Original subtitles

All right. The lavender alert. The lesbians have landed.

What? My sister and Kira have arrived, and I need you to throw the lesbians a

baby shower.

Oh, my goodness. I would be happy to.

But, William, you've got to stop calling them the lesbians.

Just call them what they are. Your sister and her... girlmate.

See? Even you don't know what to call the lesbians.

You want to be politically correct.

The common parlance is partner.

Oh, partner sounds so law firm -ish. How about lover?

Oh, no. Lover makes me think of my extensive pornography collection.

Cool.

See, now instead of thinking about a lesbian baby shower, I'm thinking of

lesbians in a shower.

Okay, wherever they are, what are they calling each other? Well, one's called

-me, and the other's called right there.

Girlfriend. My girlfriend.

Yeah, for anything.

My girlfriend.

All right, lightning round. My name is Joan, and at the baby store, I'm going

buy some jammies.

Ooh, ooh.

My name is...

and I'm gonna buy the baby some milk.

My name is Kira and I'm gonna buy our baby a cake.

Uh, my name is Lynn and I'm gonna buy the baby some lingerie.

Sorry, wrong party.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not playing.

Come on, Lynn. It's a party game.

Oh, well, excuse me for confusing it with slow torture.

Linda, listen up.

Hey. Forgive my sister, everybody. She's always been such a gloomy girl.

All right, fine, fine.

Linda, learning toy.

Thank you for bringing the game to such a joyous climax.

Let's try another game. Like, okay, taste the baby food. Oh, oh, pin the

on the baby. Oh, my God.

My water just broke.

Okay, I'm not familiar with that game, but it sounds a little messy.

The water just broke.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All right, no, Joan, Joan, don't panic.

Yeah, but my couch. Oh, my God.

I don't think I'm ready for this. Honey, honey, I'm right here. Okay, look here,

don't be scared. You know, as the only mother here, I know exactly what you're

going through. When I was pregnant with Jabari, honey, I was three centimeters

dilated walking around Magic Mountain on grad night, okay?

Well, I'm not going to be fine. The woman's water just broke. I want to get

to the hospital.

Well, I believe we told you that we're going to have this baby at home with a

midwife and a birthing pool. And I believe I told you if there's

it's much safer to be in a hospital.

Well, yes, you did express your concerns, but we never said we changed

minds. Damn it, Linda, that's just like you. You're so hard -headed, and you

never listen to anybody.

William, you're right. I'm not listening to you.

Well, I'm telling Mama.

You can also tell her we're going to have the baby at home with a midwife.

there's the fly in your ointment. You're staying at my home, and I don't condone

that. Fine. Then we'll just have the baby here.

Here?

But my house don't know nothing about birthing no babies.

Uh -oh.

Hold up, little knuckles.

Slow your knock.

I forgot to approve the gift. What did we get him?

Oh, uh -uh.

We can't be walking in with some of your gym socks.

Baby booties, Tony.

Oh. Gucci?

Fendi?

Prada? Target?

When I said put five on it, I meant 500.

Are you out of your mind? It's a baby gift. Look, Todd, sweetie, people rely

Tony Charles Garrett to bring fabulousness into their drab lives.

So, as my consort, you need to get with the program.

If you're so concerned, why don't you buy the damn gift?

Because I was focused on my wardrobe.

I can't be responsible for every little thing.

This is what I get for delegating. Now, come on, we gotta go drop 500 on a gift

that says we're better than everybody.

This is not a competition.

Save that speech for the losers. Come on.

When Kira's four or five centimeters dilated, she can get into the pool.

Now, you'll find Kira that will help relax you.

It'll ease the tension and ease the pain.

Now, uh, do you have any questions?

Yeah, hi, I have a question, Marsha.

Have you ever had a problem with one of these pools leaking? I would not

normally ask, but I have had a day of unexpected leakages.

No.

Anybody else? Yeah, hi, it's me again. Hi.

If said leakage were to occur, are you bonded to cover my hardwood floors?

Miss, that's what the plastic is for. Yeah, if said plastic were to rip...

done with you.

What happens if there's complications? I mean, look at all the things that could

go wrong.

preeclampsia, placenta previa, cord prolapse. Look at that.

It's a miracle any of us made it out of that birth canal alive.

Okay, first of all, studies have shown the deliveries made by a certified nurse

midwife, which is what I am, are just as safe as those by a doctor.

Secondly, please don't agitate the mother, or I will be forced to kick your

Question asked and answered.

What are you going to name the baby?

I just deliver them. I don't bond with them.

Actually, I was talking to the mothers.

Well, we haven't decided as yet. We're going to get to know him first and then

pick a name that suits his character.

But you don't understand.

The name defines the character, and we all start out as these morphous lumps of

clay. The name we get moles who we become.

I mean, look at Oscar the Grouch. Did he really have a choice?

Thank you for the advice, but we don't want it.

