Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the blessed.

And the sacred moments of dizziness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

I mean, I'm very fond of Archie.

Really, I am.

But is that enough?

I mean, I can't help thinking that perhaps I'm just settling for Archie

he's nice and kind and will give me security and friendship and

loads of presents.

At least there's no problem with the sex.

I mean, that's really good since I trained him up.

What is it, 44, 46?

Um, 38.

38?

You made a mistake.

Well, I'll measure it again.

I'm not so tight, you're cutting off the circulation to my nipples.

Yep, you're right, I did make a mistake.

It's 37.

What's wrong with your tape measure, mate?

I've just got a bite to invite you to my stag night.

This is Tali, by the way.

My best man.

It's going to be seriously wild. Definitely not for the faint -hearted.

Archie, an ant just crawled out of your nose.

Damn, the bugger's still coming out. There goes another one.

Cool.

Snorted a great long line of them this afternoon.

It's perfectly all right. Just, uh... One of the things I have to do is part

D Company wedding routine.

The lads of D Company came up with a manual in 1952, and it's been a

ever since.

If you're getting married, you have to fulfil certain challenges in the week

leading up to the wedding.

For example, there I had to snort a line of ants, French kiss a Belgian tourist,

and relieve myself out of the window of a 73 bus.

Game on.

Why do you have to do all that? You're not even a Marine anymore.

It goes very deep, Martin. Once you've been a Marine, that's it.

It's in your blood. It's there for life.

Once I've flushed these ants out of my nose, I'm going to the nearest municipal

library, where I shall leave my bottom print on the ceiling.

Thanks for agreeing to give me away, Martin.

I'm honoured.

I didn't really want to ask any of my stepdads.

So you thought of me.

Well, I wanted to ask my real dad, but I don't really know where he is.

So you thought of me.

Actually, then I rang my old English teacher, Mr Thurgeon.

He's just had his legs off. He hasn't quite got the hang of the wheelchair

He thought of me?

Yeah. Yeah, then I thought of you.

Hello?

It's Matt on his mobile, calling from his bedroom.

He said, can you do him another couple of pancakes before you go to work?

Tell him I've gone.

Oh. Um, I'm sorry, Matthew, Martin's already left for work.

Oh, what a shame.

Martin's gone to work.

He's only going to miss his postcard from Claire in Australia.

Matt, give it to me.

Oh, dear, Matt.

Shane and me are having a lot of shag than Shane, sir. What?

Rosie's doing fine. I haven't seen her for a while, but she was having a great

time playing with the dingoes the last time I saw her.

What does it really say?

I can read it right.

She's got married.

It's a shame.

It was a spur of the moment thing.

I'm sorry to spring it on you like this.

Rosie sends her love.

Oh, God, Mark, are you OK?

I'll never be able to look at another koala bear again.

My sister always got away with everything.

And I always got punished.

Whenever Dad told Claudia off, she'd say, but Daddy, I love you.

And he'd give her a great big hug and say, you're a good girl, really.

I tried it myself once.

But when I said, but Daddy, I love you, my dad went bright red and screamed, for

Christ's sake, act like a man, not a bloody great woolly wot.

And he gave me a clip round the ear, made me do a thousand press -ups and

stopped my pocket money for five years.

I should have realised then that all women are bastards.

A man is as bad as the rest of them.

Still, if Archie wants to marry her, it's his lookout.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to propose a toast to Randy and Archie.

What do you think?

It's not quite right, is it?

It's not your traditional wedding speech.

It was good. I liked it.

Hiya.

How are you feeling now, Matt?

Don't talk to me, man.

I'm going to avoid the company of women from now on. They just remind me of her.

Oh, that's a shame.

I thought you might want to come out on my hen night.

There'd be loads of lovely women there.

You might meet someone.

I really think that's what you need to take your mind off Claire.

You hear what he said, man?

He hates women now.

I don't want to go out with a big bunch of giggling girlies swapping tips on

recipes, do you, Mark? No, I certainly don't. I didn't think any of my friends

know any recipes.

They're much more likely to be getting drunk, folding their napkins into the

shape of a penis, trying to take Martin's trousers off.

Have I got time for a bath before we go?

So, how are the challenges going?

Pop.

Give a blowjob to a family pet and... Why, photographic evidence. Would you

to see? Yeah.

