Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the black.

And the sacred moments of silliness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Just around a minute.

Mmm. You've got a beautiful palm here, Maureen.

Line of the heart, deep and clear.

Sign of sensuality, that is.

And here, your Mount of Venus is all plump and fleshy and swollen.

You're capable of great passion, Maureen. And bloody hell, you've only

star on your Mount of Venus. That's rare. I've never seen one before.

Oh, that means you love shagging and you're really good at it. Am I?

Of course not, you cretin.

It's in my technique.

Oh. Well, I didn't realise you believed that stuff.

I don't.

Astrology is bollocks.

Fortune telling is tossed, and palmistry's for skunk pussies, right?

We know that we men, but girls, girls and shirtlifters, they really believe

So I reckon if I read girls' palms, they'll let me shag them. You get it?

No, not really.

Loser. So what does my palm really say, then?

Look at the way you get to hold the girl's hand.

Have I really got a star on my... what is it? Mount Athena.

No, mate.

You haven't even got a Mount Athena.

Hi, Matt.

Hey, Matt, try your palm thing out on Mandy. He's got this new thing he does.

reads girls' palms and then he shags them.

Actually, if it doesn't work on Mandy, you're a bit stuck, aren't you? No.

Well, you are, because where do we get girls from?

Well, it's not a problem.

I suppose you could put an ad in the South London Press.

Mythic maths specialist in palm readings and shags.

Or you could just try going outside and meeting girls.

You know, last year, for a few days after you met that ginger student, you

almost normal.

I don't know why you chucked her.

Do you want to come out for a drink? Out. What?

Out. Out. Out. Out.

She was insane.

Stay while I have my tea. Oh, I can't, Matt. I've got to go to work. God, you

think of nothing but yourself, self, self, don't you? Your own happiness,

own comfort, your own pleasure.

I used to think about Claire's pleasure.

Her pleasure was my pleasure, actually.

Used to make these little happy squeaks when I... I remember.

Mandy remembers.

Dennis and Ursula next door remember.

Yeah, but it's finished now. She's out of my life forever and I'm completely

over her.

Couldn't be more over Claire if she was a hurdle and I was Sally Gunnell.

Forget about Claire, Mark.

You were too good for her anyway.

Good riddance to the bitch, eh, mate?

Yeah, right.

Good riddance.

Yeah, I suppose she was a bit... not all that nice sometimes.

Yeah. She was just a warty old tart, really, eh, mate?

About as sexy as snot, right?

I don't know what you saw in the putrid slut, to be honest with you.

Yeah, you're better off without the bandy -legged, pot -bellied, sewage

-breathed old dog.

£3 .50 for the Clare box.

£50? What is 50p?

You know the rules, mate.

50p, I mention. You've been going on and on and on about it ever since you came

in here.

I've done the minutes of the gravel committee and I've finished all the

you gave me. Is there anything else?

No.

Not just now.

Actually, I haven't really got anything to do myself.

I feel an absolute twit having a secretary.

Don't really need one, you see.

But Father thinks I ought to, so there it is.

Right, well, if you think of anything, I'll be waiting.

Yes.

Oh, there is one personal letter you could type for me, if you wouldn't mind.

I'd write it by hand, but my handwriting's totally illegible.

Seven years at Eton and I can barely write.

Damn shame, really.

Probably too busy flogging each other and having masturbation competitions.

Sorry.

Sorry, that was a terrible thing to say.

No, not at all.

It's just I've never heard a girl say masturbation.

Well, I know far ruder words than that.

Take a letter.

Right, yes.

It's to Mr Bostic.

Dear Mr Bostic, I'm writing to apologise for Kevin's behaviour last weekend.

It was his birthday on Saturday and I'm afraid he drank a lot of Guinness.

Anyway, I enclosed a cheque for £1 ,000 to cover damage to your helicopter.

Kevin is usually a very well -behaved pig.

And I will try to ensure that she doesn't escape again.

Yours sincerely.

Kevin's a pig?

Yeah.

I keep a couple at our place in Berkshire.

Wanted to be a pig farmer when I left the Marines, but father wouldn't hear of

it, that it was undignified.

Horses would have been all right, but pigs?

Damn shame, really, because I'm far better with pigs than I am with people.

Oh, you don't seem too bad to me.

You haven't tried to have sex with me on your desk once.

It's just that's what a lot of my bosses are like.

