Original subtitles

Hold it up now.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ronnie, Ronnie. You're supposed to be reading my essay,

burning me bald.

As long as I have two working hands and three packs of Yakky No. 5, you will

never be bald.

Hush up and turn the page.

And that's why I said, oh, hell yes.

The end.

Mm. Mm -mm.

So?

What do you think?

Well, girl, except for a couple of misbalances and a few runaway comments,

essay is fierce.

I mean, why say, oh, hell no, when you can say, oh, hell yes. It's brilliant.

It spoke to my heart.

So you really think it's good?

It ain't your mama's pot of greens, but it's good.

Sat up on that bench like the king of jurisprudence. I hate it when he does

that. But then, I pulled a 170 .6 motion out of my hat.

Pursuant to CCP Chapter 3? The very one. What about Section 170 .4?

I got around it.

That is so sweet. Clark, you're the man.

Isn't he a bad mamma jamma, John?

He is something.

This is you, John.

Remember when I used a 39 Cadillac 211?

Good morning, Counselor. Good morning, Peters.

Here's your green tea.

I printed out your email, confirmed your 3 o 'clock, and, oh, yeah, I quit.

What?

Oops, my bad.

I hereby give my two -week notice of resignation.

Why? Because I'm going back to situations.

But, Peters, I thought you said you were through doing hair.

I was.

But Ronnie and I made up. Plus, he promised that if I come back, I will be

-H -I -C.

Huh? Head, hot comb, and charge.

Besides... If I may speak out of turn...

I need to extricate myself from this thinking ship you call a career.

Thinking ship?

me, Peaches, but I am on the partnership track.

If I may speak out of turn again, I don't know the hell you ain't.

Any fool can see you don't really want to be partner. Hell, you don't even want

to be a lawyer.

Not in your heart of hearts.

Of course I do.

Girl, you need to stop faking the funk.

Peaches gave notice today.

And you need my back?

No.

But get this.

He had the nerve to tell me that he doesn't think I'm ever going to make

partner because my heart isn't in my job.

Isn't that ridiculous?

I'm going to have the fish of the day.

You too?

Well, Joan, is your heart in it? Yes.

I wouldn't have wasted three years in law school taking the bar. And for the

last seven years practicing law, my heart wasn't in it. That's not what I'm

talking about.

Look at me. I love the law.

I crave it. Do you crave it?

Do you think about it all the time?

In the car.

During sex.

During sex in the car.

No, because I have a life.

Real lawyers don't have lives.

We have law.

You know what I thought about this morning in the shower?

Naked Republican lesbians writhing in a warm pool of mud.

Yeah, but after that...

I thought about arguing a landmark case in front of the Supreme Court.

Now, what'd you think about the shower?

Honestly?

That I can't wait to remodel my shower?

Joan, let's face it. I wake up ready to litigate. You wake up ready to decorate.

I like trying cases.

You like trading spaces.

Okay, William, I get the point. Wait, I have another one.

I like watching court TV.

You throw around potpourri.

Check. Coveralls.

Check.

All right, guys, I think that's everything.

Uh, you forgot to mention Tony's new do.

Check. And if y 'all get any paint on it, y 'all will be dead. Check.

How about when we finish here, we go over to my place and paint Jabari's room

real quick?

Check.

Get a sense to get a check.

Hello. I live in a hellhole. Ladies, can we please get started?

Tony, here's a brush. No, I'm good. I brought my own.

All right.

Perfect.

When are y 'all going to get started?

Tony, we're finished.

Well, somebody set the bar pretty low.

Tony, shut up.

John, you are amazing.

I mean, look at this place.

It's tasteful and stylish.

And not finished.

Somebody's got to get rid of these boxes.

Oh, no, no, no. These are all your thank you gifts.

It's all the stuff that I borrowed from you guys for over the years.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. Lynn, how did you get my Bobby Brown CDs?

Hey, it's my prerogative.

Oh, my God. I haven't seen these things since college.

Ooh, my sweater from the limited, my Dura pants from the limited, and my

limited credit card.

Oh, yeah, you might want to pay that off.

Lynn, how did you get my birth certificate?

It was easy. I just wrote to the Department of Records.

Why? Why are you all up in my business?

Lynn, what the hell is this?

What? This.

My application to the Fashion Institute that you were supposed to mail for me

senior year.

Oh, that.

25 cents dance.

Memories.

Lynn, why is it still in the box?

