Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the blessed, and

the sacred moments of silliness are where I find my

heaven, where I find my heaven.

You ready, Mark?

No, I'm just waiting for Matt to finish.

He's not satisfied with the videos I've been choosing, so he's writing a

checklist for me.

The English patient?

That's a lovely video.

Why are you taking that back?

The way he carries her out of that cave.

Even though she must have started to decompose.

He must have really loved her.

I'd carry Claire out of a cave if she was decomposing.

And then, in order to prevent further wear and tear, I'd get her pickled.

You're all romantic.

What would it cost to have someone pickled?

You'd need a shitload of vinegar, wouldn't you?

And a bottle of Sarsen's costs about 60p, and you'd need gallons of it.

Oh, I wouldn't have a pickled in Sarsen's.

No, I'd get them to use one of those fancy white wine vinegars.

She was a classy girl.

Right, here's my checklist.

The list is organised under three headings.

sex, violence, and bad language.

Under each of those headings, there are subheadings, e .g. under violence, we

have the subheading weaponry.

Then you can look up under weaponry and find a list of weapons, e .g.

chainsaws. And you look up under chainsaws, you find standard electrical

building site quality or petrol -powered lumberjack quality and so on.

Now, for each film you take out, Mark, you need to be able to tick off one

division of at least two subsections under each of the three headings,

Mark, the film features an item from the special interest list, e .g.

head blown off at close range, which means the film automatically qualifies.

It's all pretty straightforward. Any questions?

Read and digest, Mark, and take all these mincy, saucy, wussy,

potsy, ginger videos out of my sight.

And, man, would you get me a large bag of dry roasted peanuts and some beers

while you're out?

Well, you'll have to give me the money.

I can't get any cash out. The bank still won't let me have a cheque card, even

though I've paid off all my debts now. Yeah, except for that £9 ,000 you

borrowed from Archie. He must be a right cost piece if he thinks he'll ever see

that again.

He's very kind, and I'm going out with him tomorrow night, as a matter of fact.

What, is he your new boyfriend?

No. You're only going out with him because he's rich.

Not. What does that word say, Matt? Uh, intestines.

Do you know if there's any sex in this one?

Anal or lesbian group, sadomasochistic

or nasal.

Any what, sorry?

No.

Any rude bits, like, um... I'm hearing impaired. My

hearing aid's not working. What is it you want? Anal sex.

Hello, Martin.

You said you'd bring me.

I know.

I keep meaning to.

Look, I'm really grateful for that money you lent me.

I'll pay it back, of course.

What have you been up to?

I'm really sorry, Martin. I can't talk now. You've caught me at a bad time.

Oh, right, sure.

Give me a ring sometime.

Oh, God, Claire, I still worship you. Is there any hope at all? Please, a ring.

Sorry.

Sorry, I... Don't take any notice.

I'm all right now. All under control.

Take care of yourself.

God, that was a clue. Let's get out of here before he sees I've got a baby.

Claire?

Why don't you want him to see you've got a baby?

Hi, Mandy. I didn't realise you were there as well.

Have you met my friend Jackie from the hospital?

Hi.

Oh, your baby's lovely.

How old is she?

Um, she's about a week old.

A week old?

Yeah.

She's, uh, large for her age.

Marge? She's gigantic.

Who's the dad? Pavarotti.

Um, so why don't you want Martin to see her?

I think it'd really upset him.

Well, he's already really upset.

You've got to be straight with him, Claire.

I mean, if he knew he had someone else's baby, he'd realise you're never going

back to him.

Martin!

You've got to tell him.

Oh, Mart, I, um... I forgot to mention I've had a baby.

Her name's Rosie.

Oh, that's a cute hat. No, no, don't touch her hat.

Why not?

Look,

I really do have to feed her.

I'll send you some money soon.

Martin, Rose is your baby.

I know.

You're a father.

I know.

Have a tea, anyone?

You're taking fatherhood very calmly, Mart.

Leave him alone.

He's a man.

He doesn't get excited.

What you've got to understand, man, is fathering children is no great shape for

us men.

We men came into the world solely to plant our seeds in women's bellies. We

a woman, we plant our seed. We see another woman... We plant another seed.

There's nothing special about it.

We men were born to be big, throbbing seed drills. Women were born to be

the patch of earth we sow our seeds in.

That's interesting, that.

Of course, the feminist response to that would be, stop talking bollocks, you

pathetic little arsehole.

All I'm saying is it would take something a bit more extraordinary than

baby to get old Mark Henson worked up. Isn't that right, Mark?

Can somebody clear me a space on the table, please?

Oh, no, you can't move this.

