Original subtitles

That was fun.

Yes, Jasmine, it is always fun.

But... What?

The thing with the thingy?

I love the thingy.

Especially when you do the thingy with the whatchamacallit.

But I was thinking, we've been going out for a month now.

Maybe it's time we took things to the next level.

Cool.

This isn't exactly what I meant, but... Okay.

God, this is the best book I've ever read.

I just can't put it down.

Well, you better. I've been waiting on you for an hour.

Are you going to do me or what?

Man, I just want to finish the chapter.

You can't keep stringing me along.

Woman, I said I'm going to do you. I just want to finish the chapter.

Fine, but hurry up. I don't want to lose this loving feeling.

Okay, what?

Are you doing now?

I'm on with tech support.

English!

For what?

My computer.

I thought you threw that thing away.

That doesn't mean I don't want to know what was wrong with it.

Windows 95.

733, 734, 735.

Great. Now you're counting pennies?

I was.

One, two, three.

Okay, you know what?

It's clear you don't want me. It's clear I repulse you.

You'd be better off without me. The world would be better off without me. So

tomorrow, I die.

No, no, die?

Tomorrow is the day they were supposed to finally make love.

No, that was tonight.

No, tonight with book reading, penny counting, tech support, and jarring

preserves.

You need to talk to your shrink about how you keep getting things all confused

because, frankly, it's affecting our relationship.

No, I am sure it was tonight.

Jennifer, who is the sane one?

You are, baby.

So, then, tomorrow?

Definitely. I promise.

Great.

Then tomorrow, I leave.

Jasmine, first of all, let me say, though, you didn't make it to the

Your gymnastics training was not for naught.

But it was for naughty.

Naughty? Hey, clever.

See, I love the word play. We do connect.

Which is why I'm thinking it's time we take this to the next level.

Cool. No, no, no, no, no.

Not that level, girl. I'm still trying to work out a cramp.

I was talking about us.

You know, our relationship.

If we're going to be seeing each other, maybe I can help you out in your career.

You can get me transferred from the Gap at the Grove to the Gap at the Beverly

Center.

Do you sizzle, Big Whistle?

Any whoozle.

You have goals beyond the Gap, don't you?

I heard you say you're interested in fashion design.

Yes, totally.

It's my dream.

What I want more than anything.

Ooh, and acting.

Acting? Oh, dear God, no. Honey, that's the first rung on the ladder to madness.

But fashion designs, eh?

That's stable.

Got your top, your bottoms, your culottes.

Yeah, I know.

That's why I took a job at the Gap. I thought maybe if I do a good job, they'd

let me show my designs to someone.

Well, Jasmine opening the doors to dressing rooms.

isn't exactly opening doors to a career.

You don't know that.

I'm a valued member of the Gap Team.

Well, I'm a valued member of the real world.

No way! You were on the real world?

No, Jasmine, I'm just saying, I know how things operate in the real world.

If you want to be taken seriously in a particular field, you've got to have

certain credentials.

Hey, have you ever considered going to design school?

I consider going to FIDM.

But some mean girl told me it was really hard to get in.

I don't know much about FIDM, but I do have a client on the board of the

Institute of Design and Merchandise.

Hey, if I DM FIDM.

Anyway, I can put in a good word for you. You got a portfolio?

No, but I have lots of samples of my work in a big binder.

Great! I'll set something up.

Okay, thanks.

up one of your clients too no why because i'd really love to act with him

let's make that our backup plan

I gotta be going.

Me too.

Oh, me first.

Wait a minute. You guys, wait. Wait just a little bit longer. I'm sure Jennifer

will be home. You said that an hour ago.

You can't leave. It's our first cocktail party as a couple.

What a cocktail.

And the party.

And the couple.

Okay, you know what? I'm out. Me too. Me first. Oh, uh -uh -uh. Sit your ass

down. I need you here.

All right, fine.

But I'm gonna stay home to order me a pizza.

And look in here, you little vegan.

It's going to be a big old meat lover's pizza, too.

Fine. I just don't want to be alone with Jennifer because I promised her I'd

have sex tonight.

