Original subtitles

Come on. Where is it?

Oh, girl, you look a hot mess. What's up with you?

I wanted to bake a cake, but I can't find my nonstick sunflower cake pan.

Now, I thought that I put it with my nonstick fluted cake pan, but then I

remembered seeing it with my eight -inch doughmaker pie pan.

Now, that doesn't make any sense, seeing as that I would never, ever put my cake

pans with my pie pans or my nonstick pans with my stick pans.

Tony, I wouldn't do it.

You know what your problem is?

Your house isn't in order.

Gotta have your house in order.

That was the topic of my internet Bible study this morning.

Need to log on to the Lord.

Tony, you're right.

My house is immense.

I don't need all these pans.

I just need one pan.

Girl! Ain't nobody talking about your raggedy house. I'm talking about your

raggedy love life.

You have too many manses.

I've only got one manses.

I'm committed to Ella. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you may be committed to Ella, but

I know you, Joan.

You're still thinking, desiring, palpitating about that Brock.

Mm -hmm.

You need one man in your mind, body, and heart.

Saw that on The View when I was online with the Lord.

Okay, but, Tony, I can't clean that house until I clean this house. No, no,

no, no, Joan.

See, you're trying to go around the Lord instead of just going straight... You

know what? Forget the Lord. He's confusing me.

Now, if I help you clean up this clutter, will you wash one of those men

that hair?

Yeah.

In fact, why don't we just wash your hair?

You might find one of those cake pans in there.

That's why I'm sitting here with my legs crossed and a grin on my face.

In case y 'all was wondering.

Who are you waxing for?

What do I have to be waxing for somebody?

Antoine.

Antoine who?

Not my brother, Antoine.

Yeah, he flies in from Boston tomorrow.

He said he needed a break from his residency and that he wanted to see him

Maya.

Well, I guess you're going to be knocking boots all week. Oh, girl, that

plan. Hello, this is my little brother. I don't want to hear about the knocking

of Maya's boots, clogs, sandals, target flip -flops, nothing.

Okay? So just shut up.

Okay. Girl, I just have one quick question.

I got to buy some condoms.

And would you say that Antoine was salt, mustard, ketchup?

Hey,

roommate.

Hey.

What was that?

What was what?

That look.

What look?

You gave me a look. I didn't give you a look.

Oh, please.

People give me looks all the time. I can recognize a look. And that was a look.

Len, look.

I didn't give you a look. When I give you a look, you'll know I gave you a

Because I'll give you a look.

See?

Okay, now you're sighing.

Okay, William, ever since I moved back in, there's been this unspoken tension

between us.

All the look, the size, the mysterious tacks in my bed.

What are you trying to say?

Obviously what the tacks couldn't.

Lynn, you ain't got to go home, but you got to get the hell up out of here.

What?

Don't let the doorknob hit you where the good Lord split you.

What?

Every goodbye ain't necessarily gone, but this one is.

Look, woman, that's all I got. You got to get the hell out of here.

Antoine.

My, you look... Stunning.

Just so you know, I don't, uh... I don't make a practice of answering the door

in lingerie.

Well, I hope you don't make a practice of keeping it on long, either.

Oh, really?

Mm -hmm.

So,

Dr. Childs, what part of L .A. would you like to see first?

Your bedroom.

Well... That's going to be a short trip because we ain't.

Thanks.

William, thank you for helping me to green potential, roommate. You never can

too careful.

A lot of weirdos out there.

Yeah, out there.

So, who are we going to meet with first?

A Miss Vivian Nelson, 35, school teacher, loves pets.

Easy going.

She sounds stable.

Lynn?

Looks like she belongs in one.

Hi, Vivian.

Um, this is William, my friend.

Please, have a seat.

But... Before you do... Do you gamble? No.

Drink hard liquor? No.

Have the mark of the beast tattooed on your left breast? No. Lynn does.

She's the antichrist and she wants to make you her succubus.

Run, Vivian!

Run, my...

Oh, come on. She had a pilgrim blouse on.

Who wears that?

No shoes.

I'm not a shoe guy, but those look like psych ward flats to me.

Come on.

I'm just trying to get the best roomie for Max Roomie.

Oh, she did have the faint smell of kitty litter and foot funk.

Yeah, that foot funk was all her.

I'm helping you purge, Joan. Anything tagged in yellow goes.

Anything tagged in green stays.

Okay, but I don't see any green.

Girl, you funny.

Tony, come on.

This is crazy. You tagged my table. You tagged my chairs. You tagged my fruit

bowl. And my statues.

Tony. No, sweetie, these are my African fertility statues.

These are supposed to make me fertile.

What good are unga and bunga if you can't settle on a man to fertilize you?

for me.

Earlier today, I thought that I had figured this out. I was packing up my

Jordache jeans when my mind, my body, and my heart, they said, choose Brock.

And then I realized, I realized that those jeans, they might come back in

Just like Ellis. Ellis might come back in style.

I see what's tripping you up.

You. Now get up and clean out this house.

Hey, sleepyhead.

three days.

Mama's tired.

Get up, get up. I got something for you.

Come here, come here.

What's this?

Breakfast.

Grits, scrambled eggs, fried green tomatoes, and my mama's famous biscuits.

I may have issues with your mama, but I'm all about these biscuits.

Thanks, baby.

You're welcome.

Hey, so...

I was thinking today maybe we could go down to Venice Beach and rent some bikes

and take a ride up the boardwalk.

