Original subtitles

Oh, Joan, you planned this whole shower for me. You shouldn't have gotten me

anything. I can take it back.

Oh, let's see what it is first. Okay.

punishment whip for when william's a bad boy then sweetie this is

the place yvonne's family is here look at her poor grandmother she's mortified

um i'm sorry man

of black well i didn't mean to upset you it's okay sweetie you couldn't have

known i got her the same thing

Lynn, the whip.

Tony, the balloons.

What balloons?

Exactly.

And Maya, Vagisil in the gift bags.

Obviously you've never taken a bubble bath, Joan.

That stuff will tear you up.

Well, that's behind us now because in 49 .5 hours D -Day, Yvonne and William are

going to have the best wedding ever. And the only way that can happen is what,

ladies? For us to be organized, prepared, and...

Yes. Okay, number one. Lynn, how's the wedding poem coming?

Uh, well, you know, poems are... I mean, well, it's not easy.

Hey, Maya didn't do her seating chart.

Maya? I don't think we've completely resolved the poem issue.

Okay, you know what? Did anyone do their homework?

You guys were supposed to have finished your assignments by 1 ,500 hours.

Tony, how's the prenuptial spa day coming? They may be slackers, but I did

homework. Okay.

I got my thoughts come at 9, my deep tissue at 10, my facial at 11, and my

-pedi at 1.

Tony. Oh, oh, my bad. 1 ,300 hours.

Yvonne. Wait, what are you doing here?

From 1 ,700 to 1 ,730, you're supposed to be having bonding time with the MOB.

What?

I'll be with the KFC, so here I am.

What's wrong?

I'm just upset William's mother never showed. Do you know if she got the

invitation? Well, I'm sure she did. I gave it to William.

But don't worry.

Traditionally, out -of -town guests aren't expected before the rehearsal

That's tomorrow night, 1900 hours, at the Ivy.

Oops.

I better get on that.

I just want William's mother to like me so much.

She's gonna love you.

Yeah. Come on, Yvonne, relax.

But she's so important to William. And what kind of marriage are we going to

have if my mother -in -law hates me?

Mine?

Ooh, nasty lingerie.

Put it on so I can tear it off.

Willie, where is your mother?

Or you could just pour a bucket of ice water on me.

I thought she was coming to the shower. I was all nervous to meet her, and then

she didn't even come.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you. She, uh, she missed her flight.

She will be here for the wedding, though.

With bells on.

Okay. I just think it's a little weird that the first time that I meet her is

our wedding.

You know what I just remembered?

I gotta go pick up my tux.

Joan says I have to get it by 1800 or else my coupon expires.

Did you pick out the shower present you want to try out yet?

Yeah, this one.

What was that for?

So you wouldn't see this one coming.

I repeat, ow!

What was that for?

Your mother has no idea who I am.

Of course she does. Don't be ridiculous.

I called her.

Oh.

Okay, Mom, I understand you went behind my back and dialed my private speed dial

on my private line.

Okay, I see flipping a script's not going to work this time.

She doesn't even know about me?

Look, I love my mother dearly, and I'll forever be in her debt for the pain she

endured giving birth to a baby with a head the size of a cassava melon.

But she's a very judgmental woman, and I was just trying to protect you.

I've got my 38 to protect me. I want to know why your mama doesn't even know

about me.

Does anybody really know anybody?

First you won't set a wedding date, then you buy this house without me. Now I

found out your mother doesn't even know who I am.

It's clear you don't want to marry me, so don't. We're getting married, Yvonne.

I got the tux. I hired the wedding planner from hell. I even tattooed your

on my butt.

You what?

And there goes the wedding night surprise. I hope you're happy.

No, Willie, I'm not.

And I'm not walking down that aisle without your mother sitting on the front

row.

Let's get her on the phone. Come on!

Ah!

Speakerphone.

Hello?

Hello, Mom, it's William.

We're getting you married on Thursday for Valentine's Day.

And we really want you to come. I'm not dragging myself to Los Angeles to watch

you marry some hussy you just met.

Oh, wait a minute!

Mama, look,

you're not helping.

Oh, what's that you say? You were just kidding.

You know I really want to marry, Yvonne.

Oh, Mom, you're such a card.

