All language subtitles for Game On s03e04 Crabs.eng

But Sunday morning is only for the
blessed.

And the sacred moments of dizziness are
where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Weasel.

Beaver!

Partridge. Good choice.

Wish I was coming.

No. Your mum and your sister want to get
to know me better without you there.

It's a girls' dinner.

Can you get partridge in Tesco, do you
think?

You should get it from a caretree, don't
you?

Sad part.

No, I think I'll do the growl.

Excellent. Mother will be delighted.

She's written several books on cooking
game.

That it is, then.

Are you off?

Yeah, yeah.

I've got a small present for you first,
Maddy.

I wonder if he's got those emerald
earrings that she keeps dropping hints

Or that ruby pendant she keeps dropping
hints about. Or the diamond bracelet.

Say anything.

Archie's from a different world to us.
They have different ways.

This is what Archie's grandfather gave
to Archie's grandmother when they got

engaged. He shot it himself.

Bloody good shot, wasn't he?

It must be a bit embarrassing for you,
man. Archie's family, practically

aristocracy. Your family, practically
gorillas.

It is not embarrassing at all. I am who
I am.

Archie's family will have to take me as
they find me. I certainly won't be

putting on any airs and graces for them.

Won't you?

I would if I were you, ma 'am.

Nothing in the world smells as lovely as
Rosie's head, Matt.

It's a sort of vanilla smell.

No, hang on, not vanilla.

Butterscotch. Here, you have a sniff.

You sure, Matt?

I can't stop.

I'm hooked.

Go on, you'll like it. She won't mind.

Get it away from me.

I don't want to smell the kids out, all
right?

God's sake, Mark, where's your self
-respect?

What kind of man are you?

It's girls who go around smelling
babies' heads, not men.

It's one little sniff, wouldn't it? I
said no.

I'm a bloke.

I have no interest in babies. I think
they're repulsive, fat blobs.

If you were any sort of proper bloke,
you'd think the same.

Actually, I don't think I am a proper
bloke. I don't know if I want to be one.

Not if it means you can't smell babies'
heads.

You don't want to be a proper bloke? No,
not necessarily.

There's all sorts of things a chap can
be these days, isn't there?

It can be a bloke or a lad or a new lad.

You don't want to be a proper bloke! It
can be a guy or a chap or a fella.

We're blokes!

I am a man.

All right.

You're a man.

Fine. I have no problem with that.

You're a bloke as well, aren't you?

There, I think that's everything.

Oh, I bought her a new coat if you want
to bring her out anywhere.

Oh.

Oh, is it mother care?

Or is it baby gap?

No.

Oshkosh bigosh?

Oh, I love it in there.

All the little tiny clothes.

Yeah, they have to be small, Mark.

They're to fit babies.

I'm not saying that. Look at the baby
bears.

Yeah, I've seen these coats.

You can get pink baby bears with green
hearts and red baby bears with yellow

hearts, but brown baby bears and blue
hearts is definitely the coolest. Don't

you think so, Matt? Don't you think
Rosie will look cool?

Cool? Your daughter.

I think not, Matt.

It's really nice of you to help me out
again, Martin.

Very busy these days.

Still seeing that, Shane?

Oh, on and off.

Anyway, thanks for all the babysitting.

You're my dad, aren't I?

Yeah, you are.

To be honest, Martin, I do find it
difficult seeing you as a proper father

figure. Would it help if I grew a
moustache?

Oh, Martin, it's not like you do
anything wrong.

Well, it's more like you just don't do
anything at all.

I mean, look at this armchair of yours.

a little dent where you rest your head
against it.

And look at the feet.

A perfect imprint of your buttocks.

And right.

And there on the carpet in front, two
threadbare patches where you put your

feet.

You're perfectly a vegetable. No, not a
vegetable, because at least they grow.

You don't even do that.

You're more like a... like a compost
heap.

Sitting there, quietly decaying into a
brown mulch.

What kind of an example is that for a
little girl?

I don't just sit there, Claire.

Look, there's a worn path leading down
to the kettle.

Do

you

think I'm brown mulch, Mandy?

What?

No, don't tell me.

I'm sorry, Mark, but I can't get
involved at the moment. I've got my own

on. Are you supposed to be cooking now?

Yes, I am.

But I've been traipsing around the shops
for five hours trying to find the right

outfit. In the end, I had a brilliant
idea.

I bought exactly the same outfit that
Lady Peverell, the famous society

is wearing in this week's Country Life.

for Archie's best bread.

Calm down, Madge. It's only a dinner.

It doesn't really matter what you wear.

I mean, earlier you said they'd have to
take you as they found you.

Yeah, you said you were as good as them
any day.

