Original subtitles

I am so sorry Mr.

Sweetleson ever asked me to chair this silent auction for the L .A. homeless

fund. Why? It's a great butt -kissing opportunity.

Not when I have to be puckered 24 -7 to get a couple donations.

Well, you know, speaking of the homeless, this homeless happy here has

next Wednesday to get the hell out of my house.

Fine. Kick me out.

I'll be living in a lap of luxury once my alimony check comes in.

What?

Who'd you marry?

Oh, yeah.

William and I were married for a minute.

What? I'm William.

William Dent? The real corner dude with the fro.

Well, see, what had happened was you were all set to run off and marry Brock,

and in the spirit of competition, William didn't want you to beat him to

altar.

But now we're divorced.

That's insane.

Does anybody else here think that's insane?

Am I the only one here who thinks that's insane? Because that is insane.

No, what's insane is that deadbeat's trying to tip me on my alimony

But once my money comes in, I'm going to rent the penthouse in Tony's building.

Damn, girl, how much are you getting?

You don't want to know.

I'll just make you want to kill Todd for the insurance money.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right. I ordered Chinese.

Oh, good.

Mm -hmm. Yeah, it was. You should order some of your credit cards by the phone.

So what is this, um, crisis?

I'm in trouble.

This auction is falling apart. I assured Mr. Sweedleston I'd raise $60 ,000 for

the auction, and I'd be lucky if I raised $600 when all I've got to auction

these four electric blankets from Sears and this clock.

Which is mine.

I thought you were lining up big ticket items. I thought so, too, but then I put

off following up with the donors until the last minute, and when I finally

followed up with them, they turned me down because I waited until the last

minute. Apparently, you can't go to the Black Ski Summit when you're planning an

auction.

Joan, I'm so disappointed in you. I know.

God, I screwed up, Toni. Damn right you did.

You went to the Black Ski Summit without me? Why?

Just because I married a white man, I can't go?

Am I not black?

Can I not sum it?

Tony, you're missing the point.

Look, I need you to help me get some high -end donations. You have

with every store on Rodeo. And don't forget the Wilshire Trifecta.

Neiman's, Barney's, and Saks.

Oh, look it.

Beverly Johnson is in town raising money for her uterine awareness campaign,

Healthy You.

What's it you for?

Uterus, Tony. Oh.

You go, girl.

Hey, what are you doing? I haven't even read that yet.

But I need this article. You know Beverly's my best friend.

Tony, you don't even know her.

But I know her in here. You know she's my idol.

Are you even listening to me?

Girl, yeah, I can multitask. Right now I'm listening to you reading the paper

and doing my kegels. Oh, and if I'm not mistaken, I think I just ovulated.

Can you get off your eggs and back onto my auction, please? What auction?

Tony, girl, I'm just playing with you. I'll get you something from Dominique

Cohen. They owe me.

Or I owe them. Either way, I'll get you something. For real.

Tony, look at me.

I need eye contact. Tony, listen.

This is really serious.

My ass is on the line here, and I need you to come through for me.

Your real best friend.

Girl, don't worry.

I got you.

I need to hear the word, Tony.

Fine, I promise to get Joan some crap from Dominique Cohen for that thing she

screwed up.

Good enough.

Together, together, that's how we must be. Living without you would only be

heartbreak. What?

Who's out there?

You know I got a gun in here.

It's your ex -wife, deadbeat.

How did you get in here? I changed the locks.

Yeah, well, next time use them.

Now, I want my money.

I want Shamrock Shadsey around, but we can't always get what we want.

Damn it, William, we had a deal.

No such deal.

You remember it now.

That's a low -flow toilet.

on bakeme .com.

Give me that camera. Give me my check.

Give me that camera. Give me my check.

Your mama.

Your mama.

Damn you, man.

That one's for me.

Okay, guys.

Electronics over here and gift baskets and gift certificates on the coffee

and objet d 'art by the fireplace.

What about this lunch with Vanna White?

Put that aside. I want that.

When do you like Vanna White? Vanna has always been a personal hero of mine.

Maya, she's a prop.

She's a fly as a fox prop.

Any woman who can get over that long by flipping some letters swapped and

sequenced, I gotta meet.

Can I get the lunch for $20?

All right, ladies.

I've got the item that's gonna set this silent auction on fire. Now take a

gander, but no grabbing.

An original Barry Mandelow picture disc, circa 1979, actually signed by the bare

man himself.

Where'd you find that? At home with my other two.

Oh, my God!

Blue octagon!

This is the companion piece to Red Triangle. I thought it was just a myth,

it really exists.

What's Red Triangle? You know, the painting that you got me.

This is no coincidence.

I've got to have it. You've got to have everything, don't you? You greedy, blood

-sucking little strumpet. Correction.

Greedy, blood -sucking rich strumpet.

Okay, guys. Hi. Listen. Yeah. We cannot take items for ourselves.

If we want something, we have to bid on it, like everybody else. Remember, it's

for the homeless. Well, you might want to be thinking about the jobless,

according to my preliminary tally, you're nowhere near Mrs. Peterson's $60

goal. Give me that clipboard.

