Original subtitles

I'd like to see my office, please.

If you're going to continue to use that thing, won't you let me sit out at my

desk instead of up under you like I'm on house arrest?

It's too risky.

If you sit out there, you'll miss my brilliance.

Like now, take this down.

Memo to self.

Check statutes in Meyer's case.

Memo to Kellogg. Three scoops of raisins.

Hey, when did you guys start locking the supply closet?

We started getting through security.

Well, what are you doing here?

Trying to steal some packing material because somebody put me out on the

My memo to Lynn. Bye!

Come home tonight.

You know what that means.

Finally going to bust that butt pimple.

You know what?

That is the last time that I hear something intimate with you.

No. It means he's going to want to have sex.

Oh, girl, I know.

They're one note with that one.

For being such a little man, Tasha has a big libido.

I mean, every time he takes me around the house, he thinks it's foreplay. When

all the while, I'm just trying to wear the last out.

Tony, we're talking about me. I know, but I fixed that.

Try something new and be there for me.

I need help.

I can't have sex with Ellis.

The last shred of dignity that I have left is that I haven't slept with him

since I've fallen in love with him.

Say his name, Jo.

I can't. Because if I say his name, then I start thinking about him. And if I

think about him, then I remember that I love him.

Fine. Then I'll say it.

Brick. It's a block.

The important thing is I made you say it.

Now go under there.

Underwear? I made you say underwear. I'm on a roll.

You know what? Never mind, Tony.

I am going to get advice from someone who is out of kindergarten.

Look, just tell him that you're on your period because you're sure acting like

it. Can't. I used that one three weeks ago to get out a good bicep.

Then you're going to have to go with what I like to call the path of yeast

resistance.

No, Tony.

I am not going to tell that man that I have a yeast infection.

Women use that excuse all the time.

Why do you think some sneaky male scientist invented that one -day cure?

I don't care what other women do, Tony. Joan doesn't. Joan will if she wants to

avoid hello sex with actor boy.

So get home and get this correction.

Hey, baby.

You're early.

Yeah. I came straight from the airport.

I could not wait to see you and kiss you and do that other

thing you denied me before I left.

What's wrong?

I can't. Why not? Do I have airplane breath?

No, not.

Your breath is fine.

It's me.

Wait, but your period isn't for another week.

Then what is it?

Oh, hey, Joan. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just... I have a yeast infection. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, it's not the plague. It's just a little... La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Don't they have a one -day cure?

Enough about me.

You worked with Stephen Soderbergh.

How does it feel to be a big star?

Well, usually big stars get all the sex they want.

After that one day cure kick, then, maybe I could feel like a big star, huh?

Yeah, maybe.

All right, I thought of a way you can make it up to me. Oh, Ellis, sweetie, my

neck hurts.

I want to invite Brock over for a really nice dinner as a thank you. Over here?

Yeah. He busted his ass getting me this gig, and I thought, you know, you could

make that great lamb dish I love so much. No, no.

Ellis, you should take him out for dinner.

Oh, come on. Single guy, Hollywood type. I'm sure he eats out all the time. He

never gets a home -cooked meal. Come on, we'll make a night of it. Good wine,

good food, good conversation.

It just seems so impersonal. How about you get him a big gift basket?

Joan, Soderbergh was going to go with Colin Farrell until Brock talked him

seeing me, a black actor. Come on, that's huge.

Ellis, he's your agent.

He's supposed to get you work.

You already pay him 10%. I mean, isn't that thank you enough?

I think that is thank you enough. Joan, what's the problem?

Huh? Don't you like Brock?

What? What happened that night you went to see the producers?

Huh? Did he rub you the wrong way?

What? Joan, what is going on?

Ow.

My yeast.

Sorry I'm a little late, though.

I had to go back to Jabari's school. He forgot his lunch again.

Maya, you left here two hours, 11 minutes, and 13 seconds ago. Now, that

than a little late.

Did you not hear me say sorry, boo?

Yes. I heard it this morning when you were late because the Starbucks was

crowded. And then yesterday when you took a half a day off to get your hair

done. Look, Joan may have let you run amok, but this is William Dent's office.

Today is a new day.