My dad made this the weekend before he died.

I mean, not that I give a toss about it, obviously, but purely out of habit,

I'll give it a bit of a clean once a year. I mean, if it was up to me, I'd

the thing for a laugh, but I can't because... Well, I'm in the habit

now, and you'll have to find somewhere else to put the tray, Mark. Are you

listening?

I think it's quite sunk in that he's a father yet.

Who have you?

I'm a father!

Oh, Max!

I always knew you cared about that old shit.

I didn't!

I'm just happy for Martin.

Congratulations, mate.

You're late, Martin.

I've been going through my diary trying to work out when Rosie was conceived.

Rosie.

My daughter.

Oh, my God.

I reckon it was the time Claire forgot to pack her pills when we dug that for

Uncle Spencer in Bolton.

I guess I'm a pretty virile kind of guy, eh, Matt?

I guess so.

What's with the look? You look like a right father.

It's my bollocks.

Figure.

It's sort of bulging with a new manliness.

I have sired a child.

Come here, Martin.

Yep, mustn't be late. I'm a father now. Got to take my new work responsibility

seriously so that I can provide for... my daughter.

Why are you walking like that?

She's massive bollocks.

Mark.

Don't you think that it's a bit strange that Claire didn't tell you she was

having your baby?

Oh, no, that was just a silly misunderstanding.

It's obvious what happened, isn't it?

I mean, she was scared to tell me because she thought I wouldn't want to

anything to do with it.

I mean, poor Claire, going through all that on her own.

I just think she'll be so happy when she realises that I want to be baby Rosie's

dad.

Right, I'll go and get my Mac. It looks a bit grey out.

Greyer than you think, mate.

All right for you, is it, Archie?

It's not too strong.

Well, it's not my usual tipple, Matthew, but... Jolly tasty.

I'll drink anything, actually.

Drank a pint of goat urine once.

But that was when I was in the Marines.

You were in the Marines?

87 to 90.

Terribly good life for a chap.

Made some wonderful friends there.

Of course, some of them are dead now.

What, died in the Gulf War?

No, blew themselves up trying to launch mortars from out of their backside.

Damn shame.

You saw them burn to death right there in front of you.

You lucky bastard.

Why hasn't anyone made films about that sort of thing instead of all this soppy

rubbish about girls called Emily picking flowers?

Why hasn't anyone ever made a film about a gang of marines who blow up their

arses?

It seems to me nobody has any idea what the public are really interested in.

Call me old -fashioned, but I like a rollicking good yarn.

There's nothing like a good old Bond film.

Man likes Bond films, doesn't he, man?

Her favourite's Gold Digger.

You mean Goldfinger? No.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Archie. I bet you were bored stiff.

Golly, Mandy, you've got triply good posture.

Right, I'm off to see Rosie and Claire.

Oh, has she invited you round?

Nah, I thought I'd surprise them.

Hey, listen to this.

Teddy wants a cuddle.

My little girl.

My little Rosie.

You do realise that she's my baby, do you?

She's my little girl, made with my flesh and blood and my ginger hair.

Why didn't you tell me about Bob? Oh, what, didn't she tell you about me?

Oh, she's very good at keeping secrets.

I didn't find out about my own baby till I bumped into them in the video shop.

Will you just wait a minute? Shut up, sperm thief!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You think she's yours now, don't you?

You think you'll be the one to teach her how to ride her first bike and to watch

her in her school plays and to...

Sit up waiting for her at night when she goes to her first disco and to comfort

her when a boy breaks her heart. You think you can take all that away from

Well, you can't.

Because I'm her dad, not you.

And I won't let her grow up thinking you're her dad.

Oh, bloody well, I hope not, mate.

I only came round to fix her washing machine.

I didn't realise. I'm sorry.

Guess who I am, Rosie?

I bet you thought you didn't have a daddy, didn't you?

Well, you have.

And it's me.

realise you're a complete stranger to her.

Oh, but I want her to know I'm her dad.

I think you'd better leave.

Well, when can I look after her?

I don't know, Mart.

After this evening, I wouldn't trust you to look after a gerbil, let alone my

daughter.

Look, thanks for coming round, Mart, and thanks for bailing me out with the

loan, but we're doing fine on our own.

I suppose it would have to be Terry and Tony holding me down and

farting on my head.

On the whole, though, it was nice having two big sisters.

When I got older, there was always lots of boys around.

The three of us used to go to the local disco in the church hall every Friday

night.

Afterwards, we used to go to the churchyard with the boys.

I mean, it was only kissing, really, on the gravestones.

Not the full... or anything like that.

So, what were you like when you were younger?

