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Dr. Todd Garrett.
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Hey, Tony.
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Hey, I'm glad I was looking down or I
might have missed you.
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Is that still all you got to insult me
with, a short joke?
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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Have you grown?
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Only emotionally, something you wouldn't
understand.
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Oh, good comeback.
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Somebody's been practicing. All right,
all right. What else you got? Come on,
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hit me.
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Look, have you eaten?
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Actually, I was on my way to a dinner
party at Jones. Do you want to come?
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I don't know.
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Why were you going?
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Off to liberate your fellow oompa
-loompas?
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First of all, we're not prisoners there.
We work there because we like
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chocolate. See, you always gotta go to
my beauty.
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No, you always have to go to your
beauty. I just really like chocolate.
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Welcome to my world. Have a seat.
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Hey, Doc. How are you?
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Okay, catch me up and get me a knife. I
already know how to cut, William. Who
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else do I have to cut?
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Both of them. And you might as well cut
Todd, too, because I know he's going to
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take their side.
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All balls tend to bounce to the same
beat.
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Hey, Todd, you want some wine? Sure.
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All right, all right. Maybe horror was a
little strong.
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But all I'm saying is all women have a
price.
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Well, that is not true, honey, because
there is not enough money in the world
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make me sleep with you.
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So you wouldn't sleep with William for
$10 million?
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No, I'd sleep with William's mama for
$10 million.
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The point is, you guys think of us as
commodities to be bought, sold, and
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traded. Isn't that sad?
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Exactly. You rate us like bonds, and
once we depreciate, you unload us.
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Joan, Joan, don't worry. I'm going to
hold on to you at least until you
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Okay,
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just for that, you ain't getting any.
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we women evolved past using sex as a
weapon.
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No.
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That's what you women do.
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And the second we do something wrong,
you start locking it up. Hey, hey, hey,
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hey. I invite you here to eat, not to
talk, little fella.
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You see, that's another thing.
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You judge us by superficial standards.
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He's too short.
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He's too bald. He's got jock itch.
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Sorry, I didn't mean to share that.
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You know, he does have a point. We can
be hard on men.
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Listen to her.
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Look at the way I treated Bosco.
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Okay, you know what? Maybe we are hard
on you guys, but it's only as a reaction
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to the way that you judge us.
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It's so true.
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Her butt's too big. Her butt is too
flat.
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Her butt is too wide.
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Her butt is too jiggly.
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Her butt's too perfect.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, what, what? I'm
not a 10?
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Oh, if I'm not a 10, I want to know
who's a 10.
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Whoa, whoa, look, look. All women are
beautiful.
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The fact that there's a rating system is
both degrading and offensive.
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You know, it all comes down to womb envy
because we are the life givers and
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you... Shut up. Seriously, though, guys,
if I'm not a 10, I want to know who the
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hell is.
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Halle Berry.
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Okay.
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do not have a shot at dating Halle Berry
should not be commenting on Halle
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Berry. I don't think men who have less
than nine inches should be commenting.
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You see, you see, women reduce men to
numbers, too. It's just different ones.
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Like, how many cars you own. Right. Or
how much money you make. And that whole
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inches thing.
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By the way, notice, I'm commenting.
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Commenting? Hell, I'm pontificating.
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Hey, if commenting is tight inches, I
could talk to the cows, come home, and
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rope me a steer with what I got.
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Well, I'm glad you have some height
somewhere.
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Talk about degrading and offensive.
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See, all you women want are men with big
penises and deep pockets. Oh, come on.
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That is not what we want.
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Yeah, we can be flexible. I mean, in my
case, the deeper the pocket, the smaller
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the penis can be. Okay, okay.
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are trying to say in their very jibber
-jabber kind of way is that what women
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want is security.
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You know, we want to be taken care of,
to be protected.
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You know, money is just one aspect of
it, and the whole big penis thing, I
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assume.
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That's what I was trying to say. Thanks,
girl. See, we want to feel secure and
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protected. That's why I can't date a
short man.
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Sorry, Todd.