Linda be naive?

What? Not that thing.

Okay, but look at this book of baby names. A bad name could be disastrous.

And what if you name her Martha?

Martha means horrible.

Do you want your child to go around depressed for its whole life?

Damn right the kid will be depressed if they name it Martha.

They're having a boy.

Lynn, girls, come here. Turn to the M's. What does Maya mean?

Okay.

Ooh.

It's Greek for mother.

William, can I talk with you for a minute? Sure.

Oh, my God.

If I hadn't been named Maya, maybe I wouldn't have gotten pregnant in high

school. Yes, it's the name.

Having unprotected sex under the bleachers on prom night had nothing to

No, I had unprotected sex at the Sadie Hawkins dance.

I was already eight months pregnant on prom night.

Look up Joan.

I bet you he means something like powerful woman. You know, like Joan of

Here it is. Nope.

Means God is gracious.

I don't get it.

How's that supposed to describe me? I mean, it doesn't say I'm gracious. It

God is gracious. I mean, that's all well and good for God.

Well, where does that leave Joan?

Knee deep in amniotic fluid.

But now that the baby's actually coming, we'd appreciate it if you would sign

these. Your signature lines are flagged in blue. It's for you to relinquish your

parental rights so that I can legally adopt the baby as the second parent.

Linda, why so formal?

This is awkward, and I just want to get it over with.

Well, I can't sign this.

Well, why not?

It's written in lesbianese.

I'm kidding.

I'll take the rattle, the cup, and the

teething ring. It's almost $700.

Don't be silly with the engraving. It'll be closer to a thousand.

Let's see those losers top that.

Miss, I'm sorry to inform you, but the engraving is going to take a week.

Well, then, we'll just take our thousand dollars over to F .A .O. Schwartz. Come

on, babe. No, we won't take the rattle. No engraving. No, no, no, uh -uh. That

says Maya and Lynn going in on a cheap -ass gift together. People expect more

from me. Todd, I will not let them down, especially.

Not a child.

Excuse us.

What? Babe.

Tony, honey, it is not the gift that is important. It's that you're there to

share a special time with your friends.

Boy, you're funny. I'll meet you down at FAO.

You can't buy love.

Hmm. You tried to buy mine.

Maybe the best thing we do is stay out of that child's life.

Are you trying to say we're dysfunctional?

Yeah. In that case, let's take that thousand and buy me some jewelry.

You're doing great.

Okay.

Perfect. They're five minutes apart now, sweetie.

Is there anything I can do to help?

You can drop that mop and make me a sandwich.

You know, Kira, now, when I was in labor, I... You know, I've been meaning

to hush you.

me, Marcia. I was just trying to help. I am the only mother here.

Well, why don't you go home and take care of that son you keep talking about?

No, girls, I'll be right back. I'm just running to get a quick bathroom break. I

hope you wash those hands.

Oh, of course.

I want them nice and wet when I slap you.

You know, a woman like that should not be bringing life into this world. No.

While there's a little break in the action, I just figured I'd bounce a few

names off you guys. I told you, enough with the names.

You know what?

Linda means pretty, and your attitude isn't pretty at all right now.

In fact, your mom should have named you Meanie.

Maybe he needs a name.

Which is why I don't understand why you just don't name him William.

You know, it's a chance to remind him who his father is.

Well, apparently I need to remind you that Kira and I are his parents.

For now.

Now what is that supposed to mean?

Well, what happens if you and Kira don't stay together?

I mean, what if this lesbian thing is just a phase?

William, don't do this. No, excuse me, but I don't think you know my sister as

well as I do. She never sees anything through.

Lesbianism is not a phase, William. That's what you said about your two

and your raw food diet and learning to play the zither.

You have never taken me or anything I do seriously. No, you've never taken it

seriously. How many weeks? How many rides?

That was condescending and insulting.

Sourdough it is, okay.

This has been a process for me. And yes, it's taken me a while to figure some

things out, but I know who I am now.

Really? Do you care to favor us with a tune on the zither?

Through the sleeves, perhaps? You know what? You had better start respecting

Well, I'm sorry if you don't exactly inspire confidence, but what happens

you're tired of being a mother and you want to be a Sherpa in Nepal?

Or maybe you'll get tired of being a lesbian altogether.

She'll take custody of the child and she'll move to Nepal.

Either way, my nephew's son ends up in Nepal.

It doesn't even matter where he ends up, because you will never see him if this

is how you disrespect his mother.

His mother?

Oh, I'm sorry, but until I sign these papers, the state of California

you as his aunt.

Hey, uh, I play the zither, too.

Want to jam sometime?

Ask the mother.

William, I care most about the best interest of the child, and it's in the

child's best interest that all the grown -ups in his life are getting along.

Didn't someone tell you to hush?

You had an agreement. You're the sperm donor.

If you didn't think she was a fit mother, then why did you agree to give

your sperm in the first place?

