Original subtitles

And the oil lasted for eight days, which was a miracle. And so, to celebrate, we

have the Festival of Lights.

I thought that was called Hanukkah. Hanukkah is Hebrew for Festival of

Are you sure about that? No.

But I am so excited because it's Morgan's first holiday. And how symbolic

that Hanukkah and Christmas fall on...

the same day this year.

And how moving that Tony and Todd

have called a truth so that Morgan can celebrate both

Hanukkah and Christmas.

Where?

In my great room.

Where all great holidays are spent.

Okay, Joan, before you get all excited, know that I would sacrifice a goat and

drink its blood if it made me look good for the judge in my custody battle.

I knew your trifling butt was pulling a big ol' Hanukkah scam on Todd.

A mother's gotta do what a mother's gotta do to keep her child.

So can a scammer get a mazel tov? Ooh, way ahead of you.

Mazel tov!

Everyone, it's sundown. Todd, darling, could you light the candles? And I'll

the Hanukkah gelt from my purse.

Excuse me, Miss Bing. You can't go cutting off a woman before she receives

king.

I'm sorry, Verretta, but now it's time for my granddaughter's first Hanukkah.

And besides, we've been celebrating Christmas since last night.

Oh, honey, we've been celebrating Christmas since the star rose over

Oh, wait!

So, for your Hanukkah enjoyment, we've got dreidels, we've got latkes, and

even got a bottle of Manischewitz. A bottle of what? I don't know, sweetie.

ate half that thing. If you would drink, I'm out of watsit.

So, what happens now?

Well, I've heard tale of more presents. That's why I brought a big old empty day

one Hanukkah bag.

Tony, you stand here with Morgan so she can watch her daddy light the pretty

candles.

Does anybody know what he's saying?

He's trying to get our baby.

For all we know, he could be chanting some voodoo curse to send us all back to

Africa.

Have some respect, please.

He is blessing the Hanukkah candles.

Blessing candles?

Oh, no.

We don't worship false idols in our church.

Obviously, they don't teach manners at your church.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Mama, please.

Veretta, you know, Hanukkah is a very ancient celebration, and Jesus himself

probably lit the Hanukkah candle.

Well, if he did, that was before Jesus found Jesus.

Jesus loves me.

This I know for the Bible. And you know, that's the whole Bible, not just that

first part.

That's enough.

You know what? I have sat here. I've listened to your carols. I've watched

eat your ham.

I've worried myself into an ulcer that that fire trap you call a Christmas tree

is going to burst into flames.

Well, if you're so worried about a fire, why are you up and through here

lighting candles?

I'm lighting candles because my granddaughter is half Jewish.

Well, if you don't type that on her forehead, ain't nobody going to know

Because in America, That's a black baby with good hair. Praise Jesus.

Oh, come away.

Excuse me.

Look,

Tony and I have put aside our issues to make this day special for Morgan.

We're celebrating Christmas and Hanukkah.

Anyone who doesn't like it can leave.

It's my house.

My empty bag.

And I, for one, am enjoying the festivities.

Those little tops are fun.

And, you know, Darnell and I are cool. I mean, we're used to tension around the

holidays. You know, Darnell's crazy family.

Well, my family got to be crazy.

You don't really want me to bring up Big Mama and the turkey leg, do you?

The Wilkes family's cool.

Mom?

I stomach your wedding.

Your brother is a cloth dresser. I am sitting here on a hemorrhoid donut.

When have I ever complained?

What are y 'all eyeballing me for?

You're going to be here on our terms, or you're not going to be here at all?

Well, I'm sitting here, so apparently I'm all right.

Okay.

Joan. Thank you.

Look, I said it. From Joan.

Tony and Todd had absolutely no business getting together.

I mean, it's right there in the Bible, baby. Corinthians 6 .14. You've got to

equal to yoke.

To be with Tony, you've got to be more than yoke. You've got to be drunk.

You best not be, boy. I'm serious.

You know that boy's lying. I know, but you want to walk across the cold

courtyard and take him away from him?

Not when I got my own.

Hello.

Look, all I'm saying is marriage is hard enough without having to deal with all

that race and religion drama.

We're lucky.

We're both black and Baptist.

Well, actually, Maya, during our time apart,

A brother became Episcopalian.

Episcopal what?

You turned your back on the Baptist church?

Maya, I love the Lord, but not for five and a half hours every Sunday.

And that's not even counting two hours getting out the parking lot.