Not as lively as you.

Ma was not very keen on us having girlfriends.

She's all right about it now, though, is she?

No.

She's completely obsessed with someone called Celia Dickinson, who's supposed

be suitable.

She knows a lot about...

Dinner. She and Mark go and look at them together, I'm telling you.

I mean, I've never really seen the point of dinner services.

One day I'll breed from Kevin.

Make a super pig.

A pig that will change people's perception.

It's as safe as that.

Kevin did the kiss of life.

Kevin?

No. Armando. From personnel.

Kevin's only a pig, you know.

Yes.

Yes, right.

Sorry. I lost my concentration for a second.

You wouldn't believe the stuff that Archie bloke was telling me last night,

Mark. He used to go to this really weird school for rich tossers.

Where you choose the first year, he waits on a man and foot.

They bring him their tea in the morning.

They polish their shoes.

They toast their crumpet. They even warm the bug seat for him.

They iron all the... It's a dirt, mate.

They iron their trousers and all sorts of stuff.

It's like they're their slaves.

I think it's...

Disgusting the way the upper classes treat people.

I've put your egg onto ball and I've started running your bath.

Good work, mate. And you won't forget my special order from the vid shop on your

way home tonight, will you, mate? No, I made a note of it.

Cock -hungry killer bitches on heat.

Two.

Excellent.

Morning, man. Late home last night?

I know.

I actually kept ordering more wine.

Doesn't he understand that you're only interested in his money?

I'm not only interested in his money.

He's a nice bloke. He's a really nice bloke.

And I like him.

I really like him.

I'm just not sure if I fancy him.

So now what?

So now she tosses him aside like an old bus ticket.

Sorry? That's what women do when they've had their youth out of us.

That's what Claire did to me.

Dumped me like yesterday's newspapers.

Threw me away like a...

piece of chewing gum that she'd sucked all the flavour out of.

Chucked me in the bin like a used tea bag.

I hardly think that my... Betrayed me like a loyal old farm horse who's worked

hard all his life and then gets sent off to the glue factory.

Well, I'm going to break it off with Archie anyway before his feelings get

really hurt. The damage is already done.

Look, I can't help it. I don't ask men to keep throwing themselves at me.

God, it must be so much simpler to be an ugly loser.

Actually, it's not.

I didn't mean you, Martin.

You're not ugly.

I'm a loser, though, aren't I?

Mm -hm.

But I'm going to change.

I won't let Claire shut me out of Rosie's life.

I have a daughter.

I don't even know what date her birthday is.

One day, though, I swear...

I'll hold her in my arms and stroke her little face and tell her that I love

her. How are you going to do that if Claire won't let you anywhere near her?

I have rights.

Wally Bassoon said so.

I'm going to see a lawyer to find out exactly what those rights are.

My lawyer says the law is actually biased against fathers.

Did you know that, Matthew?

Against fathers.

Hmm.

And my lawyer, Mr Nash, thinks Claire sounds like a bitch.

I mean, that wasn't his official opinion.

I mean, that's what he said when we went to a wine bar to discuss it further.

It turns out his wife left him and she's trained their children to spit on his

Porsche when he goes round there.

Just think, Matt, that could be me in a few years' time.

Yeah, except you haven't got a car, so she'd just have to spit directly on you.

Claire says I'm not fit to look after a gerbil. Yeah.

But what she doesn't realise is that I used to have a gerbil.

And I looked after him so well that he lived until he was eight years old,

is really old for a gerbil.

And even then he would have been fine if you hadn't flushed him down the toilet

to see if he could swim.

It's all right, Matt.

I won't dig it all up again.

We're grown -up men now.

One of us is a father.

I've forgiven you for cruelly murdering Lenny, but my point is that Claire was

wrong when she said I wasn't fit to look after a gerbil.

Well, not really, mate.

Because look what happened to Lenny. I might just flush Rosie down the toilet.

But there's an inappropriate thing to say now.

My lawyer says we men have got to stick together. He says the legal position is

we've got to fight to stop the bitches shitting on us from a great height.

Are you sure he's a proper lawyer?

Of course he is.

Wally Bassoon recommended him.

Out down the bingo again, I see.

No, I'm going out with Archie.

What?

What?

A girl's entitled to change her mind.

I realise now that I was mistaken when I said I didn't fancy him.

Is that a new necklace, man?

Yeah. Isn't it lovely? Archie gave it to me.

It's platinum with real sapphire.

Seven's a heavy. Looks like being the mayor or something.

What are you looking at me like that for?

You're tricking Archie.

You don't really like him. You just want presents from him.