Yeah, you said you wouldn't be putting
on airs and graces to impress them.

But I was talking bollocks!

I'm cold as coke!

The whole engagement will have to be
called off. I'll have to give Archie his

diamond ring back and just forget the
whole thing. Sly slapper. Do not handle

me! Here, have a vodka to calm your
nerves.

I don't know what you're worried about.
Me and Martin would be there to keep an

eye on you.

What?

You're not coming. I haven't invited
you.

Yeah, but we live here.

It's my flat, remember?

We're looking forward to it, aren't we,
Martin?

Oh, no.

Oh, God, please stay in your rooms.

I'll pay you lots of money.

You can't bribe us, man.

Money's of very little interest to
blokes like us. We're on a higher plane.

They're really horrible, then, this mum
and sister.

Oh, they're just really weird.

Lulu keeps laughing when nothing's
funny.

When I first met them, Mrs Glenister
asked what school did I go to. I told

and Lulu went, Then Mrs Glenister asked
where my family lived. I told them and

Lulu went, Again.

Then I told them my best joke. Lulu was
completely silent. So was Mrs Glenister,

Archie's grandmother and all of his old
aunties.

It wasn't the one about the Archbishop's
marrow, was it?

I think it's very funny.

Lulu's in this week's Country Life.

This is Miss Lulu Glenister with her
pony Denzel.

Is she famous?

No. It's just a tradition to feature a
different, attractive, up -class girl in

each issue.

Is this what posh blokes wank over?

Hey, man.

One of your shopping bags is trying to
escape.

Oh, shit!

That's a starter.

OK.

Calm, cool, organised.

It's not too bad.

OK.

Just start.

Like, first get the fishmonger to kill
the crabs for you.

What?

Don't panic.

It's nothing to worry about.

I'm quite capable of slaughtering a few
crabs myself.

I'll be a doddle.

Right. Okay.

If you need to kill the crabs yourself,
the kindest way is to batter them to

death.

Batter them to death.

Brilliant. Have we got a mallet?

No. No, we haven't, actually.

I know, because last week my vest drawer
came apart and I was... Shut up. I

haven't got time.

Are you all right, ma 'am? Yeah, yeah.

I just need you to batter some crabs to
death for me.

Yeah, but we haven't got a mallet. Eh?

Thank God platform shoes came back into
fashion.

stepfathers to get out of my system.

You and Matt are so lucky having
miserable childhoods, man.

I haven't got any interest in neuroses
to enrich my adult life. I'm just boring

brown mulch. Right.

Rack them up, Martin.

The next one can be Carl.

He should have never sold my bike and
used the money to go dog racing.

Bloody hell.

And?

Matt, quick, it's an emergency.

Quick what?

I don't know. The man's passed out.

Archie's mum and sister are due here for
dinner in 20 minutes. The man hasn't

cooked anything at all yet.

In fact, there's live crabs all over the
kitchen. What are we going to do?

Watch telly?

It's not our problem, is it? When the
doorbell rings, we don't answer it.

Simple. Now settle down in your armchair
for three hours of silicone beef babes

on safari.

No.

I won't sit in that armchair.

I'm going to help Mandy, and I think you
should too. There.

My hand feels funny.

Come on, Matt, you've got to help her.
Mandy's your closest friend other than

me.

If we don't help her now, she'll get
into big trouble with Archie's family.

Maybe you won't marry her.

Mandy's entire life could be ruined.

I mean, surely you won't let her down at
a time like this.

You might get a shag off Lulu.

Do you think she'd be a bit more
comfortable if we loosened her clothing

For God's sake, Matt, she's unconscious.

Well, that didn't stop her sneaking a
look up Maria Gibbons' skirt that time

got knocked out by the cricket ball.

That was different. We were seven.

My brother said we could.

Well worth 20p, I thought.

I'm a father now. I don't do stuff like
that.

Pity.

I'm going to bring Rosie in here.

And we can keep an eye on both of them
at the same time.

Well, that didn't take long. I expect
those other crabs will turn up sooner or

later.

Right, read out Mandy's menu.

Fresh crab on a bed of poo lentils and
baby spinach, tarragon and fennel

souffle, roast grouse avec sangius,
julienne of baby carrots, ta -ta -ta,

homemade sorbet and cheese, coffee petit
fours.

OK, fine, we'll start at the beginning.

First, take a bowl. Good, that's easy,
take a bowl, no problem there. Should

have plenty of bowls.

I can't seem to find a bowl.

No bowls in there.

No bowls in there. No bowls in there. I
mean, what sort of stupid sodding flat

is this?

I've got one bastard bowl in the entire
kitchen.

My bowl's mad.

