Original subtitles

Happy birthday, Joan!

Happy birthday!

Hey! So, are you claiming to still be 26, or are you rolling it back to 25?

24? 23?

Look, stop me before I get to high school, because I've seen those

you don't want to go back there.

I'm 30, okay? And please tell me you came here for a reason other than to

me. Actually, I did.

What would you think about me asking Yvonne to sign a prenup? Well, the

in me would be fine with it, but the woman in me would hold you down while

Yvonne guts and fillets you.

Why do you women always get so emotional whenever you hear prenup? Because it's

totally heartless. I mean, you're planning the divorce while she's

wedding. I'm just trying to recognize the reality that you don't know what's

going to happen in the future.

I've got to protect those assets I spent a whole lifetime acquiring.

Nobody wants your funky Green Hornet comic book.

Well, I know of a half a dozen people on eBay who would beg to differ.

Well, I think I speak for all women when I say we're making our own money and we

don't need yours.

Yvonne does.

I made her quit her job.

She's got practically nothing.

Hence my pickle.

So if it doesn't work out, you're just going to leave her with nothing? No, no.

I'll give her five minutes, a big burlap sack, whatever she can grab, she can

keep.

I don't realize you were going for 30 this year, Joel, but good for you.

Light a candle every night for Jesus.

Honey, you light a candle every night because they turn your electricity off.

I want to pray for you. Okay, hello, hello, hello, hello, birthday girl here.

It's all about me.

Please, just blow.

I mean, I woke up this morning with clarity. I felt cleansed of my 20s and

the drama.

I love who I am and where I am.

And that's why I wanted to celebrate tonight with my girlfriend.

And have a really good meal and some good cake and hopefully open some good

presents. And have a whole bunch of...

You ain't got no man.

Yes, but I got my key royale. Okay. Come on, ladies, let's drink.

Okay, you guys want to play I Never?

What song ever?

Oh, it's fun. Okay, somebody says, I never did something, and the person who

done the dirty deed has to drink.

Oh, okay, so that's just a clever way to find out people's business.

I'm in.

I seek to water. Oh, okay.

Okay, I'm first.

Patrick White.

Come on, you guys. It was the day OJ got off.

Okay. Anyway, my turn.

Okay.

I never shoplifted.

Forgive me, Lord.

You and I hardly knew each other then.

I don't recall you having a collection of sake cups before you worked at Ame.

No, that's stealing from work, not shoplifting.

Fine, I'm drinking.

In that case... Okay, okay, let's kick it up a notch.

I never had sex with a man whose name I didn't know.

What?

He didn't know my name either. Fair, fair.

Okay, it's my turn, it's my turn, it's my turn.

I never bungee jumped.

Okay, we're black women.

Except for Lynn on occasion.

There's something I want to ask you, but I don't know how to say it.

William, I told you once we're married, I'd think about it.

Really?

You want to move up the date?

No, actually, I do have an issue I want to raise with you.

I think we should have a prenuptial agreement.

Oh, of course we should. You're going to finish your spicy tuna.

That's it?

You're not upset? No pouting? No withholding sex?

Oh, really?

There'll be plenty of time for that after we're married.

the initial CS. Woo -hoo!

My own CW. Close enough.

I'm just going to...

I'm spontaneous. I even made a left. Look.

All the risky things I want to do with Form 40.

Scuba dive, the barrier reef. Yep. Trek through Nepal.

Uh -huh.

Change, now polish color.

I haven't worn the same color for seven years, but no more. Uh -uh. I'm sporting

Caltrans orange now, baby.

The only women who wear that color are trying to match their prison jumpers.

Okay.

why should we hide it? Why shouldn't we... Shut up!

You know, Joan has a point.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's just see what little Jesus has to say.

Who's little Jesus?

This is little Jesus.

I take him everywhere. That way I know our Savior is always with me. Tony.

Tony. You keep the Lord on a keychain?

So don't get out much.

It's weird, though, because I thought this was going to be a heightened sexual

experience, and it's really just lying around naked in the sun.

Told you, it's not about sex at all.

It's about letting yourself go, being free.

Now, if you want a heightened sexual experience, try naked square dancing.

eyes on me running into you guys is this a small world or what actually some

parts are quite large

Bye girls.

It's just what you were talking about only on paper.

Well, I guess I just didn't expect you to show up here with a fully drawn

prenuptial agreement.

William, I've clicked the force for you. Now, if things don't work out, it's

only fair that I be compensated appropriately. I can't believe you.

Here I am planning a wedding, and you're planning a divorce.

No, I'm not.

But the way I see it, I would have made lieutenant in two years, captain in

five. I would have had a nice little pension, maybe a kickback or two from

drug dealers.

What?

Oh, honey, you know I'm just kidding.

calculator. Wait a minute.

There's no way you would have been a part of a Krispy Kreme franchise.

I'm not paying for that.

Fine, make a Starbucks, but I'm not leaving without a small business.

How do you expect me to marry you when you won't trust me?

You're the one who brought up the whole prenup talk.

Well, maybe we should just forget the whole thing. Are you talking about the

prenup or the marriage?