I had no idea secretarial work was so varied.

It's a living hell.

You see, what I really wanted to do was be a novelist.

In fact, I'm writing a novel in my spare time.

It's about this girl who's a secretary, and all of these men keep falling madly

in love with her, which ultimately leads to their destruction.

In a way, it's a kind of modern take on the Helen of Troy myth.

Written in a stream of consciousness style, though, with a sort of Tolstoyan

feel.

My name, Matthew Malone, and that's my phone number printed underneath.

It's in Gothic typeface, which is quite hard to read, so I've written everything

on the back clear.

Thanks.

So is this where Amanda Wilkins lives? Yeah, but she's not in right now.

You can come and wait if you like.

I bet you think I'm just saying that because I fancy you, don't you? Well,

not. I mean, I do fancy you, but I'm not just saying that.

I can tell by your hand that you're a deeply sexy person.

Oh, thank you.

You're so handsome.

I don't normally shag bears, but I don't know. There's something cute about your

butt.

Shagging your bear? I was not shagging my bear!

So this is about Matt shagging your bear?

Nothing! There was no shagging, there was no bear, and I'd like to know where

tea is.

Here it is, Matt.

Is it the panda or the old teddy bear?

You two are thick.

Come on, guys.

Can you honestly see me shagging a teddy bear?

OK, you weren't shagging your bear. You would never do anything weird and

perverted like that because you're just so normal.

Here, some woman came round, Tess Freeman.

She even waited for a bit.

What's the matter, man?

Tess Freeman from Cooper and Stebbing? Yeah.

That's it, then.

She's quite attractive for someone so large, isn't she?

What, is she a wrestler or something?

No, she's a debt collector.

It's a relief, in a way.

I always knew they'd catch up with me, and now they have.

Oh, well.

Ah!

Are you in some sort of trouble, Matt?

I owe credit card companies £9 ,000.

Bloody hell, what do you spend all that on?

Clothes, chocolate, champagne.

I've been living with you two. I had to cheer myself up somehow.

God, what am I going to do?

Go to prison, probably.

Oh, he's right, Martin.

I probably will have to go to prison.

I'd better get used to the idea of going to the bog in a bucket.

Yeah, I was thinking, if ever I got into serious debt, I could become a rent

boy.

Maybe a last resort, obviously.

There's a chap at work who told me I've quite a demand for my type.

Ginger choir boy, he calls it.

I'm not sure he knows all this, the chap at work.

Usually just talks about foreign settlements.

Have very pert buttocks, apparently.

Something the punters are particularly keen on.

Probably won't happen.

God, where am I going to find nine big ones?

If you do go to prison, you will tell us exactly what goes on in there, won't

you? Tell me all the details about what the women get up to with each other.

In the showers, we were so lathering each other up.

Gently at first, then more vigorously.

A stern but strangely attractive guard comes in and finds them. Shut up, Matt!

I can't go to prison.

It's all right, Mark will come and visit you, won't you, Mark? Yeah, yeah, I'll

smuggle you in a file up my jacksy.

They smuggle the file in a cake.

They put their drugs up their jacksy.

what you've done, you ginger fool.

Do you think she'll stop soon?

No.

She better.

EastEnders is on in a minute.

You're in finance, Mark.

Helper, give us some financial advice.

What would that Turkish tosser at the bank say?

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Yeah, what would Wally Bazum say?

No, that's no good. I just can't aspire to think like Wally Bazum. Don't mean

too high, Matt.

No,

you. I'm going to take charge of the situation.

Have we got some smelling salts?

I don't think so.

We've got some salt. Well, that'll do. Go and get it.

Mandy, I want you to lie down.

I don't want you to be frightened.

You're still in shock.

I'm going to make you better by giving you the kiss of life.

Oh, she bit me.

I don't know where my lost tetanus was.

Shit, my heart.

I can feel my jaw locking already.

A glass of water? I don't want a glass of water. I've got an aversion to water.

She's giving me rabies.

Just sprinkle it on her.

We don't bite people in this country. It's just one of those little unspoken

rules. No biting.

You feeling better now, man?

No, I'm not.

Hey, man, I've just thought your novel.

You'll get some money for that, won't you?

I haven't got a little way to go yet.

It's not my fault. Nobody could write a novel living in this place of torment.

I've written a novel.

Well, it's not really a novel, it's just...

