All language subtitles for Game On s03e01 Palms Pigs.eng

But Sunday morning is only for the
black.

And the sacred moments of silliness are
where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Just around a minute.

Mmm. You've got a beautiful palm here,
Maureen.

Line of the heart, deep and clear.

Sign of sensuality, that is.

And here, your Mount of Venus is all
plump and fleshy and swollen.

You're capable of great passion,
Maureen. And bloody hell, you've only

star on your Mount of Venus. That's
rare. I've never seen one before.

Oh, that means you love shagging and
you're really good at it. Am I?

Of course not, you cretin.

It's in my technique.

Oh. Well, I didn't realise you believed
that stuff.

I don't.

Astrology is bollocks.

Fortune telling is tossed, and
palmistry's for skunk pussies, right?

We know that we men, but girls, girls
and shirtlifters, they really believe

So I reckon if I read girls' palms,
they'll let me shag them. You get it?

No, not really.

Loser. So what does my palm really say,
then?

Look at the way you get to hold the
girl's hand.

Have I really got a star on my... what
is it? Mount Athena.

No, mate.

You haven't even got a Mount Athena.

Hi, Matt.

Hey, Matt, try your palm thing out on
Mandy. He's got this new thing he does.

reads girls' palms and then he shags
them.

Actually, if it doesn't work on Mandy,
you're a bit stuck, aren't you? No.

Well, you are, because where do we get
girls from?

Well, it's not a problem.

I suppose you could put an ad in the
South London Press.

Mythic maths specialist in palm readings
and shags.

Or you could just try going outside and
meeting girls.

You know, last year, for a few days
after you met that ginger student, you

almost normal.

I don't know why you chucked her.

Do you want to come out for a drink?
Out. What?

Out. Out. Out. Out.

She was insane.

Stay while I have my tea. Oh, I can't,
Matt. I've got to go to work. God, you

think of nothing but yourself, self,
self, don't you? Your own happiness,

own comfort, your own pleasure.

I used to think about Claire's pleasure.

Her pleasure was my pleasure, actually.

Used to make these little happy squeaks
when I... I remember.

Mandy remembers.

Dennis and Ursula next door remember.

Yeah, but it's finished now. She's out
of my life forever and I'm completely

over her.

Couldn't be more over Claire if she was
a hurdle and I was Sally Gunnell.

Forget about Claire, Mark.

You were too good for her anyway.

Good riddance to the bitch, eh, mate?

Yeah, right.

Good riddance.

Yeah, I suppose she was a bit... not all
that nice sometimes.

Yeah. She was just a warty old tart,
really, eh, mate?

About as sexy as snot, right?

I don't know what you saw in the putrid
slut, to be honest with you.

Yeah, you're better off without the
bandy -legged, pot -bellied, sewage

-breathed old dog.

£3 .50 for the Clare box.

£50? What is 50p?

You know the rules, mate.

50p, I mention. You've been going on and
on and on about it ever since you came

in here.

I've done the minutes of the gravel
committee and I've finished all the

you gave me. Is there anything else?

No.

Not just now.

Actually, I haven't really got anything
to do myself.

I feel an absolute twit having a
secretary.

Don't really need one, you see.

But Father thinks I ought to, so there
it is.

Right, well, if you think of anything,
I'll be waiting.

Yes.

Oh, there is one personal letter you
could type for me, if you wouldn't mind.

I'd write it by hand, but my
handwriting's totally illegible.

Seven years at Eton and I can barely
write.

Damn shame, really.

Probably too busy flogging each other
and having masturbation competitions.

Sorry.

Sorry, that was a terrible thing to say.

No, not at all.

It's just I've never heard a girl say
masturbation.

Well, I know far ruder words than that.

Take a letter.

Right, yes.

It's to Mr Bostic.

Dear Mr Bostic, I'm writing to apologise
for Kevin's behaviour last weekend.