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Yes, you are.
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Well,
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this... woman doesn't need a man to
protect her because if i'm ever attacked
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i'll just scream out that's what i told
the president and then i just fall down
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i start sizzling like bacon that's a
little crazy exactly
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And no one wants to mess with a crazy
person.
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And by the way, I love big penises, so
if y 'all see any at the gym... What are
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you talking about? I don't act like you
guys don't look. Okay, okay. I think
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it's clear what most women and Lynn
want.
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No. What do you guys want?
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I want to know who tells you we look.
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Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I
don't look. Neither do I, dude.
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Me neither. That's why I'm so pissed
off.
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Dirty lie.
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No, really.
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Okay, women want security. What do men
really want?
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Halle Berry.
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We're not just any Halle Berry. We're
talking about a Halle Berry that cooks,
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like my mama. Oh, yeah, and clean.
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Like my mama. And is adventurous in bed.
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Well, daddy did die a happy man.
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Ella?
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Yeah, baby? How do I rate?
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What?
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I mean, not that it matters, but on a
scale of one to ten, how do I rate it?
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You know, I think you're beautiful.
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So?
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How beautiful?
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You're a nine, baby.
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A solid nine.
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You're just saying that.
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No, I'm not just saying that. You are a
nine.
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Ellis.
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But come on, if Hallie's a 10, I know
I'm not a 9. So tell me the truth.
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I want you to be able to say anything to
me.
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If Hallie's a 10... Yes.
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No points for personality,
intelligence... Look, straight up, look.
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On a scale of 1 to 10,
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Joan Clayton is...
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Okay, a five.
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A five?
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Yeah.
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Oh, oh.
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And a half.
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Okay, Ellis said you were a five. And a
half.
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With all that booty? That's how I got
the half.
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Okay, girl, if you're a five, I must be
a what? A seven?
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I'm just... Girl.
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You look great in my book where you're a
ten.
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Yeah, but I don't want to look good to
you. I want to look good to him. And he
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thinks I'm a five.
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Hell, I'm so far away from being a ten,
I might as well let the hair grow where
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it wants to.
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Joan, please, stop tripping.
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Your ass alone is a twenty.
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Lynn, you are way too focused on my ass.
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Please, Joan, I don't want you.
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You're a five.
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Hey, hey, leave my best friend alone.
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Look at me, Joan.
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You're beautiful, stunning, exquisite,
gorgeous, honey. We can't let these men
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screw us up.
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You're a ten.
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We're all tens.
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Three. Listen, chump.
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If you want a tip, you better shut your
trap.
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Tony, he's talking about the food, not
you.
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Oh, I know he wasn't talking to me. I
was defending Joan. I'm confused, not
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crazy.
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Tell me you did not just tap my ride.
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Dude, relax.
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There's no damage. It was just a tap.
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Oh, man, lady, look at this.
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This is a custom paint job.
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Stop tripping. There's nothing there.
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Open your door and let me see.
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Please, I'm not opening my door. Open
your door and you'll see my paint all
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it. Must be crazy.
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You scratched my car.
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I'm late. Move.
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Open it. You know what, little boy?
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Get a life.
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Bitch. I said open the damn door. Hey,
get your hands off of her. Go to hell.
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All right, all right, dude. Take it
easy.
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Not until you apologize to the lady.
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Dude, just let me go.
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Apologize. Fine.
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I'm sorry, huh?
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You all right?
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Yeah.
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Thank you for coming to my rescue.
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That's what here every woman wants.
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A man to protect her, make her feel
secure.
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Too bad I'm so short.
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Hey.
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00:10:13,890 --> 00:10:15,570
Hey, Tony. What are you doing here?
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I missed you.
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Tony. Oh, all right, all right. Stop
badgering me.
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I think I'm falling in love with Dr. Too
Little.
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Come on, get in here. Quick, quick.
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Time to order frappuccinos with the
pedicast.
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00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:42,830
Better. Tony fell in love with Pocket
Doc.
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You guys call him Pocket Doc?
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What? You think he's so little he can
fit in a pocket?
