Original subtitles

Mama, I want you to meet my fiancée.

Tyra Banks, I want you to meet my mama, who just turned into Chief Justice

William H. Rehnquist.

Hi, Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist.

Okay.

Bill.

So, Bill, are you ready to marry me and Tyra Banks?

What?

What do you mean? Of course I can marry Tyra Banks.

Why can't I marry Tyra Banks?

Oh, my God, no!

Chief Justice Bill is right.

I'm still married to Lynn.

You know, I could still have an affair with Tyra Banks.

You made the right decision.

Excuse me?

You made the right decision.

Oh, the shoes?

Yeah.

Well, I was going to buy them in black. Not the shoes.

The man.

What? There was a man in your life. You had a decision to make.

It was a difficult decision for you. More difficult even than the shoes.

But you made the right decision.

So you're what? A psychic?

My name is Peter, and I have been called a great many things.

Psychic, prophet, fortune teller.

But those whom I have helped with my visions refer to me as Pete.

So you made a guess that I made a decision about a man recently. Big deal.

Many women, I'm sure, make decisions about men, and it was a...

It was a pretty safe guess.

I'm sorry. I've got to be going.

Suit yourself, Joan.

How did you know that my name was Joan?

It was amazing.

He knew all about me and Brock and what I've been going through. Yeah, whatever.

What did he say about me?

You didn't exactly come up, honey.

Well, then he's bogus.

A real psychic wouldn't have missed the most important person in your life.

Wait a minute. Come to think of it, he did predict that at precisely 8 .43, I

would be annoyed by an egomaniac.

Oh, yeah?

What, did he tell you at 8 .44 that I'd say yo mama?

I didn't mention that.

Okay, you know what, Joan? You need to stay away from this man.

You think he's a fraud? Oh, he could be.

Girl, he could be a flim -flam artist trying to flim and flam you.

How much did he take you for?

20? 30?

10? Oh, honey, he don't know nothing about Fleming and Fleming.

Well, if he's a con man, then how did he know my name? Joan, would you wake up

and smell the scam?

We walk down that street all the time. Maybe we walked past him once and didn't

even notice him. But he heard me say to you, what's up, Joan?

She is loud.

You guys, come on. He knew things about me and Brock and about how I wanted

things that Brock didn't want.

And how painful it was to let him go.

And how deep down I have been wondering if I made the right decision. Now, how

would he know all of that if he didn't have a special power?

Okay, then, let me just think.

Who do we know who has special power?

Oh, my dear God, I got it. The devil!

Len.

Something occurred to me last night.

Something we forgot to take care of.

You have any idea where I'm going with this?

No, not really.

Really?

You have no idea where I'm heading with this, Mrs. Dent?

Nope, no idea.

Damn it, Lynn, we're still married.

Well, duh.

Hey, how fast go?

Lynn, I need you to sign these annulment papers.

Now, why ruin a good thing?

Lynn, if I'm married to you, how can I ever hope to marry Tyra Banks?

You had that dream again?

Yes.

Did Rehn crucifixiate? No.

He couldn't this time because I'm married to you.

And his commitment to the law is so profound that even in my dreams he

overcome his strict constructionist principles and overturn the bigamy laws.

Lynn? Lynn! Oh, sorry. Sometimes it's hard for me to realize when you stop

talking because, you know, I'm not listening.

Let's see. What looks good?

An annulment.

Sign it.

Okay, William, I have to tell you that your marrying Tyra Banks is not going to

happen. Whereas me getting my impacted wisdom teeth extracted, that's something

that could happen. What are you talking about?

Darling, our comprehensive health insurance plan.

Now, I may look healthy, but I have a number of serious ailments that need

immediate attention. My turf toe, my wart, and I need my weekly massage.

Len, my insurance is not going to pay for your massage.

They do if you call it dialysis.

But what about me? I mean, what if I really met someone?

You mean while you're awake?

You know what? You're right.

Look at my life.

Yvonne, Monica, and Sharon. One disaster after the next. You know what? Stay

married to me.

Abuse my insurance. What difference does it make?

It's hopeless.

I'm destined to be alone.

There you go, William. That's the spirit.

What?

Okay.

William, are those mittens?

Don't be crazy.

Mittens are for children and naughty kittens.

These are mantens.

What's the difference between mittens and mantens?

