Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the blessed.

And the sacred moments of silliness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

If I was in a permanent vegetative state, would you turn the machine off?

What do you mean, if?

No,

really, would you switch it off?

Or would you nurse me devotedly for years in the hope that I might one day

regain consciousness?

What was the first one again?

That's the present Archie gave me.

Costs 573 quid.

That's very patial, isn't it?

No, it's bloody hideous.

When I think of what I could buy for 572 quid, I could weep. Why don't you tell

him you don't like it?

No, I can't do that.

Archie told me it took him ages to choose the perfect thing for me. I could

hardly tell him I didn't like it, could I?

Not a very good sign for your marriage if you can't tell the truth about

you like an ornament or not, though, is it?

What are you going to be like when you've got to talk about stuff like

bankrupt or you've got a fatal disease or your child's been run over and

squashed to a pulp?

Yeah, thanks, Matt. Yeah, I'll bear that in mind.

Right, I'm going out now to meet Archie. I don't know what time I'll be home.

Mad, can you ask Archie if I can borrow his green beret?

You what?

Well, if I want to join the Marines, I'm going to need to try the hat.

You want to join the Marines?

Yeah.

The Marines?

Yeah.

It's a very outdoor thought of life, you know, Mad.

Still, they've probably got a tunnelling unit. Perhaps you could join that.

Just ask Archie for the beret.

Well, you're not really going to be a Marine, though, are you? I mean, it's

one of your fantasies. A bit on the pathetic side, really.

What's that, then?

Huh?

It's one of many books on the Marines I borrowed off Archie. I don't call that a

pathetic fantasy.

I call that serious research into my chosen career.

OK.

Believe me now, right?

No, I don't.

Because I remember when you said you were going to be a deep -sea diver.

You wore a rubber suit in the bath a couple of times. Have you heard that?

I remember, what, are you going to be a gamekeeper?

This is different.

Being a Marine is about fulfilling my destiny.

But why is it?

When I was a kid, I had an older brother.

No, you never knew him.

That's because he was much older.

He was 17 when I was born.

He was training to be a Marine commander.

He was days away from being a fully qualified Marine when there was a car

accident.

Danny was killed.

I've never heard you mention Danny before.

He was my hero, Mark.

I was five. I worshipped the ground he walked on.

Broke my heart when he died.

But you'd never mentioned him. I wasn't allowed.

My father said I must never say his name again.

God, Matt, it's awful.

What a shitty thing to happen.

I had to identify the body as well.

Mum was in too much of a state. Dad refused to believe he was dead.

I was five, Martin. I was so little.

The doctor had to pick me up so I could look down at Danny's beautiful, slightly

squashed face.

Yeah, good one.

Game on.

I go through all that and you laugh.

I'm insulted, Martin, and I'm sickened.

I've been your best friend for 15 years. I think you might have mentioned it if

you had a dead brother.

I'm not lying.

Funny bloke.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.

I'm sure you're not doing it on purpose.

Thing is, I have no trouble at all getting an erection when you're not

That's reassuring.

When you're not there but I'm thinking about you, I mean, I get the most

enormous erection.

Monstrous bugger.

But then when I see you, I'm not really sure what happens.

The old chap goes a bit shy.

It must seem rather odd being engaged to someone who hasn't managed to.

Who can't... does it?

No.

No, it doesn't seem odd.

I expect this happens to a lot of men.

I'm sure it does.

I've never actually met someone who it happened to.

You know what I think it is, Archie?

You think I'm so perfect, you can't bring yourself to defile me.

I mean, you've got to start thinking of me as ordinary.

I mean, I am ordinary.

If you could do that, I'm sure your old chap would start to feel a bit more

sociable. Who can I think of you as ordinary?

You're an angel.

Well, maybe if you saw me picking my nose, for example.

Yeah?

No, you just look like an angel who picks her nose.

Morning, Matt. Got your tea?

Archie says you can't borrow his beret because it's too precious.

But Doug this old one out of mind for you.

I made you a toasted tea cake for your breakfast.

Looks beautiful, doesn't it?

Although slightly squashed.

How about Danny?

I was terrible lucky having lost a brother as well as your mum and dad.

Are you sure you haven't got a dead sister?

If you had a dead sister, you'd have the full set.

You don't believe me either?

Of course not. Oh, come on, Matt. Admit you're lying.

I wish I was lying, Martin. I wish I was.

Have you got any photos of him?

My dad burnt them all.

Dad went kind of insane after Danny died.

Grief did terrible things to him.

He used to wander from room to room, moaning and whimpering.

Sometimes he used to come into my room in the middle of the night, grab hold of

me around my neck, shake me hard and shout, Why aren't you here?

You kids go to work. I've got some things to do.

In World War II, the average age of the combat soldier

was 26.

In Vietnam...

Vietnam News 90.

