Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the blessed.

And the sacred moments of dizziness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Weasel.

Beaver!

Partridge. Good choice.

Wish I was coming.

No. Your mum and your sister want to get to know me better without you there.

It's a girls' dinner.

Can you get partridge in Tesco, do you think?

You should get it from a caretree, don't you?

Sad part.

No, I think I'll do the growl.

Excellent. Mother will be delighted.

She's written several books on cooking game.

That it is, then.

Are you off?

Yeah, yeah.

I've got a small present for you first, Maddy.

I wonder if he's got those emerald earrings that she keeps dropping hints

Or that ruby pendant she keeps dropping hints about. Or the diamond bracelet.

Say anything.

Archie's from a different world to us. They have different ways.

This is what Archie's grandfather gave to Archie's grandmother when they got

engaged. He shot it himself.

Bloody good shot, wasn't he?

It must be a bit embarrassing for you, man. Archie's family, practically

aristocracy. Your family, practically gorillas.

It is not embarrassing at all. I am who I am.

Archie's family will have to take me as they find me. I certainly won't be

putting on any airs and graces for them.

Won't you?

I would if I were you, ma 'am.

Nothing in the world smells as lovely as Rosie's head, Matt.

It's a sort of vanilla smell.

No, hang on, not vanilla.

Butterscotch. Here, you have a sniff.

You sure, Matt?

I can't stop.

I'm hooked.

Go on, you'll like it. She won't mind.

Get it away from me.

I don't want to smell the kids out, all right?

God's sake, Mark, where's your self -respect?

What kind of man are you?

It's girls who go around smelling babies' heads, not men.

It's one little sniff, wouldn't it? I said no.

I'm a bloke.

I have no interest in babies. I think they're repulsive, fat blobs.

If you were any sort of proper bloke, you'd think the same.

Actually, I don't think I am a proper bloke. I don't know if I want to be one.

Not if it means you can't smell babies' heads.

You don't want to be a proper bloke? No, not necessarily.

There's all sorts of things a chap can be these days, isn't there?

It can be a bloke or a lad or a new lad.

You don't want to be a proper bloke! It can be a guy or a chap or a fella.

We're blokes!

I am a man.

All right.

You're a man.

Fine. I have no problem with that.

You're a bloke as well, aren't you?

There, I think that's everything.

Oh, I bought her a new coat if you want to bring her out anywhere.

Oh.

Oh, is it mother care?

Or is it baby gap?

No.

Oshkosh bigosh?

Oh, I love it in there.

All the little tiny clothes.

Yeah, they have to be small, Mark.

They're to fit babies.

I'm not saying that. Look at the baby bears.

Yeah, I've seen these coats.

You can get pink baby bears with green hearts and red baby bears with yellow

hearts, but brown baby bears and blue hearts is definitely the coolest. Don't

you think so, Matt? Don't you think Rosie will look cool?

Cool? Your daughter.

I think not, Matt.

It's really nice of you to help me out again, Martin.

Very busy these days.

Still seeing that, Shane?

Oh, on and off.

Anyway, thanks for all the babysitting.

You're my dad, aren't I?

Yeah, you are.

To be honest, Martin, I do find it difficult seeing you as a proper father

figure. Would it help if I grew a moustache?

Oh, Martin, it's not like you do anything wrong.

Well, it's more like you just don't do anything at all.

I mean, look at this armchair of yours.

a little dent where you rest your head against it.

And look at the feet.

A perfect imprint of your buttocks.

And right.

And there on the carpet in front, two threadbare patches where you put your

feet.

You're perfectly a vegetable. No, not a vegetable, because at least they grow.

You don't even do that.

You're more like a... like a compost heap.

Sitting there, quietly decaying into a brown mulch.

What kind of an example is that for a little girl?

I don't just sit there, Claire.

Look, there's a worn path leading down to the kettle.

Do

you

think I'm brown mulch, Mandy?

What?

No, don't tell me.

I'm sorry, Mark, but I can't get involved at the moment. I've got my own

on. Are you supposed to be cooking now?

Yes, I am.

But I've been traipsing around the shops for five hours trying to find the right

outfit. In the end, I had a brilliant idea.

I bought exactly the same outfit that Lady Peverell, the famous society

is wearing in this week's Country Life.

for Archie's best bread.

Calm down, Madge. It's only a dinner.

It doesn't really matter what you wear.

I mean, earlier you said they'd have to take you as they found you.

Yeah, you said you were as good as them any day.

Yeah, you said you wouldn't be putting on airs and graces to impress them.