It was his birthday on Saturday and I'm
afraid he drank a lot of Guinness.

Anyway, I enclosed a cheque for £1 ,000
to cover damage to your helicopter.

Kevin is usually a very well -behaved
pig.

And I will try to ensure that she
doesn't escape again.

Yours sincerely.

Kevin's a pig?

Yeah.

I keep a couple at our place in
Berkshire.

Wanted to be a pig farmer when I left
the Marines, but father wouldn't hear of

it, that it was undignified.

Horses would have been all right, but
pigs?

Damn shame, really, because I'm far
better with pigs than I am with people.

Oh, you don't seem too bad to me.

You haven't tried to have sex with me on
your desk once.

It's just that's what a lot of my bosses
are like.

I had no idea secretarial work was so
varied.

It's a living hell.

You see, what I really wanted to do was
be a novelist.

In fact, I'm writing a novel in my spare
time.

It's about this girl who's a secretary,
and all of these men keep falling madly

in love with her, which ultimately leads
to their destruction.

In a way, it's a kind of modern take on
the Helen of Troy myth.

Written in a stream of consciousness
style, though, with a sort of Tolstoyan

feel.

My name, Matthew Malone, and that's my
phone number printed underneath.

It's in Gothic typeface, which is quite
hard to read, so I've written everything

on the back clear.

Thanks.

So is this where Amanda Wilkins lives?
Yeah, but she's not in right now.

You can come and wait if you like.

I bet you think I'm just saying that
because I fancy you, don't you? Well,

not. I mean, I do fancy you, but I'm not
just saying that.

I can tell by your hand that you're a
deeply sexy person.

Oh, thank you.

You're so handsome.

I don't normally shag bears, but I don't
know. There's something cute about your

butt.

Shagging your bear? I was not shagging
my bear!

So this is about Matt shagging your
bear?

Nothing! There was no shagging, there
was no bear, and I'd like to know where

tea is.

Here it is, Matt.

Is it the panda or the old teddy bear?

You two are thick.

Come on, guys.

Can you honestly see me shagging a teddy
bear?

OK, you weren't shagging your bear. You
would never do anything weird and

perverted like that because you're just
so normal.

Here, some woman came round, Tess
Freeman.

She even waited for a bit.

What's the matter, man?

Tess Freeman from Cooper and Stebbing?
Yeah.

That's it, then.

She's quite attractive for someone so
large, isn't she?

What, is she a wrestler or something?

No, she's a debt collector.

It's a relief, in a way.

I always knew they'd catch up with me,
and now they have.

Oh, well.

Ah!

Are you in some sort of trouble, Matt?

I owe credit card companies £9 ,000.

Bloody hell, what do you spend all that
on?

Clothes, chocolate, champagne.

I've been living with you two. I had to
cheer myself up somehow.

God, what am I going to do?

Go to prison, probably.

Oh, he's right, Martin.

I probably will have to go to prison.

I'd better get used to the idea of going
to the bog in a bucket.

Yeah, I was thinking, if ever I got into
serious debt, I could become a rent

boy.

Maybe a last resort, obviously.

There's a chap at work who told me I've
quite a demand for my type.

Ginger choir boy, he calls it.

I'm not sure he knows all this, the chap
at work.

Usually just talks about foreign
settlements.

Have very pert buttocks, apparently.

Something the punters are particularly
keen on.

Probably won't happen.

God, where am I going to find nine big
ones?

If you do go to prison, you will tell us
exactly what goes on in there, won't

you? Tell me all the details about what
the women get up to with each other.

In the showers, we were so lathering
each other up.

Gently at first, then more vigorously.

A stern but strangely attractive guard
comes in and finds them. Shut up, Matt!

I can't go to prison.

It's all right, Mark will come and visit
you, won't you, Mark? Yeah, yeah, I'll

smuggle you in a file up my jacksy.

They smuggle the file in a cake.

They put their drugs up their jacksy.

what you've done, you ginger fool.

