Original subtitles

Guys, I am so nervous about tomorrow.

I don't even get it.

Oh, girl, I know what you mean. Living hand in mouth like you do tomorrow could

be eviction day.

Oh, Tony, don't tease.

Tomorrow's a big day for Maya. Thank you. Not every day that she gets it.

What is he doing again tomorrow?

Oh, you know what? You guys keep playing, okay? And next time I have my

published by a real publisher and I have a real book signing, I'm only going to

invite my real friends.

Is that enough?

You guys are my real friends. Y 'all better have your real trifling asses

Maya, of course we'll be there.

What's she talking about?

Her book signing.

Do I have to go?

She doesn't expect me to read.

Read what?

Excerpts from her book.

She wrote a book?

Oh, hell yes.

Girl, if you're that excited about it, maybe I should go?

Maya,

put me down as a maybe.

Now, where is it? Crenshaw Bookstore.

Crenshaw? Girl, you better put me down as a maybe not.

We've got a crisis in African -American studies. Uh -uh, girl, I did my part. I

gave 50 bucks to United Negro College Fund.

No, I mean, Maya. Oh, my goodness, what?

Maya?

What's wrong?

I don't know if I can do this, Joan.

I don't know. I mean, oh, my God, look at all those people. Look at all those

people. What will I say?

What about the question and answer session?

I mean, what if I don't know the answers?

You don't know the answers. You wrote the book. That doesn't mean I read it.

Maya, sweetie, it's okay. They're going to love you. Okay, Maya?

What you're experiencing is classic opening night jitters. It's normal.

But as a wonderful author once wrote, don't let fear make you its bitch.

Wow, that's really good. That's good, girl. Who wrote that?

You. Oh, my God. Y 'all see?

I don't even know what I wrote.

I understand what you're feeling, all right? Yeah. But you cannot let it hold

you back. Okay. I mean, look, what if I was afraid that nobody was going to show

up to the opening of my restaurant?

Oh, my God.

What if nobody shows up to the opening of my restaurant? Okay, Joan, I know

you're not trying to make this day all about you, okay? Oh, hell no.

Why? It's oh, hell yes.

She really does know what she wrote.

Joan.

Huh? You coming? Oh, yeah. This biography of Abigail Adams just caught

Joan, what is this? Huh?

Are you a little freaked out about facing William after the breakup?

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm a little freaked out about the opening of my restaurant. And so I just

wanted to read about how Abigail Adams handled the opening of the...

Congress.

And how she served a continental breakfast.

Okay.

So I'm a little freaked out about facing William after the breakup.

But you said you guys broke up with no hard feelings, right?

You want to go back to being friends, just be friends.

You know what? You're right, Lynn.

You're right.

I just... I need to face him.

Okay. Joan? Another time.

Now, we're going to start by having a few people read from Oh, Hell Yes, after

which the authoress, my wolf, my cousin, and sometimes hair model will say a few

words. Our first reading is from Miss Joan Clayton. Joan, come on up here,

Maya, I just want to thank you.

I want to thank you for inspiring me because watching you pursue your dream

given me the courage to follow my dream of opening a restaurant.

It's called The J Spot.

And it's actually on 3rd. It's right near La Cienega.

And we're going to be opening in just a few short weeks. And you can park at the

Beverly Center, but just don't tell anyone I told you that, okay?

I'm going to race.

Okay.

Hope to see you there.

Okay, um, I'm gonna be reading chapter 17.

Don't be hatin' what your mama spent nine months creatin'.

There's so much hatred in the world.

Why should we waste time hating ourselves?

Especially when there's so many hateful people worth hating.

And that's why I always say, if your man acts like he's your daddy...

Tell him you already have a daddy.

If that doesn't work, you take a switch to his behind like a mommy.

And if he likes that, then you run as fast as a mother. You may have success.

You may have wealth.

You may even have love.

But if you don't have your girlfriends to share it with, it ain't worth a lick.

You're just a lonely bitch.

Yes, thank you, Tony.

Now, without further ado, let's hear from the author of this brilliant book,

Miss Maya Wilkes.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I never would have thought that a...

A little girl from Compton who got pregnant at 16 would be standing up here

today.

But here I am with my baby who isn't a baby anymore.

I want you to stand up, Jabari. Let everybody look at you.