But I was talking bollocks!

I'm cold as coke!

The whole engagement will have to be called off. I'll have to give Archie his

diamond ring back and just forget the whole thing. Sly slapper. Do not handle

me! Here, have a vodka to calm your nerves.

I don't know what you're worried about. Me and Martin would be there to keep an

eye on you.

What?

You're not coming. I haven't invited you.

Yeah, but we live here.

It's my flat, remember?

We're looking forward to it, aren't we, Martin?

Oh, no.

Oh, God, please stay in your rooms.

I'll pay you lots of money.

You can't bribe us, man.

Money's of very little interest to blokes like us. We're on a higher plane.

They're really horrible, then, this mum and sister.

Oh, they're just really weird.

Lulu keeps laughing when nothing's funny.

When I first met them, Mrs Glenister asked what school did I go to. I told

and Lulu went, Then Mrs Glenister asked where my family lived. I told them and

Lulu went, Again.

Then I told them my best joke. Lulu was completely silent. So was Mrs Glenister,

Archie's grandmother and all of his old aunties.

It wasn't the one about the Archbishop's marrow, was it?

I think it's very funny.

Lulu's in this week's Country Life.

This is Miss Lulu Glenister with her pony Denzel.

Is she famous?

No. It's just a tradition to feature a different, attractive, up -class girl in

each issue.

Is this what posh blokes wank over?

Hey, man.

One of your shopping bags is trying to escape.

Oh, shit!

That's a starter.

OK.

Calm, cool, organised.

It's not too bad.

OK.

Just start.

Like, first get the fishmonger to kill the crabs for you.

What?

Don't panic.

It's nothing to worry about.

I'm quite capable of slaughtering a few crabs myself.

I'll be a doddle.

Right. Okay.

If you need to kill the crabs yourself, the kindest way is to batter them to

death.

Batter them to death.

Brilliant. Have we got a mallet?

No. No, we haven't, actually.

I know, because last week my vest drawer came apart and I was... Shut up. I

haven't got time.

Are you all right, ma 'am? Yeah, yeah.

I just need you to batter some crabs to death for me.

Yeah, but we haven't got a mallet. Eh?

Thank God platform shoes came back into fashion.

stepfathers to get out of my system.

You and Matt are so lucky having miserable childhoods, man.

I haven't got any interest in neuroses to enrich my adult life. I'm just boring

brown mulch. Right.

Rack them up, Martin.

The next one can be Carl.

He should have never sold my bike and used the money to go dog racing.

Bloody hell.

And?

Matt, quick, it's an emergency.

Quick what?

I don't know. The man's passed out.

Archie's mum and sister are due here for dinner in 20 minutes. The man hasn't

cooked anything at all yet.

In fact, there's live crabs all over the kitchen. What are we going to do?

Watch telly?

It's not our problem, is it? When the doorbell rings, we don't answer it.

Simple. Now settle down in your armchair for three hours of silicone beef babes

on safari.

No.

I won't sit in that armchair.

I'm going to help Mandy, and I think you should too. There.

My hand feels funny.

Come on, Matt, you've got to help her. Mandy's your closest friend other than

me.

If we don't help her now, she'll get into big trouble with Archie's family.

Maybe you won't marry her.

Mandy's entire life could be ruined.

I mean, surely you won't let her down at a time like this.

You might get a shag off Lulu.

Do you think she'd be a bit more comfortable if we loosened her clothing

For God's sake, Matt, she's unconscious.

Well, that didn't stop her sneaking a look up Maria Gibbons' skirt that time

got knocked out by the cricket ball.

That was different. We were seven.

My brother said we could.

Well worth 20p, I thought.

I'm a father now. I don't do stuff like that.

Pity.

I'm going to bring Rosie in here.

And we can keep an eye on both of them at the same time.

Well, that didn't take long. I expect those other crabs will turn up sooner or

later.

Right, read out Mandy's menu.

Fresh crab on a bed of poo lentils and baby spinach, tarragon and fennel

souffle, roast grouse avec sangius, julienne of baby carrots, ta -ta -ta,

homemade sorbet and cheese, coffee petit fours.

OK, fine, we'll start at the beginning.

First, take a bowl. Good, that's easy, take a bowl, no problem there. Should

have plenty of bowls.

I can't seem to find a bowl.

No bowls in there.

No bowls in there. No bowls in there. I mean, what sort of stupid sodding flat

is this?

I've got one bastard bowl in the entire kitchen.

My bowl's mad.

How am I supposed to cook dinner without a bowl?

