Original subtitles

good people, let's start rehearsal.

We don't want the Larchmont carolers to hit the caroling circuit all willy

-nilly. No, we do not.

Now, for those of you who are wondering why you have small parts, it's because

you can't sing.

But we all have small parts except for you.

Yes, exactly.

And 12 Days of Christmas. Okay.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a pie.

Brighten the note, Maya, and tell me, smile, smile.

Wonderful.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gets to meet me. Oh, two

turtledoves. And Maya.

And a partridge in a pear.

Stop.

This is not showtime at the Apollo, sweetie. No, it's not.

Oh, my God.

Brighten the note, Maya.

It's the tip of the tongue and the edge of the lip. The tip of the tongue and

the edge of the lip.

How about I take the tip of my shoe and put it up the lip of your ass?

Sweetheart, if that would make you sing any better, I would gladly bend over.

getting together and caroling and then convening back at my place for a little

waffling afterward.

Now, Jalen, are you a baritone, a tenor, or a bass? Uh, yeah, no, Joan, I don't

know. I'm guessing baritone.

Let's find out. Charlie, give it to me.

Uh... Come on, one more.

Uh... Uh... Uh... Jump, jump, jump, jump.

Stop harassing my guest and go find yourself a man.

I don't need a man.

Sweetie, I have something better.

I have holiday.

Thank you, Maya, because your girl's a little intense. Mm -hmm, and so are them

toenails.

Jayla, you cannot roll up into my Christmas party wearing flip -flops.

trying to have a Merry Christmas, not a scary Christmas.

Speaking of scary, what's up with that big -ass tree?

Okay, when I was with Darnell, he would never let me get a big tree.

I ain't got Darnell.

I got me a treat.

So you chose the one from Rockefeller Center? Well, what was I supposed to do?

It was just sitting there.

Yes? Maya, do you have any pruning shears? I got to go to the bathroom and

can't get around a tree.

Just climb to the window out back like everybody else.

Good party, girl.

I especially like these beanie weenies.

And those are not from a can. Those are from scratch.

And because Harumi is a vegetarian, she used soy dogs.

No, I didn't.

Excuse me, I've got to go. I'm back.

Oh, hell no.

Darnell brought that heifer with him? I invited the heifer. So now we like the

heifer? Yes, I'm embracing the heifer.

Excuse me.

Merry Christmas, baby.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Darnell. Merry Christmas.

Wow,

that's some tree.

Yeah, did you bring an ornament for it?

Oh, hang on. Let me get a hubcap off my car.

we brought these for you. I hope you like them.

Thank you.

Lena? Well, thank you for inviting me.

Oh, you're welcome. And, uh, Merry Christmas.

Okay,

so it's the awkwardness over because I've been waiting all day to get to your

green. Boy, knock yourself out. Thank you.

Jornell.

Jornell. Merry Christmas.

Mm -hmm.

Ladies, that's what you call personal growth.

Okay, you might want to try it in your own life.

And that's called get a room. Damn.

What you going to embrace in that mind?

You want a big one?

Hey.

Are these better?

Some socks would help.

Kiss me. I'll explain later and I'll use a little tongue, okay? Make it good.

Whoa, okay.

Whoa.

No, too much time, okay? Thanks.

Shut up.

Oh, yeah, Mom, I forgot to tell you.

Mina got me a GameCube for Christmas. For three games.

Did she now?

What? I said thank you.

I'll talk to your aunties.

Merry Christmas, Juwanna man.

It's Jabari.

Honey, it's Christmas.

I thought he was in private school.

Hi. Can I speak to the two of you outside?

Now. Thanks.

Hey, everybody, I cleared a path to the bathroom.

What are you doing back there?

I got lost in the forest.

But if you're going in, be careful.

There's a bear back there.

What's going on, Maya?

What's going on, Darnell, is we agreed that Jabari would not be getting a

GameCube. If I'd known she was getting the game, I would have stopped her.