You are still running that scam.

Damn, this ain't a cocktail party.

It's a cock block party.

No, you guys don't understand.

I'm trying to save her life.

I mean, I'm doing something important.

More important than...

Okay, well, you and Tony are raising kids, but it's more important than

Joan's doing.

If I tell her the truth, she might kill herself.

Is there going to be food at the funeral?

Maya, you know I get evil when I'm hungry.

Lynn, you can't keep deceiving Jennifer like this, okay?

It's not fair to her, and it's not doing you any good.

Look, we'll just talk about it later, all right?

Talk about what? I screwed up. I said I was sorry.

Can we drop? We're at the party now.

Two kids are having trouble.

Yeah, he's all mad at me.

Well, of course I'm mad at you.

One of my biggest clients sits on the board at FIDM.

I set up a lunch so that he could meet Jasmine. She doesn't even show up.

It's not like I flaked. I had an audition.

That was the cattle call. Half of L .A. was there.

I told you I always want to act with Johnny Depp.

And they liked me. I read my line really well.

Will that be all?

You made me look like a fool in front of one of my biggest clients.

You know, we shouldn't even come here tonight. Let's just go.

Maybe I don't want to go.

Fine. Stay.

Maybe Johnny Depp will give you a ride home.

Man, can you believe him? He's totally overreacting.

Jasmine, look, um, I know William really well.

And for him to leave like that, you must have done something to really upset

him. Oh, God.

No, I feel terrible.

And after everything he's been doing to help me, he gave me a list of books to

read, he picked out some new clothes for me, and he even told me how to vote on

Governor Schwarzenegger's referendum.

Sounds to me like he's being a little bit controlling.

What? A girl.

Listen.

What she's saying is he's trying to mold you into his little Stepford wife.

See, sweetie, this is how men do.

You know, my man was always trying to tell me what to do, okay? But you know

what? I had to let his controlling ass go, all right? I had to school him.

And when he learned,

I let him come back.

Didn't he leave you because you cheated on him?

Shut up, Tony. I'm making a point.

Ann. It is a very good point, okay?

I mean, that's why I can't stay in a relationship, because men are always

to control me.

Um, sweetie, for the sake of making a point, I'm gonna let that little

delusional crap go unchallenged.

Look, girl, how old are you?

Twenty and a half.

See, I'm only a couple years older, but, um...

At our age, we have to find our own way. You know, make our own mistakes.

That's why I left my husband.

Because he's a mistake.

Humans should not marry elves.

The point is, Jasmine, this is your journey, not William's journey.

You can't let him call the shots. You can't let any man call the shots.

He's trying to pull a Pygmalion on you.

What?

Pygmalion. It's a play by George Bernard Shaw.

Who?

It's a play where the man molds the woman.

They turned it into a musical. My Fair Lady.

Oh, yeah.

By Lerner and Lowe.

Okay, I didn't mean to get y 'all lost in the headlights.

Okay.

What I'm saying is you can't let him control you. You need

to live your own life.

You guys are right.

I'm going to sleep with Jennifer.

What? I need to take control, stop being delusional, embark on my own journey,

read George Bernard Shaw.

Is that what we've all been talking about?

Oh, hey, Jasmine, when you get here.

Wow.

That was really great.

Yeah, I'm so glad you called.

Being mad at each other really bummed me out.

Well, I did some damage control.

I called my client, apologized profusely on your behalf, and you're still

willing to meet with him.

I've been thinking.

I'm not sure I want to go to fashion school.

What?

We discussed this. We agreed.

No, you told me.

Excuse me, Jasmine, if you want to be with a senior partner, you've got to get

your life together.

This is my journey, William, not your journey.

And at my age, I need to make my own mistakes.

And you need to stop trying to mold me like you men do.

Jasmine, I'm just trying to help you. No, you're not.

You're doing a Pygmalion.

A what?

Pygmalion. It's a play by George Bernard Shaw.

Rob Lowe made it into My Fair Lady.

My Fair Joan.

Heifers.

Excuse me? You heard me, Heifer.

