Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Ain't this a mess?

I forgot my wallet again.

Uh, can one of you, uh, money -making child, let's have this cover for me?

Oh, well, you said money -making, so I'm out.

Fine.

I'll get it.

No, you're a single woman.

It's not the Beverly Hills doctor's wife thing.

Oh.

What is this?

Amazing. Oh, I got it. In my world, there ain't nothing but parking me to

Money's good.

Doctor's wife is loaded.

Ka -ching.

What else is going to scare me? It's so generous.

You know, Jabari's school class is going on a field trip to D .C. You know, see

how the government works.

And, well, you know, I was wondering if the philanthropic Mrs. Garrett could

front me two grand.

No problem.

Okay. I'll just make the check out to... Y 'all bitches know I'm broke.

Hey, babe.

How was your day?

When are we going to have sex?

Who's going to stop asking you that?

Want to get the answer I'm looking for?

You know the answer.

We will make love when I know that you're my soulmate.

This is the longest soulmate interview in the history of the world. Do I have

the job or not? Damn!

We've been together for nine months. We've lived together for three weeks.

Shouldn't you know by now?

You can't put a clock on it. There's something else going on here, Sabad.

is it?

What, erectile dysfunction?

There's Viagra and STD.

There's doctors.

Sexual confusion.

I like to role play.

Why don't you play like a nun and leave me alone?

This bag cost $9 ,000, Maya.

A lot lately. I needed a treat. Sweetie, you can't afford a treat. You're broke.

Oh, my God. You stole this, didn't you? Oh. Oh.

You know what? This is all I need. It's for the poly.

To see black folk with a hot person.

Okay, Tony.

Sweetie, I... I know you've been feeling a little down lately.

Bag isn't hot, is it? No.

All right.

Well, then you need to...

hole, remember?

Not me. Todd's in the hole.

California's a community property state.

When you jump that broom, you jump right into the hole with him. I didn't jump.

I was tripped and pushed.

Tony, you need to learn to live within a budget.

Damn it, I am living within a budget.

What I really wanted was a Crocodile Kelly bag, but it was $17 ,000, so I

settled on a $9 ,000 Birkin. So see?

I saved more in a day than you fools make in a week.

Well, Joan, maybe.

Please tell me that you did not get another raise. A huge one. In fact,

how I was able to buy Mama the Crocodile Kelly bag.

You bought your Mama the Crocodile Kelly?

Yeah, it's the perfect gift.

Well, you know, Mama wrestled that croc once, and she's always loved herself

from Kelly Ripley.

William, the Kelly bag was named for Grace Kelly.

Don't tell Mama that. She never forgave Grace Kelly.

Oh, what the hell?

Why?

Well, Mama loved that.

But she always had her heart set on being the Princess of Monaco.

That's not fair.

What is an old croc -wrestling hag neat with a Kelly bag?

Who are you calling a hag?

Yo, Mama.

And if he can get one, I'm getting me one of them bags. Tony, that's enough.

don't have croc -Kelly bag money. You don't have Birkin bag money. Hell,

you barely have Ralph grocery bag money.

Girl, you need to learn to live within your means.

I mean to buy that bag.

Sweetheart, there are simple ways that you can learn to live within a budget.

Yeah? You can stop going out as much, clip coupon, buy in bulk.

You need to return that damn bag. Shut up.

You just shut up.

You're trying to make me feel poor.

That's because you are poor, Blanche.

No.

I'm keeping my bag.

I'm just going to do what I always do when times are hard.

Sell stupid people some jacked up houses. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have

shacks on a fault line to unload.

Should I be concerned that she sold me my house the last time she was on a

slump?

You got a raise?

I wasn't snooping. Then what were you doing, Lynn? I was innocently looking

the number for movie phone.

777 -FILM.

Anyway... His address book just happened to open up to the page with his ex

-girlfriend's name and number on it.

The way I see it, the universe placed it there for a reason.

Admit it, Lynn. You were snooping.

Okay, you know what, Lynn? I don't want to say anything, girl, because I was

kind of proud of you being freaky free for a while, but, uh, that's a vibe.

He ain't right. Something's going on.

Okay, so fine. We're all on the same page. Should I call his ex?

You know, it's one thing to snoop, but to act on the snoop, you're just tipping

the snoopy that he's been snooped.