Well, apparently the problem is that you and your little girlfriend here don't

know how to communicate. Okay, so you need to tell Ms. Thing that... Ms. Thing

is standing here, Maya. Interrupting me.

You need to calm down. No, no, no, I don't need to calm down. Listen, if the

of you are going to continue to be a couple around my son, you need to learn

to communicate the important details of my child's well -being. Because if you

had, she would know that Jabari is having trouble in school. And until

begins listening to his teachers, Jabari does not get what? Oh, my goodness, a

GameCube.

You're right.

We should have talked about it.

But what's done is done. Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'll just take it back.

Take it back.

That'll break his heart.

Okay? And he'll always remember this Christmas as the Christmas his mean old

mama took his happiness away.

But then again, if that's what you want, Carlina, move on in, be his nice,

sweet, game -keep -giving mom.

I don't have to take this.

I'm going to meet you in the car. Bye.

Maya, I can't believe you.

All this... Because you can't stand seeing me with another woman.

Oh, my God, Darnell, please.

Don't nobody want you. Okay, this is about Jabari. All right, I have a man.

Jalen is my man. Dude with the rusty ankles.

Yes, Darnell, Jalen and I are intimate.

Woman, you crazy.

That is not your boyfriend.

Up on a house top reindeer paw.

little one's Christmas joy.

Ho, ho, ho.

Who wouldn't go?

Ho, ho, ho.

Who wouldn't go up on the housetop? Click, click, click.

Down to the chimney with old St.

Nick. Okay, stop.

I heard one ho and three clicks.

Which one of you hoes clicked?

I was trying to get an accent. Okay, cool.

Now, obviously, some of us have lost our Christmas spirit.

So why don't we just take a mulled cider break and regroup in five?

Damn you, Maya. I was in the groove.

Hark ye herald angels.

Now, I was going to wait until the dress rehearsal to bring these out, but it

seems like we have a little Christmas cheer emergency, so hello.

Hi.

I have rented 19th century.

Traditional Dickensian attire. Yes, that's right. From a Christmas carol.

know, Bob Cratchit, Tiny Tim, Joe.

It was 80 degrees yesterday, okay? I am not walking around in that stupid getup.

Your attitude is less than joyous.

Not to mention the fact that you refuse to think of the arrangement of the song

and your key is slipshod at best. Perhaps you need to rethink your

the Larchmont carolers.

Let me do that at home, okay? Bye.

Maya! No, I'm done!

Thank you, Joan.

That's one hoe I'm glad to see go.

No, I'm telling.

Right.

Maya. Maya. What?

Not what you think.

I don't need to tell Darnell what I think. I just need to tell him what I

You know what?

Darnell and I are probably going to break up anyway.

Tell him.

I mean, what, you said it yourself, right? We don't communicate.

No, we don't.

I mean, he doesn't even tell me how he feels. What man does?

Lena Darnell's a good guy.

Don't cheat on him.

Well, if he's so good, why aren't you two still together?

Because I cheated on him.

Look, we grew apart.

People do that.

Well, maybe that's what we're doing.

Lena,

look.

If you're gonna break up with him, can you at least wait until after the

holidays? You know, I broke up with him in eighth grade during Kwanzaa, and he

never got over it.

January's his birthday, so, you know, girl, that's not good.

And, well, you can't dump him in February, because that's Valentine's

don't even think about messing with him during March Madness.

He's already on the edge.

April is the month of his mom. Okay, he is a good guy.

But how do I get through to him?

Lena, I know that Darnell can be a bit controlling.

Okay, but you have to tell him how you feel. Be direct.

I mean, don't get your needs met by running around behind his back.

I mean, that's what I did, and I ended up with a stalker.

Girl, if you ask me, what brother man you with over there?

Looks a little shifty.

If I were you, I'd grab my purse and I'd get the hell out of here.

Steps to hold with bowels of holly.

And turn.

Tis the season to be jolly. Fa -la -la -la -la, la -la -la -la. And turn.

Now, Lynn, Tony, it's very important that you turn on the right beat. If not,

you miss the musical punctuation and the visual effect. Are we clear? Good. Now,

hit it.