There's a new sheriff in town, and he doesn't take kindly to lollygaggers. So,

from here on out, you're here on time.

No more personal calls, no more hen sessions down in Joan's office, and if

have to get your hair did, you'll do it on Saturday like everybody else.

Okay, fine.

There you go.

Now, can we start tomorrow? Because they charge if you cancel a null appointment

at the last minute.

I'll see you in an hour.

Oh, hell, make it two. They got a draft.

This is crazy.

I haven't even talked to Brock since I told him I couldn't see him anymore, and

now he's going to be in my house.

How's he going to be?

How am I going to be?

Quick, what's the dinner party equivalent of a yeast infection?

These crab tags.

Sorry, girl, they're nasty.

Maya, please, leave Joan alone.

She needs her love and support right now. Thank you, Lynn.

But you can't move back in.

I am offended that you think that I would try and manipulate you at a time

you are so obviously in need of a friend to lean on.

You can't stay for dinner either.

Roast the bitch.

Shoot,

that's them.

We're gonna go out the back. Good luck. Call me. Yeah, girl, me too. Yeah, me

too. I'll be at Tony's. The hell you will.

Hey. Hey.

Joan, you remember Brock?

Yeah. Yes, of course. Hi.

Oh, shoot.

I left the champagne in the car. I'll be one second. Okay.

So I got the champagne.

Hey, you guys want a toast now or after dinner?

Is that now fine?

I'm going to get the glasses. I'll go get them.

Joan, are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine.

It's just that I love champagne so much it's scary.

What are you guys still doing here?

I don't know about these two. I'm eating my dinner and doing my laundry.

Gerald, honey, I crown you queen of dank -a -dank -dank -dank.

What? We saw you in all your nastiness.

Sweetie, what are you doing in there?

I'll be right out.

Do you need some help? No, no, I'm coming.

Pray for me.

I don't get it. Brock doesn't look Asian at all.

Asian? Why'd you think he was Asian?

Because y 'all told me that Joan was in love with Alice's Asians.

Brock is Alice's agent.

You thought Joan loved Alice's Asians?

That's stupid.

I figured it was a little racist, but I figured racism is the least of Joan's

problems.

Well... To the best agent in Hollywood.

And the best girlfriend in the world.

To two great partnerships.

Well, color me surprised.

Maya Wilkes is at work on time.

Yes. Yes, she is.

Jabari didn't have breakfast, and I think I dropped him off somewhere on

freeway interchange, but hey, I'm here on time.

Commitment to your job, Maya.

That's what I like to see.

Now let's get to work.

Remember how I gave my sister Linda and her lesbian lover my sperm so they could

have a baby?

Oh, good.

So many of my friends are actually doing that. Of course I remember full well.

Linda called me last night. She was beginning to worry about the baby and

whether she'll be able to adopt as a same -sex second parent in Missouri.

I'm swamped, so I need you to research Missouri law and prepare me a memo for

Linda.

Your, this ain't got nothing to do with my job description, Sister Linda.

No.

You can't tell me no.

I'm the boss of you. Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Dent. What I meant to say was, oh,

hell no.

Well, then you're fired.

Oh, well, then I'll see you at my deposition for my role for termination

That's not fair!

You did favors for Joan all the time. That was different, William.

Joan and I had a system of reciprocity. I would bring her fresh -cut flowers

every morning. She'd overlook my personal phone calls.

I would leave her a memo assuring her she would get married one day.

And she gave me the afternoon off. It's called tit -for -tat, William.

You give me some tat, and I'll give you some... Okay, that's not going to work.

Look, you just hook me up, and I'll hook you up, okay? So what you offering?

All right.

You do the research, and then lunch will be on me.

I file your expense reports. Lunch is always on you.

I want a day off.

A day off? Yeah. That's crazy.

Poor, poor lesbian lunch. Fine.

I'll give you the day off.

But this is blackmail, my. No, no, no, William. I prefer to look at it as

personalizing my benefits package.

Maybe I can see Ellis on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and Brock on

Thursdays, and Saturdays. Well, what are you going to do on Sundays?

Hopefully some Kegel exercises.

I've had that schedule.

Hell in the hard way.

Joe, choose Brock.

Your face lights up when you talk about him.