Okay, guys, good.

One here, one here, one there.

Come on.

Yeah, it's Captain, actually. Captain Malone. I'm just stationed here waiting

for my mission.

Thanks, guys. At ease.

Bloody hell!

Come on, then, Mark.

God, that tie looks shit with that shirt, mate.

But she's impotent.

But he was in the Marines.

He says it's because he loves me too much.

Poor Archie.

And she's not been able to get an erection.

I can get an erection.

I've got one nearly all the time, actually.

I got one the other day when I was watching The Snooker.

Jimmy White with Stephen Hendry.

Funny, really.

Claire used to love it when I got an erection.

When you love someone, and they love you, but then they stop and you don't,

are you supposed to do?

Get a dog.

That's it, Charlie.

That's it.

Go on, make my day, Charlie.

Hello,

is that Penny's Pet Paradise?

No,

I'm actually speaking to Penny.

The Penny.

Oh, I'm honoured.

I'll tell you what it is, Penny. What it is is I'm interested in purchasing some

rabbits.

About a dozen.

Oh, yeah, I've kept rabbits before.

Oh, yeah, they make terrific pets.

No, I don't mind what sort, but I quite like the fluffy ones.

About how big are their heads, roughly?

That's excellent. And do you do delivery?

You don't?

No, I can't come down there.

I haven't got any legs.

Can't you make an exception just this once?

What a...

I suspect I'll be speaking to my mother later.

Yeah? I hope you'll be passing on my comments about the so -called shepherd's

pie. No, I won't, actually.

It was supposed to be my shepherd's pie.

Anyway, I don't think it did taste like pure -aged socks and pants.

However, I will be asking her about Danny and his tragic car accident.

I feel totally crap.

I'm sure I'm coming down with the flu, and it's all your fault, Matthew.

Keep turning the heating up to simulate the desert, turning it off to simulate

the Antarctica, and then turning it right back up again. It's just not good

a person.

I'm sorry if you're a real man, but endurance of temperature extremes is

my training.

You never join the Marines, how can you?

You are totally off your head, stark staring, bonkers barking mad.

Actually, that won't hold him back.

I've actually seen a lot of mad people that have made excellent officers.

Please go to work now.

Leave me so that I can think about Danny.

What's the matter with you today?

It's the anniversary of his death, OK?

Oh, I suppose it's my own fault you don't believe me.

I've played the tough man all these years, never let the hurt show.

What's that, Matt?

It's Danny's hip flask.

Had it in his pocket on the day of the crash.

Found it in the ashes of the bonfire my dad made out of all Danny's stuff.

It's a bit bent and burnt, but I just like to hold it sometimes.

DM.

Daniel Malayan.

Come on, you kids. Go to work. Leave me alone now.

I know it's a bit wacky, but I like to start the anniversary of Danny's death

with a quiet prayer.

I feel shy in front of you two.

I'm sorry if it is true, Matt.

No wonder you're so mad.

Is there anything we can do before we go to work?

Sometimes in my sorrow I forget to eat, so if you could do me a quick sausage,

bacon, mushrooms, grilled tomato, beans and a poached egg on toast, it would

help. All right, Matt. Come in right up.

Sorry.

Don't worry, Archie.

It's not your fault.

It was going fine until I tried to... I know.

No, just... I know.

You look so beautiful. And when you did that little strip, he... Good heavens, I

shouldn't think there's a man in England who can resist you except me,

apparently.

Archie, all this, you know, it's quite normal.

Normal? How do you know?

Well... My friend Kirsten, she ran out with this bloke who had the same

Debbie said her last boyfriend but one, exactly the same thing.

And even Harriet's bloke has difficulty occasionally, and he is a really macho

type. You told all these people about me?

Mandy, you can't think.

It's a private, intimate problem.

How many other people have you told?

No -one else.

Absolutely no -one?

Honestly, no -one.

Me and Matt are having a cup of tea. Do you want one?

Martin, I've got Archie with me. We're busy. Bugger off.

Is everything all right?

Martin, haven't you?

I suppose that means Matthew knows as well.

I'm sure Martin won't tell Matthew.

And even if he does, Matthew never leaves the house anyway.

I've posted a request on the internet to get advice for Archie.

Lots of people recommending some stuff called stallion cream.

I'll do you a printout with the info, yeah?

out to you then.

I've

had

an accident.

What have you done?

These vacuum cleaners are death traps.

They should be taken off the market.

What's happened?

I've got my knob stuck in the suction cup.

No, no, no, no, no.

You haven't.

That could happen to anyone.

Sure, this sort of thing happens all the time. There's no shame in it.

Broad -minded young man with a sense of adventure and a healthy imagination is

stuck in a flat by himself.

Martin, please help me.

I'd better have a look at it, hadn't I?

Bloody hell.

Does it hurt?

Mm -hm.