Why didn't you mail it?

My guess. I forgot. Lynn, I'm serious.

Joan, don't you think you're overreacting?

I mean, it was ten years ago, so I didn't mail it. What's the big deal?

No, I'm not overreacting, Lynn. And the big deal is that I waited for the damn

response for weeks.

And when it didn't come, I thought it was a sign that I should go to law

so I did.

And now I'm stuck being a stupid lawyer with a stupid life, all because of your

inadvertent malfeasance. Thanks a lot, Lynn. Thank you for ruining my life.

How about thanks to me she can use big law words like inadvertent malfeasance?

No judgment may be supported by

inference. Ah, but inference must be a reasonable conclusion and cannot be

upon... Suspicion or surmise. And an inference cannot stand if it is

unreasonable when... Viewed in the light of...

It's almost brilliant in its simplicity.

This is you, John.

What's up with her?

Somebody's got a gavel up their butt.

Hey, Maya.

Hey. Now, why are you looking all oh, hell no when you are Mr.

Oh, hell yes.

Because I got a D plus on my essay.

Why? I don't know.

Guess the professor didn't like that I wrote about myself.

Girl, your professor is stupid.

That essay saved my life.

Mabel, how did you get my essay?

Oh, I put a copy of that in the waiting area to uplift my clients. Because these

heifers in here wear Cousin Ronnie out with all their drama.

And now, you're a hit.

Maya, before I read Oh, Hell Yes, I was at a low point. My boyfriend was

tripping. My husband was getting on my last nerve.

Child's ready to jump off my garage.

And my essay kept you from jumping? Oh, no, she jumped. But when she hit the

pavement, she thought, was that stupid?

Oh, hell yes.

Knock,

knock, Joan.

Oh, God, hi, Sharon.

How are you?

Oh, no, no, no, no, don't bother. You see, I've been standing here long enough

to see that you were squandering billable hours.

I'm sorry.

I just, I have something on my mind.

Yeah. Well, I'm certain it's some extremely personal matter that would

served by talking to your girlfriends on your own time.

Actually, Sharon, I'd like to talk to you.

Because I'm your girlfriend?

Um, okay.

We are so close.

So, girlfriend.

What's going on?

I've just been feeling really depressed lately.

And actually, it's ever since I was passed over for senior partner.

Not that you don't deserve it.

I feel unfulfilled.

Unfulfilled?

Joan, you work to get a check.

That's why they call it compensation. To compensate. and say you for being

unfulfilled. But it can't just be about a check.

Well, no. I mean, certainly not your check.

The fact is, you know, for me, it's about power and it's about respect.

It's about the fact, Joan, Joan, when I walk into a room, they see a partner,

they see prestige, not a...

Poor girl who spoke gull until she was 13, and who could barbecue a skunk like

nobody's business?

But back to you.

I don't know.

I just, I don't feel challenged anymore.

I mean, when I went to law school, I saw myself making a difference, changing

the world, but now it just feels like another day, another billable hour.

Well...

Girlfriend. As my wise old mentor used to say, stop your whining.

Nobody wants to hear it. And if you call my house one more time, I'm going to

get that restraining order.

God, I miss her.

I'm ordering. Joan should have been here by now.

Don't be a stupid bitch. Don't be a skank hoe.

nobody talking to you, Tommy. I'm looking for a self -affirming way to

don't be a stupid bitch.

You know, for my fans.

How's, don't be a stupid bitch, girl.

Now, you see how adding girl makes it more personal.

Friendly life.

Fans, Maya. Yeah, a couple of Ronnie's clients read my essay and found it quite

inspirational, so I feel compelled to write down my brilliance. You know, as

comes to me.

What?

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

Where have you been?

Uh, Tony.

I thought we agreed. The question was going to be, what the hell were you

thinking when you talked to Sharon today?

What? Sharon's assistant told Pete just who told me that you told Sharon that

you hate your job.

Well, then Sharon told Sweetie.

What? I talked to Sharon as a friend.

Idiot, she is not your friend. She is your boss.

You know what I think, John?

I think that you sabotaged your job just like you do all your relationships.

Damn, I'm so insightful.

I've got to write that down.

What were you thinking?

You finally messed up the one good thing you had going on in your life.

Maybe Maya's right.

Maybe I sabotaged my job on purpose. I mean, the truth is I've been unhappy for

a long time.

That's why I snapped at Lynn. I feel trapped in my job.

