Original subtitles

All right.

It's always a pleasure to take three moochin' heifers out to lunch.

And to pay for their dinner. Make sure my takeout's on that bill.

Yes, yes, yes.

I welcome an opportunity to flaunt my wealth.

Oh, hey.

Speaking of my wealth, have I shown you all my new, very expensive pen?

Yes, gentle heifers.

Feast your eyes on a $6 ,000 pen.

$6 ,000 for some funky pen?

This is not a funky pen.

This is a limited edition Mont Blanc Copernicus fountain pen.

Note the exquisite detail on the 18 -karat gold nib.

18 -karat, crazy.

Let me see that nib.

Just as I thought.

A $10 manicure and the remnants of a tuna wrap are not going to besmirch this

blatant symbol of my status.

You know what $6 ,000 could buy.

Look, I work hard.

I deserve nice things.

I deserve to live in a manner the likes of which you'll never achieve.

I deserve to flaunt the benefits of that wealth.

You all excuse me.

I deserve to go out and drive my $100 ,000 BMW.

Ta -ta, peasants.

What he deserves is an ass kicking.

No, he deserves to have a little mini stroke when he can't find his pen.

How'd you do that?

I don't know. Maybe the answer's in your wallet. Lord knows nothing else is.

a week, and you've yet to relax.

But cooking is relaxing, and I enjoy it. I've gained about five pounds since you

quit work.

Hey, at least you stopped knitting things.

Just because I was raised by farmhands doesn't mean I can eat a farmhand's

breakfast every morning.

Slow your roll. Pass me the roll.

I thought you guys enjoyed our pretty Dijonais. There ain't nothing petite

this slab of ham.

I was doing this for you hectic, on -the -run, slim -fast girls anyway.

But if you're not enjoying it, then it ends, because I am so ready to unwind.

I'm ready for a little contemplative me time. Yes, I am. Girl, I've been working

since I was a Girl Scout hustling cookies in front of the Kmart.

Oh, yeah, this downtime is a blessing.

Yep, yep, nothing like spending a little minute with oneself.

Hi, welcome to Wiener Tickle. Would you like to try our Southwest -style wiener?

Uh, just two lemonades. Thank you. Would you like the large, the jumbo, or the

wiener splash?

Uh, large.

You know, for just ten cents more, you can upgrade.

Fine. Jumbo. Would you like to combo that?

Will you leave me alone?

Not until I point out our complimentary condiment bar.

Ketchup to the left, mustard to the right, wiener sickle hot dogs taste just

right.

Ah.

You want a number three wiener sickle with fries?

No, mama, number four. Okay. Let me get a number four.

You know, for just 50 cents more, you can do the wiener splash.

John!

Let's see, John, why are you working here? You're a grown woman.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Did I lie?

What are you guys doing here?

Girl, that hardly matters.

The question is, what are you doing?

I'm coming home from work.

From Wienersickle?

Have you lost your damn mind?

Look, obviously we bailed on you too soon.

But we're here for you now to help you make sense of this horrible accident you

call your life.

Talk to us, Jo.

We won't judge.

Oh, hell. Who am I kidding? We've already judged. Just talk to us.

Well, I was relaxing and contemplating and... Okay.

I got a little stir -crazy. I had an anxiety attack, so I decided to go to

mall. And I was at the mall looking for something to wear to the office when I

realized I don't have an office to go to. And that's when I saw it. The Help

Wanted sign.

And with my resume, they just snatched me up.

You know this is kind of crazy, right?

Is it?

Why? Because you smell like a wiener.

I'm not the good kind. Hey!

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no.

Wiener Sickle is a quality product. And the lemonade?

Yum.

So what is Wiener Sickle paying a former junior partner these days?

Well, they started me at minimum wage, but they say...

that I'm the perfect candidate for management trainee.

Okay, I freaked.

God, you guys, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to relax.

Run. Don't walk back to the law firm.

Beg for your job back.

Oh, I know I don't want to be a lawyer. I just don't know what I want to do

next. I want to do big things, you guys.

Dress like what?

The cat in the hat?

Okay, you're right.

God, this is crazy. You know what? Tomorrow morning, I will go down there

quit. Go down there?

Joan, it's a wienersickle. In a food court at a mall.

Just don't show up.

