Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the blessed.

And the sacred moments of silliness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

4 .23.

Dennis takes library books back.

Hello?

Listen mate, I think I'd know if I was living with someone called Jeremy.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Tosser.

Daddy.

Daddy.

Daddy.

You've been great about all this, Martin.

I know you've always wanted to travel.

I think you're really brave going off to Australia on your own.

Well, it's not exactly on my own. No, right.

You'll have Rosie with you.

Well, I... Oh, I'd like you to take a picture of me with you so Rosie doesn't

forget me.

I don't know what you're packing.

God, Claire, who packed this? You don't put shoes on top of underwear.

Oh, look.

Those are too small for her now. I don't know how they got packed. Oh, can I

have them?

If you like.

Leave that, Marta. I'll sort it out later.

Isn't it funny the way Rosie's shoes make your shoes look so massive?

It's a sort of optical illusion, isn't it? I mean, in reality, they're just

normal girl -sized fives, but next to Rosie's shoes, they look just like...

These are men's shoes, aren't they?

Yeah.

They're Shane's.

You remember Shane?

Yes.

What are his boots doing at... He's going with you.

I didn't realise.

That's him now.

Hi there, Martin. How are you going?

All right, then?

Hello, Martin.

I won't let them do this to me.

I'm a human being. I have feelings.

She can't just give my daughter to another man.

I'm going to see my lawyer about it.

I won't be treated like a dormer any more.

Too right, mate.

You done my ironing yet?

Hiya.

I thought you were. No.

I expect you're feeling a bit lonely and frustrated with your fiancé, are you,

man? No.

Very trusting of him to go off on business and leave you alone at home,

surrounded by temptation.

I think I can just about resist.

I've seen the way you behave when a new bloke comes your way.

It's like you've never seen a member of the opposite sex before. It's pathetic.

You've got no self -control.

This is Laura from upstairs.

Hi.

My husband and I have moved into the flat above. I just wanted to warn you

I've got builders coming round tomorrow.

That's very thoughtful of you, Laura.

My name's Matthew, by the way.

Here's my card. All my details are on there.

Name, address, phone number, fax number, mobile number.

Email address.

Pager.

What do you do?

Um... I'm a freelance.

A freelance?

What?

Play the guitar.

Right.

Right, I'll be off then.

Don't worry, I'll see myself out. I really hope the builders don't... stab

too much.

Well, is that impressed her?

Okay, let me check the facts with you. She dumped you. She didn't tell you she

was pregnant with your baby.

She had Rosie in secret. In fact, when you saw her with the baby one day, she

pretended Rosie was someone else's.

In the end, she was forced to admit the truth and she allowed you limited access

to Rosie.

Mainly when she wanted to go and have sexual intercourse with other men.

And now she and her boyfriend have decided to take Rosie off to Australia,

that correct?

Yes.

But apart from that, she's been a really wonderful girlfriend.

Let me stop you there for a moment.

If I can just explain that, so far, this consultation has cost you £213,

of which...

132 have been spent on you telling me about Claire's, um, sweet, chunky

calves, her lovely, clean smell, and the little high cries

she used to emit when she reached climax.

Sorry. That's quite all right.

Do you think you can help me?

Yes, I do indeed.

As you know, when I fought my own custody battle, I got unlimited access.

Little Bruce, Verity, Georgina.

Georgina's very gifted at drawing.

A terrific sense of humour.

Actually, I'm not sure if I want to go ahead with it.

Oh, sure, you can walk out of here, forget the whole thing.

I haven't got the stomach for it, I understand.

But if you do walk out, the likelihood is that you'll never see Rosie's baby

blue angel's eyes and adorable little buttony nose ever again. But if

that's your decision... No, no, that's not my decision. I want my daughter to

stay in England.

Excellent.

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.

Isn't it being a bit of a sod?

Dirty, just hanging out in the flat.

I hear you ask.

Well, I'll tell you. You wait till you hear this.

I was shagging Laura from upstairs.

Laura! Shh, Max.

He's got to tell her about the brain tumour. He's got this. No, I don't think

so. Let them snatch a few brief weeks of happiness while they can.

I've been shagging Laura from upstairs.

We knocked over a couple of pot plants while we were rolling around the room in

an animalistic frenzy. There was mud everywhere.

She cleaned it up before she went home, though. She's a good kid.

What are you talking about? You haven't been shagging Laura.

I have.

She had a row with her husband and I comforted her.

She needed a lot of comforting.

Come on, surely you don't expect us to believe that.

Oh, God, you're really losing your touch, Matthew.

It was more convincing that time you said our postman was Elvis.

Oh, it's sweet, really.

Laura from up there.

If she finds you're mad, it'll squirt like you.

You don't believe me, then?

Come into my bedroom and look at my sheets.

You'll find all the proof you need there.

Sorry, mate, you've cried wolf too many times.

Yeah, but it's true this time.

I'm seeing her tomorrow as well, but it's supposed to be a secret, though,

because she's scared her husband might find out, so she can only come round

you two are out. Oh, how terribly convenient.