Silicone beach babes on safari.

I know.

My mum's frozen.

Your mum's frozen?

That'll impress them.

There's not a chef in London to touch me on the preparation of frozen food using

a microwave.

Big deal, he'd just bung it in and flick the switch. The microwave is a complex

instrument, an instrument of which I, Martin Henson, am a virtuoso.

In fact, the operation of the microwave is the one area of life where I feel

truly confident.

You sad old ginger -tossed... Come on in.

Test me. Ask me anything.

Chicken chair, sir.

Just reheating or from frozen? Frozen.

450 or 750, what often?

750.

Seven minutes at power level eight, take out, stir, return to microwave for

three minutes at level four.

You're good.

We saw your picture in Country Life with your pony Denzel.

Had to pay them £500 to print Lulu's picture. What?

We're hoping some chap will take a fancy to her, take her off our hands.

No luck so far.

Though we had quite a good offer for Denzel.

I don't really like girls, you see. Silly creatures.

No conversation.

Take Lulu.

No conversation whatever.

Give me boys any day.

But you're a girl, and a very attractive girl, if I may say so.

Thank you. You're very sweet.

And, Lulu, do you have any hobbies?

Hobbies, Lulu, hobbies.

Yes, she likes shooting.

Bang!

Shooting, really?

I like shooting. I love shooting.

What I really want is an Uzi so I can gun down all the tossers that get in my

way and splash their guts all over the sidewalk for me.

What a good idea.

I'm very keen on dogs.

We have quite a few dogs.

I know quite a few people who have quite a few dogs.

All kinds of different dogs.

Terrier, wolfhound, spaniel, English cocker, King Charles, Welsh springer.

Actually, all our friends have quite a few different sorts of quite a few dogs,

haven't they, Ma?

You see?

Everything OK, June, Mrs Glenister?

Seemed all right.

I've tasted anything since my husband accidentally thought half my tongue off.

Bringing my mum's pudding.

Mum's recipe, he says.

Which Mandy made before she got her migraine.

That was lovely, thank you. What did you say it was called?

Sausages.

Sir only Dimash.

Avec son jus.

Where are your family from, Matthew? Oh, do call me Caroline.

They're from Herne Bay.

But they're all dead, so I'm the last of the line.

Oh, shame.

Still super luck for you, inheriting everything so young.

Oh, yeah, keeps me ticking over.

Of course, I'll be losing Mandy's rent when she marries Archie.

Yes. I expect you're very happy and excited about it all, are you?

Well, between you and me, Matthew, I'm rather concerned. I despair of Archie

sometimes. He was a strange, worrying child, always...

finding horrid, smelly, wounded animals in the wood and bringing them home,

insisting on looking after them.

When most normal boys would hang them from a branch for target practice.

Jam? Sir, only the suet de castade?

Son, son, juice.

Coffee, Caroline?

Yes, please.

Does your family have dogs?

I'll go and help Matt.

Rock -a -bye Rosie in Uncle Matt's arms Uncle Matty will

keep baby Rosie from harms When the wind blows Uncle Matty... He will blow

harder. He will take baby Rosie down the Mexican for an enchilada.

What are you doing to Mandy now?

Nothing.

Tell me what am I doing? I'm not doing anything.

Waking her up. What do you think?

Mandy, wake up.

Wake up, Mandy.

What?

Archie's mum and sister are here.

We told them you've got a migraine. I've made them some dinner for her. My mum's

frozen. It's all going really well, isn't it, Mum?

Caroline's a magnificent woman. I think she fancies me.

Oh, no, I'd better get up. Yeah.

But don't forget, you've got to act as if you had a terrible, agonising

migraine. Somehow I don't think that'll be a problem.

Oh, look, Rosie's still awake.

If that baby cries, I may have to kill her. She won't cry. She's a good baby.

Here, man, I don't want to make you feel better. Have a smell of Rosie's head.

I'm going to make the coffee.

Oh, she's such a lovely baby, Ma.

You're really lucky to have her.

Fair doesn't think I'm a good father. She said so today.

Maybe she wants to marry that Shane bloke.

Maybe she wants him to be the dad.

I hate that bastard.

Why does he have to be so big?

I think he's a very good father.

I still love Claire, you know, after all this time.

It's pathetic, really, but... I live for the moments when we're alone with our

baby. Just the two of us.

When I think about that bastard, I think I'm going to explode with jealousy.

Oh, I know it's hard.

Well, you'll get used to it in time.

I won't. I can't stand him.

Listen, Mark, you'll always be Rosie's father.

