Original subtitles

Todd canceled his flight for tomorrow. He has to work. Can you believe it?

I'm going to be alone on Valentine's Day.

Cheer me up, Maya. Tell me about your miserable life so mine will appear less

bleak.

You know, Tony, normally I would take that as a hint, but since my life is

bleak, I'm going to hear about it. Here we go.

You know how Jabari always gets me something special for Valentine's Day,

Well, I took him to the jewelry store yesterday, and he was acting all

secretive.

And this morning, when he went to Sunday school, I snooped around in his room

and I found it.

A heart pendant necklace. And you know what it said?

To Melanie, love Jabari.

Who's Melanie?

That sixth grade hoochie he's giving his mama's necklace to.

Oh.

Who's Jabari?

My son.

Jacuzzi Chase's name?

No, girl, he... Yeah, girl, you like it?

No.

Anyway...

I've got reservations for me and Todd at Blue for tomorrow night.

Why don't you and I go?

Okay, I'm not doing anything else.

How about land a share plan?

Can you believe it?

My vibrator broke.

Nah, girl.

She's free.

It's late.

It's midnight, to be exact.

Officially, February the 14th.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Three months ago tonight, we had our first official date.

And we agreed we'd wait three months before having sex.

Now those three months are up.

So drop the robe, woman. I'm wrecked to go.

William, William, William, William.

Reinhard, it's also Valentine's Day.

And it's our first one together.

Okay. Don't get me wrong.

I am going to put it on you.

Oh, yeah.

But later.

Oh, man.

Don't worry.

I'm gonna rock your world. No.

But I need some romance first. Oh, man.

You know, like cars and some flowers and a gift.

Huh? I just want our Valentine's Day to be right.

Hold that thought.

Okay.

Valentine's Day, dearest.

Here's your bouquet.

William, are these from my yard?

Yes. And some from your neighbors helped fill it out.

Here's your card and your presents.

Just remember, there's not a lot open at 2 o 'clock in the morning except for

drugstores, so... Here's some honey for my honey.

A baby for my baby. Oh!

What's that?

Oh, it's a... It's a hole.

It was funnier when I was standing in the gardening aisle at the Rite Aid.

Thank you.

Yay. All right, Joe.

Now, I got your card and your flowers and your gifts, just like you wanted. Mm

-hmm.

So drop that robe, woman. I'm ready to go. What?

William.

William, William.

Please stop saying that.

Please start doing it.

So, over the past three weeks, when you've been saying, only three more

only ten more days, only two more days.

You weren't talking about Valentine's Day, were you?

Maybe.

So, you didn't make us any dinner reservations anywhere, did you?

Maybe.

William, I've never had a great Valentine's Day.

Every year, it seems like I'm either alone or disappointed or dealing with my

boyfriend's baby mama. And now this year... This

year, I have a really, really good man.

Sweetheart, we deserve a really good Valentine's Day.

So, you come back here tonight at 8 o 'clock.

And we'll have dinner, and we'll dance under the moonlight on the patio, and

we'll lay by the fire.

And then, to celebrate a magnificent three months together, we'll

make love.

You can wait till then, can't you?

Maybe.

I miss my husband.

I miss Jabari.

I miss Sparky.

That's what I called my vibrator.

Can't you just get another one? No, they discontinued it.

The motor revved too high and women were getting shocked and burned.

Oh, Sparky.

Actually, I don't.

Don't what?

I don't really miss Jabari.

Of course not. You'll see him tomorrow.

I know, but I'm not looking forward to it.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, I love my son. He's a miracle to me.

But sometimes I like my time alone.

God,

I'm a terrible mother.

You're not terrible.

I'm sure a lot of mothers hate their... want downtime.

I can't believe I'm telling you guys this. I haven't been able to share this

with anybody, not even my Lord.

Not if, look.

What?

I'm not a slut.

You just confessed something, and you've given me the courage to say something

I've been meaning to tell you guys for a long time now.

Okay, you know how I always talk about all the guys I slept with and all my

wild, crazy sexcapades?

It was all a lie.

All of it?

Well, I'm not a virgin, and I like sex, but I have a tendency to embellish.

Come on, how many times have you actually seen me with a guy or girl?

there was no five -day orgy in Chichicatenango?

Nope. I just like saying Chichicatenango.

And, uh, sorry to disappoint you, but there was no threesome in the governor's

mansion and no Lin Spin.

But you told me to Lin Spin for my honeymoon.

I just made up a bunch of crap.

Lin, I pulled three muscles and chipped a tooth.

Sorry. Okay, why would you lie about all that?

made up a story once and you guys reacted and thought it was so cool so I

kept doing it before I knew it it became my role I figured that if I wasn't the

life of the party that you guys wouldn't have any use for me and I'd lose you

and that's crazy I'd still be your friend but this heifer here she's got a

of stone poor Jeep Cherokee his name is Jabari oh like you can

I'm going to treasure that forever.

Oh, my God.

William, these are so beautiful. Yeah.

So put them on and take everything else off.

But, William, I cooked you a special dinner, and then we're going to dance

the moonlight on the patio and lay by the fire.