Well, mantens are for men.

If you'll excuse me, I've got to go have a word with an unscrupulous

haberdasher.

Mantens. You'd think he'd learn his lesson after the Pajamana scarf.

As talented as he is, you've got to wonder if he's ever going to find

As much as I'd love to help the lonely and the lovelorn, you know I do, Joan.

I have bigger fish to fry. Where's this Nostradamus of yours?

I have some questions to ask him.

I don't know.

I saw him on the street.

I don't know what his regular office hours are. Well, maybe I just need to

summon him up.

Oh, witch!

Present yourself.

I guess I'm inspired.

But I guess I have some sort of power because, look, I just conjured up Brock.

What?

Sweetie, call me, okay?

Brock?

Joan. Hi.

Oh, hi.

Who's this?

My beautiful niece, Katie.

Katie, this is Joan.

Hi, Katie.

Nice to meet you, Katie.

What do you say?

Hi. Hi.

She's a little shy.

Wow.

How are you?

I'm good.

I mean, it's been hard.

Sometimes I really...

I'm good.

How are you?

Not over you.

Rock, we... I know, I know, I know.

Come on.

I promised her some ice cream, so... Nice seeing you.

Yeah, you too.

We better go.

Come on, sweetie.

Say bye.

Bye. Bye.

She's right in front of you.

Excuse me?

You're talking to me?

The woman you seek.

She's right in front of you.

Really?

What do you know about what I seek?

I know a great many things.

Yeah?

You ever heard of man -tens?

I still love him.

And he still loves me. Anyone could see it. What happened to you being at peace

with your decision?

Because some guy on the street said I made the right decision?

What does he know?

When I saw Brock today, it just... It felt so right.

Joan, I think you should get back with Brock. You should always do the opposite

of whatever the devil tells you to do. Like when you wouldn't let me go work

William at first, and the devil told me to kill you.

Well, I did the opposite, and I didn't kill you. Well, you see how great that's

worked out.

The devil told you to kill me?

But on the other hand... Girl, what about Brock not wanting kids?

Maybe it's enough to be married with no kids.

I mean, Brock always said that we would have kids in our lives, and you should

have seen him with his niece today.

God, they were... They were the perfect picture.

The only thing missing was me.

Oh.

Why didn't I kill you?

Maybe we should just be together for a while and see what happens. I mean, I'm

still young.

I don't have to worry about having kids right now.

I mean, yeah.

On the one hand, the psychic said I made the right decision, but yet on the

other hand, fate led me to run into Brock.

Fate jumped psychic, right?

Brock, hey, it's Joan.

I was wondering if you wanted to go to lunch.

Call me.

Bye.

Lynn, have you ever considered the possibility that what you seek is right

front of you?

Well, let me see.

Yep, there it is, right in front of me.

Look, I know we got married for all the wrong reasons, but what if on some level

we got married for a right reason?

You're damn right we did. The doctor I saw this morning removed enough wax from

my ears to make a candle.

As much as I'd like to focus in on that delightful image, I was referring to the

part... What are you doing?

I got a little piece of cherry stuck in my teeth.

I'm sorry, you were saying?

Oh, um, well, I was saying this man stopped me on the street today, and he

the strangest thing.

He said that I should...

He said that I... What he said was... You know what?

Never mind.

All right, my hands are still a little cold. Oh, whoa, whoa.

You weren't kidding.

So, you're still happy with the birth control?

God, not really, considering my current method's not getting any.

Although, um...

I think I'll be getting back together with my ex. Oh, good. I'm glad to hear

that, because I know you want kids.

Not to put any pressure on you or anything, but you did make me promise to

that talk with you when the time came. No, Dr. Myers, not the talk.

Yes.

Time for the talk.

Right, right.

But I'm only 32.

I mean, I have plenty of time to have kids.

The fact is, Joan, when a woman gets pregnant after 35, the risk of having a

baby with chromosomal abnormalities such as Down syndrome, Turner syndrome,

greatly increases. And that's assuming the baby is even born, because then the

risk of miscarriage also greatly increases. And that's assuming that

able to conceive, because then the rate of infertility also greatly increases.

But... But,

Dr. Myers, I'm only 32.

Yes. I know you all think you've got all the time in the world.

