Lynn would not even know each other if it weren't for me.

I'd be mad too, Joan, because you're still paying for two people who didn't

up.

You know, and Lynn's ass is supposed to be neutral.

Maya probably turned her against me with snacks.

Ouch. Okay.

Why don't we take some of this misplaced hostility and do some lunges?

Fine.

Make sure you keep your knees directly above your feet.

My knees are above my feet. If my feet were above my knees, I'd be upside down.

Wouldn't I, Samantha?

Excuse me, don't take it out on me because you're mad at your friends,

you're still turning your knees out, Joan. Keep them straight. I know, but

hard.

So is life, sweetie.

Much like stationary lunges. Let's get to it.

Fine.

You know, I'm not responsible for running Tony off.

And I admit that last year I was not perfect, but up until... Until then, I

pretty much was.

And for them to insinuate that I ran Tony off, bitch, that she was, is below

belt. So forget them. Get some new friends.

Come on. I should.

And I would, but I can't.

Why not?

Sweetie, you're too young to know that I'm too old to make new friends.

the beat, girl.

I can't do anything in this damn desert, Maya.

You finally got central air.

Now run it.

We may be raking in that good, nice car money now, honey, but that does not mean

that I gotta be throwing away our willy -nilly awesome air.

Joan's house was always cool.

You said there'd be snacks.

Take a spineless ass back to Jones.

I would.

But you two got my spark plug.

Damn right.

Because you don't need to be going to Jones. Now sit down.

God, Maya.

Here.

I don't see why we can't do... Why we can't exercise at both houses.

God, you know good and damn well once Jones gets us back into her house, we're

going to be trapped.

I like it here.

Right here.

My great room.

Controlling my own destiny.

Come on, Maya.

Really.

You can't let your friendship with Joan just fall apart.

Bunch of... What, that child thinks she hammers a few nails on a wall in New

Orleans and that's supposed to make her sanctified?

She is just as self -absorbed and controlling as ever.

And I'm sorry that I do not need that in my life right now.

The friendship's falling apart.

Just like that song I wrote, remember?

Yes, I remember that.

No, I don't think you do. I do.

Do not sing that depressing -ass song.

Okay, Lynn, stop it, please, girl.

ready to get in on it.

Oh, you know, if it's a problem, we could go.

No. We're here to make peace.

Maya, don't make me sing that song again. You thought the last time was

Wait till you hear the remix.

Hey, I'm Samantha. If you ladies are joining in, get to squatting.

That's all you got, youngin'? I could squat in Lancaster. And Lynn here, she's

been a squatter her whole life.

Okay, Maya, we don't need your attitude.

What's the problem, Joan?

just like you wanted. You want to know what my problem is?

The problem is that I make one mistake, just one, and the two of you turn on me.

Oh, God.

There you go again, playing the victim.

You've got to be the center of everything.

You know what?

Forget it. No, no, no. Don't forget it.

Talk about it, OK? Look, take a water break.

Because if y 'all ain't going to work out your bodies, you need to work out

something. I ain't got nothing to say.

Like hell you don't.

You have been talking. We've been talking about this for the last two

Okay, look, she wants to know why you got to throw Tony in her face.

Girl, I was just playing.

Look, I was just mad and flailing a button. I mean, she's got so many about

I barely know her, but I do know that button comment is true.

Okay, look.

She knows that she messed things up with Tony, and she knows that she alienated

people, and she knows that she's a self -absorbed, controlling bitch.

Hey, that self -absorbed bitch is kind of hard to get off.

But she's sorry.

I mean, you are sorry, right, Joan?

Joan! I don't know!

I mean, how long are you guys going to punish me?

Nobody is punishing you.

Well, then why don't you come to my house?

Why do you have to be self -controlling?

Why are you...

Joan, I have a house now.

You know how good that feels?

For the past six years we've been gathering here.

Why don't you give somebody else a chance?

You know how it feels to be able to give back just a little of all that you've

given me?

Really?

Yeah.

All right, Maya.

I'm going to keep coming to your house. I'm going to keep coming to yours.

I'd let you guys come to my house, but...

No, I don't really like people up in my place.

Oh, she gave me an out. I was home free and I couldn't let go of her. Why do you

think you did that, Wayne? I don't know. I guess maybe on some level I am in

love with her. But on another, deeper, thicker, more twisted level, I...

Oh, I feel like I'm stuck in the quicksand, and there's a pack of wolves,

they're eyeing my beepy neck, you know?

So you're still conflicted?

You think?

I think romantic love is an impossible ideal.

You're searching for something that doesn't exist.

So you think this could be love, but I just don't recognize it?

I think you need to focus on what you have with Monica instead of what you

have.

Okay.

Well, good, William.

I think you've had a breakthrough today.

Any final thoughts?

Well, there is one other thing.

Should I be alarmed if I feel I'm being taunted by a cooler version of myself?

I think maybe we should explore that.

Punk ass punk.