Odd sensation, but not unpleasant, and Beryl seemed to quite

enjoy it.

Mandy won't be back for ages. She's out on her hen night.

I know. I came to see you.

It's not to do with one of your challenges, is it?

No, nothing like that.

I just want to make absolutely certain that you're coming to the wedding.

I've accepted my invitation, haven't I? Yes, I know, but Mandy seemed to think

that she probably wouldn't turn up.

The thing is, I've noticed that Mandy gets terribly upset every time the

of the wedding is mentioned, and, well, I'm not the most sensitive, brightest

chap in the world, but it doesn't take a genius to work out that Mandy's worried

because she thinks you won't be coming.

Well, I'm like a brother to her.

So you'll come?

It's not that I don't want to come, Archie. I do want to come.

The problem is I can't.

Why not?

I don't have to explain it to you.

I've got this problem, right?

Personal, private.

To do my kidneys.

Can't go to the wedding. End of story.

Mandy told me that...

Your parents died in a car crash and that ever since you've suffered from

agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia? What do you think I am, some sort of girl?

I had a similar thing after a tour in Northern Ireland.

Saw a couple of muckers splattered against the wall.

Couldn't face daylight for six months.

Post -traumatic stress disorder, they call it.

Didn't make me feel any better to know its name.

Look here.

I know it's a bit odd to talk about feelings to another chap.

But sometimes it helps to know that someone else understands.

So if you want to talk about it... Talk about

it, yes.

Step outside and what's the first thing that happens?

I feel the devil's breath in my face.

It smells like all the dead people there's ever been.

I try and walk, but the pavement's soft and wormy, sucking at my shoes.

And it starts bubbling up into a sea of boiling pus seething around my ankles.

I start to run, but my legs don't work. And I'm slipping, slipping down,

down. And it's hot there.

Coils of grey, slimy matter thrash against my skin.

Acid. not burns my eyeballs.

And suddenly, suddenly I realize where I am. I'm inside the devil's intestines.

And I see my mum and dad there.

Mum's face is all burnt off.

Dad's brain is hanging out of his head.

I call out to the mum, dad, it's me, Matt.

But they don't hear me.

And then I sort of come to, and I'm lying on the pavement about two feet

from the front door.

I'm insane, aren't I?

Good Lord, no, that all sounds absolutely normal to me.

Does it, really?

Do you think I've got that traumatic postal order thingy that... Sounds very

much like it. Tough nuts often get it the worst.

I must be a right double R bastard.

I'm afraid the only way to get over it is to start going outside again.

OK.

Fair enough.

Not a problem.

I'll go to the wedding.

I've met someone.

Hilary brought her along. Her name's Rachel. Isn't it wonderful?

I'm over Claire at last.

She's out of my life. That's it. Finito. The end.

Well done, Mark.

Oh! So, what's this Rachel like?

She's exactly like Claire.

Except for her hair, but that can be changed.

She's a teacher, not a nurse, but she's been considering a career change.

And she's English, not Irish, but she could be trained to speak with an Irish

accent, you're sure?

You having a good time?

You see?

Lovely,

isn't she?

Hi. What?

Just being friendly.

No, I won't have sex with you.

You are so cynical, Mandy Wilkins.

I am. Just trying to save time.

It's your last day as my flatmate.

Has it ever occurred to you that I might just want to have a conversation?

No.

So these eyes have seen a few sights, eh?

Had a ringside seat of the action there, mate.

She did it!

Did you want something?

No, as I said, I just want to have a talk.

If you must know, I've been a bit nostalgic.

We've had some good times, the three of us, haven't we?

I give up. When?

Still packing?

Make sure you don't leave anything behind.

Yes, I will.

Like that bundle of love letters you've got taped to the back of the third

drawer down, for example.

Matt!

And that little notebook of your poetry sewn in the hem of the curtain.

That notebook is deeply, deeply personal, Matt.

I know.

We are walls, our beds are prairie.

You're my pack leader.

Strong!

Failure at having a career. I'm a failure at bloody everything.

Oh, Mandy, stop here. Come on. You're a bride -to -be. You're supposed to be

happy. I know, but I'm not.

Well, at least you'll be getting away from me and Matt, eh?