But it's true!

I don't care if you believe me or not, because I've just had the seven best

shags of my life.

registered for you, Mark.

Why didn't you tell me you were trying to get a court order to stop me taking

Rosie away?

I'm afraid I don't want to argue with you in front of our daughter, so if you

don't mind, I'll ask Matt to take Rosie into the kitchen for a bit.

Hello, Rosie.

Hello, it's me, Daddy.

upset about Shane and all, but it's not like we're getting married or anything.

It's just one of those lust things. You know, instant physical attraction.

It's just sex, Marsh.

Nothing deep or meaningful, just great sex.

That's the problem, Claire.

I keep imagining that Shane's a much better lover than me.

With a much bigger todger.

That's really silly of me, isn't it?

You're supposed to be worried about losing Rosie.

I am, I am. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Well, you could stop all this court rubbish and leave us alone.

You'll see Rosie again in a year or two and she'll soon find out who you are

again. She doesn't even know who I am now.

Ma 'am, we're just having a private time. I know. I was in the kitchen. I

hear.

Look, I know this isn't really any of my business, but...

I don't think you realise how much Rosie means to Martin.

Mandy, I'm sure you mean well, but Martin can speak for himself.

Well, no, he can't.

I mean, come on. We both know what an inarticulate twit he can be.

God knows, I'm not saying you should get back with him. In fact, I'm sure

dumping him was absolutely the right thing to do.

Hopefully you helped, man. I'll be all right now.

Little girls need their dads, Claire.

I grew up without my real dad and I missed him every day.

Don't do that to Rosie.

Look, I... I know how to look after Rosie.

I know what's best for her, and I know what she needs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look at you two. It's silly to mess about with verbal abuse.

Why don't the pair of you sort this out with a wrestling match?

Of course, it's traditional to wrestle naked.

In custard.

I'm not sure if we've got any custard. We do have marmalade, though.

What have you done with Rosie? Oh, she's fine.

perfectly happy in my bedroom watching Henry Portrait of the Serial Killer.

The little eyes lit up every time he came on. Daddy, she says.

And anyway, Wally presumes that it's a well -known fact that Australians have

smaller than average todgers.

Exhibit A.

You've got to believe me now.

You can't argue with this kind of evidence.

These are...

Nickel. Fresh off her this afternoon.

Want a sniff?

Martin, want a sniff?

I am a father.

So, you believe me now about Laura, right?

We could have got those from Mandy's room.

Beige nylon?

You have to be joking.

In fact, I don't believe Laura would be seen dead in beige nylon knickers

either. So where did I get them from then?

I don't know. Maybe they're an old pair of your mum's.

Do you hear what she said, Mark? Oh!

My mum's dead, Mandy, dead!

You're right. I'm sorry, it was a terrible thing to say.

I'm sure your mum couldn't possibly have had such awful taste in underwear.

It's quite simple.

Laura wears nylon knickers because she's got a thing about synthetic fibres.

They really turn her on.

You know, polyester, nylon, viscose.

She gets off on the way man -made fabrics don't let her skin breathe, if

must know. She likes the sweat.

Go ahead, laugh.

But I pity you kids with your simple, innocent ways.

Laura and I are exploring the dark side of our sexuality.

What we do together is not just Janet and John normal stuff. It's right on the

edge. We're pushing back the boundaries of...

Shedding technology!

You have wronged me with your mocking ways.

But I have the truth on my side.

I forgive you.

Claire regularly steals heroin from the hospital dispensary.

She hangs around playgrounds and sells it to kids.

Often she puts a drop of heroin in Rosie's bottle to stop her crying at

Excellent, Martin.

Outstanding work.

None of it's actually true, I'm afraid.

No matter, no matter. True or not, the bitches have got it coming to them

way.

Sorry, who do you mean?

I mean women, of course.

Women. But Claire's not really a bitch, you see. I understand, Martin.

She's still got her tiny talons deep into your skin. I know all about that.

I was like that for a while.

You see, it wasn't really like that. They get an itch in their pants and they

have to scratch it.

Sorry to be crude, but there it is. She didn't. I mean, she was... Josie, that's

my ex -wife.

She had the itchiest pants in Islington.

I don't even have an itch in her pants. She just thought I was boring.

I gave her everything she wanted.

Teeth, tits, tummy tuck.

I paid for it all, but only last year. I gave her a nose job.

Nobody could say that I wasn't a good husband.

I don't know what happened to her, Martin.

Maybe they accidentally hoovered up her milk of human kindness during one of her

liposuction sessions.

That little shaving cut on your chin started to bleed. Were you like a hanky?

Didn't a shaving cut.

I wish it were.

It's a bite mark.

Bruce, my one -year -old, bit me last night.

when I tried to kiss him goodbye.

He bit me, Martin.

I'm his father.

And he sank his teeth into me rather than let me kiss him goodbye.

Sometimes, Martin.

Sometimes.

Have you been following the cricket at all?

