Original subtitles

Darnell, Jamaica, what's some drama?

Tony slapped the crap out of Joan, okay? I knew it was just a matter of time

before that whole Greg situation blew up in her face.

See, I know I'm gonna regret this, but who's Greg?

You know what? You don't listen to anything I tell you, huh? Okay, listen

more time, all right?

Tony loved Greg.

But then Tony got engaged to Clay. But then Tony decided that she really wanted

Greg. But then Joan accidentally opened up her big mouth and told Greg about the

engagement. So, of course, Greg dumped Tony's cheating ass.

So when Joan finally told Tony that she had told Greg about the other guy, bitch

slapped.

And now Tony hates Joan, and I don't think they're ever gonna be friends

Wow, that's heavy.

So, um, you gonna get naked or what?

Dang, baby, you really missed your wifey, huh?

I have no idea how much I've missed you. Well, me and Miss Twyla have missed

you, too.

Uh -huh.

Oh.

Woman.

What? When did Miss Twyla go bald?

Um, let's see, baby, that's a whole other story.

I'm so glad you're still here.

Okay, look, baby.

I was just about to get in the shower. That's why I'm like this. And I heard

something, right?

So I came in to check it out. And she was already like that. I didn't help her

get that way or nothing.

Tony, tell her. Come on. I swear, baby. This is not how it looked.

It looks like Tony tried to seduce you to get back at me.

Damn, I guess it is how it looks.

Okay, well, look, you do what you need to do. Just do it quietly so I don't

to testify against you later.

I'm not going to hit you, Tony.

I'm sorry that I messed things up for you and Greg.

It was a misunderstanding.

But you trying to hurt me is not going to bring Greg back.

of your knee -jerk reactions, Tony. I am not a knee -jerk friend.

I love you, and I want to help you get through this.

But if you want this friendship to last, this kind of crap cannot happen again.

Okay, look, he wasn't going to sleep with me anyway.

I'm going to borrow your honey magazine. I'll get it back to you.

Hey. Hey.

You feel better?

Yeah.

No.

You're leaving for New York in the morning.

I should have never gone to Jamaica.

Look, baby, this whole bi -coastal thing is going to be just fine. I promise

I'll call you every night. And look, I got us these two -way pagers so we can

send each other love notes a thousand times a day.

Sean. What?

I'm terrible with technology. Aw, baby, don't cry.

Look, come here. I even sent you your first message. Look at this.

Ooh.

Can you do this as well as you type it?

Well, before you get yours.

Mm -hmm.

You sure you're okay with this whole Tony thing?

Sean, I told you, I don't want to talk about her. Okay, look, I just have one

thing to say, okay?

This woman is crazy. You do realize that.

She's my best friend.

Anyone who would do that to a best friend is not a friend.

I'd like to point out that you said two things.

Baby, I just want to make sure that you're okay. I'm okay because I'm with

Now, I want to do.

This, and this, and this, and... Uh -uh.

I'm not doing this.

Oh, come on, baby.

You can't go to New York with dirty laundry.

Okay. I'll do your laundry.

But you have to do this while I'm sitting on the washing machine. Wow.

We're working it out. I hope that means you hit her back.

Maya. Okay, fine, girl. Your business.

But you know, I'll hold her if you need me to.

Okay.

So, Sean, get off okay?

Sean.

Got off fabulously.

Oh, girl, I am so glad you got some.

What? I thought you came back early from Jamaica to get you some. Let me ask

you.

Have I...

out this brazilian wax and i'm changing girl he's tripping maya change is good

life is change if we don't change we die that's good mangoes

love anything you want on a gut okay i don't know what the hell you just said

but more importantly i don't know what the hell you're doing here well i lost

your key and i know you hate it when i break your windows no i meant i thought

left you in jamaica on a beach with a bellboy fella just keep yeah well and I

have to have just you for that plan to work. Oh.

Hey, girl, I am so glad you're not really in love with that man because

Dreadlock looked like he was looking for a green card.

Hey, Elaine, we gave you a ride back from the airport. The least you could do

was hold the elevator for us. Oh, it's okay, Willie.

The elevator couldn't have handled all three of us and my rock.

He came running. I didn't exactly run.

Maybe a light jog or a power walk, but I didn't run.

The point is, you still came.

He wasn't about to let a good thing get away.