I've written down a few of my thoughts and feelings about Claire.

I'll read you a bit, if you like.

Claire Teresa Deirdre Monaghan. That's the title.

My perfect summer with Claire.

That's the subtitle.

To my beloved Claire, who inspired this book and turned me from a boy to a man.

That's a dedication.

Thanks to Claire Monaghan for being so beautiful.

That's the acknowledgement.

Right, now the first chapter.

The very first time I saw Claire... Sorry, mate. I just, er...

Right.

Just the one left today, is it?

Yeah.

Doesn't seem enough, does it?

I really should generate more work than that on my salary.

I earn an absolute fortune, you know.

You could save it up for your pig farm.

Maybe. Why not?

You're old enough to choose what you want to do.

I mean, what would happen if you decided to leave the company? It couldn't be

that awful.

My family would never speak to me again.

Maybe you don't like them anyway.

They wouldn't let me see our old Labrador, Jinty.

You'd buy a brand new puppy for your new start.

I'd lose my inheritance, which is worth about four million.

Not so bad here.

Maybe I should forget about the money.

I mean, how important is money, anyway?

You know, Tom Plain, I envy the wage slave who earned just enough to lead a

pleasant, fulfilling life without the pressure of an inheritance to worry

Their lives must have a charming simplicity.

Bollocks.

Sorry, Archie, but it's not pleasant and fulfilling at all.

It's a horrible daily grind of menial jobs. There's never enough money.

I mean, before you know it, you could quite easily find yourself £9 ,342 .71

debt.

At least I imagine that's what it must be like.

I'm sorry.

Have you got financial problems, Mandy?

Me?

No, I wasn't talking about me just then. I'm absolutely fine.

Right, I'll go and type this up pronto.

Man, I need to speak to you about something.

I didn't want to say it in front of Matt because it's a bit personal.

Can't you understand, Mark?

I've got my own problems at the moment.

I've got time to listen to you whinging on about Claire's heavenly sun -kissed

bosoms today, all right?

It's not about that.

I just want to say I've got £5 ,000 I could lend you if you want.

£5 ,000?

Yeah.

I was saving up for me and Claire in case she ever came back to me.

Doesn't look as if she ever will.

If she's out of my life for good, I know that now.

Oh, Mark.

You poor old thing.

Must have been really dreadful having your heart broken like that.

You've been very brave, though.

So when can I have that five grand?

Two days ago, you said she did live here.

No, she moved out.

It was very sudden.

Could you give me her forwarding address, please?

She didn't leave one.

I see.

This is where things start to get a bit unpleasant, Mr Malone.

Yeah?

Will you write to your neighbours to see if they know where Miss Wilkins has

gone?

It can get very embarrassing.

No need to be embarrassing me, Tess.

If you hear from her, perhaps you could give us a ring.

I gave you my card, didn't I? Yep, and I gave you my card.

You have very interesting hands, by the way, Tess.

I'm sorry?

I'm a palmer.

I read palms. I can't help noticing people's hands.

You've got very large hands, don't you? I'm large for a woman.

I bet you've got a good firm grip.

I'm quite strong.

Why don't you come in for a cup of tea and I'll give you a complete reading?

No, thanks. I'm busy.

Free of charge.

Look, mate, I don't believe in palmistry or any of that stuff.

I think it's a load of rubbish.

But you're a girl.

All girls believe it. It's genetic.

I don't.

I get it.

Both hands.

You're a sex change, isn't you?

Oh, sorry, mate. I wouldn't have come on to you if I'd known.

When you had your knob chopped off, did you feel like that?

What's it feel like? Something like this, I imagine.

I'm not a transsexual.

Mate.

You've got a beautiful palm here, Mandy.

And... Something incredible's just happened. Yeah, later, Mark. I'm reading

man's palm. You know, Mark, reading her palm... Claire rang me at the office.

Claire actually rang me.

Um...

I'm clear, ain't me?

Well, what did she want?

She wanted the Boris' money.

She's been off work for a bit and she's got herself into debt, so I immediately

wrote out a cheque and sent it off to her.

Of course that doesn't affect the money you were going to lend me, does it,

Martin? Of course not!

Well, it does a bit.

Actually, I can't lend you the full amount any longer.

I can let you have 25 quid. No!

Stop!

What, are you going back out with her, are you? No, not exactly. She can't see

me at the moment because her life's very complicated, but she'll be in touch

again soon.