I don't go with your lawyer.

I've had to fire him.

I think he's gone a bit mad.

He spent 20 minutes with his head on his desk, sobbing.

Maybe because I charged you for that.

Only half price, you did.

So, do I just have to give up on getting Claire and Rosie to stay in the

country? No, I'm not giving up.

Well, you'll have to, won't you?

There's another alternative.

But I'm afraid it's top secret.

But I'll just tell you.

I'm going to snatch Rosie and go to Brazil.

Have I got a video for you to... Oh, that's burning my fingers, that is.

I can't watch a video now.

I'm trying to sort out menus for the wedding.

I don't know why vegetarians can't eat chicken like normal people. It's so

selfish.

I can't watch a video either because I'm organising a kidnapping followed by

fleeing the country and starting a new life in Brazil.

It's bloody complicated and stressful.

But it's video proof that me and Laura have been shagging each other's bollocks

off. It's the film they tried to ban.

Double, triple, X -rated sex action. Watch this, losers.

So what?

That's my bed!

You're in my bed!

Yeah, we like a bit of variety.

Thank God I'm moving out. Thank God.

Don't call that proof. You can't see anything.

Yeah, I know. It's a bit awkward because I had to hide the camera.

You wait, though, mate. You'll see, all right. Any second now.

in my bed, waving your foot about, and you expect us to take that as proof?

It's pathetic!

I do admit, the soundtrack of the girly noises was quite authentic. I suppose

you dabbed it on or something, did you?

No, no, that was Matt.

He's dead good at doing impressions of girls having sex.

Actually, it does this brilliant impression of you, man, the noise you

I really am sagging, Laura.

Please, believe me!

I know I've lied about stuff in the past.

But this time, I promise it's true.

I promise. I promise. I promise.

You don't believe me, do you?

You're ruining this affair for me.

How am I supposed to get any pleasure out of shagging Laura if no one believes

me?

There. All right. Happy now?

You do realise I'm probably going in... saying thanks to you.

Thanks for calling up your lawyer, Martin.

It would have been awful to fly off next Tuesday if we weren't friends.

Thanks for agreeing that I can look after her for a whole day on Monday.

That's OK.

What are you planning to do with her?

Oh, nothing special planned.

Just playing, mucking about.

Can I pick up at 5 .45am, please?

What's nurse for?

I've just never spent an early morning with her. I just thought it would be

nice. OK, if it'll make you happy.

I was wondering the other day, just out of interest, has she had her inoculation

against diphtheria?

Of course she has.

She had it at two months.

And what about tetanus, whooping cough, polio, measles, mumps and rubella?

She's had them all now, Martin.

Why are you asking me this? Just checking.

I'll go see if she's waking up yet.

Do you want to come and see her?

Yeah, I'll finish my tea.

What shall we do with the hungry Rosie?

What shall we do with the hungry Rosie? What shall we do with the hungry Rosie?

She hasn't had her tea yet.

Well, we'll mash up some potato and chicken and cheese. We'll mash up some

potato and chicken and cheese.

We'll mash up some taste of our chicken and peas.

And then we'll mash up our banana.

You look lovely together.

I mean, I don't usually see you together.

Normally it's just me picking her up or dropping her off.

Yeah, so -so.

There's a bond between you, isn't there?

I hope so. I'm her mum.

Yeah, but it's really deep, isn't it?

I mean really deep.

I didn't realise how deep it is.

Daddy's here, Rosie.

Say hello to Daddy.

Next Monday.

I'll pick her up normal time.

About 11 o 'clock.

OK, listen up, you guys.

I've thought up a brilliant plan.

This afternoon, when Laura thinks you're out, you two will hide somewhere in

this room.

Stop, Francis!

No, no, listen, man.

It's the only way I can prove I'm telling the truth.

That's a ridiculous idea.

It's so obvious you want us to hide so you can laugh at us for believing you.

Neither of us was stupid enough to go along with that.

It's sticking out a bit on the left, mate.

Now wedge yourself in next to the window.

Further, further.

That's it.

God, I've got cramp. I've lost all feeling in my left leg. Stop moaning,

woman.

I came as soon as I

could. I think Nigel's getting suspicious.

I'm not wearing any knickers.

Oh, you poor thing.

I didn't realise the pair you left was your only pair.

They're not silly.

I mean, I'm not wearing any on purpose.

Oh, my God.

That's 100 % acetate, isn't it? Oh, this old thing?

Isn't it synthetic fibre?

Come to my room.

No!

I think it's some sort of Terralyn mix.

Come on, why are you so nervous?

The other day you wanted us to make love in every bed in the flat.

I just think it'd be better if we...

He was telling the truth. He is having an affair with Laura.

Oh, very good.

He's got you in on his pathetic little fantasy now, has he?

I have to admit, Matt, the complexity of this lie is really quite impressive.

Martin's an eyewitness, aren't you, Mark?

You've got to believe me now.

Well, I don't.

She says she's mad about me.

She says she's hooked on my pheromones.

Look for the spot.