Don't be silly, Martin.

I hardly think someone with a lawyer can be called silly.

Listen, I honestly do like Archie.

Why am I explaining my behaviour to you? No, you don't have to explain it. The

motivation behind your behaviour is crystal clear.

You're just like all the others. You're greedy and grasping and you see Archie

as your gravy boat out of here.

Martin!

How can you turn on me like this?

After all the times I've spent...

telling you that you deserve a nice girl, reassuring you that your ginger

aren't off -putting, that your todger isn't deformed.

That's all in the past.

And I know now that I have a magnificent virile todger.

It's a shame you weren't a bit more responsible about what you did with it.

Oh, I wouldn't stand for that, Martin. Meaning what?

Meaning if you had been wearing a condom, then there wouldn't be all this

How dare you call my daughter a mess?

I'm talking about the situation, for God's sake.

It's my duty to tell you, Archie, that Mandy isn't the girl you think she is.

Don't, Martin.

She's only interested in your money.

I suppose that's the most interesting thing about me.

What are you looking for if she fancies you?

She just wants to marry money before she loses her looks. Now, I'm telling you

this in the spirit of solidarity, Archie, brother to brother.

You wait till I get you alone, Henson.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Tell him it's not true, then. Tell him it's not his money you're interested in.

Here, go on, Mandy, tell him.

Mandy?

She did say she really liked you, as well as your money.

Oh, thank you.

I think I'd better be going.

I'll see you at the office tomorrow, Mandy.

Goodbye, Martin.

Bye.

Bye, Archie. Nice meeting you again.

Let's get together for a beer sometime.

I just want to say straight away that

I know you'll have to fire me and that's absolutely fine.

And I really will pay you back the £9 ,000 as soon as I can.

But, Archie...

It's not true that I was only interested in your money.

It's just, well, you're so rich, I find it difficult to focus on anything else

about you.

That's all.

You can fire me now.

Actually, firing you hasn't occurred to me.

I've never met anyone like you, Mandy.

You seem more real than other girls.

Real? What do you mean, common?

Of course not.

I mean, although maybe being brought up on a countless date does give you a

certain quality.

A strong quality, I mean.

I think you must have a very romantic view of council estate.

We're exactly like other people, except we piss in lifts.

You know,

we just get into a lift and we've got to go.

Just a joke.

You see?

That's what it is.

You've got a proper sense of humour.

And I think it's perfectly understandable that you want to be rich.

Sensible, actually.

Mandy?

I'm madly in love with you.

There, I've said it now.

God, I hope you don't mind.

Only the leading male and his mate will breathe.

Claire wants me to be the dad.

She met me for lunch.

She even tried to give me a cheque towards the money she owes me, but I

she could keep it.

After all, it is for Rosie.

And Rosie is my daughter.

So Claire says.

She definitely is.

It wasn't the time we dog -stacked for my Uncle Spencer in Bolton, though.

It was the time we visited my gran in Wigan after her leg went gangrenous. Oh,

right!

She was really sorry for being horrible to me when I went round there the other

day. It's because she's got used to being totally independent.

Yeah? And what was her excuse for not telling you she was pregnant, having

in secret, and then telling you that Rosie was somebody else's baby when you

her in the vid shop?

We didn't really talk about that.

Guess what?

I'm engaged.

Who, Tim?

Archie, you moron.

Isn't it wonderful?

I really do love him.

He's a mad bastard.

He must be completely off his head, Archie.

Congratulations are in order.

Yeah, we're very happy.

It's just that pretty woman, isn't it?

be a prostitute, Martin.

Not officially.

Thursday, half seven, Mark. Come into my room to watch the netball team go past.

No, Mark, I won't be doing that anymore.

I am a father.

patience with you now.

I can't do it right because you're not holding your legs like a proper baby.

Look how a proper baby holds its legs. No, Matt.

This is how a proper baby holds its legs.

Please, Matt, we haven't got much time before Rosie gets here.

It buffets.

Oh, dear.

This man decided it's too much effort for him to walk to the toilet.

Claire's coming round. She's going to let me look after Rosie on my own.

Oh, how come?

Ah, she thought I was really impressive with Rosie when I went round there the

other day.

Yeah, I sense a new warmth coming from Claire.

She realises now that I'm a mature man.

Actually, I've started to ask her out again.

Now, she's had her seven o 'clock, so that's OK.

All the stuff you need is underneath.

And there's the number of the dinner party we're going to in case you need to

call us. Is there anything you need to ask?

Um, no.

You're a great man for saying you babysit, Mart.

Come on, Shane.

She's lovely.

Nobody told me she was a ginger something.

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