Don't stand in the way of your happily ever after because you've conditioned

yourself to live in fear.

Chapter four, don't miss your bliss.

I think you should stick with Ellis.

You've invested the time. You're that much closer to marriage. Tony Child

Garrett, woman with a ring.

Lynn, what do you think?

Well, for the last three weeks, I thought Brock was Asian.

So give me some time to catch up here.

So, what'd you find out about Missouri law?

What are you offering?

I already gave you the day off. To do the memo, not to tell you what's in the

memo? Maya. William.

Fine. A half day.

Now.

Now they call Missouri the show me thing.

Yeah, well, tell Linda to show herself to the border and get the hell out of

there. Because there's no precedent under Missouri law for second -parent

adoptions for gay couples.

Well, what states do have a precedent?

Well, William, I would classify that as new information, and new information

comes at a new price.

Fine. I'll let you borrow the Beamer next time I visit Mama.

Excellent. I'll book your flight tonight. Now, there are several states

gay couple adoptions, one of them being...

California. You're kidding.

That's great.

That means they can move here and I'll be near my nephew's son.

My, I could kiss you.

No, no, you could, but then I'd be keeping the bimaboo.

Hi. Hi.

Come in.

You look nice.

So do you.

Thank you.

Would you like some wine?

Thank you.

So, um, do you want to order in or should we go out?

I was thinking of this little cute place down in Tijuana.

We can't be sneaking around like this.

This isn't me.

And I know this is not you.

It isn't?

Because I don't know who I am anymore.

Look, I know that this is hard for you, so I'm going to make it easier.

I'm going to drop Ellis as a client. What?

I'll have him transferred to the head of the agency.

No, I am not going to let you ruin your career for me. We both need a clean

slate.

I drop Ellis as a client.

You drop him as a boyfriend.

It's more complicated than that. No, it's not.

It's very simple.

It's not simple.

It's complicated.

And it's messy. And I feel like this horrible person who should be on Jerry

Springer with one gold tooth married to my cousin.

I don't like it either.

But I also don't like the thought of Ellis kissing on you and touching you.

I want to be the only one with you.

It's just really bad time. Come on, damn, baby, take a risk.

Not like this, Brock.

All right, well, um...

Not only am I going to have to let Ellis go...

I'm gonna have to let you go as well.

Bye, Joe.

Hey, baby.

What's for dinner?

Oh, wait. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. Hey, baby. How was your day?

What's for dinner?

Joan?

Hey, Joan.

What's wrong?

Whoa.

Don't touch me right now.

Is this another female problem?

No.

It's Brock.

Me and Brock.

The night that we went to the producers, something happened.

And I have been trying with every ounce of my being to forget him.

But I can't.

Ellis, I love him.

So, um, did you, did you sleep with him? No.

No. It isn't about that.

Hi.

You know, you really hurt me, Joan.

I know, and I'm really sorry.

I've known for a while that something hasn't been right, but I've not been

to put my finger on it, just like I've not been able to put my finger on you.

And I was up all night feeling really betrayed and... But, you know,

around 5 a .m., I started to feel relieved.

And you should, too.

Because at 4 a .m., I'd worked out how to kill you both, bury the bodies, and

cover my tracks.

Okay.

You know, when we first met, you basically said I was a jerk.

So I came back to win you over, to prove that I'm a good guy.

And I've been sticking to that script ever since.

Joan, I've been hanging in there because I didn't want to fail.

I didn't want to be just another guy who did poor Joan wrong.

Okay. You can stop now. I know where you're going with this.

Hey, you were truthful with me, so I just want to be truthful with you.

Alice, I cared for you. I really did.

And I cared for you, too.

But it wasn't love, was it?

I know a couple of times we said it was, but it wasn't.

But hey, maybe you can find love with the agent, because we all know how deep

they are.

I just came back to say goodbye and good luck.

I mean it.

Thank you.

It's all right.

Hey.

And thanks for looking so crappy. Makes this whole thing a lot easier.

You're welcome.

All right.

At least let me get out the door before you call him.

Okay.

William, I really think it's time that I move back out to my desk.

It's just that I think I'm having some kind of reaction to this chair.

I think it's going to be a yeast infection.

Memo de Maya.

Cotton panties.

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