So, Maya, we're both on the same page. Should I call his ex? Girl, you have to.

In order to protect yourself, you need to find out why they split up. I mean,

that could lead you to why he hasn't given you any.

I mean, girl, for all you know, that woman could have cut off his thingy, put

in a pickle jar, and had it on her dress.

And that, my girlfriend, is something that you need to know.

Maybe Savad is what Savad says he is. A committed man on a spiritual journey.

She get on my nerves. Call her.

Okay, Martha Cham, this is your house.

Now, check out the master suite that has the French doors that you're looking

for, and they lead to the yard. So just go right on down that hall. Thank you.

Hi.

What are you doing? Trying to sell your house.

I thought you were selling some shacks on the fault line. Check your geological

survey.

Mrs. Garrett, may we have a word with you, please?

Okay, I'll be right there in a second. I'm just talking to the help.

Help? I'm trying to sell this house to two old white people, and I know they're

not going to want a bunch of black people in their neighborhood.

Hello? They're working with a black realtor. Shh!

I'm passing.

How's your teeth?

Excellent. And your gum?

A little dry.

Which brings me to my point.

Have you ever slept with Savoy?

Let me guess, you've reached your breaking point.

How long has it been?

I'll give or take nine months. About nine months?

That ain't nothing.

I held out for three years.

Three years?

That's not holding out. That's throwing it up.

I wish I had.

Lisa would have had some action down there.

So who finally brought Savant around?

He never came around.

I finally ran off with a massage therapist.

Apparently I wouldn't survive so, mate.

Okay, what is his deal?

He's a very spiritually centered guy. He's very committed to his lifestyle.

He's a sweet, gentle, immensely talented man who won't be moved until he finds

what he's looking for.

Oh, that's a load of crap.

Even Gandhi got his freak on.

Come on. Come on.

There's got to be something.

No, nothing I can think of.

Except, of course, the thing.

What thing?

You don't know about the thing?

Um, what thing?

Uh, you know what? I've said too much already.

No, you haven't. You haven't said anything.

This is a bad idea.

Uh, look, thanks for tea. I'm late for a massage, and girl, you know I need it.

Now, did she say the thing could jump out and kill you?

No. No, but she didn't say it couldn't.

The way I see it, we have two options here, okay? We can either stay here and

look for it. The thing, or we could pack your bags and get the hell out of here.

That's crazy. And he could be, too. For all you know, the thing could be some

crawlspace full of dead bodies.

Maya, you smell a bunch of dead bodies.

Not if you use quicklime.

Maya, I know Savad, and he's not a serial killer.

All right, girl, let's just think here, okay? Let's just think.

All right, the thing could be...

Some sort of celibate tarot cell. Or, girl, you know, he is a slim little

I bet he is a pre -op transsexual.

It's just a hop, skip, and a jump from savant to savantia. All right?

Now, girl, we got something to work with, okay?

Now, you search for the hormones. I'm going to look for the suspicious

Uh -huh!

Yes! I found it.

The big girl panties.

Maya, those are mine.

My bad.

Isn't it better than eating out of styrofoam in the office?

Well, that depends.

Is dessert a big old bowl of ulterior motives?

Don't be silly, you silly dude.

This brief is a bear, and I just thought it would be better to work on it in the

comfort of my home. And, well, yeah, let me ask you.

Under these circumstances, would you forgive the woman that you love for

cheating on you?

So, finally coming clean about cheating on Ellis with his agent.

You know?

Ed June, everybody knows.

Even Mr.

Sweetilson. And he was impressed.

He didn't think you had it in you.

I'm just kidding. He wasn't impressed.

Look, do you love Ellis?

I think I do.

Then don't ever tell him about Brock.

But what if Brock is my soulmate? Oh, come on, Jill. You need a soul for that.

closing. Can't stay long.

Need food, water, and a five -minute nap, then wake me up and just shove me

right on back out there.

Nap. Tony, who buys houses at night? Blind poor people with good government

checks. But I got my Crock Kelly.

You got a Kelly bag?

How? There's a waiting list. Yeah, and your mama's back on it.

Tony, give me the bag.

No, Tony.

You cannot afford a $17 ,000 bag. But I worked hard for this bag. I deserve it.

It's mine, and I'm not poor.

All right, all right, no, we're not poor.