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Okay, y 'all know that it's so wrong not
to mention mean and hurtful.
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We're sorry.
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But this is great.
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00:10:55,911 --> 00:10:56,939
What part is great?
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00:10:56,940 --> 00:10:59,470
Well, that you're in love. With Pocket
Doc? Hello?
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00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,370
Well, does he know?
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00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,980
No, and he never will. But if you're
really in love... It just can't work.
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I mean, if we get married and have a
kid, our kid will be short.
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00:11:08,721 --> 00:11:13,079
Then in school, he'll always be picked
glass for kickball, which will cause him
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pain and anger until he explodes in a
violent crime spree. And then in prison,
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00:11:16,931 --> 00:11:20,639
because he's so little, he'll have to be
some muscle -bound killer's bitch,
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00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:21,690
okay?
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00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:24,690
And I just cannot have that happen to my
baby.
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00:11:25,140 --> 00:11:26,660
Oh, my God, you're pregnant?
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00:11:29,870 --> 00:11:30,920
Now, William.
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Boy, hell no.
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00:11:33,650 --> 00:11:37,320
Now you all are in a huddle and you said
baby? Wait a minute, where's Lynn?
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00:11:42,170 --> 00:11:43,730
Look, y 'all, this ain't my baby.
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00:11:46,050 --> 00:11:48,610
William, Tony is in love with Todd.
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Oh, the pocket duck.
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She doesn't want to love him because
he's short.
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That's a wise decision, Tony.
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00:11:57,110 --> 00:11:58,160
Wise decision?
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00:11:59,290 --> 00:12:03,450
The girl is in love. She can't ignore
what may be her last chance at true
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00:12:03,451 --> 00:12:07,129
Forget Tony. The competition for women
in this town is hard enough for a big
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00:12:07,130 --> 00:12:11,069
strapping guy like me. You start letting
short guys into the game, I can end up
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00:12:11,070 --> 00:12:13,789
warming the bench with the fatties and
the mama's boys.
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00:12:13,790 --> 00:12:17,689
Boy, what are you worried about? You got
a woman. Damn straight, because I'm
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00:12:17,690 --> 00:12:18,740
tall.
224
00:12:19,470 --> 00:12:22,850
Exactly. Thanks, William. Now I know how
to fix this mess.
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00:12:36,870 --> 00:12:41,829
Soccatini for you and a martini for me.
You better stick to just one, Byron. You
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00:12:41,830 --> 00:12:44,480
know what they say about drinking at
high altitudes.
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00:12:45,810 --> 00:12:48,220
Yeah, well, I never quite heard that one
before.
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00:12:48,730 --> 00:12:53,350
So, Tony, you been in L .A. your whole
life? Oh, who cares? All that first
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00:12:53,351 --> 00:12:55,869
where'd you grow up, where'd you go to
school, stuff's so boring.
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00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:57,070
Let me get this straight.
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You're a stockbroker, right?
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00:12:59,091 --> 00:13:02,469
Yeah, I'm kind of embarrassed to say
that right now. You know, stockbrokers
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00:13:02,470 --> 00:13:04,270
aren't the most popular guys around.
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00:13:04,271 --> 00:13:05,299
Let's see.
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00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:09,140
You're tall, you're black, and you chose
stockbroking over basketball.
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00:13:09,780 --> 00:13:11,340
Talk about your bad career move.
237
00:13:11,341 --> 00:13:16,239
Well, Tony, just because I'm tall and
black doesn't mean the only thing I can
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00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,259
is play basketball.
239
00:13:17,260 --> 00:13:20,090
Oh, you're one of those tall brothers
who ain't got game.
240
00:13:22,220 --> 00:13:23,270
No, no, no, wait.
241
00:13:23,420 --> 00:13:28,139
I got one better. You're more like black
man can't jump so much for your hoop
242
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,190
dreams.
243
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,500
Tony, you seem kind of hostile.
244
00:13:32,820 --> 00:13:33,870
Is anything wrong?