I wasn't about to let a good thing get shot.

My Yvonne is going to quit the force for me.

Whoa, you're quitting your job for some man?

Girl, you need to be quiet. You don't even have a job.

Well, you know, if a girl's going to snag a lawyer, she's got to make some

concessions. But let's not bog down in the details when all you really want to

see is my rock. Oh, my hand is heavy. Let me lay it down.

You've got to let me through your engagement party.

Oh, Thursday night works for me. I wasn't thinking that early, but okay.

be small but festive.

Oh, small is fine.

Except for when it comes to my willy, my glock, and my rock.

me, was I right?

Don't you just love the sashimi?

Maya, you're supposed to pick it up with the chopsticks. I'm not trying to pick

it up, I'm trying to kill it.

Hey, it's healthy, it's fresh, and Joan's buying, so shut up before you

the rest of us. Excuse me, Lynn, I have a right to my own opinion, so you shut

up. Oh, look at us, we're back to normal, fighting over meaningless

that's the only thing I ever want us to fight over again.

That's my cue to say something.

Well, it's about time. I was wondering how long we're going to have to ignore

the fact that you bitch slapped Joan all over Jamaica.

What? I didn't slap her. You're right. I did. And for that, I'm sorry.

It shouldn't have happened. Just like last night shouldn't have happened.

Joan, I'm sorry.

I know, but thank you for saying it.

What happened last night? Nothing. Didn't sound like nothing. It's over and

we're moving on. See? Fresh food, fresh day, fresh start.

I don't know about you, Lynn, but I'm feeling a little outside of the sister

circle.

All right, look, I was hurt.

I just lost the love of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know all that, girl. What

happened last night?

I tried to sleep with Sean, okay?

Okay,

okay, okay, what I think she's trying to say is, oh, hell no.

I didn't know it was possible for Satan to be overthrown.

for the shumai.

Tony. Eat the damn shumai.

Tony tried to sleep with your man and you're here breaking fish with her?

Joan, even I'm shocked. You know what?

I don't need this.

Joan's okay with me. I'm okay with me and I'm not going to sit here and try

digest my food under your disapproving stares.

Joan, I will talk to you later.

What happened between Tony and me is between Tony and me.

I'm moving on.

She's moving on. Y 'all need to be moving on.

that anger cut her off tell her off do something other than yell at us i know

forgiveness is the christian way but so is an eye for an eye you need to blind

that bitch enough i don't need this right now can we just eat

fine whatever

This hair is curly.

Our hair is straight.

This must be one of yours.

You're shitting like an animal.

It's been happening for a few weeks. I'm going to a dermatologist.

Joan, it's classic.

You're not dealing with the stuff with Tony. It's stressing you out and causing

your hair to fall out.

You need to deal with your feelings. If you don't want to talk to us, please

talk to someone before you go bald.

Or maybe the reason that my hair is falling out is because everyone is

me I need to get rid of my best friend.

Maybe that's my problem.

Damn, girl, she done stuck us with the check.

Darn now, I'm telling you, Jones.

brought some of that hair home, because I know a place where you could use some.

Look.

I'm growing it back as fast as I can, okay? So don't go there.

Don't worry, I'm not. You know what, Tornado? And why haven't you?

You know, we haven't had sex in months, and now you're telling me you don't want

me just to get a couple of hairs missing?

You took my whole forest.

You know what?

It still doesn't add up.

Is there someone else?

As a matter of fact,

that I've changed since then.

I'm open to change.

Hey, I'm all about change.

But all I know is, before you hooked up with those girls, you never left your

son and ran off anywhere, waxed anything more than a car, or hung out with a

girl who would try and sleep with another girl's man.

That would be your mother.

And that's another thing you never used to do. Talk all bold about my mother.

How we got to your mother?

Look, baby, okay, the important thing is that my love for you hasn't changed,

okay?

Now, can I please, please have some?

And that's another thing, Maya.

Oh, hell, what?

You never used to beg for it. That was always my job.

Okay, fine.

Beg, then. Maya. Oh, hell, you done wore me down.

help you, help me.

Basically, I think I'm emotionally healthy. I mean, I have no ambition

Matter of fact, I'm not even 30 and I've made junior partner.

I'm a feel the fear and do it anyway kind of person.

I don't think there's any dark issues with my parents.