Joan Clayton.

It's command central.

Now, everything is going to be fine once Tony gets here because she's got her

contribution from Dominique Cohen.

Don't worry, Joan. If needed, I'm prepared to part with my mint condition.

It's her lunch box.

With a Tia Thermos and Tamara Sandwich Keeper.

That woman hasn't died yet?

Don't worry, Liam.

Tony's here. I'm waiting on that property.

Well, just...

Just call me back when you got something.

Oh, so what's going on? So, Tony, what you got?

Oh, a massive headache.

I've spent all day in the glaring sun scaring the city for Beverly Johnson.

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear my supermodel role model was hiding from

me. No, Tony, what have you got from Dominique Cohen?

Oh, this bracelet and this ring, but I'm happy.

Tony, did you or did you not promise me a contribution from Dominique Cohen?

Well, if you don't know, how am I supposed to remember?

Tony, I told you my ass was on the line. Okay.

When is this little auction thing anyway?

Tomorrow. Oh, and Dominique Cohen is closed. I was just there. You want to go

with plan B?

Not till tomorrow.

Tony, you were my plan B. Oh, thank you.

Oh, so it's my fault you have no contingency?

That's not like you, Joan. I'm very surprised. And dare I say disappointed?

You're disappointed?

The whole auction is about... Hold that thought.

Hi, Tony Charles Garrett.

What? Where?

If he tries to leave, stop her.

I don't care how you do it. Just do it.

Okay. Okay, everybody.

I've got to go. That was a valet from the Peninsula Hotel.

The Nubian Eagle has landed. What are you talking about?

Beverly's at the Peninsula.

Haven't you been listening to anything I've been saying for the last few days?

Oh, you people.

Tony. Tony.

God, she gets on my nerves.

Please, this is just typical Tony.

Self -absorbed and clueless.

No, she has sunk to new lows of self -centeredness and bad friendship -ness.

She has completely screwed me over. I don't know why you're acting all

surprised. You know the child is trifling. I don't even know why I'm

with her. You've reached into the class.

Frankly, Joan, I would have encouraged you to cut her loose years ago. If I'd

been waiting for you to rip each other's clothes off in a fit of pique.

Come on, we all know that Tony is deeply insecure.

So she's manufactured this callous front to mask the fact that on the inside,

there's nothing there.

Gee, anybody living with delusions that grand is in constant pain.

No.

She's a painful bitch.

And I'm tired of that bitch.

And I sometimes wish that bitch was out of my life.

And the bitch is standing right behind me, isn't she?

Tony, I... No, no, no, no, no.

You've all spoken.

How about I speak?

All of you jealous, ugly bitches can kiss my fabulous, very perky black ass.

yes, William, today, you're one of those bitches.

Love, geek.

Now let's go rip her clothes off.

Well, I was thinking balls and galas have been done to death.

How about something like a Moroccan bazaar?

Beverly! Girl, I've been all over town looking for you.

You want slip sliding and hiding, diva, I tell you that.

I'm sorry.

Do I know you? Only in spirit, but in person we haven't had the pleasure. Tony

Child Garrett.

So anyway, girl, this meeting was destined for Sister Mace.

I read your book 40 times, and except for the fact that you grew up in Buffalo

and I grew up in Fresno, we're the same person.

We both knew we were fabulous amongst the meaningless and the overweight.

Do you mind? I'm trying to plan a charity function. Oh, something else we

in common. I'm very charity -minded. I'd be more than happy to help you out. You

know, I do have a hookup at Dominique Cohen.

Call security.

No, no, no, no, Beverly, don't do me like that.

I'm not crazy.

I'm just like you.

Are you now?

Yeah. See, um, my friends don't know what it's like to walk in my shoes.

I'm sure your friends don't know what it's like to walk in yours.

You went from rags to riches.

I went from rags to riches.

You're about uterine health, and I have a healthy uterus.

Oh, and people are jealous of you, Beverly. People are jealous of me. And

know why?

Because they don't know us on the inside.

But, Beverly, we know each other on the inside.

And together...

We could have a global impact.

But if nothing else, we could just be best friends. It just so happens I have

opening.

You and me, girl.

What did you say your name was again?

Oh, Tony.

Tony.

Tony, dear.

Obviously, you're in a lot of pain.

And I have a very good friend who works wonders with schizophrenics.

I'm going to give you her card, and I strongly suggest you use it.

Good luck.

Now you can call security. What?

Come on, people.

We've still got a ways to go before we reach our goal of $60 ,000. So open your

wallet.

college funds.

Sell your organs.

Sell your kids' organs.

Remember, it's for the homeless.

Maya, sweetie, I need your help.

I'm in a panic. You're in a panic.

Some fool named Jay Carter keeps trying to jack my lunch with Ben away.

I keep raising my bid by 50 cents, but apparently money is no object for this

Carter character.

Whoa. What's the bid at?

$17 .50. But you know what? I came here with a pocket full of laundry quarters

and a determination to win, and I'll go up to $25 if I have to.

Yeah, I know you're in a bind.

Make it $25 .50.