Thanks, man.

I still hope he drops dead.

Yeah, me too.

For your sake.

Oh, that'll be Claire.

You all right to get up now, man? Yeah, yeah.

Just a little vodka first.

Mother, I've just seen Mandy.

She's got a baby by the ginger one. Don't be silly, Lulu.

True. I was looking for the lab and I saw Mandy in her bedroom with a baby and

the ginger one.

She said she hates Archie. They said they wished he was dead.

The gold -digging little slut.

Caroline, Lulu, how lovely of you to come.

Are you feeling better?

A little, thank you.

I hope the boys have been looking after you all right.

Matthew has been very charming.

He seems a decent boy.

I'm sorry about earlier. I had a sudden migraine.

You can stop all this silly play -acting now. We know your secret, Miss Wilkins.

It's because I was so nervous.

I spent about 500 quid on clothes and food and then I drunk myself into a

and passed out.

I imagine getting drunk is the least of your crimes. I'm referring to your dirty

little secret.

Oh, is it my cousin going on third in the rise of Dolly Parton?

My mother's mental problem?

Well, she can't help it.

Streaking at test matches is her only pleasure.

It's got nothing to do with your relatives.

It's you.

Oh, you found out about Archie showering me with expensive gifts and giving me

the nine grand to pay off my debts.

Well, obviously you didn't know about that.

Um...

I suppose it must be the amount of sexual partners I've had.

It wasn't casual, not with any of them.

I knew all their names.

This is brilliant.

The secret I'm referring to is your illegitimate child.

Oh.

My daughter.

I was afraid it was her.

You were just going to marry Archie without even bothering to mention her

existence, were you?

I expect I would have told him eventually.

I just didn't think it would matter.

I was 15.

Stoke was 15.

It was all kept very hush -hush. I didn't even tell Stoke.

I just disappeared with one of those really long cases of glandular fever.

I told you she was up to sticking 87, Mark.

That's 10p, you owe me.

I called her Sarah.

She was put up for adoption.

Oh, she's got two children.

And?

I still think about her quite a lot.

That's all right now.

Two children? I want you to stop all this silly pretense right now. We know

about your child with the ginger one.

Hello, everyone.

Say night -night, Daddy.

Good God!

How many bastards have you fathered?

Well, he wrote it.

Child? Well, she'll be ten on December the 4th.

I must have got the wrong end of the stick.

So you've all been having a nice evening, by the looks of it.

Tops.

I think she ought to apologise.

I'm talking about you.

Don't be ridiculous.

You've been very rude.

And you called my daughter a bastard.

Which may be true, technically speaking.

You'll grow up with a million times more love than you're capable of giving a

child, and that's much more important.

Come on, Claire. You'd better get Rosie home.

Well... You know all about me now.

The real me.

All the things I was desperate to keep from you.

You know it all.

But you know what?

I don't care anymore.

See, I don't want to be the sort of person that impresses you.

I shall be informing Archie about this evening's revelations and no doubt the

engagement will be broken off immediately.

That was really great of you, Martin.

The way you stood up to that old bitch.

You were a real hero in there.

I thought you looked impressed.

You had a look on your face like you had once on our first date.

I'm really sorry about what I said.

About the buttock marks and that.

I see now I was wrong.

Really?

You'd make a great dad for any baby, so you would.

Which is why it's such a shame Rosie won't have you around.

She will. She'll always have me around.

She won't, Martin.

We're emigrating to Australia.

Fantastic evening!

I really enjoyed myself.

Made us some tea.

Well, say thanks, then, you ungrateful tossers.

What are you doing?

Contemplating suicide.

Not you, Mandy.

I'm just getting together some of the presents Archie's given me.

I think I ought to give them back now.

Don't seem very upset.

That's the funny thing.

I feel strangely light -hearted.

I don't even mind too much about the presents.

We didn't have very similar tastes, really.

You know, I was thinking, Mark, maybe deep

down I feel a bit relieved.

It's awful of me, isn't it?

I mean, I realise now that I thought it was nice, really nice, but it's not a

bit like a lovely dream.

It would never have lasted.

Maybe this is the easiest way for it to end.

I came as soon as I could.

My mother's such a horrendous snob.

I'm so sorry.

I thought you wouldn't want to marry me anymore.

Mandy, don't you realise?

I seriously adore you.

Nothing could stop me from marrying you. Nothing.

I mean it, Mandy.

I love you and I'm going to marry you.

Me, let's say more.

I, um... I threw him at the auction and thought of you immediately.