Joan, lots of people feel trapped in their job.

Okay, but you don't just up and quit before you've got something better to go

to. Yeah, but I dread going to work.

I hate having to kiss the asses of all these money -hungry corporate clients.

I hate having to keep track of every second of every day so that I can reach

some arbitrary number of billable hours just to earn some year -end bonus so I

can pay for a vacation that I don't even have time to take.

I hate it all. Well, do you like to eat?

Tony, I have money saved up to last me at least a year.

What are you going to do after this?

Well, I have lots of ideas.

You know how I love to remodel?

I mean, I did such a great job with Lynn's Place.

So I was thinking that I could buy houses, remodel them, and then flip them

a profit. Oh, Joan, sweetie.

The real estate market is not for the meek and the foolish.

It's for the cute and the vicious.

Well?

I could always open a tea house. There's a niche waiting to be filled.

Here's the glitch in your niche.

Everybody's drinking coffee.

Well, I have been tinkering with

a Broadway musical.

It's an adaptation of Twelfth Night set in Fresno during the gold rush.

Oh, hell.

Who am I kidding? I need to go and get my job back.

Clayton?

Oh, hello.

Can we see you in your office, Clayton?

Sure, go right in.

You know they only come in pairs when they're going to fire you.

Listen, I want you to keep your ear to the door, okay? If you hear things going

south, you run in with my letter of resignation.

That way at least I get to leave here with my dignity intact.

Honey, you just work on leaving here with some severance, okay?

Shut the door, Clayton.

Listen, um, about yesterday.

Yes, about yesterday. I heard your complaints loud and clear, and I

them with the other partner.

Mm -hmm.

We simply will not tolerate such an unhappy attorney.

With all due respect, um, I know I might have conveyed unhappy.

But what I meant to convey was blissfully employed.

John, don't backpedal.

This is what you asked for. No, our hands are tied.

We have no choice but to ask you to pack up this office and move upstairs.

You've been promoted.

Oops.

My bad.

Low blood sugar.

Any of y 'all got some horror candy?

It was my own.

Inability to communicate with my husband.

That caused me to unleash my hoe within.

But I had to forgive myself.

Okay? And at first I thought, oh, hell no.

I can't. I can't. But I lifted my head up and I said, oh, hell yes.

I can.

And I did.

So when your car has been repossessed, your medical bills are piling up. Oh,

preacher has absconded. Thank

you

very much.

Thank you. That was great.

You're wonderful. That's just great.

These women are sopping you up like a basket.

I need to stop giving my gravy away for free.

Tell yourself.

I'm telling.

They need to be buying my book.

What book? The one I'm going to start writing tonight.

Girl, ain't nobody going to pay for that.

Don't listen to her.

These women will buy anything up in this salon.

Meat, bean pies, fake purses, airline tickets.

Watch this.

Ladies, would all y 'all like to buy Maya's book?

Oh, yeah.

Hey.

Hey. Is that baby?

Are you still mad at me?

No. Then it's not a baby.

It's your old pea coat from the limited.

Found it in the last box.

I figured if you thought I was holding a baby, you wouldn't hit me.

It's all right, Lynn.

No, it's not.

Look, the girls told me about your job.

Or rather, your job loss. I'm sorry.

Getting fired sucks.

Lynn, I... But don't freak out.

Maybe it's a blessing.

Come on, Joan.

The only reason you went to law school was because you thought it was the safe

thing to do.

It wasn't what you really wanted.

Now you have another chance. Maybe you can spread your wings and find something

that you really want to do.

I know it sounds risky, but I'm telling you, Joan, take the risk.

Lynn, I didn't get fired.

I got a promotion.

Didn't see that coming.

I got a huge raise.

So now I get to travel and oversee associates, but most importantly, my

is the same size as William's.

So everything is perfect.

As long as you're happy. I am.

Then I'm happy for you.

So, can I have the peacoat? Sure.

Here. Great.

Call me when it's back in the cleaners.

Here we are.

Welcome to the 28th floor, where the coffee's Colombian, the cigars are

and the toilet paper's quilted.

Oh, come on, Joan.

This is us.

No, William.

It's you.

It's not me.

Not anymore.

Harold Clayton Esquire.

Counselor, what are you doing with that box? Aren't you here for another week?

Yeah. I was just practicing.

The box is empty.

Well, then give it here because it's my last day.

You gonna come help me with the thing?