Darnell, all I know is the Baptist church. All Jabari is going to know is

Baptist church.

Well, actually, Jabari's been knowing the Episcopal church.

You said be ye, not unequally yoked, or live forever in damnation. That's what

you said.

Maya, I'm still Christian. No, you're Christian -like.

Todd, all I'm saying is... Mom, you've said enough.

Well, I haven't said this.

You can't be Jewish and Christian. It's not possible.

We're figuring it out. There's no time to figure it out. Morgan is here now.

Why did you have to marry Tony in the first place? The Jewish girls were

throwing themselves at you. You're a doctor.

No one was throwing themselves at me. Well, you wouldn't have noticed if they

were. And you know why?

Because you're a short, insecure boy just like your father who chased after

unattainable, exotic beauty just like your father. Well, you got her. And

did it get you? And your point? My point is, her Meshuggah mother is right about

one thing.

Our little Morgan will always be perceived as African American.

I have to accept that.

But shouldn't part of her heritage come from us? We're Jewish, Todd.

Our people have been Jewish for 5 ,000 years.

And if you don't raise her Jewish, God forbid, then you're just completing

Hitler's work.

Want me to open a vein?

I'm a little over the top, sweetheart. I mean, I admit it. It's just that little

pitfall of, oh, beautiful.

She's probably the only grandchild I'm ever going to have.

You know your brother's on hormones.

He has breathless now.

Give me this one little thing. Raise mortgage Jewish. Just let me go to my

grave. With the guilt now.

Guilt?

There's no guilt.

Who got you out of debt?

Who helped you buy that show place in Tarzana? I sent you a thank you card.

you did.

Right, you're the good one. You're the considerate one. And that's why I know

you are going to do the right thing and make your mother happy.

For your sake, you know, I did stick it out in a miserable marriage.

Do you know what your father did this time? If he treats you so bad, why don't

you just divorce him?

Divorce a wonderful man like your father? Aunt Monica, shame on you.

Yeah, she nuzzled up on these big old breasts and fell sound asleep, just like

her granddaddy.

You know what?

I'm going to bed, too.

Well, before you crawl into bed...

You might want to get down on your knees and beg forgiveness for bringing

Hanukkah all up and through your baby's first Christmas.

Mama, you know what I'm trying to do.

Tony, I know y 'all think Mama's all jokey jokes, but I am serious about

Christian woman.

Now, Jesus got me sober and finally in a good relationship with you. And Jesus

got you through, too.

Because if I recall, you were down and out in Beverly Hills adjacent.

Well, Jesus is going to have to understand.

Exposing Morgan to both religions will make me look better in court.

Oh, you think you're being all legalistic and strategic.

But all you're doing is mixing that child up.

Well, that may be.

But at least she'll be mixed up living with me.

Tony, I want Morgan to live with you in this life, too.

But I got to think about our next life.

I don't want my pretty little grandbaby waving to me from the wrong side of the

pearly gates.

Mama, with all due respect, what makes you think you're going to be on the

side of the pearly gates?

Oh, because I tie 11%. Practically paid for the

pearly gates.

I know I'm going to have me a key card.

Gated community, my ass.

Hey, Tony.

Morgan is still sleeping. Do you want to come in and wait?

Is your mother around?

No, she's down at the mall returning the sweater you gave her.

Good luck.

From the hospital lost and found.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Hey, look.

I need to talk to you about something, and I guess now's as good a time as any.

What?

I want to raise Morgan Jewish.

And I want you to stop hogging that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Your

turn.

Tony, everyone can see you in her. I want there to be something of me in her.

She's got your hair. See, now you're getting greedy.

I admit my religion has never been very important to me, but it's more than just

religion. It's my heritage. And now that I have a child, I want to pass that

heritage on.

I want her to be raised Jewish.

Is this your mother talking?

She brought it up, but it got me thinking.

This is important to me.

We should have talked about this before, but we didn't, so here we are.

Well, I'm not just going to kick my religion to the curb, Todd.

My faith is important to me, too. Come on, Tony, half the time you're praising

Jesus, you're talking about Jesus the maintenance man.

Todd, this is not negotiable.

I don't want to bring down the wrath of God or, worse, my mother.

Even if I agree to drop my petition for full custody?

Hey! Hey!

Okay, what's all this?

Well, Joan's shoving Kwanzaa down our throats.

So open up.

What? So Joan, when did you start acting black?

If you can act like somebody's mama, then I can act black.

Touché.

Where's Morgan?