Which one are you talking about? You brought it up.

Well, I'm for prenup. All those for canceling the prenup say aye. Aye. Okay.

Okay. All right. Fine.

Let's shake on one thing.

Let's say you get really big and grow facial hair and I'm forced to leave you.

My comic book collection staved intact.

All right.

And just in case you get on my damn nerves in general, you owe me a Krispy

franchise. I'll get you some flour and a rolling pin.

Fine. And I'll do a wait -and -two -exhale on all of you. All right, okay,

You can drive a hard - bargain, Miss Blackwell.

So do you, Mr. Dent.

God, I love you.

Lynn,

I can't get this crap off my nails.

Well, I usually just chew all mine off. Do you want me to, uh... No.

It was a joke, Joe.

Yeah, well, I'm not in the mood to laugh, okay? Or hell, go to dinner with

father. You still upset about seeing old Bill naked?

Just get over it. It's no big deal. Yes, it is.

You're right. Mom was crazy. How could she have divorced all of that?

Shut up, Lynn.

I'm not upset because my dad was naked. I'm really not.

It's just I see the man maybe once a year, and he came into town, and he

even pick up the phone to call me.

Well, sweetie, where would you have kept the cell phone?

Get off the naked jokes, okay?

Okay. Right, he should have called you. But, look, my parents haven't called me

once since I moved into the garage.

It's because you don't have a phone.

Oh, sure.

Side with them.

Okay, this is when you should be leaving. Get out.

All right, I'm going.

Bye.

Try to make the best of dinner tonight.

And thanks for letting me wash my clothes.

And eat dinner.

And make all my long -distance phone calls.

It's like you never moved out.

Head to 17 or I'll miss my transfer.

So, are you already, baby girl?

Don't call me baby girl, okay? If I was truly your baby girl, then you would

have called me.

Oh, hell, I was hoping we'd get through dessert and on to the cognac before you

launched into the heavy stuff.

Dad, how could you come into town and not even call me?

Especially on my birthday weekend.

I'm trying to take you to dinner for your birthday, but all you're doing is

fussing.

You still mad at me about the nudist jamboree?

No, I'm mad at you because a good father is supposed to call his daughter when

he comes into town.

No, no.

I'm supposed to teach you right from wrong. I did that.

I'm supposed to get you through college and law school. I did that.

I'm supposed to give you unconditional love, baby, and I do that.

Oh, yeah, and I'm supposed to, uh, take away those knucklehead boys.

Well, you can stop doing that because I'm still not married.

Come on, let's go eat.

No, we're not going anywhere. You didn't win that. I'm not done.

Oh, you better flash back to your crazy -ass, big -footed mama.

How's she doing anyway?

She's fine.

Now, stop, okay?

Next time you come to town for whatever, you need to call me a week ahead of

time. Fax me an itinerary, send a smoke signal, give me some sort of warning.

Joan?

I left my mama's house at 16. I left your mama's house at 37. I'm not doing

again. I won't do it again.

I'm sorry. I love you to death, but I don't follow anybody's rules but my own.

Fine. Then I'm not calling you next time I come to D .C. You don't have to.

Yes, I do.

By whose rules? The rules.

They're just out there, you know? They don't belong to any one person.

How did the daughter of a...

I don't know.

I do.

If you and my big -footed mama just stayed together, I wouldn't be so messed

Oh, baby girl.

So, Joan, how'd it go with your dad?

You know what? Actually, it was nice.

I made him drop a small fortune on dinner for not calling me. And then I

to stop fighting it and accept him for who he really is.

A bad father.

Now, I'm just playing.

I love my naked daddy.

Good for you, Joan.

Accepting your father's a big step for you. I told you I was going to rethink

30s. Okay, now, wait a minute.

You can accept your father for who he is, but you can't accept yourself for

you are.

Huh? Joan, you don't have to go around pinning your nails. Cal, trans, orange,

baby. They're going to nude beaches because that's just not who you are. And

you weren't who you are, these two thieving drunks couldn't be here.

Judge not lest ye be judged.

Okay, I don't need anybody to help me be me.

But I am glad that I can be me.

With you.

Yeah. And you're also glad she signs your timesheets every Friday, so stop

slugging up.

No, ask Kissing Maya's right, Joan.

Love you just like you are.

And you're the one that's always there for us. The one that keeps us all

together.

Look at you. You know, you are a great lawyer.

And you're a great best friend.

You could be a better Christian, but I'm not going to nitpick now.

And maybe the only risky thing you're looking for is just being friends with

Aw.

Thanks, cute guy.

Group hug?

Group hug. Group hug.

Okay, okay, okay.

Is this your Tony?

Mm -hmm. I'm salary bitch.

don't think he's in my laundry room. I scoured that beach. He has to be in

beach towns.

Tony, you need to let go of little Jesus.

It was a keychain.

It was made in Mexico.

I know that, Lynn.

But I just needed something to hold on to.

It gave me comfort.

Tony, just hold on to your faith.

Do you realize how hard it is to go from sinner to saved without the Christian

accessories?

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