How am I supposed to cook dinner without
a bowl?

Silicone beach babes on safari.

I know.

My mum's frozen.

Your mum's frozen?

That'll impress them.

There's not a chef in London to touch me
on the preparation of frozen food using

a microwave.

Big deal, he'd just bung it in and flick
the switch. The microwave is a complex

instrument, an instrument of which I,
Martin Henson, am a virtuoso.

In fact, the operation of the microwave
is the one area of life where I feel

truly confident.

You sad old ginger -tossed... Come on
in.

Test me. Ask me anything.

Chicken chair, sir.

Just reheating or from frozen? Frozen.

450 or 750, what often?

750.

Seven minutes at power level eight, take
out, stir, return to microwave for

three minutes at level four.

You're good.

We saw your picture in Country Life with
your pony Denzel.

Had to pay them £500 to print Lulu's
picture. What?

We're hoping some chap will take a fancy
to her, take her off our hands.

No luck so far.

Though we had quite a good offer for
Denzel.

I don't really like girls, you see.
Silly creatures.

No conversation.

Take Lulu.

No conversation whatever.

Give me boys any day.

But you're a girl, and a very attractive
girl, if I may say so.

Thank you. You're very sweet.

And, Lulu, do you have any hobbies?

Hobbies, Lulu, hobbies.

Yes, she likes shooting.

Bang!

Shooting, really?

I like shooting. I love shooting.

What I really want is an Uzi so I can
gun down all the tossers that get in my

way and splash their guts all over the
sidewalk for me.

What a good idea.

I'm very keen on dogs.

We have quite a few dogs.

I know quite a few people who have quite
a few dogs.

All kinds of different dogs.

Terrier, wolfhound, spaniel, English
cocker, King Charles, Welsh springer.

Actually, all our friends have quite a
few different sorts of quite a few dogs,

haven't they, Ma?

You see?

Everything OK, June, Mrs Glenister?

Seemed all right.

I've tasted anything since my husband
accidentally thought half my tongue off.

Bringing my mum's pudding.

Mum's recipe, he says.

Which Mandy made before she got her
migraine.

That was lovely, thank you. What did you
say it was called?

Sausages.

Sir only Dimash.

Avec son jus.

Where are your family from, Matthew? Oh,
do call me Caroline.

They're from Herne Bay.

But they're all dead, so I'm the last of
the line.

Oh, shame.

Still super luck for you, inheriting
everything so young.

Oh, yeah, keeps me ticking over.

Of course, I'll be losing Mandy's rent
when she marries Archie.

Yes. I expect you're very happy and
excited about it all, are you?

Well, between you and me, Matthew, I'm
rather concerned. I despair of Archie

sometimes. He was a strange, worrying
child, always...

finding horrid, smelly, wounded animals
in the wood and bringing them home,

insisting on looking after them.

When most normal boys would hang them
from a branch for target practice.

Jam? Sir, only the suet de castade?

Son, son, juice.

Coffee, Caroline?

Yes, please.

Does your family have dogs?

I'll go and help Matt.

Rock -a -bye Rosie in Uncle Matt's arms
Uncle Matty will

keep baby Rosie from harms When the wind
blows Uncle Matty... He will blow

harder. He will take baby Rosie down the
Mexican for an enchilada.

What are you doing to Mandy now?

Nothing.

Tell me what am I doing? I'm not doing
anything.

Waking her up. What do you think?

Mandy, wake up.

Wake up, Mandy.

What?

Archie's mum and sister are here.

We told them you've got a migraine. I've
made them some dinner for her. My mum's

frozen. It's all going really well,
isn't it, Mum?

Caroline's a magnificent woman. I think
she fancies me.

Oh, no, I'd better get up. Yeah.

But don't forget, you've got to act as
if you had a terrible, agonising

migraine. Somehow I don't think that'll
be a problem.

Oh, look, Rosie's still awake.

If that baby cries, I may have to kill
her. She won't cry. She's a good baby.

Here, man, I don't want to make you feel
better. Have a smell of Rosie's head.

I'm going to make the coffee.

Oh, she's such a lovely baby, Ma.

You're really lucky to have her.

Fair doesn't think I'm a good father.
She said so today.

Maybe she wants to marry that Shane
bloke.

Maybe she wants him to be the dad.

I hate that bastard.

Why does he have to be so big?

I think he's a very good father.

I still love Claire, you know, after all
this time.

It's pathetic, really, but... I live for
the moments when we're alone with our

baby. Just the two of us.

When I think about that bastard, I think
I'm going to explode with jealousy.

Oh, I know it's hard.

Well, you'll get used to it in time.

I won't. I can't stand him.