Didn't someone tell you to make a sandwich?

I understand why you're doing that.

William means protector or guardian.

And actually, you're going to be overprotective of the child.

I mean, we become our names. It's fake.

Didn't someone tell you to take a hike?

No.

Take a hike.

What goes down after this baby is born is none of my business. But up until

point, it is very much my business.

And what's going on right here is that you are making the mother to be very

upset and very agitated, and that's not okay.

Look. Look, I don't want to hear about it. You are messing with my job, and I

don't play that.

It's their kid.

Stop acting like a panty waist and go sign the damn papers.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my break is over. I hope that damn sandwich is

William, I just got off the phone with my attorneys.

They're going to have a new set of papers on your desk birthday Monday

Good plan.

I could never rip up two sets of papers.

Tony, let's face it.

We're messed up.

You spent all the money on us and nothing on the baby.

You're right.

We got issues.

Hit me.

Bud?

We're young.

We still have time to get our values and insecurities straight before we have

our own kids.

And we have all the time in the world because we ain't having any.

You don't mean that.

The hell.

Baby, don't you want to hear the pitter -patter of little feet?

Of course. That's why I have you.

What do you have against kids?

Besides the fact they need to journey through my body.

Please, tell me you're not one of those women who would sacrifice having

children just to keep her figure.

Have we met?

at the big -ass women in my family who once looked like me and now look like my

Aunt Praline?

Oh, you remember.

She wore the purple suit and took up the whole row at the wedding.

Aunt Praline looked like you?

Oh, sinner.

We'll just get a puppy and a whole lot of therapy.

Deal. God,

I can't wait to get out of here.

Oh, okay, I'll just stop holding the baby in.

That water's going to get under that plastic.

Okay, I have some more possible baby names.

Okay, now she's messing with my nap.

Lynn, why is naming this baby so important to you?

Because I didn't have a name for the first five days of my life, okay?

I've been struggling to figure out who I am ever since.

Lynn, that's crazy.

Oh, it is? Well, when I got adopted, I finally got the name Lynn.

You know what Lynn means?

Waterfall or pool under a waterfall. Water flows wherever it's directed with

goal or purpose of its own. Except to irritate the hell out of me.

I'm going to Joan's room.

Lynn, a waterfall could also be seen as a natural, powerful force of great

beauty. What the hell do you know? God is gracious.

I wrote this up on Joan's computer.

It's legally binding, but if you want me to sign your official relinquishment

papers, I'll do that tomorrow.

William, look, we need to talk, all right? I don't want it to be like this.

Look, you women, it's not enough for you to get in your own way, but you want us

all to be happy about it, too?

Well, I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen this time.

William, don't. Look, all you have to do is just leave me alone.

It's a little early in the day to be drinking, isn't it?

No, when the day began, I figured I'd be drunk by now.

Of course, at the time, I assumed it would be the result of having endured

of your parties.

After having my son taken away from me.

William, you always knew you were going to have to sign the relinquishment

papers. Joan, this may be my only chance to be a father.

Is that what this is really about?

I just started thinking today.

My track record with women and certainly no new prospects on the horizon, I may

never have the wife and children I always thought I would.

This could be it for me.

I know how you feel. I've been there.

And I have the same fears.

Of course, I'm with Brock now, so I feel like things are going to be different.

So yeah, poor you.

And by different, do you mean you're going to...

Run off this man in some whole new way?

All right. Woman, look.

Ten years from now, if neither of us are involved, let's make a baby.

Good stuff, dear. All right. Now let's get back to my place so we can see your

nephew's son being born. All right, all right. But when our baby's born, it's

going to be in a hospital with a doctor and drugs.

Yeah. Not just for the birth, though. I want to be unconscious for the

conception.

You ain't seen nothing but a word.

So, uh, do we miss anything?

I'm so sorry. I know you're going to make a fantastic mother.

And a lifelong lesbian.

What happened this morning was just about me.

William, you got to know that we both are well aware that this baby's going to

need a male role model.

So, got any ideas?

There's always my friend, Mr. Noogie.

I can't do this. I want to go to the hospital.

No, no, no. Now, come on, Kira. Remember, we discussed this. And this

best, okay?

That's easy for you to say.

If it weren't for your dwarf ovaries, you'd be the one shriveling up in a

pool while I had a touching reconciliation with my brother.

Linda, can we take her to the hospital, please? No. Now?

Come on, Kira. Come on. I've got to be strong enough for the both of us.

Then you have the baby bitch. I want drugs.

Now, you heard the lady.

Let's go to the hospital.

So do you have a wet back?

No. Why?

Just giving you a heads up.

Hey, I call shotgun.

Dear God, please send William a lovely and fecund woman so that I don't end up

having to have his baby.

And God, if you are a merciful God, before ten years are out, you'll let

have a child.

By someone else.

Or kill her.