And then you can see me on these earrings.

I just want tonight to be perfect. Great. I'm starved. Let's eat.

dance will finally... Quiet!

Drop trial, woman. I'm wrecking gold.

William, I just want a little romance.

We have plenty of time for sex.

No, Joan, we have plenty of time for romance.

You don't seem to get it.

I want you to feel bad it hurt.

Wouldn't you be three months now?

Hell, I wanted you for eight years now.

Ever since they saw you at the law firm in front of Sweetleton's office in that

green dress and your hands all pulled back.

William, do you remember that?

I love you, John.

Oh, William.

I'm ready to go.

I'm sorry.

This is so funny that we're finally doing this.

You know, I think you're confusing funny with hot. Maybe I am.

Would you stop that? I'm sorry.

You know, a woman laughing during sex taps into a recurring nightmare I had as

teenager.

I'm sorry.

Okay. So no giggling. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

What?

You know, there was this other dream I had with a giant chicken. Oh, God.

And when I rode him, his feathers tickled my thigh.

What? He's wrong with us.

I don't know.

I think we waited too long.

Now it's too much pressure.

I think of Lynn and Monica and Yvonne. And Ming Lee.

We should go to a hotel.

We need neutral territory.

The gym is neutral territory.

What? The gym is neutral territory.

It's from West Side Story.

Focus.

Focus.

You know what? You're right.

I want you.

You're right here.

Okay. Woo!

Okay, let's go to a hotel.

So that time you threw your back out, it wasn't from doing it while hanging from

bungee cords under a bridge.

Lifting a heavy house plant.

Woo! You two low -down heifers.

Lying all these years about who you really are.

What about you, Tony?

What about me?

must be some secret you've been keeping from all these years something we don't

know well okay i wasn't gonna say anything but you

know everyone thinks i'm cold and heartless yeah the truth is i spent all

spare time working with the homeless

There's got to be something.

Yeah, come on, Tony. We told you our biggest secret.

Well, all right.

There is one thing.

You know how everyone thinks I'm broke?

Mm -hmm.

Well, I have a little bit of money stashed in this never -going -back -to

-Fresno fund.

Oh, girl, I thought he's got a little money stashed in it.

I've got half a million.

Oh, snap, girl, you're sleeping on the gold mine.

Which I don't touch, don't none of y 'all ask, Lynn.

Okay, but what about your husband?

He's in debt. You could help him. Could have, still can, but won't.

Hell, I'd let him sell a kidney and toss somebody's salad in prison before I go

back to Fresno.

Dang. You are a horrible wife.

Said the horrible mother.

Fine, you won't tell my secret, I won't tell yours. Deal. Ah, and remember,

don't let anybody know I'm not really a freak.

Got it.

Now, exactly how many men have you been with, Lynn?

In my lifetime?

About a hundred.

But bear in mind, one event involved 30 people.

I have not been lying. You are a freak.

I am?

Huh.

I guess I've been lying to myself.

I'm sorry.

This room is just... It's so impersonal.

It's a hotel room, Joan.

I know, it just isn't... It feels sleazy, like we're having an affair or

something. Or it feels sleazy, like we're having an affair or something.

I'm sorry.

What? This whole thing.

I'm just, I'm having trouble getting in the mood.

You know what?

I know what will help. What?

A little hotel porn.

Oh.

when you're gonna like this.

Oh, shoot.

I think it's already started.

So?

Oh, I don't like coming into a movie in the middle. You don't know what's going

on.

Well, it's not that complicated, Joan. You see that guy right there? Mm -hmm.

He's gonna have sex with every woman he delivers pizza to.

Why?

Because it's porn.

We have naked people we don't even know.

Five and a half.

Count the midget.

Sweetie, we have each other.

I know, Joan.

It should be enough.

I just don't know why it feels so uncomfortable.

Because we didn't start with phone sex.

Huh? Phone sex. We need to start with phone sex.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. I know just the number, too.

and take some of the pressure off. All right, I'll try anything.

Okay, so I'll go in the bathroom with my phone, okay? I'll stay right out here

and be sexy.

Tell me about that.

In English.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do to you, big boy.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Who's your daddy, bitch?

What?

Nothing. I was just talking dirty.

William, that is not talking dirty. That's just mean.

I'm just getting the scores.

Unbelievable.

But, Joan, I always get the scores when I'm talking on the phone. It's no big

deal. Liam, of course it's a big deal.

This whole night is supposed to be a big deal.

Joan, are you awake?

I never really slept.

Oh.

William, what happened last night?

More like what didn't happen.

What's wrong with me?

Am I so afraid of relationships that I screw them all up?

It's not just you, Joan.

Three months ago when I suggested we wait, I said I was doing it for you,

I was worried that if we took that step and it wasn't right, that we couldn't go

back.

Maybe we're just meant to be friends.

Yeah, I've been thinking that too.

But I do love you, John.

I love you too, William.

Last night was something, huh?

Yeah, the honesty was... refreshing.

Anyway, I gotta go.

I really miss my son.

Yeah, and if I don't sell any houses today, I'll be crawling back to Fresno

Broke. Okay.

101.