And only yesterday you said we were a couple of cretinous no -hope der

Yeah, that's true.

There you are, then.

Right, I'm off to meet Rachel now. See you later.

Would you mind buggering off as well, please, Matt? I want to be alone for a

bit. Yeah, sure.

No problem.

There was just one thing, man.

Under an ancient law, technically, I'm lord of the manor and you're one of my

vassals.

I've got it all written down in this book I've got. It's called Droit de

Seigneur. What it means, basically, is I'm entitled to shag you on the eve of

your wedding.

But there's any particular time that suits... I

don't think that was necessary.

Rachel, this may seem like a strange request, but could you just try saying

something in an Irish accent?

Be Jesus.

Be Gora.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

And not to do it in a silly way.

But whatever for?

Just say something normal, anything.

Try saying, Martin, would you give my feet a rub? I've had a terrible day on

ward, so I have.

Please, Rachel, it's very important.

Did you get... Look, this is ridiculous. You're so stupid.

I'm sorry. I'm going too fast.

The accent's not crucial. We can come back to that.

Look, Martin, I'm really not into any weird stuff.

Oh, nor me.

Look, I bought you a present.

I think I know what this is.

What?

Cuddly toys.

So stop.

Do you ever feel like we're rushing into marriage a bit hastily?

When you know something's right, there's no need to wait.

And you're absolutely sure this is right?

Absolutely.

What does that mug want?

Is it love?

I'm just worried because I don't really think you know what I'm like.

I'll be a horrible wife.

I'll spend all your money.

I won't like any of your stuck -up friends.

I'll probably have loads of affairs.

Maybe it's better if you just chuck me.

You're not serious?

Mandy, if this was a roundabout way of saying you'd like to break it off, I

you'd just tell me.

Do you want to break it off?

No.

No, of course not.

Well, that's fine, then.

I know you're nervous. It's only natural.

But you've made up your mind you're going to do it, so you might as well

out and finish getting ready.

Are you crying in there?

Don't cry. You'll get puffy eyes.

You don't want your picture taken with puffy eyes, do you?

Look, please open the door. We'll look after you, I promise.

What's the matter with you?

You all right, then? Of course I am. I'm fine.

I'm a double -hearted...

Double heart bastards.

Double heart bastards.

Hello?

Yes?

What sort of problem?

That's no good. The bride's supposed to be in Berkshire in two hours' time.

Well, sorry's not good enough, I'm afraid.

Nor is very sorry.

Triple heart bastards.

Look, you'll have to find us another car straight away, and I'm staying right

here on the line until you do... Hello?

Hello?

Why is the limo here?

The limo's not coming, Mandy. They've accidentally double -booked us.

A more important customer has to be picked up.

What more important customer?

Boethius Drummer's girlfriend's dog.

God,

we're supposed to be leaving in a couple of minutes. Don't worry, I'll find us

another limo. You just finish getting ready.

Not bad for a girl from Humber, eh?

I bet they wouldn't recognise me.

Do you remember how all those kids at school used to take the mickey out of me

so I used to wear that same holey orange jumper with a green reindeer on the

front every day?

Beverly Treadgold told everybody I'd end up getting married in that jumper.

I just wish she could see me now.

My antique lace dress by Fabrizio Ibbani.

300 quid shoes.

My enormous diamond ring.

We should go.

OK.

Matt, can you hold up my dress at the back so it doesn't trail?

Not that high.

Give me the rent before you disappear.

I'm afraid I can't think about that right now, Matt.

I'm being a fairy tale princess.

Take me to my carriage.

I couldn't get another limo, sorry.

Dennis and Ursula's Nissan!

I put the ribbons on myself.

If they could see you now, amen.

It smells a bit of dog pee, but Ursula says you get used to it after a while.

It's all right, Matt.

Come on, one foot in front of the elevator.

Matt bet me that you'd bottle out at the last minute, but I said you wouldn't.

I said there's no way Mandy would bottle out. She really wants that antique

jewellery of Archie's grandma's.

I mean, not that that's why.

I'm really going to miss you, though.

I hope you won't be too grand to speak to me once you're married.

I'm sure you'll need some advice about clitorises and stuff soon.

I can see you want to be left to your own quiet thoughts, so I'll just shut

I'm glad you're so happy, man.

