Original subtitles

Hey, Darnell, separate apartments are not silly, okay? We can't court each

if we live together.

Boy, because we're trying to weave our independent lives into a new, vital,

multifaceted marriage.

Oh, my.

Oh, that's good. I got to put that in one of my books.

Anyway, but you're going to feel so much better once you unpack your PlayStation

and get it all set up, okay?

Yes. I love you, too.

I miss you, too.

Okay. Oh, wait, baby.

Hello? Darnell.

a cabbage at your dinner tonight?

Cabbage? Oh, you better run on down to Koreans because all I got is greens.

I don't get it, but I'm with it.

I know

that Moroccan food was off the hook.

So, are we gonna walk off this meal?

or we're going to go back to my place and work off this meal.

Let me remind you, okay, that this was your suggestion to back up and date,

hence the three -month rule, so we ain't having sex.

Maya, even if we just met last month, we'd be having sex by then.

I know you think you look good, but you ain't got it like that.

Come on, Maya.

Give up the draw.

You're pressuring me, Darnell.

My bad, my bad, my bad. That's the old Darnell trying to get his way.

The new Darnell says that he hears you and that he will wait.

A week.

Whatever.

Anyway, oh, before I forget, Joan is throwing a party for us tomorrow night

celebrate us getting married again.

Oh, that's great. Too bad we can't be there.

Why not?

Because we're going to the drag race.

Well, how did you know I didn't have plans? How did you know I didn't have

plans? Because I knew you'd be at the party with me.

Well, I'm not going.

Well, I'm not going to the party without my husband.

Don't even try to play the husband part now. Because according to you, I'm just

the dude that you're dating.

Well,

here we go.

Let's conveniently pull something out of our ass.

Just to win an argument.

There's nothing in my ass.

I'm just so scared.

I mean, here we go again fighting.

That's all we do.

Maybe that's all we can do.

Oh, hell fine.

If it'll stop your fake crying, I will go to the party.

There's still nothing happening. Then knock back another beer.

It helps the milk come in. I've had enough beer. I want a martini and a nap.

You have got to keep trying.

I don't know diddly about family law, but I know for a fact that there's not

judge in Los Angeles County that's going to take a baby from a breath -feeding

mother. Unless you're on crack.

You're not on crack, are you?

Bitch, no.

I give up, Joan. I'm going to the Caymans.

We are not giving up.

Todd is not getting custody of our baby. Joan, maybe it's too late.

Maybe whatever milk I had is turned to powder. Well, then drink some water.

up and down. Get it going, Mama. Mix it up.

Hey,

what's going on?

I was thinking tonight maybe we could have sex, finally.

Oh, no, no, not tonight.

I'm just too tired.

You're always tired.

Yeah, I know. I should probably see a specialist about that, but I'm just so

tired. Look,

Lynn, I know sex is important to you.

So if you like, I can spoon you and fondle your fun bag.

You know what?

As good as that sounds, I just remembered I have to go over to Joan.

Why?

She has my plunger.

Are you having an affair with her? What? No.

You're always avoiding sex with me, and you're always running over there.

Something is going on. Okay, fine. If you must know, Joan and I have been...

We've been planning.

We've been planning a surprise commitment ceremony party for you and

There. You made me say it. Are you happy?

Why would you do that when we already planned our ceremony? We're going to

And what do you need a plunger for?

Oh, yeah, I left you another surprise in the bathroom. But I guess you made me

ruin that one, too.

Joan, why do you keep fluffing pillows when we have no customers in here?

Unfluff them.

And what were you thinking throwing the big shindig for Maya and Darnell when

the restaurant is clearly in trouble?

Look, we can't be fiddling while Rome is burning.

Listen to me. It's genius. I have a freezer full of half -boiled meat, which

plan to salt heavily and serve to Maya and Darnell's friends.

And then, when they are dying of thirst,

cash bar.

With watered -down drinks?

Ka -ching!

Joan, I need you to throw a party for Jennifer and me for our commitment

ceremony to prove to Jennifer that I'm not having an affair with you.

Oh, my God.

You know, she thinks we're having an affair?

That's just... Oh, wait. I'm sorry.

Did you say party?

You know it's cash bar only, right?

