Original subtitles

So did Joan pass things up with her mother? I don't know.

I can't be bothered with her little drama. I'm pregnant and I'm hungry.

get it i'm pregnant i'm hungry fine i'll get it it's probably for me anyway give

out your number i'm expecting to call about a kangaroo oh what good day mate

hey william oh my god when where is she okay we'll be right there

it's jones she's in the hospital they think she had a heart attack

Someday.

But for now, you're going to be fine.

You mean after the pacemaker?

No pacemaker.

You had a heart episode, an arrhythmia.

Which preceded the heart attack?

You did not have a heart attack.

So I had a stroke?

No, as I said, you had an arrhythmia, which can be brought on by stress,

traumatic event, or diet.

I'm sorry, I have to know. Is my daughter okay?

Okay, I think we can rule out diet.

You see what you've done? Because of you two sickos, I had a heart attack.

Oh, my God. So she had a heart attack? No, she did not have a heart attack. She

had an arrhythmia.

She's going to be fine.

Joan, listen.

No, William, don't talk to me. My heart can't take it. Your heart's going to be

just fine.

You know how I know?

Because God wouldn't take you away from me now that we're a couple. We are not a

couple. We are some unholy threesome.

Ooh, my heart.

Oh, my God. Thank God she's alive.

Joan, we came as soon as we heard.

Well, almost as soon as we heard.

It only took five minutes to drive through the jack -in -the -box.

Joan, girl, tell us what happened.

I caught William and my mother in bed together, and I had a heart attack.

What?

Joanie, I never slept with William.

Me and her, that's just ridiculous.

Oh, please, I've worn out younger than you.

Yeah, she's going to be fine. She'll be released tomorrow.

Oh, thank God.

Did you sleep with her, Mama? No.

Okay, now that's settled.

Sweetie, I'm so glad that you're okay.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go down to the cafeteria. I'm craving

that hospital jambalaya like a big dog.

Hey, but if things go south, page me. Yeah.

Jambalaya.

Better get another bed ready.

Yeah, John, we, uh...

You better get out of here, too. Let's get some rest. Yeah, Johnny.

Thanks for coming.

Joan, nothing happened between William and me.

So why were you at his house undressed?

Undressed? Oh, hell no!

After we fought, I was upset.

I went over to William's to talk.

And you ended up naked.

Been there.

I needed to shower and change before my flight. That's why I was in the robe.

I thought maybe William could help me understand what you were doing with your

life.

Joan, I called your house and left a message saying she was there.

That's why I thought you came over, to work things out with your mom.

That's a good try, William, but I didn't get any messages.

Oop!

Actually, you did.

I accidentally erased it when I was checking your machine. I was expecting a

call about a kangaroo.

Really? Yeah, Joan, you know how I love kangaroos.

No, you idiot. I'm talking about erasing William's message. Because of you, I

had a heart attack for nothing.

No, because of you, there's a confused kangaroo at LX hopping around trying to

get a cab.

Oh, thank you.

Girl, I don't know what I'm going to do to get people to start buying my book.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my kangaroo.

Maya, can I use your bathroom as a sanctuary for it?

Glenn, what's wrong with your bathroom?

Hello? The alligator would eat it.

Lynn, you're not getting a kangaroo.

Right, right, right, right.

You think that story, if Game and Wildlife makes an unexpected visit, all

saw was a hopping dog.

Well, do you think your kangaroo can hop up and down Crenshaw Boulevard holding

my book?

I don't know. It might. Why?

Because that's the kind of publicity my book needs.

If you need publicity, you don't need my kangaroo. You need to come on my TV

show.

What TV show?

The talk show I have on public access.

Since when, Lindsay? Since the last three months.

How come none of us know about this?

Because y 'all selfish bitches never ask.

I mean, it's always Jabari this, or I'm pregnant that, or I'm having a heart

attack. Just so you know, I'm not the needy one in this group.

You have a TV show?

Yeah. With real cameras and stuff?

Yeah.

All right, then, girl, fine. I'll go on your TV show. Thank you.

Oh, my God, Maya, the way you talk, I would think you didn't know about my

Honey, I don't have to go.

Mom, just go.

There's nothing you can do.

If it's my time to go, it's my time to go.

Go where?

Play tennis.