I can't do that. I have integrity.

Wienersickle has been very good to me. I can't just walk out on them.

Certainly not until I get my hat deposit back.

Look, here's a picture of the pen.

It's worth six dollars.

Look, I'm going to just look around. I'm not going to bother any of your

customers. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Shut up!

Sorry. Lost a pen here earlier. Cost more than your whole car.

Oh, hell's bells. I was in the other booth.

You, up now!

Thanks.

Oh, my gosh.

This is too much fun watching him lose his mind.

Oh, my God, why are they black?

He was checking the toilets in the men's room. He was in there so much, they

probably think he's cruising it.

Oh, my God, he's risking that guy.

Hey, take your hands off me. All right, look, this is how it's going to go down.

I'm going to turn around.

You're going to put my pen on that table.

Then you exit.

No questions asked, no charges pressed.

I don't have your pen.

Liar, you shifty -eyed pimpy.

going to have to ask you to leave.

Oh, are you now?

Interesting.

Then what? I walk out of here, you pawn my pen.

Next thing you know, you're frolicking it up down there in Club Med, thanks to

me and my bunk.

Sir, we've called the police.

You have my number.

Here, Maya, would you please give this back to me and get back to the office?

I sure will.

I think I'm going to see him cry one more time, like a little bitch.

Look, Jennifer, did you dip this?

Does this look like the picture?

If you can't dip the wieners the wienersicle way, then maybe you don't

to wear the wienersicle hat.

You need a life. I quit.

I don't need a life. I have wienersicle.

Jennifer, I have a job. I'm a manager.

I'm going somewhere.

I'll have my own franchise at 19 while you're a what? Another unemployed

statistic.

Hey, Missy, bad time?

No, no, Jim. What's up?

I just want you to know I've had a wonderful time working here, and I've

so many valuable lessons.

I'm not quitting. It's just that I have a mortgage to pay, and I can make so

much more at Cinnabon.

This is why America is doomed to be surpassed by China.

Where is the work ethic? Where is the loyalty?

Where is the pride in one's job?

I have pride.

I pride myself on my pride. Just go.

I don't have time for people going nowhere.

I have customers.

Hi.

Welcome to Wienersickle Wednesday.

Please get in one line. Don't shove.

I will get to you as soon as I dip those dogs, drop those fries, and peddle

these lemons.

Missy, I actually don't start at Cinnabon until Thursday, so I can help

today.

there to quit.

But you were abducted by aliens?

No. I didn't quit because of my work ethic and because I don't want our

to be surpassed by China.

The Chinese work, they don't walk out on some job just because it demeans them.

Okay, sweetie.

Let me break it down real simple.

It demeans us to be seen with you in that getup.

This is not a getup.

This... is my wiener -stickle uniform, which I wear with pride.

I am proud of my job.

And a little scared of my manager.

She may only be 17, but she don't play.

She is very high -strung and a little obsessive -compulsive, and she takes

herself very seriously.

Sounds like you.

Exactly.

And I can't quit on myself.

You quit on yourself when you put that hat on.

You know, Joan, the only reason that you're clinging to that job is because

you're afraid of facing what comes next.

Uh, said the woman who stayed in school for like a hundred years.

Like bite me? Uh, like so bitten.

Uh, William, William.

What happened to you?

Let's just say my pen's not in the dumpster.

Nor is it in the belly of that surly rat that lived at the bottom of it.

give that stupid pen back to him. And I told you how much fun it is to watch him

act like a fool.

Yesterday, he pulled up all the carpet in his office, and when he called

maintenance to put it back down, I got the afternoon off.

Hell, I just might keep this little pen till Christmas.

We rock.

We are Wienersickle.

Welcome to Wienersickle. How can we serve your Wienersickle needs?

What a long day.

You know what I want to do, Missy?

I sure do.

Scrub out the batter bin and deep pulp the juicer. We are...

Actually, I was thinking we could take a little break.

Yeah, I guess we can take a wiener a minute.

Missy?

You're really into wiener sickle, huh?

I believe one should give one's all to one's job.

Missy, you don't have to do it all.

Yes, I do.

You strive for a level of perfection that no one can attain.

Well, that's because most people...

Missy, you expect too much. I mean, this is just a job. It's not your life.

I know.

I once had a job that I made my entire life.