Stand up. Oh, now.

I stand up so everybody can see my handsome grandson.

And, of course, that is my hero.

My mama, thank you so much for being here. She drove all the way here from

Bernardino. Because I love my baby, and I am so proud of her.

You know, so many of you have

played such a big part in my life and inspiring me, and I don't think I'll

be able to express just how important all of you are to me.

William.

I know that I wasn't always the best assistant, but you were always the very

best boss.

No offense, Joe.

And Ronnie, I'm not going to forget you this time.

You've always kept me and my hair on track.

Yes, I did. And that wasn't always easy on both fronts.

Thank you, boo.

Now, I also have to thank my girls.

Joan, Tony, and Lynn, you three have been my rock over these past few years

the inspiration for my book.

Because if y 'all hadn't been manless, crazy, and acting out hafiz, there would

have been nothing to write about.

Thank you.

And who should I make this announcement to?

Oh, Detroit Veronica.

You are my inspiration, my muse, my candle in the wind.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I can't write all that. It's a long line.

I'm buying ten books.

Okay, give it to me again. And slow, like I'm special.

Stay. Fab.

View.

Lust.

Tony. There you go, baby.

Tony?

Nobody's asked you to sign books.

Just because you read from it does not mean they want your autograph.

No, girl, they don't know what they want. That's why they turn to myself and

Maya for help.

Oh, my God.

William's on his way over here. What should I do? Don't turn to me. I can't

you.

Great plan. I'm sure he'll never notice your ass in the air.

Hey, Tony.

Lynn.

Joan's ass.

Joan, we clearly need to talk. Let's get a bite after this.

Um, yeah, William, I'm on a very important phone call.

Big business here, okay? Yeah.

Hello?

Really? Oh, God.

Yes, I will take a hundred. Mm -hmm.

Joan, I think that's you.

Um, I think I know my own phone.

Yeah.

Um, hold on a second. I'm just kidding.

I'll take a hundred. Thanks.

So who should I make this one out to?

How about Darnell?

Darnell. Hey, Ma. What are you doing here?

Wouldn't miss out on all this.

Congratulations. I'm proud of you.

Thank you. I hope you didn't have to wait in line too long.

I know. It was worth the wait.

Well, I got the bagel and the cream cheese.

Oh, somebody's got a big smile on her face.

Well, I have a lot to smile about.

Darnell wants me back.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What happened?

He came to get a book signed.

I know. I signed his book.

Well, what did he say?

Well, he said that he was proud of me and it was worth the wait.

And then I signed his book, Love, Maya, and he said thanks.

So when I signed his book, Love, Tony, he said thanks. It doesn't mean he wants

me. Does it?

Oh, you know what? You guys aren't getting it, okay? It's not what he said.

how he said it.

It's how he acted.

It's how he looked at me.

It's how he walked in looking all Billie Jean, ladies from the blues.

He wants me back.

And I want him, okay? And we're going to be remarried by our anniversary, so y

'all have as better market calendars.

I think you're making this out to be more than it is. And believe me, this is

coming from the Olympic medalist in Mountain Adam O 'Hell -Macon.

Oh,

come on. You guys, if he didn't want me, all right, then why did he come all the

way down there to get his book signed?

Huh? He could have done that any time he came to pick up Jabari. He's trying to

gauge your success so he can cut back on his alimony.

Girl, you better let bygones be bygones and alert your attorney. Excuse me, but

I remember supporting you when you wanted your man back. Oh, sweetie,

different. Todd's a doctor.

You know, Maya, clearly you still have feelings for him. But the only way

going to know if he still has feelings for you is to just put yourself out

and see what happens. No, I think she needs to take a look at who Darnell is.

If he wants something, he's going to ask for it. Besides the fact that he's been

with Lena for almost two years now.

Darnell and I basically grew up together, okay? So I think I know I'm a

bit better than you do.

Now, if you all will excuse me, the ball is in my court, and I got to make my

next move.

You go, girl. You go.

You and Darnell Little Junebug deserve to be a family. Go get them, girl.

I can't talk to you right now. I've actually got a meeting with a wine

There's no wine vendor. That was my assistant that called you.

Why would you do that?

I had to. It was the only way I could pin you down long enough to talk to you.

Pin me down? What are you talking about?