Do you think she'll stop soon?

No.

She better.

EastEnders is on in a minute.

You're in finance, Mark.

Helper, give us some financial advice.

What would that Turkish tosser at the
bank say?

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Yeah, what would Wally Bazum say?

No, that's no good. I just can't aspire
to think like Wally Bazum. Don't mean

too high, Matt.

No,

you. I'm going to take charge of the
situation.

Have we got some smelling salts?

I don't think so.

We've got some salt. Well, that'll do.
Go and get it.

Mandy, I want you to lie down.

I don't want you to be frightened.

You're still in shock.

I'm going to make you better by giving
you the kiss of life.

Oh, she bit me.

I don't know where my lost tetanus was.

Shit, my heart.

I can feel my jaw locking already.

A glass of water? I don't want a glass
of water. I've got an aversion to water.

She's giving me rabies.

Just sprinkle it on her.

We don't bite people in this country.
It's just one of those little unspoken

rules. No biting.

You feeling better now, man?

No, I'm not.

Hey, man, I've just thought your novel.

You'll get some money for that, won't
you?

I haven't got a little way to go yet.

It's not my fault. Nobody could write a
novel living in this place of torment.

I've written a novel.

Well, it's not really a novel, it's
just...

I've written down a few of my thoughts
and feelings about Claire.

I'll read you a bit, if you like.

Claire Teresa Deirdre Monaghan. That's
the title.

My perfect summer with Claire.

That's the subtitle.

To my beloved Claire, who inspired this
book and turned me from a boy to a man.

That's a dedication.

Thanks to Claire Monaghan for being so
beautiful.

That's the acknowledgement.

Right, now the first chapter.

The very first time I saw Claire...
Sorry, mate. I just, er...

Right.

Just the one left today, is it?

Yeah.

Doesn't seem enough, does it?

I really should generate more work than
that on my salary.

I earn an absolute fortune, you know.

You could save it up for your pig farm.

Maybe. Why not?

You're old enough to choose what you
want to do.

I mean, what would happen if you decided
to leave the company? It couldn't be

that awful.

My family would never speak to me again.

Maybe you don't like them anyway.

They wouldn't let me see our old
Labrador, Jinty.

You'd buy a brand new puppy for your new
start.

I'd lose my inheritance, which is worth
about four million.

Not so bad here.

Maybe I should forget about the money.

I mean, how important is money, anyway?

You know, Tom Plain, I envy the wage
slave who earned just enough to lead a

pleasant, fulfilling life without the
pressure of an inheritance to worry

Their lives must have a charming
simplicity.

Bollocks.

Sorry, Archie, but it's not pleasant and
fulfilling at all.

It's a horrible daily grind of menial
jobs. There's never enough money.

I mean, before you know it, you could
quite easily find yourself £9 ,342 .71

debt.

At least I imagine that's what it must
be like.

I'm sorry.

Have you got financial problems, Mandy?

Me?

No, I wasn't talking about me just then.
I'm absolutely fine.

Right, I'll go and type this up pronto.

Man, I need to speak to you about
something.

I didn't want to say it in front of Matt
because it's a bit personal.

Can't you understand, Mark?

I've got my own problems at the moment.

I've got time to listen to you whinging
on about Claire's heavenly sun -kissed

bosoms today, all right?

It's not about that.

I just want to say I've got £5 ,000 I
could lend you if you want.

£5 ,000?

Yeah.

I was saving up for me and Claire in
case she ever came back to me.

Doesn't look as if she ever will.

If she's out of my life for good, I know
that now.

Oh, Mark.

You poor old thing.

Must have been really dreadful having
your heart broken like that.

You've been very brave, though.

So when can I have that five grand?

Two days ago, you said she did live
here.

No, she moved out.

It was very sudden.

Could you give me her forwarding
address, please?

She didn't leave one.

I see.

This is where things start to get a bit
unpleasant, Mr Malone.