Trust me, you do not want to get to 32 and have never stopped to smell the

roses. Well, I guess that can be a little intense.

Like, I suppose I didn't have to fire those guys just for being a couple

late. I mean, after all, they were in a car accident.

You remind me so much of me.

I remember when I used to work at the Gap.

You worked at the Gap?

In fact, I perfected a method of folding jeans that shaved three seconds off of

the official Gap time.

Oh, God, they put a picture of me in the newsletter.

Oh,

that was one of my proudest moments.

You know, until I passed the bar.

You were a lawyer?

Yes.

Like, in this country?

Yes. I was a junior partner at a very prestigious law firm.

So, why are you working here?

Because I'm 32 and I have never stopped to smell the roses.

Oh.

I just figured you were mentally challenged or something.

I'm not mentally challenged.

But you're a grown woman dipping hot dogs.

Yeah, and I was going to quit, but...

No, I didn't.

But you were crying.

Oh, please, I'm 17. I cry every five seconds.

In fact, I'll probably cry when I quit tomorrow.

Wait, wait, what are you talking about?

What about your work ethic? What about China? What about the wienersickle way?

Girl wienersickle.

I'll get a 30 % discount at Abercrombie and Fitch and summer's coming.

Are you sure you're not slow?

Thanks for treating my... No, you know, I haven't paid for a bill in, like, two

years. And, well, since this wash over here only had water, I can get this.

Oh, dear.

You still have not given that thing back?

I was going to, till he asked me to spend the day searching for it in his

Beamer. So I drove it to Disneyland.

You know, see if the pen made it down there.

It happened.

Then I drove to SeaWorld, see if it was there. It wasn't.

Then I drove to Tijuana. Girl, I could have been there, but I got distracted.

Oh, Lord, what do you know? Chicklet.

You know, I still don't get it. What could make a pen worth $6 ,000?

Let me see that.

Okay, we were right here when I said, what can make a pen worth $6 ,000?

And then you said, let me see that, and that was the last time we saw that.

Just so we're clear, Lynn was the last one who had possession of a $6 ,000 pen.

No, no, no. I was the last one to make reference.

Of the pen. I did not have possession of said pen.

Using legal terms, Lynn, ain't gonna get you off the hook.

I didn't have the damn pen.

Can we just look for it instead of reenacting the scenario every five

Unless we can fashion a pin and that number two pencil on this gold tooth

found.

William has just asked out.

I hear that.

I say we just take this to our grave.

Whoa, whoa, hold up, hold up.

All hope isn't gone.

We still haven't checked this bottle of rum.

Hi, my name's Ashley, and I'm a woman in transition.

I just moved here from the D .C. area, and I'm trying to figure out how y 'all

work things out here on the West Coast.

I really want to love L .A., but I'm having a little difficulty.

I mean, would it kill somebody to let a sister merge?

Hi, my name is Rhonda, a woman in transition, literally.

I've done the boobs.

I'm just waiting on some more fun to address the penis, just in case you

would like to help, which would be fierce.

I'm taking donation.

Hi.

My name is Beverly, a .k .a.

Machete, and I'm a woman in transition.

I just got out of the pen for killing my husband, but that's not why I'm here.

I just felt the need to share that, you know, in case something goes down.

Uh, hi.

Um, my name is Joan, and I'm a woman.

In transition, I'm on a quest to find a career that makes me happy and

fulfilled.

I recently took a big step, and I left the only career that I've ever known.

I was an attorney. Oh, wait a minute. Hold up. You straight up live.

You ain't no attorney. I saw you dipping dogs at the Wienersickle.

Oh, no.

You a grown -ass wiener dipper.

Now, you need to explore why you a underachiever.

I'm not an underachiever. Oh, really?

Wiener dipper.

Then what are you?

I'm a... I'm a... mentally challenged.

Whoo! Life gave me lemon, and what did I do?

You made lemonade.

Damn right.

That was stupid.

No, it wasn't.

I was stupid.

I lost a $6 ,000 pen.

And I deserved to. I was flaunting it. And God don't like gaudy. He's shown me

that.

I've learned my lesson. I'm a changed man.

I'll buy a Bic tomorrow.

It'll be a top of the line Bic.

Can I get you another round? I don't deserve another round.

Well, suit yourself.