245
00:13:33,871 --> 00:13:34,699
Oh, yeah.
246
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:35,750
Something's wrong.
247
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,480
Well, did I offend you? No.
248
00:13:37,740 --> 00:13:38,790
That's what's wrong.
249
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:42,520
What? Come on. Work with me. I'm just
trying to have a little fun.
250
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,520
Don't you want to have a little fun?
251
00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:45,860
Huh? Turn up the heat.
252
00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:47,190
Go ahead.
253
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:48,540
Take your best shot at me.
254
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:53,300
What? You heard me. Take your best shot.
I'm a big girl. I can take it. Hit me.
255
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:55,170
So you're into that?
256
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:56,560
Yes. I love it.
257
00:13:56,561 --> 00:14:00,219
Are you sure? Look, if you want to date
me, you have to be able to go there with
258
00:14:00,220 --> 00:14:01,700
me. So hit me.
259
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,280
Hey, I do want to date you.
260
00:14:07,050 --> 00:14:10,950
He hit me on my arm. I slid off the bar
stool and I banged my head.
261
00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:15,660
Hey, Tony, that's God trying to knock
some sense into you.
262
00:14:15,950 --> 00:14:20,629
Oh, God, the feminist. She would never
hit a woman. Look, the point is you
263
00:14:20,630 --> 00:14:21,890
run away from love.
264
00:14:22,210 --> 00:14:25,910
Love is a gift from God. I know, I know.
That's why I made a decision.
265
00:14:27,350 --> 00:14:31,509
I'm going to sleep with Todd. Whoa,
whoa, whoa. We didn't say go from zero
266
00:14:31,510 --> 00:14:36,089
60. We said date him. You don't
understand. I'm trying to get rid of the
267
00:14:36,090 --> 00:14:38,380
sex. is the quickest way I know to kill
romance.
268
00:14:38,590 --> 00:14:42,200
Okay, I don't know why I've been
monopolizing the wine, but come again?
269
00:14:42,530 --> 00:14:46,689
Well, nothing chases away romantic
feelings faster than me sweating and
270
00:14:46,690 --> 00:14:48,190
about my edges snatching back.
271
00:14:49,190 --> 00:14:51,310
Tony, since when don't you like sex?
272
00:14:51,610 --> 00:14:52,660
I never like sex.
273
00:14:52,990 --> 00:14:54,130
Well, what about Greg?
274
00:14:54,131 --> 00:14:56,129
You said it was the best sex you ever
had in your life.
275
00:14:56,130 --> 00:14:59,569
Well, there's an exception to every
rule. Plus, y 'all remember how Greg
276
00:14:59,570 --> 00:15:00,969
touch his nose with his tongue?
277
00:15:00,970 --> 00:15:02,370
Woo! Enough said.
278
00:15:02,371 --> 00:15:06,879
Okay, well, how do you know Todd won't
be the exception?
279
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,799
Look, if there are that many exceptions,
it would be the rule.
280
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:10,960
Sex is overrated.
281
00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:15,219
Sure, it beats late -night television,
but people make too big a deal of it.
282
00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:18,659
know, Tony, I have a friend down at the
university who's doing clinical trials
283
00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:20,540
with women in bags. Oh, will you stop?
284
00:15:22,060 --> 00:15:23,110
I'm not frigid.
285
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,700
If a guy can work at it like Greg did, I
can lie back and enjoy sex.
286
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,620
Kind of like a quality pedicure.
287
00:15:29,621 --> 00:15:33,859
Honey, either... You're sleeping with
the wrong guy, or I'm going to the wrong
288
00:15:33,860 --> 00:15:34,910
nail salon.
289
00:15:41,380 --> 00:15:42,430
Hey, baby.
290
00:15:45,020 --> 00:15:47,740
Hey, I, uh, I brought your favorite.
291
00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:49,240
Look, look, look, look.
292
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,220
Donuts. Oh, great.
293
00:15:51,221 --> 00:15:54,419
Let me just scarf those down. You could
have a girlfriend who's a four and a
294
00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:58,439
half. Oh, no, wait, you know what? I got
Haagen -Dazs in the freezer. I could be
295
00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,119
it, too.