I mean, they're divorced, but whose parents aren't? I've got a man, which

year would have been a huge issue.

I have one little bit of confusion. Do I call you Dr.

Bales or, uh, Percy?

Percy? Yes, it's Percy.

It's the name that drove me to the whole notion of therapy and self -defense

class.

But I've embraced Percy, so you can call me Dr. Bales.

Okay.

So, Dr.

Bales, where do we start?

Well, so far you've told me why you don't need to be here. Suppose you tell

why you do need to be here. My hair's falling out.

I deal with what's inside your head, not what's on your head.

And on my couch.

If you'd like, I could refer you to a dermatologist.

Actually, one referred me to you.

I see.

So, why is your hair falling out?

I'm having an issue with a friend.

My best friend.

Then why don't we talk about that?

We meaning me.

I should start? That would probably be better. I'm doing just fine with my best

friend.

Give me Mark.

Mark Tony Childs. I'm in the middle of hot -ass Calabasas, and someone has

messed with my signage.

Huh?

What?

Damn.

I'm coming in.

So your friend Tony blames you for her breakup, physically assaults you, and

tries to sleep with your boyfriend, who is a recovering sex addict.

Just want to make sure I have my notes right.

I know, it sounds bad on paper, but you have to understand the history upon

which this friendship was founded and... Why am I talking like this?

I don't know, but I'm making a note of it. Okay, look.

I was eight years old. I was new in Fresno. I had thick glasses and everyone

thought I talked white.

Probably because you said things like the history upon which this friendship

founded.

Maybe I did, okay, but Tony was there for me.

She fought the bullies and even forced the cutest one to be my boyfriend.

Not to mention that she taught me makeup tips that I still use today.

And you think you still owe her for things that happened, what, 20 years

No, it's more like 19.

Why do you put Tony's feelings ahead of your own?

Because that's what you're supposed to... Huh?

From where I sit, this friend Tony sounds like poison.

Do you really want poison in your life? No.

I know.

I need to cut her out of my life.

But there's nothing like paying someone $150 to hear them say it.

Actually, it's $200. It's an extra $50 to get the couch cleaned. Next time,

a hairnet.

Joe must have some food around here.

This party sucks.

I have been to crime scenes more festive than this.

What are y 'all doing here?

Oh, nothing much. Just a once -in -a -lifetime event called our engagement

party.

Oh, my God.

Is that tonight?

I'm so sorry. Just give me five minutes, and I'll whip something together, and

this party will be fabulous.

Where's Tony?

Well, did he call?

No. I can't believe she's not here.

She is so selfish.

She has no boundaries, no responsibility, and now she has the

show up at one of my dearest friend's engagement parties?

Well, Joan, you barely put an appearance yourself there.

Oh, and whose fault is that?

Tony's, huh?

I have been driving around this town for hours trying to convince myself that

she is worth keeping.

My therapist is right. I don't need her.

She's poison.

Therapist? You going to therapy?

Joan, girl, black people don't go to therapy, girl. They go to church.

Well, I'm black, and I went to therapy, so there goes your theory, Maya. Maya,

don't you be yelling at me.

Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. Why should I be yelling at you? I should be yelling

at Tony.

Wait a minute. Just

wait a minute, Damon. You can wait.

Tony. Oh, thank God you're here.

Tony, we need to talk. We don't have time to talk. They're trying to

my car.

contract and try to find a loophole. Tony, you can't use me anymore.

Fine, then just bill me later. Help me save my Range Rover. I got my attorney

here. Don't you crank up my car, you bastard.

Why did I park on the street like common folk?

They took precious.

This is all I could grab before that scumbag turned the corner and split off

hood. You're kidding, right?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

car and this might not be a good time but not a good time you haven't even

the worst of it i haven't sold a house in three months i'm on probation at work

they took my desk they took my leave they pulled all my ads tony and how in

hell do they expect me to move a property when i can't get to the

everyone goes through a hard time is that all you got i need me another

oh you want another lawyer i'll get you another lawyer

We'll get through this.

Together. Thank you.

Well, how did it go? Did you end it with, uh, Tony?

Wow. You just jump right in there, don't you?

Well, I was hoping to end early today. They're coming to clean the couch.

Yes,

I did.

Ended it with Tony.

Wasn't easy, but it's done.

I think you'd be proud of me. The important thing is you're proud of

Yeah.

Yeah.

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