I think maybe you'd better go to the hospital, Matt.

No.

No hospital. I don't want to go to hospital.

And you mustn't tell anyone.

You won't tell, will you, Martin?

Promise me you won't tell anyone.

You won't tell Mandy.

Of course I won't.

Will you try and get it off, please?

Do me best.

Look, I'll give Claire a ring and get her round here. No way!

She's a nurse, Matt. She's worked in accident and emergency.

She'll know what to do.

Can't you ring her and tell her it's you who's got your knob caught in it?

Forget to tell her what to do over the phone.

I'm the father of her child, Matt. I don't want her to think I'm the kind of

person who shags vacuum cleaners.

I'm not the kind of person who shags vacuum cleaners. Neither am I.

But I get so bored.

a new one on me and I thought I'd seen everything.

The places men find to stick their penises.

We had a man come in once, got his stuck in a video recorder.

Of course he said it was an accident. He was going over to put on his daughter's

wedding video and he tripped and fell and got his penis stuck.

Ah, it was a great crack in accident and emergency.

It will come off, won't it?

me the margarine.

How's Rosie?

Grand.

A couple more little teats starting to come through now.

She looks a bit like Martin, doesn't she?

People say she's got my nose.

It's hard to tell at that age, though.

And is she musical at all?

She's only one.

Thank you, Martin.

Seeing you do that, Claire, reminds me of the time when we tried to...

OK.

I'm going to start using a little bit of pressure.

I'll be as gentle as I can.

Is that hurting you?

Oh.

How about that?

Oh.

OK, if you could just try and brace yourself now.

wedged indeed.

Matthew?

Martin? Oh, God, oh, God! Just act normal.

Everyone act normal.

Oh, there you are.

Hi, Clare.

What's wrong, now? Are you ill or something?

No, I'm fine.

Everything's fine, thanks. Everything's normal and fine, thanks. I just have

your rest.

I actually brought some of his mates round to talk to you about what it's

like to be in the Marines.

It's all right, come on through.

Hello, Matthew. Hi.

Thought you might like a talk with a couple of the chaps here.

There's Felix.

Hi.

Barney. Hi.

Angus. Hello.

And John.

Hi. Call me Lofty.

Are you sure you're all right, Matt?

You look a bit pale.

Actually, Mandy, Matthew was just telling us that he's decided that he

want to join the Marines after all, so it's probably best if you all leave him

alone.

your mind?

You were dead set on it yesterday.

Well, he's changed his mind because... Because... Why was it again, Claire?

He's changed his mind because he's gay.

And he knows that homosexuals get a rough ride in the military and he

want to put himself through that.

Yeah, I'm gay.

So they won't like that in the Marines.

For God's sake!

I'm really sorry about this, Archie. It looks like you wasted your time.

No problem, Mandy.

I'd rest up if I were you, Matt. It's really not looking at all well.

I am not gay!

Oh, will I get them all back in then to have a little talk with you?

Stop being such an idiot, then.

Right, we'll have one last try, and if it doesn't work, we'll have to take you

down to the tummy. Martin, you hold on to his hip.

Matthew, you bike down on this pillow.

And I'll just... That's it.

Oh, I think it moved.

Yes, yes, I think it's coming now.

is stuck in a llama once.

Nobody thinks he's a pervert, but then he is a judge.

We've got to be kind and sensitive to him, all right?

I think he's coming.

Afternoon, tossers.

Still sitting on your fat arses growing a few more bed sores, I see.

Can't you see how pathetic you are with your sad, wasted lives empty of meaning?

You should just both get yourselves down the back... and asked to be put down.

God, he was more embarrassed than I really was.

There you go, Archie. Thanks for the loan.

I won't be needing these now. I don't want to be a Marine anymore.

But what about poor Danny?

You said you owed it to Danny.

Danny?

What about Danny?

Oh, Danny was Matthew's brother.

He died just before he qualified to be a Marine.

What?

What's wrong, Archie?

I had a brother, Danny.

who died just before he qualified.

That's why I became a Marine.

I told Matthew all about Danny a few days ago.

LAUGHTER

Nobody

understands the suffering that I've been through!

Both my parents have been killed!

asked at the end?

Matthew's father.

Douglas Malone.

I am going to kill him. Come on, Martha.

No, no, you stay there, Archie. You're too delicate for this.

Honestly,

Archie, though, I do look utterly hideous and grotty, don't I?

No. I do.

I just looked at myself in the bathroom and I look like Peter Stringfellow.

Poor little mug one.

Shall I do you another hot toddy?

Seven's probably a bit excessive, isn't it?

A bit?

Could you just give me a big hug instead?

Oh.

Archie.

What's that?

It just happened.

And this is a 13 -dog duvet.

I'm terribly sorry.

It's awfully bad form, what with your cold and everything. Shall I go?

No way.

Get in.

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