Troll the ancient Yuletide carol.

To your wanton disregard for my choreography, where was the turn?

Does anyone around here possess the energetic cheeriness of Christmas

me? I do.

I do.

And that doesn't go unnoticed. We'll save that next time. Sorry.

Now, let's try this again.

Oh, sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

You've done what Todd couldn't. You converted me.

Now I'm a Jew.

I'm just going to go on home to my husband and Hanukkah and spin the ladle.

It's dreidel.

Whatever. I quit.

Shalom Aleichem.

No, it's fine.

We don't need her.

Now, Lynn, you're going to have to sing her part.

The only thing I have to do is put these cookies in my purse.

You need to ride with Tony. Tony! Wait up!

If I hadn't rehearsed all of their parts.

Eight maids a -milking.

Click, click, click, click.

God rest ye merry, gentlemen.

Fa la la la la.

in Jabari's room real quick.

Wait a minute. This was supposed to be real quick. And I've already been here

for three hours.

Look, Jabari already has a daddy. Why don't you ask him to paint it?

Because we're not together anymore. You know that. Plus, I don't need him over

here any more than he needs to be.

Yeah, right.

Excuse me? What are you trying to say?

I'm saying that you are not over him.

I mean, at least that's what it looks like to me.

Well, when you have that much history, it's never really over.

Oh, look, the next time you want to make him jealous, you know where I'm being.

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, what's up, Darren?

It's Darnell.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Darnell.

Your friend is funny.

Where's your brother?

He's playing at Armandi's. You know, here's his stuff.

He already ate at my mom's. Okay. You know, feeding my child isn't too

controlling, is it?

What? Well, that's what you told Lena, right?

That Darnell is too controlling.

Is that what she said?

Yeah. We took your advice. You know, we started communicating.

Oh, I don't believe it.

I don't believe it either.

What'd you do, hunt it down so you could throw salt in my game?

You just can't stand to see me happy, how am I?

I'm happier.

Happier than I've been in years. Oh, well, you know what, Donnell? You might

want to take a break from smiling and ask your girlfriend how happy she is.

What?

Forget it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, play it, play it. That is

okay. You just enjoy your happiness.

At least till April.

Oh, there you go, talking outside of your neck again, just saying something

be saying something, just like you was running your mouth to Lena. Okay, you

know what? Look.

I was trying to spare your little feelings, okay? But the only reason I

anything to Lena is because I caught her all hugged up in Blue Bar with another

man.

Yeah. While you were at home being all happy.

She was out cheating on you.

Where are we on the happy meter now?

You know what?

You're sick.

The things you come up with.

Sick.

You need to just let me go.

You want me to let you go?

You're gone.

I'm through with you.

Oh, I've been through with you. Whatever.

Whatever.

You gonna be here tomorrow to help set up Jabari's computer?

Living cool with you? Yeah, it's fine. Don't be late.

Big -ass tree.

Comfort and joy.

Oh!

William, what a great idea. We can spread joy to the hearing impaired, too.

Then why?

and work it out with Lena.

Good for you?

So sorry.

For what, Donald?

You know this is hard for me. What's hard for you?

All right.

She was down there with some dude.

Do I really drive you all the way?

Well, I ain't living here single for my health.

Whatever.

Could you hand me that cable there, please?

You're a good man, Darnell.

You are.

You know, I couldn't have prayed for a better father for Jabari.

You know, but you are not a 17 -year -old father anymore.

It's not you against the world.

You know, I mean, you don't have to figure it all out by yourself.

You know, there was a time when I used to think that you were controlling.

But maybe you just love too hard.

You know, you try to protect people you love from life when you need to just let

them live it with you.

Thanks.

Good looking out.

You know I got your back.

At least until I remarry.

I'm going to work on changing.

Okay.

But there's one thing that's never going to change. What?

That's still a big -ass tree. No, I...

I don't want heart soap and sleigh. Oh, the fields we go.

Laughing all the way.

Bells on bobtails ring.

Making spirits bright.