And yes, there are many women in their late 30s and their 40s who have healthy

babies. But I can't tell you how many patients I have who wait to get pregnant

and think that it's not going to be an issue and then there's a problem. And

they say to me, why didn't somebody tell me?

So I'm telling you.

If you want to have kids, it's time to start on a path of getting pregnant in

the next few years.

Okay.

Everything looks good so far. You ready for that rectal?

At this point, wouldn't that be redundant?

He told you to give it to Lynn.

That's crazy.

Well, at the time, there seemed to be a logic to pursuing it, you know?

Oh, look.

Look, look, look.

There he is. Oh, so that's the devil man.

Well, I don't know if I call him the devil man, but...

Yeah, that's a devil man.

All right, William, hold my purse.

I'm about to go over there and rebuke him.

Let's go slow, Maya. Let's not fight crazy with crazy.

Hi.

You're the one going around telling people all kinds of bull. They don't

be here.

You're full of a great deal of negativity.

Oh, hell no.

See what I'm saying? Excuse me.

You,

sir, are charlatan.

A mountebank, a scoundrel, and a knave.

Sorry I had to use that harsh language on you.

But you hurt me.

You won't know real hurt until 2006.

But I digress. Wait a minute. What happens in 2006? Relax. It'll be quick.

Now, what are you bitching about?

Oh, well, don't you know, Mr. Devil Psychic Man?

Is that how you get off, huh?

By going around preying on lonely, obviously desperate men?

Sending us running to Lynn?

I have a good mind to call the psychic hotline and register a complaint.

No, you're good.

But you won't.

Damn, you're good!

Clearly there's been a misunderstanding.

Usually when I impart my visions, I try to make them sound a little mysterious.

It enhances the effect.

But I can see that I'm going to have to be absolutely clear in this case.

I did not send you running to live.

When I said, she's right in front of you.

She's right in front of you.

Just so we're absolutely clear, we're talking about the woman in the green

about to turn the corner?

That's right.

She's cute.

Okay, thanks.

You're just making this all up as you go along, aren't you?

30 years from now?

Don't get on the hovercraft.

Mind if I sit here?

Sure. Thank you. Thank you.

It's a nice day, huh?

Mm -hmm.

Nice day.

I'm William.

Look, I don't talk to strangers, okay?

That's a wise policy.

Although it's a bit of a catch -22. I mean, the only way for someone not to be

stranger is to get to know them.

Yet if you never talk to strangers, how can you ever get to know anyone?

Yeah, whatever.

Ah, good point.

I can see you have a keen mind for debate.

Sorry.

I'm not interested.

But I'm a nice guy.

Says you.

You could be crazy or abusive or married.

I give you my word, I am not crazy or abusive or crazy.

All right, then.

It's nice talking to you.

See you around.

Lynn, I need you to sign me the moment, Peter.

Oh, my God, William.

When do you wear glasses?

I went to the doctor to find out why my left hand's been getting all blurry.

Turns out the problem isn't my left hand. It's my left eye.

Isn't modern medicine amazing?

That's great.

But I can't be married to you anymore.

What? It's because there were glasses?

Jesus, I get LASIK next week.

My insurance is not going to cover LASIK.

Maybe if you call a brain surgeon.

Whatever, Lynn. I met somebody.

What? You've been cheating on me?

Lynn.

Okay.

Fine. You met someone.

What's her name?

I don't know.

But aren't you dating her?

Well, not exactly. I freaked her out and she ran away.

But I intend on finding her.

And trying again.

And even if she's not the one, I have renewed faith that I will find the one.

And if I'm going to do that, I can't be married.

Especially to some toothpick and four eyes.

Okay, I can respect that.

But I'm not going to bow out without protecting myself.

What's the name of that guy you mentioned to me, supposed to be like the

cutthroat divorce attorney in L .A.? Leo Postranet.

When did I ever mention him to you? Just now.

You're going down, buddy.

It's me.

You're not coming, are you?

I'm sorry.

Joan, it's just lunch.

No.

It's not just lunch.

Brock.

My gynecologist told me that I have to start thinking about the future.

I have to move on.

Wait. Your gynecologist told you not to see me.

She was validating what my psychic said.

Are you kidding me?

Well, I mean, he's not just my psychic.

Okay.

Goodbye.

You made the right decision.

You made the right decision.

You made the right decision.

She's right in front of you.

You made the right decision.