Oh, well, I was thinking I'd finish eating. You know, you paint Jabari's

real quick, then I'll take you to the airport.

Oh, I changed my flight.

Changed your flight?

As in you upgraded from coach?

No, as in I don't think I'm going back to Boston.

I want to stay here with you, Maya.

Come again.

Amaya, this past weekend with you has been extraordinary.

I can't remember when I had this much fun.

I mean, I've spent the last six years of my life buried in medical books, exams,

and in cadavers.

I've forgotten what it was like to live until you.

I love you, Maya.

Um, Antoine.

I don't love you.

Okay? And I'm not saying that it can never get there, but I think the L word

kind of confuses things.

You know? I mean, let's just be together when we're together.

No strings, no catches, just friends who do the do and then go the go.

And we've done the do, so, brother, you should be good to go.

Okay. Yeah.

That's cool. Okay.

Well, I understand.

I'm just gonna go take a shower.

What, before you paint?

Well, as long as it gets done.

We could totally be roommates.

Oh, I know. I mean, I'm a filmmaker.

You're a writer. We're perfect for each other.

Oh, my God.

Hi, I'm so late.

Oh, no, you won't do. Good day.

Who are you?

I said good day.

Down, boy.

William, this is Rita.

Rita, this is William. He's my old roommate. She's my new roommate.

The hell?

William, we're vibing here.

Yeah, buddy.

problem. Oh, it's not my problem. It's your problem. It's called excessive

facial hair.

William, shut up. I like her. Just trying to save you from Chewbacca over

Shouldn't you be getting back to that carnival?

You know what? I don't need this. Thanks.

William,

are you insane?

She was perfect. There was nothing wrong with her that an epilady couldn't fix.

Epilady can't but ugly.

Why do you care what my roommate looks like? I thought all you cared about was

putting me out.

All right, look.

I'm going to give you the straight skinny.

I want you to find me someone who's straight and skinny.

Look, Lynn, I'm friends with you.

You get a hot roommate, I'm friends with her.

At some point, you're going to mention how good I am in bed.

Then she'll be interested and I'll have sex with my new girlfriend.

So basically, you're asking me to pimp for you.

Oh, no.

There won't be any bitch slapping, and you won't profit in any way.

Okay,

at least he stopped singing.

Well, maybe he left.

to live in a South Central bathroom with Maya?

Oh, honey.

A -A -Triple -A -Y -M -T -A. None of them A's are going to stop her from

the sauce.

Remix.

Darling, that's no way.

Well,

what vision of loveliness do we have here?

William, I'd like you to meet Jamie, my new roommate.

Well.

William, I know I'm always bumming, but honestly, we found a place. It just

won't be ready for another couple of weeks. Oh, no, would you say no more?

no more. Me casa es tu casa.

That includes me bedroom, me bed, and me blankie.

Thank you, William.

Thanks for the room, doll.

I'm going to get that now.

So when should I tell him how good you are in bed?

I'm going to be home tomorrow. He's going to have to take a bath.

You're embarrassing me.

I'm calling Mama.

Call her and tell her I hate her.

Well, at least we know he's not completely crazy.

Yes, I am.

I'm crazy in love with Maya, and I know deep down in my heart she loves me, too.

I can't. I got to, I got to, I got to, I got to. I got to.

Hey, Antoine, it's me, Joan.

Hey, Joan.

Hey. Listen, I think you're right.

I think Maya does love you. And we are the world -ish.

Well, it was Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we all knew Thursday was just Tuesday

with nutmeg on top.

Dummy, this ain't no time to be talking about food.

Yo, brother -in -law, you hear that? She called me dummy.

I guess all those years at medical school didn't teach me anything.

You know, us doctors, we don't know nothing.

I told them she didn't need surgery, but they don't listen to the dumb resident.

They say you a surgeon, but...

But you made it, right?

Yeah.

Listen, man, you got to hang in there. All residents go through it.

But you can't break down and drop out of the game. If you do, they win.

And you want to win, don't you?

I want to win.

Yeah.

Of course you want to win.

So come on out.

Come on out and win.

Come on, you can do it.

Brother -in -law's standing right here for you.

Okay, why does he keep saying brother -in -law? Girl, I got him watching Soul

Food. Ladies.

Sorry. I keep missing out. You know what? I got to get tea, though. Y 'all

care about me.

Damon,

I almost had him.

Antoine, look, you're just having a little breakdown.

Every first -year resident goes through it. I went through it. Just come on out,

and we'll talk about it.

Maybe you should just stay in the bathroom. I mean, the only reason you

medical school was because of affirmative action.

What?

Yeah, I mean, everybody knows black people aren't smart enough to be

Oh, hell no!

I had to get you out by any means necessary, Malcolm X!

brother -in -law.

That was brave, baby.

Yeah? Stupid, but brave.

John, sweetie, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

I'm straight, John. I'm straight.

I'm sorry, y 'all.

Maya, I just want to say

I still love you.

gonna be so proud of me.

I cleaned out my garage.

Oh, that's good, girl.

You know, when I was boxing up those casingles, I realized I don't want to be

single. And I have a good man.

I do.

And I'm gonna keep him.

I'm staying with Ellis.

Huh. Are you sure?

Just like my house.

I am very clear.

Yeah, girl. You probably have the cleanest house on the block.

Did you say Brock?

Oh, my God.

Oh my God, I still love him.

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