Run a marathon.

Because that's what the doctor said you could do if you wanted to.

You're right.

You're right.

Statistics are on my side. I mean, the chances of me having another heart

are what? Like one in three?

Two in three?

Three in three?

Honey, if you want Mommy to stay, just say, Mommy, stay.

Mommy, stay.

Honey, I can't.

I booked a cruise.

But I'll call your ship to shore, and I'll swing through here on my way back

from Tahiti. Well, unless, of course, I find my next husband.

You know how Mommy shines on those cruises.

Oh,

there's my cab.

Mom, what about me?

You're going to be fine.

Joanie, no matter what you do, you're my daughter, and I'm proud of you.

Just promise, Mom, you'll keep up with your bar association dues, okay?

Bye -bye.

I love you.

Hey, Carol. You out of here? Yes, Tahiti call.

Well, bon voyage.

Give me some sugar. Oh, for God's sake, don't kiss me. She'll have another heart

episode.

Hey, my little arrhythmia.

Hey. I bought you an assortment of get well and I love you balloons.

Some flowers.

And a bear.

Feel free to call him Willie.

I did.

Ooh, and some fat -free candy.

You know, in case that was a real heart attack you had.

All right, I'll be honest.

Now that we're going steady, I didn't want you to blow up on me.

Ooh, and drum roll, my two favorite movies.

Spidey 1 and Spidey 2. Because you know at their core, they really are the

perfect love story.

Kind of remind me of me and you.

So how does this TV situation work? Do I got to weave it out of your bedroom?

William. I know what you're going to say. Let's watch it back there. But

shouldn't we take it slow?

Then again, what the hell? It's not like I'm wearing underwear.

William, can you just stop for a minute, please?

What is it, love bunny?

After what happened, I just... I can't do this.

Come on, Joan. We've cleared this all up. It's Lynn's fault for deleting that

message.

Damn her passion for all things marsupial.

William, I know nothing happened, but whenever I see you and my mom together,

relive my heart attack.

You didn't have a heart attack!

But I could someday.

Also, William...

We're business partners, and that could be really awkward.

And I don't trust Monica. She's never going to let you go. And let's face

William, I'm never going to measure up to your mother.

And whenever we bring up your mother, it makes me think of my mother, and it

makes my heart hurt.

Joan, you're doing it again.

You're sabotaging us before we even get started.

Well, maybe it's not sabotage.

I mean, maybe it's my heart telling me that on some level we would never work

out.

Damn it, Joan, what do you want me to do, prove it to you?

Look, if you don't know by now, then just forget it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, William, don't leave here angry.

Come on. I'm sick of the rollercoaster ride, and I want to get off.

And I'm taking my Willie with me.

I just wanted to be honest with myself.

You know, after my heart attack.

The thing is, I had to take a look at my relationship with William and ask

myself, is he my ideal man?

Okay. Okay, so who is, you say?

I don't know.

But I know it's not William. And yes, you know, I haven't had much luck with

until now.

And William is a good man who would try to make me happy.

But he's not my ideal man. Oh.

He's just the man that's there.

I believe my perfect man is out there, Tony.

And I'm going to wait for him.

Joe, look at me.

Take it all in.

I married a man who's practically a midget. Oh, my God.

You're right.

I made a terrible mistake.

I've got to go get William back.

Joan, I'm too tired. I can't do this tonight.

William, please.

I do want you. I made a mistake.

I was scared.

It was the heart attack talking.

You did not have...

William,

look. I have been holding on to some romantic ideal of my perfect man.

Who he would be, what he would look like, how he would walk.

What clothes he would wear.

And how when he walked in the room, I would get weak in the knees. But

you're none of that.

But it doesn't matter.

Because that man might not even exist, but you do. I don't care that your nose

is a little funny. I don't care that your head's kind of lost by this. I

care that you possibly have the assiest ankles I've ever seen in my life.

Because William, it doesn't matter.

I love you.

And we should be together.

So let me get this straight.

You're settling for me?

Yes!

First, I tell you I love you.

And you say we should just be friends.

Then you come to my hotel room to tell me you changed your mind, but somehow

end up at the wrong room.

Then you convince yourself that I slept with your mother and had a heart attack

just to avoid me. William, don't be dramatic. I didn't have a heart attack.