I love you, bye.

She's such a kidder.

No doubt that's where I get it from.

William, I know how important your mother is to you.

And if she doesn't come, I know this won't count as a real wedding in your

What if she's not coming? Look, Yvonne, there's only two people in front of that

preacher. You and me.

And it's all that matters.

No, it's not.

Look, I'm not taking that, Yvonne. You're overreacting.

Goodbye, William.

Four inches between every chair. I don't want the guests to be crowded.

Where's your ruler?

I don't know, Joan.

But when I find it, I know where it's going.

Lynn, how's the poem coming?

I think I'm onto something.

There once was a woman named Yvonne.

Now the next line's gonna hinge on whether she's been to Stratford on

Lynn. What?

Yvonne's hard to rhyme.

Joan!

I need to talk to you. Oh, I don't... I don't have time to talk to the groom.

I've got a wedding to plan. There's not going to be a wedding. Yes, there is.

No, there's not.

Yes, there is. Would you stop saying that?

Yvonne's gone. She gave the ring back.

What did you do? Nothing.

She just found out that I never told my mother about her.

Oh, hell no.

You what?

Well, there goes that.

Next time, marry someone named Jane.

That's a name I can work with.

Okay, how could you not... Tell your mother. Because he doesn't want to marry

her. You know, I called her three months ago.

But I love Yvonne.

Who else am I going to find that respects my conservatism?

That appreciates my tender nature, that tolerates my obsession with girl -on

-girl action?

You know, Joan, this may be his only shot. Greg, you've got to do something.

Good point.

I'm on the case.

You know, it won't be easy.

Yvonne said she won't marry me unless my mother's here, and my mother ain't

coming.

Well, then you are going to get on a plane and fly to Kansas City and you're

going to drag her back here because there is going to be a wedding. You,

inches, you get to writing and you get on a flight. Don't you worry about

Yvonne. I'll get her to the wedding.

I'll even get her to the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night at the Ivy.

Tomorrow? Damn!

Joan, are you sure you can do it?

Of course I can.

I'm the wedding planner.

I'll make a deal with you all.

Now,

you get me out of this now, and I won't hurt anybody.

Now, I don't know how long that offer's gonna be on the table, so I'll jump at

it.

Okay, Yvonne, look.

Your wedding is in four hours. Are you gonna put on the dress?

Why are you trying to bite me? I gave you water.

Guys, she really is sweating, and I don't want her hair to go back.

Look. Yvonne, I will take you out of that thing if you promise to stick

and talk this through with us.

Okay.

I'm not going to argue with anyone who's crazy enough to shoot me with a

tranquilizer dart. Okay. It was just a little one.

Okay, will someone please get the dart gun from the Tomb Raider? I wouldn't try

it.

Will y 'all please sell your piece so I can get out of here? Because nothing you

say is going to make me change my mind about marrying that mama's boy.

Um, um, let me go first so I can still try and make my three o 'clock whack.

Yvonne, let me break it down.

I bought him a house.

I've seen his assets.

And you've seen his other assets?

We're good for life.

Enjoy the ride. I'll see you at the wedding. Ah, you're not going anywhere.

agreed that if we're facing kidnapping charges, we're facing them together.

You can't make me stay.

I got a dart that says different.

Y 'all don't want me now because I got a bag of Cheetos that's got my name on

it.

Yvonne, do you know how lucky you are?

Do you know how hard it is to find true love? I would trade places with you in a

second. I knew you always wanted him. Oh, no, no, no, no.

What I meant is I can't wait to get married to someone that I love who loves

This is every girl's dream.

I know you're having doubts about William, but I have never heard you say

you don't love him.

Okay.

I don't love him. Can I go?

Okay, the fact that you're asking instead of running out of here and

charges says that you really do want to marry William. Of course she does.

She didn't get those nails French -tipped to sit around here and get

all over them.

These hurt me so much. Listen, girl, okay?

Now, the movies will have you thinking that love is running across a field of

flowers in slow motion.

But the true test of love is when you're in the trenches fighting to make it

work. And she knows all about love. She has a husband and a boyfriend.

Okay, first of all, he's just a friend. And second of all, he was just a friend.

seeing him anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Maya.

We know.