I think this might be the turning point for me and Claire.

I think maybe she still loves me.

Cosser.

Did you a big favour yesterday, man, getting that Freeman so -called woman

your back?

Oh, no, thanks.

You should thank me.

I just did.

I mean, thank me.

What? I lied my bollocks off to save your ungrateful skin, and you haven't

the common decency to let me have one little shag. I mean, you've shagged

everybody else in the entire cosmos.

And you owe me six months' rent.

Oh.

All right, then.

What?

My room or yours?

Mine.

I don't think you should do it, Matt.

She's very vulnerable at the moment. You'd be taking advantage.

Yeah, I know.

Actually, Matt, I think she's a bit unhinged. I mean, look at the way she

bursting into tears all the time. She's probably got temporary insanity.

Perky little chaps, aren't they?

Their nipples.

What are you smiling at?

Nothing.

Don't talk about my nipples anymore, all right?

OK.

That two brave little soldiers standing to attention.

Mandy!

Why don't you take your trousers off so we can have a look at the sergeant

major?

You're cheating.

You keep talking and putting me off. You've got to shut up or it's not fair.

OK. OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What's wrong? You seem a little bit tense, Matt.

Nothing. Completely relaxed.

Mmm.

I can smell you.

Smell quite nice, actually.

It's quite a delicate smell.

It's a bit like earth after it's been raining.

No?

No, it's more tangy than that.

There's definitely a hint of sea breeze in there, too.

Are you saying I've got B .O. or something?

Eh?

What?

So sexy, don't you think?

in people's armpits and talking about nipples.

Normal people shag normally like normal people.

Are you all right in there, Mandy?

Yes, I'm fine, thank you, Martin.

Get out, you pervert!

Didn't do it, then?

No. I didn't feel like it in the end, mate.

Well, you cheered her up, anyway.

Tess.

Dear Mr. Bostic, I'm very sorry to hear you think that Kevin may have

impregnated Cleopatra.

He's certainly never been attracted to golden retrievers in this way before.

It's Cleo's fault. She's always jumping into his sty and licking him.

Bit of a pig teaser.

Pig teaser.

Miss Wilkins?

Yes? Tess Freeman, Cooper & Stebbing. Acting on behalf of, well, more or less

every credit card company in England, actually.

Now, look here.

Land is at work.

These premises are private property. I've a letter to deliver to Miss

then I'm done.

I've got to go to court.

Wait a moment.

Poo -poo, how much for?

It's all on there.

Archie? Mandy, I won't take an open answer.

We'll call it a loan, and you can pay it back when you like.

A pleasure doing business with you.

It's very rare to close a case without actually beating anyone up.

Please don't be angry.

I knew you'd be far too proud to accept a loan if I gave you any choice in the

matter.

Angry.

Proud? You must be joking.

I'm so happy I could kiss you.

What do you reckon? Am I a better kisser than Kevin?

Are you all right?

It's just a silly impulse, really.

I suppose he's desperately in love with me now.

Is he going to be your new boyfriend?

I would be.

He's asked me out on a date.

If I'm going to marry money, I suppose I'd better do it before I lose my look.

But you wouldn't marry someone just for the money, would you?

Oh, of course not.

Would that be a terrible thing to do?

Speaking for myself, Maddy, it would be, yeah. But I just couldn't do it with

someone unless I really loved them.

Well, maybe I could.

But I'll be thinking about Claire all the time, obviously.

Obviously.

Last night I added up all the money you paid into the Clare book.

Me and Matt have made over a grand each.

That means I've mentioned her on average about 16 .5 times a day since we split

up. Really?

Seemed like a lot more.

Since you ring me, man.

OK, Wilkins.

Get in that bedroom, I'm ready this time.

That shag you promised me, I'm ready this time.

It was a once -in -a -lifetime offer, Matthew.

Yeah, but I'm ready.

Smell that!

It's got an armpit fetish. Drives her insane.

It was a joke, Matthew.

I wouldn't come between you and your bird.

Where's my rent?

I mean it this time, Mandy.

I want my rent or I'm going to throw you back out to the gutter.

Certainly, Matt.

Your rent's over there, all 1 ,250 quid's worth. My share of the clay box

Sorry it's building 50p.

Still, you could always go out to the bank tomorrow to change it, couldn't

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