It's her bag.

She's earned it. Uh -huh.

You're right, William.

It's her life, and... It's her bag. Nobody scams Mama!

Put me down, you mother's boy!

That crazy heifer just bit me.

Kelly Ripa, she just wanted the cash.

Tommy, you are living in denial.

You don't have this kind of money.

Cootie, this is not just about you.

This is about saving your marriage.

My marriage isn't worth what?

this place apart and we've only learned one thing that celibate poet is one

cagey mother well there's only one place left to look the thing gotta be up

there the attic always in

Oh, okay.

All right. Come on.

Okay. All right. A little harder, girl. Push, push. You got to push.

Okay.

Watch my shoes.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

You see anything?

It's too dark. I need my flashlight.

Where is it? It's in my forensic bag.

Where'd you get all this stuff?

Girl, you know my cousin Betty works for LACSI.

Oh, what?

What? What? Wait a minute.

I think I found something.

Could the thing have anything to do with the dead rat and a plastic spinster? It

could be. I'm coming out. Okay, good thing.

Okay.

Lynn?

Yeah?

What are you doing?

Nothing, just hanging out.

And you?

Why is everything I own all over the floor?

Can you feel it? I think your place was the epicenter.

Why are you snooping through all of my stuff?

Because of you.

You've driven me to it.

Become the kind of woman I despise. A pathetic girlfriend snooping around on

man, wondering if anything's going on behind her back.

Liv, let's talk.

I don't want to talk.

I want to make love.

And I'm so tired of you controlling everything.

Not what I'm doing.

But I feel like you are.

feelings are valid.

You act as if I've deceived you, and I haven't.

I've been up front with you every step of the way.

Well, I haven't been up front with you.

I thought that I would be the woman who could make you give up celibacy.

Yeah, now I'm one of those pathetic girlfriends who thinks she could change

man into being who she wants him to be. Oh, great.

I'm morphing into Joan.

You are sensitive, smart,

beautiful, funny. You're the most alive woman I've ever been with.

But I don't think this relationship is healthy for either one of us. Whoa,

whoa, whoa.

Are you trying to break up with me? I'm trying to accept what is.

I'll be damned if I'm getting no sex.

I don't get the last word.

Fine. Have the last word.

It's not yours to give.

Now, I, Lynn, break up with you, Savad.

Whatever, Lynn.

No, it's not whatever. It's whomever, because whomever I meet in the next half

hour is whom I'm sleeping with.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Come here.

Come here.

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too.

You can stay here until you find a place. I'll sleep out on the couch.

No.

I'll just move out tonight.

Where are you going to stay?

I have a key to three houses. I'll be fine.

So, since I can't have it, what do you say I at least get to see it?

What? Let me see it.

No way.

Come on.

After nine months, I deserve that much?

That's crazy.

No, no.

We're both artists.

I work with images. You work with words. You've given me the gift of your words.

Just give me one last image before I go.

Okay, fine. If that'll shut you up, go over there.

Will I be able to see you from over there?

I can't believe this.

Impressive.

Oh, what's that?

Well, that, that's the thing.

Oh, guess that makes me a pirate.

Scorpio rising.

Can I buy you another drink?

No. I got your astrological data and your first name. I'm good. Why don't you

just take me home and do me?

Really? I mean, oh,

come on, Lola.

I mean, Linda.

Lynn! My girl, Lynn.

Lynn. My girl.

No, I can't do this.

Come on, I said Lynn.

I said Lynn.

No, I mean I need a deeper connection.

I'm a left Methodist.

I like long walks on the beach.

I once pushed a deaf girl out of swimming.

I feel really bad about it.

So, come on.

You know, I used to think that jumping in bed was all about power and

and living life to the fullest, really being free.

But you know what?

You gave me a gift.

Send him a thank you.

No. I think I'll just have that drink.

Well, think again.

I am not wasting my drink money on somebody who's not going to put up.

Oh, well, wait a minute. You're still going to pay for the ones we're already

drinking, right?

Ryan. Raul.

Robert. Bob. Bob, my man.

Come on, I said Bob.

What the... Maya?

Hey, Bob.

Um, I took care of that pesky little possum problem you had up there.

I'm just going to be on my way.

Hold up, Savate.

So that's the thing.

You know, that ain't all that special.

Don't know what got to it, though.