Hey, Maya, I got to run to the bathroom. Could you keep your eye on Blue Octagon

for me? I don't want anyone to outbid me.

Lynn, I did not come here to work security, okay? I came here to help

money for the homeless and to get my lunch at Vanna.

Please, Maya. Look, I'll give you $50 towards Vanna.

$50? Are you sure?

please. What's 50? I'm living high on the hog.

Okay. Hey, hog.

Hey, William, find anything yet?

Out of my way, woman. I am in a bidding frenzy. I just dropped $1 ,000 for a

ride on the Enterprise.

That's right, Star Trek.

Get to go on the set and sit in the very seat that Captain Kirk sat in.

Oh. This does not say ride on the Enterprise. It says ride with

You just made a bid on a carbonyl from Enterprise, you idiot. What?

Hello, I have an announcement.

Bidding is scheduled to close in about two minutes, but what the hell?

This party's just getting started.

So, um, we'll be bidding until dawn or until we meet our goal of $60 ,000. It's

up to you.

This isn't a museum, lady. Write something down.

So you must be Jay Carter.

You look at me.

Oh, my God.

President Jimmy Carter. What an honor.

I had no idea. I mean, I knew you were very much involved in charity work, but

didn't think you'd actually be here.

I'm a lifelong Democrat and Baptist. Hallelujah.

I admire you and all that you stand for.

But, and I do.

Say this with all due respect, okay? You need to back your Georgia peanut

-growing ass up off my lunch with Adam White. Get off.

Hey, President Carter!

So, how's it going?

Great. In about a minute, Blue Octagon will be all mine.

Pretty important to you, isn't it?

Oh, William, you know, Red Triangle spoke to who I was, but Blue Octagon

to who I want to be.

multifaceted, ironic, blue at the core?

Well, if it speaks to you, you're going to have to beat this.

Wayne, what are you doing? In order to beat that, I'd have to... Use your

alimony settlement.

The choice is yours.

You can either give up your riches or the painting that speaks to your soul.

What's that?

I think it's talking to me.

What are you saying?

It's saying bye -bye, Lynn.

Oh, you bastard. I will not let you have that painting.

Fine. You win.

I'll just have to console myself with the knowledge that once again you are

penniless and homeless.

No one messes with William Dent, you troll.

Well, Joan, I don't know where I'm going to be sleeping tonight, but I got you

off the gun.

And you paid this much?

Lynn, what are you, nuts?

I mean, I mean, thank you.

And you're not staying at my house.

The auction's over.

Unlock the doors.

Oh, here you go.

Wonderful. Thank you.

Oh, Tony, what are you doing here?

Joan, I brought the bracelet that you wanted for the auction.

It's huge and about five seconds off my wrist, but it's Dominique Cohen.

It's all right, Tony. You can keep your bracelet. I met my goal.

Joan, we have to talk.

I know, Tony.

You're sorry.

I'm sorry.

Everybody's sorry.

But I'm really sorry.

No. No, I messed up the auction.

I didn't do my job, and I expected you to fix it.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I've never been able to rely on you. I don't know why.

I thought this time would be different.

You don't know how to be there for anybody but yourself.

Am I really that bad?

Tony.

Honey.

You can't really be that oblivious.

Beverly Johnson says I'm a schizophrenic.

Come on. She doesn't know you.

Sweetie, you're not schizophrenic. Oh, thank you. You suffer from a profound

narcissistic personality disorder.

So, basically, I'm here because Beverly Johnson sent me.

So, how do you know Beverly?

I believe we're here to talk about you. So talk. Ask me questions.

What brought you here?

I just told you. Beverly Johnson sent me.

Let's start with what are you afraid of?

Oh, I'm afraid of cats, terrorist attacks. Ooh, gain in weight.

I'm afraid my father will die first and my mother will move in with me.

Oh, I'm afraid that Neiman's will have one of those one -hour -everything -must

-go sales.

I'll be sitting here with you.

Look, we could go out for tea and make pleasant girl talk, or we could try and

accomplish something here.

Okay, but if we have that tea, we cannot go to the peninsula because I'm banned

there for 18 months.

Okay.

What was the question?

What are you afraid of?

I don't know, nothing. I'll fight anybody.

Okay.

Tell me about your life. Where are you from?

What do you do?

I am a real estate agent.

I passed the exam my first time, so I'm not only gorgeous, I'm brilliant.

I'm married.

I was born on a farm in Fresno. I have three brothers, three sisters.

My parents are still together.

And I moved to L .A. with my best friend.

I'm afraid that when I die, I won't be mad.

Oh, I'm Lynn.

It's Wednesday.

You're out.

Open the door. I got my own apartment.

How'd you manage that? I thought you blew all your alimony on a whack -ass

octagon.

Well, when one door closes, another one opens.

Oh, well, good, just as long as you understand that my door's the one that

closed. Bye.

I know that.

I worked out a sweet deal with the apartment next door.

That's the manager's apartment.

Yes, it is, and I'm your new manager. But your rent's three days late, so I

suggest you come up with the cash.

I'd hate to put you and yours out on the street.

I've been there.

Not pretty.