Dear God, I know I haven't prayed since 1985 when I asked for my orange reindeer

jumper to be struck by lightning.

It didn't help me then, but please help me now.

Please let something happen to stop the wedding.

Perhaps you could arrange for Archie to have a stroke.

Just a little one.

A really, really tiny one. Leaving no lasting damage.

Oh, my God.

I think we're here.

No, we know we're late.

Good Lord.

But he's late too.

Look, if you drive round for a few minutes and come back, huh?

He's still not here, I'm afraid.

Probably got cold feet, changed his mind about the whole thing.

Perhaps he's gone with another woman.

What's

going

on? Where's Archie?

I'm sure he won't be long.

We sent all the other guests inside.

Well, I'm not driving around anymore.

You'd better get Matt out.

You look just like...

wonderful.

It is me you like, isn't it?

Not just the wig. Of course.

Look, I've got you another present.

aren't you?

He is making me look a right idiot and he better have a bloody good excuse.

Yes, he does.

He's dead.

There was an accident. He lost control of his car.

Terrible, ghastly thing to happen.

I must find Archie's parents.

Ouch, he's dead.

Get him off!

Can I have the car keys, Martin?

Would you like me to drive now?

I suspect you just needed a bit of space to think, did you?

Could you just tell me where you're going?

I'm going to crash the car and kill myself.

If you crash the car, you'll kill me as well.

What do you care?

You're like shit anyway.

I didn't die yet. It's not my time.

And if you crash the car, you might not just kill us. You might kill people in

another car.

Or even people out walking.

You might kill a top heart surgeon who saves people's lives every day, or a

sweet little baby in a Thaler suit.

No.

Some of them might have dogs waiting for them at home.

Dogs? Yes.

Little puppies waiting patiently for their master to get home.

Little tiny, soft, cuddly puppies wondering why nobody comes to take them

walk or to give them a boneo.

Because of you, they might starve to death in some dark corner, forgotten and

unloved by anyone.

Let me make a noise a bit like this.

Rachel phoned while you were at the shops.

She said you're a weird, twisted pervert and she never wants to see you again.

Twisted?

No one's ever thought I was that interesting before.

Sis is going to burn the present you've bought her.

I thought she'd look good in a nurse's uniform.

Oh, well.

Funeral's Wednesday, apparently.

You will go, won't you? What's the point? Archie's dead.

Archie was my best friend.

I thought I was your best friend. No, Archie was.

The only one that's ever understood me. Both our lives were touched by tragedy.

Is more so now, of course

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Hello, Mandy.

You shot off yesterday. I didn't get a chance to explain what happened.

It's all right, I know.

Yesterday in the car, I... I've been owed for Archie to have a very small

stroke.

It's my fault, I suppose.

I'm to blame.

Yeah, looks like it.

But he didn't have a stroke or anything like that.

Well, you know Archie. He's as healthy as a horse.

Well, he was, before he died.

So what happened then?

As you know, Archie had been carrying out the D Company challenges all week.

He'd performed quite brilliantly.

And on the morning of the wedding, he had only one last challenge left to

perform.

He had to be stopped for speeding on his way to the church.

It was an odd thing.

No -one wanted to stop him.

He banged the speed up to over 100, and then a rabbit ran out into the road.

Well, you know how mad he was on animals.

He swerved to avoid the rabbit, lost control, and crashed into a farmyard.

So, although Archie was killed, he saved the life of a rabbit.

Yes.

Unfortunately, seven sheep, two goats, four dogs, and one goat were lucky.

But it looks like the farmer's going to pull through.

Stupid challenges.

I hope this means there's going to be a stop to all that.

No, actually.

We've inaugurated a new challenge in honour of Archie. The Archie Glenister

Flattener Badger Challenge.

It's what he would have wanted.

Anyway, I've got to go.

Take care, Mandy.

And I'll see you all at the funeral.

It's funny.

I thought I didn't love Archie.

So why do I feel so alone?

You're not alone, man. You've got us.

Yeah, you'll always love us, man.

We'll always be there for you, for all your ups and downs, won't we, man?

Come rain or shine.

Through thick and thin.

Through hell and high water.

Like the three musketeers.

God, I think I need to lie down.

What is it they say?

All for one. And one for all.

Make the girl a cup of tea, Mark. She's got a funny colour.