296
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,220
Oh, no, wait.
297
00:16:00,221 --> 00:16:01,669
Why stop there?
298
00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:05,220
I might as well just eat everything in
the fridge and I could be a big fat
299
00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:10,670
Joan, Joan, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said
anything.
300
00:16:11,330 --> 00:16:15,169
But you have to know, on a scale of
girls that actually want to date, you
301
00:16:15,170 --> 00:16:16,350
the only perfect ten.
302
00:16:16,630 --> 00:16:20,750
I bet you say that to all the five and a
half. No, no, Joan, stop, stop. Look,
303
00:16:20,950 --> 00:16:22,870
I'd never want to date Halle Berry.
304
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,520
Come on. How could you ever be
comfortable around somebody that
305
00:16:27,750 --> 00:16:29,950
What? Not that you're not beautiful.
306
00:16:30,660 --> 00:16:34,819
But it'd be weird, huh? Weird to have
all these guys always checking out your
307
00:16:34,820 --> 00:16:35,870
girlfriend.
308
00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:38,700
Not that guys don't check you out.
309
00:16:38,701 --> 00:16:43,219
You know, I'm just going to grab my
toothbrush and never come back.
310
00:16:43,220 --> 00:16:44,960
Don't forget your audition mirror.
311
00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:46,710
Come on.
312
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,090
I'm not perfect.
313
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:49,940
You know, I'm not 10.
314
00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:52,300
I'm not... Denzel. Right.
315
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:53,570
I... What?
316
00:16:55,820 --> 00:16:56,870
You know what?
317
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,020
You know what? You're right.
318
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:03,039
You're right, okay, I'm no Hallie and
you're no Denzel, and maybe on some
319
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,090
that's a good thing.
320
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:07,919
I mean, women are always saying that
they don't want men that judge them just
321
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:13,379
their looks, and here you are wanting to
be with me because... because of all my
322
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:18,040
qualities, not my looks, and I should
really appreciate you for that.
323
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:20,700
So, I'm no Denzel?
324
00:17:23,020 --> 00:17:25,490
But you're talking Denzel ten years ago,
right?
325
00:17:25,599 --> 00:17:27,709
Trumpet playing, more but a blues
Denzel.
326
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,670
No. I mean Denzel now.
327
00:17:30,110 --> 00:17:31,310
Leather jacket wearing.
328
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:32,800
Training day.
329
00:17:33,230 --> 00:17:34,890
Ooh la la, Denzel.
330
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:40,810
Come on, come on. He was only wearing
that jacket to cover up his big old gut.
331
00:17:41,530 --> 00:17:44,900
I don't know. You look like some
scrumptious sexual chocolate to me.
332
00:17:45,770 --> 00:17:50,169
What? The man has a double chin. And
four kids. Are you telling me I'm not as
333
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,340
hot as a guy who has four kids and two
chins?
334
00:17:53,430 --> 00:17:56,050
Baby, let's just let this whole thing
go, okay?
335
00:18:00,030 --> 00:18:02,500
Yeah. I'm hotter than Taye Diggs,
though, right?
336
00:18:03,670 --> 00:18:05,030
Have you seen Brown Sugar?
337
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:31,650
Baby.
338
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:06,039
Dear God, first off, I want to thank you
with all of my heart for bringing true
339
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:07,140
love into my life.
340
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:13,040
After Greg, I never knew I could feel so
happy.
341
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:22,459
Of course, because you are an all
-knowing God, I don't have to tell you
342
00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:25,770
this love came in a slightly smaller
package than I was expecting.
343
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:31,729
However... Because you are a merciful
God, please give me the strength to
344
00:19:31,730 --> 00:19:38,450
this wonderful little man for who he is
and overlook his one flaw.
345
00:19:43,050 --> 00:19:44,670
Make that two flaws.
346
00:20:22,871 --> 00:20:24,969
Yeah.
347
00:20:24,970 --> 00:20:29,520
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