You're breaking my heart.

I want to be the man that you settle for.

So, thank you.

But I think I'll wait for that person who thinks I am her perfect man.

So, girl, how do I look?

For cable access, you look fine.

What?

Although you could take your top off and I'd get higher ratings.

What? I'd do it, but this sick to death would seem like he'd do it.

All right, you ready? Yeah.

Oh, hell, we can't do anything without a cameraman.

Where's Bob?

Bob!

Bob? Sorry I'm late.

I had a hard time prying off my house arrest anklet.

All right, Maya, you ready? Because it looks like we've got a small window

before the cops get here.

Yeah, I'm just a little nervous.

I want to showcase my book in the best possible light.

Oh, Maya, please. You know that book Inside and Out. You'll be fine. Okay.

Five, four, three, two... By the way, you're going down. What?

Hi, I'm Lynn Searcy, and welcome to... Ambush! No matter who you are or what

have accomplished, I will bring you down because... We don't blow smoke up

anyone's ass!

Tonight, our guest is Maya Wilk, author of a new book, Oh, Hell Yes.

So, Maya, why don't you start off by telling us about your alleged book?

First of all...

Then it's not alleged.

It's real.

Okay. And secondly, it didn't start out as a book. It actually started out as an

essay that I wrote for college.

And, well,

it inspired a bunch of women. And I thought, well, why not share the truth?

long story short, it became a self -help book. A self -help? Yeah. Let me stop

you right there because the first word that comes to mind is liar.

What? I mean, come on, Maya. Isn't this book really? Really? Just a bunch of

psychobabble garbage sprinkled with a little ghetto talk?

Lynn!

Come on. What the hell are you doing?

I am shining the bright light of truth on your mendacity.

I mean, don't you pride yourself on being a single mother? Yes, I do. Then

where's your son right now? He's with friends. Oh, really?

Mm -hmm.

Let's go to the tape. What tape?

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Another out -of -control gangbanger on

the streets of L .A. And why?

Because of mothers, too, because you're writing this crap.

And, girl, you might want to give me that book, okay? Oh, this book? Yeah.

book where you present yourself as a struggling working -class woman living

paycheck to paycheck when, in fact, did you not stay in a five -star hotel in

New York City where you ordered not one, but two $20 Kit Kats?

Who's paying for all this?

Halliburton?

Enron?

Let's go to the tape.

You can go wherever the hell you want. I'm going home. Give me my book.

Oh, and by the way, before I go, game and wildlife.

This bitch trying to smuggle in a kangaroo.

That's a lie.

That's a lie.

Can you believe he said that?

Can you believe he doesn't want me?

I could go through a series of head nods, eye rolls, and grunts. I could

pretend to be sympathetic or supportive, but...

I'm pregnant and I'm hungry and frankly, I don't have the time.

So, here's what I have to say in sweetness. Take this in the spirit in

is given.

Girl, you need to go lesbian because if you can't hook William, there's not a

man on God's green earth that'll have you. Oh, pimento loaf.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean if you can't hook William?

What's wrong with William?

William is a good man.

William is a prince.

And William has always been there for me.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's the wind beneath your whatnot. Ooh, mustard.

It's how Peter Parker was always there for MJ.

I finally saw Spider -Man.

And all I can say is, William is the most romantic man I have ever met.

Then, girl, you need to go and get him.

And, hey, while you're out, pick me up a sheet cake.

You know, to celebrate my sandwich.

Help me, it's Joan.

I know it's you, Joan. Just give me a minute.

William, the blood is rushing to my head. This can't be good for my heart.

What are you doing?

What are you wearing? And what have you done to my house? William.

costume shortage.

So I had to make something up so I'm kind of like Insect Turban Girl.

I was supposed to be up in the web, but I kind of fell down.

You know you're crazy. I know.

But I had to do something really big to make up for all the stupid things that I

said to you.

William, I love you.

Shut up and kiss me.

Insectivander. The restaurant is called The

J -Spot, and we're planning on opening in February, and it's going to be a

nighttime spot with great drinks and great appetizers. Appetizers? Let me

you right there, because isn't it true that you plan on serving kangaroo meat?

What?

Oh, that's crazy.

Oh, really?

Then why don't you explain what we found shivering in your meat locker?

What?

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