Joan, it's obvious that since we broke up, you've been avoiding me. I have not.

William, come on. Look at this place. We're supposed to open in a few weeks. I

mean, I've got a million things to do.

Joan, would you just look at me?

Look at me.

I know why you're doing this.

You've never been friends with an ex.

What are you talking about? I've been friends with plenty ex -boyfriends.

Oh, really?

Name one.

George Doty.

And, oh, boy, were we in love. I mean, talk about magic.

And you two broke up because...

Summer camp ended.

Joan, the whole reason for our breakup is because we were meant to be friends.

So it seems crazy that we can't be friends.

William, I'm trying.

Do you think I like feeling this way?

No. That's why I think we need to do something to break the ice.

Remember that fight we had over that Logan case and didn't talk to each other

for a week?

What did we do to ease back into that friendship?

Come on, William. I can't do that. Yes, you can, woman. We're doing it.

Simon says touch your nose.

Stupid.

Stupid's what we do best.

Simon says touch your nose.

Simon says do your head like a chicken.

Come on, William.

I can't do this.

Fine, then stop.

Ah, Simon didn't say stuff.

See how much fun this is?

Now it's your turn to be Simon.

I can't do this.

Come on, sure you can.

No, I mean... Joan, Simon says play Simon says, damn it.

Excuse the harsh tone. That wasn't me. That was Simon.

I'm sorry, William. I'm just not ready.

Well, I guess Simon says game over.

I came to pick up Jabari.

Oh.

You didn't get my message?

Yeah, I got the message. It said to come by Jones to pick up Jabari. So here I

am. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, silly. The other message, the one that said come at

7, because Jabari wants to stay for the cookout.

Oh, the cookout. Yeah.

No, I didn't get that message.

Okay, you know what? Peanut and Em can't take a message to save their lives,

okay?

Oh, well, you're here now. You want a hot link?

No, I'm cool.

Literally. It's cold as hell out here, girl.

Well, uh, just stand by the grill. That'll warm you up.

I'll get you some food here, okay?

All right, Sister Cookout, where is everybody?

Um, well, Joan had to run down the street, and Lynn, well, you know, she

be anywhere.

Where's Jabari?

Tony took him to the mall to get a swimsuit.

A swimsuit? Mm -hmm.

She's been playing with sprinklers.

In 50 -degree weather.

Sprinklers are heated.

You know how these city folk do.

She wants some greens. We have so much food.

Uh, Maya.

Yeah?

What's going on here? I mean, what's up with the outfit?

What do you mean? You remember these shorts, Darnell?

These are the shorts I was wearing the first time you asked me out. My cousin T

.C.'s cookout.

But why are you wearing them now?

Because I'm a cookout shirt.

Maya. Listen,

I... I know why you came down to the bookstore.

You still have feelings for me.

Maya. And Darnell, it's okay.

It's okay, because...

I still have feelings for you, too.

Maya?

Lena and I are engaged.

What?

We're engaged.

I don't understand.

Well, why did you come down to the bookstore acting all Billy Dee and Lady

Things of Blue?

I came by the bookstore to say congratulations.

Yeah, but by yourself.

Now, where was Lena, huh? What, that girl can't read?

And what, have her way with her engagement ring all up in your face?

I didn't want you to find out like that.

Oh, okay, so, Darnell, you thought that coming here, catching me all unaware,

stuffed in my cookout shorts was the better way to go?

I know I should have told you about me and Lena.

I just didn't know how.

And I came by the bookstore to be supportive.

We've been through a lot together.

And I meant what I said.

I'm proud of you. Oh, yeah.

Are you going to be okay with all this?

Guess I'll have to be.

So I guess I'll swing by later and I'll pick up Jabari.

Don't bother. I'll bring him.

Thanks.

I brought him here as a favor to his mom and then he wandered off on me

somewhere around the designer shoe department.

But he's about yay tall, he's black, he's wearing a blue sweater, silver

blue jeans, ripped at the knee.

Air Jordans last year. He has an earring in his left ear and braces on his

teeth. And he loves video games and comic books.

What's his name?

Jimmy Crack Corn.

No wait, no wait, let me double check that.

Hey Joan, um, what's my son's name again?

For real?

Okay, I'm tripping.

All right, girl. Okay, okay. I'll talk to you later.

All right, bye.

Jungle Jim.