Half price for active lesbians.

Joan, our marriage party is off.

Why? What happened?

Darnel got all clever. He said if we're going to celebrate the fact that we're

getting all married again, then we need to start having sex again. And y 'all

know, I'm waiting three months for that.

Hasn't her pathetic life shown you that doesn't work?

Okay, so the party's off.

Oh, darn.

I already salted the... Plan my menu.

Okay, well, then we'll take Maya's spot.

We'll have the ceremony here tomorrow night.

That works out great. Thanks, guys.

Now I just have to figure out how to stop her from fondling my fun bag.

Well, if you stop her, they won't be fun anymore.

Just be bags.

Where's the fun in that?

Morgan, come on.

Latch on.

I know you're hungry because I'm hungry, but do you hear me crying?

No, because Mama's sucking it up, and that's what I need you to do.

Suck it up.

Do you understand if you don't do this, the white people are going to take you

away from me?

Then you'll end up like Lynn, all confused and tattooed for the rest of

life.

Oh, my God. Morgan, please.

Maybe you should go live with your daddy because I can't do this.

Screw that.

Your little butt ain't going nowhere.

You're going to love me. You hear that, you little heifer?

Oh, Mama, stop.

Oh, my God.

Did you just smile?

Do you like it

wanted you to know that I got Joan to counsel the party for us. Hey.

Hey. Great. So tomorrow night, me and you at the drag races.

Something better.

We're going to go to Lynn's lesbian commitment ceremony.

So, you know, we're something nice.

Maya. Maya.

What?

Um, is being with your friends worth risking me and you?

What are you talking about? We just got back together.

And every five minutes, you're running over there to be with your girls.

I mean, what's going on over there?

Is that why y 'all instituted the three -month rule so y 'all ain't got to sleep

with men?

Hell, at least Lynn, she honest with us. She came on out with it.

First of all, Lynn's not even a lesbian. Okay, she's just living a lie.

And secondly, how come when some girls are tight, we got to be some lesbians?

Our brother's just wondering why his woman don't want to be alone with us.

Oh, okay, so we're going to be alone at the drag races with P9M, huh?

But clearly I'm just dating the old Maya, but the old Maya used to give me

You know what, boo? There are a lot of four -letter words I want to use on you

right now. But you know what?

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Okay?

Because I take this dating thing very, very seriously. And thus and such.

Okay? If you had met me yesterday, my girlfriends would be part of the new

package. Then I guess I need to decide if I want the package deal.

So, I was thinking about it last night, and just like my friends are part of my

package, your friends are part of your package.

So, to be fair, I invited Peanut and Em to Lynn's party.

Trust me, once they heard the word lesbian, they weren't thinking about no

race.

So, see, boo?

Everybody's happy.

I'm not.

I'm so pissed at you, I don't even want none.

Pissed at me?

What, Darnell, what did I do besides bust my butt trying to make everything

right? Yeah, you're busting your butt trying to control every aspect of our

relationship. Well, for the record, Darnell, I'm not the one with the

issues, okay?

That would be you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That would be you.

Making plans for me and my boys without asking me?

Imposing a stupid three -month rule on a couple?

been having sex for the past 13 years?

Damn, Maya.

You can't even see how I'm bending over backwards trying to be the new Darnell

for you.

And how do you think you're doing that?

Let's start with me throwing away good money, renting a stupid -ass apartment

across the courtyard from my wife.

Okay, wait up and hold it.

This is your little idea, Darnell. Let's start over.

You know I was talking about an attitude adjustment, okay?

Not taking our asses back to square one. Okay, you know what? Look, look, look,

look, look. All I need to know, okay? Are you, P9M, coming to Lynn's party or

not? Because Joe needs a head camp.

All right, if I go, then I'm a punk.

I don't care if you're the new Maya, the old Maya, Maya the remix.

You don't want to be with no punk.

So now, I ain't going.

Hush up, you little puke head. You're working Mama's nerves.

You keep on, Mama's going to toss you out that window in the rush hour

Yeah.

Oh, hey, Joe.

It's okay, Tony.

Sweetie, give me the baby.

You mean what I'm saying?

Yeah. No, no, no. She actually likes it. Look.