William, we do not have time for your shenanigans, okay?

The girls are here, and they're helping me spitball ideas on how to save the

restaurant. Why don't you change the name of it to the Evilina Cantina?

You can lure innocent young girls full of hope and promise.

Corrupt their minds with your gin -soaked cynicism.

Is this about your little girlfriend?

Of course it's about my little girlfriend. You're trying to turn her

No, we're trying to turn her for herself.

Please, no.

Listen, okay, you can't mold her, William. She's not a piece of clay.

She's a woman.

I will be soon.

I'm trying to mold her.

You're the ones poisoning her mind with your bitterness and disappointment.

Okay, first of all, don't be hurling bitterness and disappointment at me.

That's Joan.

We were just trying to enlighten her, William, with how you men do.

Yeah, well, if I'm... disappointed, it's because men have disappointed me. Am I

right? Am I right? What?

You've got to stop doing that. It's only going to lead to more disappointment.

Just stop.

Look, let's say men have disappointed you.

Is it fair for you to put all that on her?

Well, is it fair for you to put your expectations on her?

At least I'm trying to turn her into something positive.

You're turning her into the kind of bitter, joyless, man -hating woman I'm

trying to escape from.

Well, if you don't let her live her own life, then in five years she's going to

be trying to escape from you.

Yeah, and take half your money and move off to Ojai with her yoga instructor.

I've seen it happen. I've sold those houses.

You're trying to steal her innocence, William.

I'm not trying to steal her innocence. I'm trying to help her.

Look, I'm tired of looking.

For the right woman. What's wrong with me trying to make her... Oh, my God, I'm

stealing her innocence.

Lynn, you can do this. You promised her.

It's just sex.

Just get nasty with it.

Get dirty with it.

Be a bitch.

What are you doing?

Being your bitch.

Take me.

Um, okay.

You ready?

I'm ready to make love to my life partner, my soulmate, my essence.

I love you, Lynn.

I have to pee.

That's okay. You take your time.

do this, Jennifer.

You can be a lesbian.

You've pretended this long. You may as well go the distance.

You saved your life.

Who cares about you? You can kiss a woman.

You want to?

Everything okay?

Yeah, totally. You?

Yeah, great.

Ready to do this?

Oh, I'm ready.

Okay.

Thank you.

That's nice.

A little weird to make love to, but you're my bitch, so what the hell?

Okay, what's the matter?

That's a song that I wrote with Finn.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're still kind of hung up on her, aren't you?

Finn's a guy.

I'm not a lesbian.

What? Never have been.

Oh, thank God.

I'm not a lesbian either.

But you've been trying to get with me since day one. I know. I just... I

to make you happy.

I was so afraid of losing you, and I was willing to do anything just to have

somebody love me, including whoring out my arm.

Oh, my God. Well, that's just crazy.

Yeah, I am.

What's your excuse?

I didn't want you to kill yourself.

Really?

You did all of this just to save me?

That's so sweet.

And kind of codependent and sad.

Yeah. I kind of had my own issues, too.

When I met you up in that canyon, I had hit rock bottom with everything that had

happened with Finn.

And this whole thing with you is kind of a way to avoid dealing with that.

Wow, you're...

Just as messed up as I am.

It makes me feel like I'm not as alone.

Yeah. This could be the start of a very twisted, enabling, and ultimately

dangerous friendship.

So, I can stay?

Didn't I just say that?

Good, because I have nowhere else to go.

Yeah, well, it's going to cost you.

I thought you weren't a lesbian.

I'm not, but I'm still a freak.

Jasmine, we've been talking, and I guess I realize that perhaps I was trying to

guide you to an unhealthy extent.

And we realize that perhaps we were, too.

Except the part about men. You know how they can't be trusted.

Tony. Not all men. Just a majority.

Of the straight ones.

Anyway, the point is, we're going to have to let you go.

What he's saying is, for your own good, you must never, ever talk to us ever

again.

Fly, little bird.

Be free.

Squirrels must love you guys, because you're nuts.

Yes.

Yes, we are.

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