Listen, Mark, you'll always be Rosie's
father.

Thanks, man.

I still hope he drops dead.

Yeah, me too.

For your sake.

Oh, that'll be Claire.

You all right to get up now, man? Yeah,
yeah.

Just a little vodka first.

Mother, I've just seen Mandy.

She's got a baby by the ginger one.
Don't be silly, Lulu.

True. I was looking for the lab and I
saw Mandy in her bedroom with a baby and

the ginger one.

She said she hates Archie. They said
they wished he was dead.

The gold -digging little slut.

Caroline, Lulu, how lovely of you to
come.

Are you feeling better?

A little, thank you.

I hope the boys have been looking after
you all right.

Matthew has been very charming.

He seems a decent boy.

I'm sorry about earlier. I had a sudden
migraine.

You can stop all this silly play -acting
now. We know your secret, Miss Wilkins.

It's because I was so nervous.

I spent about 500 quid on clothes and
food and then I drunk myself into a

and passed out.

I imagine getting drunk is the least of
your crimes. I'm referring to your dirty

little secret.

Oh, is it my cousin going on third in
the rise of Dolly Parton?

My mother's mental problem?

Well, she can't help it.

Streaking at test matches is her only
pleasure.

It's got nothing to do with your
relatives.

It's you.

Oh, you found out about Archie showering
me with expensive gifts and giving me

the nine grand to pay off my debts.

Well, obviously you didn't know about
that.

Um...

I suppose it must be the amount of
sexual partners I've had.

It wasn't casual, not with any of them.

I knew all their names.

This is brilliant.

The secret I'm referring to is your
illegitimate child.

Oh.

My daughter.

I was afraid it was her.

You were just going to marry Archie
without even bothering to mention her

existence, were you?

I expect I would have told him
eventually.

I just didn't think it would matter.

I was 15.

Stoke was 15.

It was all kept very hush -hush. I
didn't even tell Stoke.

I just disappeared with one of those
really long cases of glandular fever.

I told you she was up to sticking 87,
Mark.

That's 10p, you owe me.

I called her Sarah.

She was put up for adoption.

Oh, she's got two children.

And?

I still think about her quite a lot.

That's all right now.

Two children? I want you to stop all
this silly pretense right now. We know

about your child with the ginger one.

Hello, everyone.

Say night -night, Daddy.

Good God!

How many bastards have you fathered?

Well, he wrote it.

Child? Well, she'll be ten on December
the 4th.

I must have got the wrong end of the
stick.

So you've all been having a nice
evening, by the looks of it.

Tops.

I think she ought to apologise.

I'm talking about you.

Don't be ridiculous.

You've been very rude.

And you called my daughter a bastard.

Which may be true, technically speaking.

You'll grow up with a million times more
love than you're capable of giving a

child, and that's much more important.

Come on, Claire. You'd better get Rosie
home.

Well... You know all about me now.

The real me.

All the things I was desperate to keep
from you.

You know it all.

But you know what?

I don't care anymore.

See, I don't want to be the sort of
person that impresses you.

I shall be informing Archie about this
evening's revelations and no doubt the

engagement will be broken off
immediately.

That was really great of you, Martin.

The way you stood up to that old bitch.

You were a real hero in there.

I thought you looked impressed.

You had a look on your face like you had
once on our first date.

I'm really sorry about what I said.

About the buttock marks and that.

I see now I was wrong.

Really?

You'd make a great dad for any baby, so
you would.

Which is why it's such a shame Rosie
won't have you around.

She will. She'll always have me around.

She won't, Martin.

We're emigrating to Australia.

Fantastic evening!

I really enjoyed myself.

Made us some tea.

Well, say thanks, then, you ungrateful
tossers.

What are you doing?

Contemplating suicide.

Not you, Mandy.

I'm just getting together some of the
presents Archie's given me.

I think I ought to give them back now.

Don't seem very upset.

That's the funny thing.

I feel strangely light -hearted.

I don't even mind too much about the
presents.

We didn't have very similar tastes,
really.

You know, I was thinking, Mark, maybe
deep

down I feel a bit relieved.

It's awful of me, isn't it?

I mean, I realise now that I thought it
was nice, really nice, but it's not a

bit like a lovely dream.

It would never have lasted.

Maybe this is the easiest way for it to
end.

I came as soon as I could.

My mother's such a horrendous snob.

I'm so sorry.

I thought you wouldn't want to marry me
anymore.

Mandy, don't you realise?

I seriously adore you.

Nothing could stop me from marrying you.
Nothing.

I mean it, Mandy.

I love you and I'm going to marry you.

Me, let's say more.

I, um... I threw him at the auction and
thought of you immediately.

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