Okay, Yvonne, if you ignore the fact that Maya is cheating on her husband,

you'll see that she's making a really good point.

Love's a bitch.

Marriage is work.

But your wedding is gonna be fabulous.

Okay.

Okay, some of you might be saying some things that make some sense. Don't be

shy, girl. You can say my name.

But let me ask you this.

Would any of you want to marry someone who doesn't think you're good enough to

meet his mother?

Okay, that's bad. And we know that.

But now so does William.

Look, he's trying to make it right, Yvonne. He's flown all the way to Kansas

City to get her. No, he didn't.

Yes, I did.

Mama, this is Yvonne.

My wife -to -be.

I hope.

Well... We'll leave you guys alone to get to know each other. All right, well,

um, don't forget that the guests are coming in 1 ,800 hours and you're kind

in the coat room.

Oh, one more thing. Yvonne, have you ever been to Stratford -on -Avon?

Lake Huron?

China Canton?

See, Yvonne?

My mom is here.

Just like you wanted.

Oh, right, William.

Look, I'm supposed to believe this is your mother. I don't know you didn't

drag this woman off the street.

You calling my son a liar?

Maybe.

What's his middle name?

Oh, no, she didn't.

Mama, please.

Jerome. Failed with two R's and a silent W.

The scar under his chin?

Fourth grade.

Chemistry said explosion while trying to make flubber. What else you got?

What day does he celebrate Independence Day? July 2nd. Because? Because the

Continental Congress declared independence on the 2nd. Voting on the

on the 4th was a mere formality.

Well,

it's nice to finally meet you.

I'm sorry I called you a pregnant hussy.

Obviously, you're not pregnant.

Mama, please, you promised to be nice.

My son loves you, and that's good enough for me.

Excuse me.

No pressure, but the caterers are here. Should I have them set up or should I

send the food to a homeless shelter?

Yvonne?

I'm not walking down that aisle until I get the... Man your

stations. We're a go. Maya, fire up that hot comb.

Valentine's Day is the day to celebrate love, so what better day to have a

wedding and to seal the bond between these two souls.

We light our candles to symbolize the eternal love they share.

And so... From the stately

Himalayas to the streets of old Compton, let the world rejoice

for William and Yvonne.

Please be seated.

We are gathered here to bear witness as this man and this woman pledge to

spend their lives together.

William, I believe you have something to say to Yvonne.

Thank you, Yvonne, for wanting to marry me.

I know the road we traveled to get to this point has been a rocky one, but

anything worth having is worth fighting for.

I love you, and nothing makes me happier than knowing I'm going to spend the

rest of my life with you.

Thank you, William.

Yvonne? Ah, Reverend, it's pronounced Yvonne.

No, actually, Willie, it's Yvonne.

But I've always called you Yvonne.

I know.

Potato,

potato.

Let's call this off.

No, really, I can't do this.

Why can't you do this? Because I called you Yvonne?

No.

Because I've been letting you and I never said anything about it. I let you

all over me about setting a date, about the house.

I let you humiliate me about this whole thing with your mother.

I gave up my life's dream of being a cop.

That's not something I would do.

That's not me. That's Yvonne.

Please, Yvonne, don't do that.

Something kept gnawing at me, you know?

And I kept thinking it was you.

But it's not.

It's me.

I just gave up too much of myself to be with you.

You know, we women, we want to be married so bad.

Sometimes we just lose ourselves in the process, and that's exactly what I've

done.

I just don't know who I am anymore.

Yvonne, Yvonne, I love you.

I love both of you.

I love you, too.

And I am not trying to hurt you.

I just don't like who I am with you.

Baby, I can't marry you. I'm sorry, Willie.

Yvonne!

Don't worry, William.

We've got this covered.

We've got a bolter.

Cue the tranquilizer gun.

Roger that.

Is there anything I can do?

Anything at all?

If you want to do something, you can take Ola back to the actor's retirement

home. Who's Ola?

That woman over there pretending to be my mother.

That's not your mother? Where's your mother?

She's still in Kansas City.

I tried, but she wouldn't come back with me.

All right.

In my defense, it was dark and I didn't factor in the wind.

As soon as I get the feeling back in my leg, I'm gonna kick your ass.