She just fell asleep.

She knows when to shut her little trap.

Okay, Tony, if you're scaring me, then you're scaring her.

It's okay, Joan. It's actually healthy.

For who?

For both of us.

I called my pediatrician, and he said that it is normal for first -time

to vent their frustration.

Um, sweetheart, not to the baby.

Oh, goodness. What do you want me to do, Joan, huh?

Sing Rockabye Baby?

Yeah, that'd be more appropriate.

Yeah, let's break that down.

Now, first of all, the baby's in a treetop. Now, right there, I'm calling

services.

But then it gets worse.

The wind kicks up, the bow break, and then down comes baby cradle, and what,

Joan?

Oh. Now my baby's in neonatal ICU, and I'm in jail.

Is that what you want, Joan?

Huh?

To raise my crippled baby?

It just seems wrong, Toni.

Joan, she doesn't understand what I'm saying.

She just senses that I'm relaxed, and it relaxes her.

I finally got her to latch on.

Oh, my God. You did it.

Wow, Jennifer, you're looking hot.

Too bad we have to go to the commitment ceremony.

I'd throw you on that bed and do you right now.

Well, then do me, baby.

But I can't, so we won't. So let's go.

Oh, my God.

I can't go to Joan's restaurant.

What? Why not? I can't compete with her.

She has everything to offer you, and I have nothing but my litany of woes.

And my pencil.

Uh, that's my pencil.

Great. Now all I have is my litany of woes.

But, Jennifer, you're the one I'm committed to.

Jones is my friend. There's nothing going on between us.

So come on, we've got to go. If you make me go there, trust me, I will sharpen

this pencil down to a nub. Is that what you want?

Jennifer, I gotta go.

One of us has to commit to our commitment party.

Fine!

Take them out of your pencil!

Yee!

So Jen's not coming?

I told you no.

So what about your other guest?

Okay, you know I only had 24 hours to throw this thing together.

So you didn't invite anyone?

You're on lesbian action?

Sorry, William.

All right, that's a cut.

Puppy!

Where is everybody?

She didn't invite anyone.

So there's no party?

Au contraire, mon ami. We are having a party with some salty beef and a big old

cash bar.

But no one is coming.

That's not true.

Darnell's coming, and he's bringing peanut nims.

So how many people is in?

200? 300?

What are we talking?

We're talking they ain't coming.

And neither is Darnell. He's tripping.

Okay, trying to put it on me and say that I'm the controlling one. When y

know that that is the game that he likes to run.

So I left his ass at home so I could have some fun with my girlfriend.

Ain't we having fun?

Maia, you just got back together with Darnell. This is no time to be playing

games. No, games are for much later in a marriage when you're both unhappy and

cheating on each other. You remember.

Still, I'd rather be hanging out with y 'all.

Maya, it's very sweet that you want to hang out with us. But the fact is, the

only reason I was having this party is to get rid of some old meat.

And Lynn's involved with something that's so absurd, it's not even worth

explaining.

But you, Maya, you have something real and important.

Trust me.

Not worth it.

Run back to your husband.

All right, fine.

I'll go.

But I'm going to circle the block a couple times. I mean, I don't have to go

home with my towel all up between my legs.

Ooh. Now that sounds promising.

Stand by camera three. I'm going to need a handheld on Maya.

June, don't worry about it. Maya and Darnell are going to be fine.

Okay.

All right. It's probably best that I just keep on going, you know, get it all

out.

Darnell, I am so on guard about you trying to control me again.

But I guess this time around, I was trying to control you.

There's that little pause again in case you want to do something with it.

I understand.

And it's okay, baby.

Darnell.

I know you're bending over backwards.

Well, now that we're not fighting anymore, you want to go on another date?

Yeah. Yeah, I would like that a lot.

Oh, yeah.

Looking so good in those shorts. Why don't we just forget about my three

rule and have some sex right now?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Maya, for the sake of our relationship, I can't let you control when we have

sex, all right?

Okay, so good night. Okay. Good night. Good night.

All right, now we can do it.

I can't believe we're stuck with all

this beef.

Stuff goes bad at midnight, so quit your whining.

Is that midnight L .A. time?

Because I think this rib is on East Coast time.