Where's your child?

Touché.

No, for real, Tony, where's Itty Bitty? I thought you were going to bring her.

Oh, Todd has her. He probably took her to felt -a -fishing or something.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Right, you guys don't know.

We're converting Morgan so she can be raised Jewish.

Now, what now?

If we're going to dip her in the mix, we'll make her Jewish real quick.

You going to do what to the who now and when?

Todd offered to drop his custody petition in exchange for Morgan being

Jewish. So I've agreed to take her down to some religious hot tub and dunk her

in converter. And I don't want to hear boo about it.

Oh, you're about to hear some boo, boo.

No, Maya, we are going to respect Tony's decision.

Because I'm sure that she's thought a lot about it and prayed on it and sat

it, and she's decided that this is the best thing for her daughter. And what's

best for my daughter is being with me.

I love that little girl.

I mean, you guys, Morgan is my life, and I would do anything if it meant more

time with her.

Then it's done. Oh, no, it ain't. No, uh -uh.

I don't want to be flagged and pulled to the side on Judgment Day because I

didn't stand up for Jesus on this day.

Morgan is not going to get to heaven because the Bible says you've got to

in with the Father before you can get to the Son.

Now, I may be paraphrasing, but, you know, you get my point.

You know, I believe all Jesus was trying to say was to follow his way if you

want to get to paradise.

Clothe the naked, feed the hungry.

Says the woman who wants to be clothed and fed.

That's right. So if you want to get in, you best step up.

You know what, Tony?

You do whatever you want.

But honestly, I don't understand how you can raise your daughter in a religion

that denied the word when it was all fresh and new.

Shoot, honey, they heard it straight from his mouth. Wasn't no he said, she

said, girl.

You're right, Maya.

I need to do what I want, and this is what I want. So then you know what? Do

you, because guess what? I'm done. I'm done.

I'm done.

No, I ain't.

Morgan is black.

Black people are Christian.

End of story.

Actually, Maya, the majority of black people in the world are Muslim.

Well, you know what? I don't really know nothing about all that.

I don't know nothing about that either, but I know there's a lot of them.

Look, you know what, Tony? I'm talking about black people in America.

Let me be specific for you. I'm talking about black people in L .A., Atlanta,

and Houston.

Okay? They don't have all those big old mega churches for nothing.

Morgan is part of a proud legacy of black folk.

Okay, girl? And she needs to know that the church is our rock, our strength.

It got us through slavery. It got us through Jim Crow. Girl, I am praying

get us through George Bush.

Amen.

Look,

Tony, for what it's worth, I think you guys had it right to begin with.

Expose Morgan to both religions because ultimately it's her choice to make

anyway.

And you know what? Maybe she'll decide that there is no choice to make.

Don't all these paths lead to God anyway?

Why we got

to be in the back?

Because we're not Jewish.

Oh, I see. This is our Rosa Parks moment.

We got to sit in the back seat of the mid -bush.

Now, Todd, blow in Morgan's face and dunk her quickly.

Just blow and dunk?

Blow and dunk.

Stop. Wait a minute.

Hold up.

All of this is wonderful and beautiful, and I'm not really sure what you were

saying, but I know it's all good, and I want Morgan to know all of it.

But I can't consent to this.

Not now.

Todd, blow and dunk. Blow and dunk.

Tony, what are you doing? We agreed to this.

Todd, I'm sorry that I let it get this far, but this was a knee -jerk decision.

All my life, I've made knee -jerk decisions. I mean, come on, Todd. Our

was knee -jerk.

But raising Morgan is too important.

I can't have her race in this faith and deny the other part of her religious

heritage, which has been so good to me.

Tony, I'm not doing this lightly.

And neither am I.

Well, you know what this means?

The custody battle is back on.

Oh, bring it on.

Come on, Maya.

Look, we got to decide.

Which church are we going to go to? The church where God dwelleth, Darnell.

Mount Moriah Bethany Baptist.

God dwelleth at St.

Matthew's Episcopal, too.

Okay, you know what?

Jabari, it's all on you.

Which church are we going to go to? Now, keep in mind, you can spend all day at

your mama's church, or you can hit it and quit it at mine.

But over there, Jabari.

You can't get Sister Willetta's peach delight at the potluck.

Why y 'all fartin'? Can't we just do what we usually do?

Lord, thank you so much, and bless this day.

Amen.

So, Ross goes chicken and waffles? Yeah, let's get there real quick before it

gets all kind of a church vote.

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