Yeah?

Will you write to your neighbours to see
if they know where Miss Wilkins has

gone?

It can get very embarrassing.

No need to be embarrassing me, Tess.

If you hear from her, perhaps you could
give us a ring.

I gave you my card, didn't I? Yep, and I
gave you my card.

You have very interesting hands, by the
way, Tess.

I'm sorry?

I'm a palmer.

I read palms. I can't help noticing
people's hands.

You've got very large hands, don't you?
I'm large for a woman.

I bet you've got a good firm grip.

I'm quite strong.

Why don't you come in for a cup of tea
and I'll give you a complete reading?

No, thanks. I'm busy.

Free of charge.

Look, mate, I don't believe in palmistry
or any of that stuff.

I think it's a load of rubbish.

But you're a girl.

All girls believe it. It's genetic.

I don't.

I get it.

Both hands.

You're a sex change, isn't you?

Oh, sorry, mate. I wouldn't have come on
to you if I'd known.

When you had your knob chopped off, did
you feel like that?

What's it feel like? Something like
this, I imagine.

I'm not a transsexual.

Mate.

You've got a beautiful palm here, Mandy.

And... Something incredible's just
happened. Yeah, later, Mark. I'm reading

man's palm. You know, Mark, reading her
palm... Claire rang me at the office.

Claire actually rang me.

Um...

I'm clear, ain't me?

Well, what did she want?

She wanted the Boris' money.

She's been off work for a bit and she's
got herself into debt, so I immediately

wrote out a cheque and sent it off to
her.

Of course that doesn't affect the money
you were going to lend me, does it,

Martin? Of course not!

Well, it does a bit.

Actually, I can't lend you the full
amount any longer.

I can let you have 25 quid. No!

Stop!

What, are you going back out with her,
are you? No, not exactly. She can't see

me at the moment because her life's very
complicated, but she'll be in touch

again soon.

I think this might be the turning point
for me and Claire.

I think maybe she still loves me.

Cosser.

Did you a big favour yesterday, man,
getting that Freeman so -called woman

your back?

Oh, no, thanks.

You should thank me.

I just did.

I mean, thank me.

What? I lied my bollocks off to save
your ungrateful skin, and you haven't

the common decency to let me have one
little shag. I mean, you've shagged

everybody else in the entire cosmos.

And you owe me six months' rent.

Oh.

All right, then.

What?

My room or yours?

Mine.

I don't think you should do it, Matt.

She's very vulnerable at the moment.
You'd be taking advantage.

Yeah, I know.

Actually, Matt, I think she's a bit
unhinged. I mean, look at the way she

bursting into tears all the time. She's
probably got temporary insanity.

Perky little chaps, aren't they?

Their nipples.

What are you smiling at?

Nothing.

Don't talk about my nipples anymore, all
right?

OK.

That two brave little soldiers standing
to attention.

Mandy!

Why don't you take your trousers off so
we can have a look at the sergeant

major?

You're cheating.

You keep talking and putting me off.
You've got to shut up or it's not fair.

OK. OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What's wrong? You seem a little bit
tense, Matt.

Nothing. Completely relaxed.

Mmm.

I can smell you.

Smell quite nice, actually.

It's quite a delicate smell.

It's a bit like earth after it's been
raining.

No?

No, it's more tangy than that.

There's definitely a hint of sea breeze
in there, too.

Are you saying I've got B .O. or
something?

Eh?

What?

So sexy, don't you think?

in people's armpits and talking about
nipples.

Normal people shag normally like normal
people.

Are you all right in there, Mandy?

Yes, I'm fine, thank you, Martin.

Get out, you pervert!

Didn't do it, then?

No. I didn't feel like it in the end,
mate.

Well, you cheered her up, anyway.

Tess.

Dear Mr. Bostic, I'm very sorry to hear
you think that Kevin may have

impregnated Cleopatra.

He's certainly never been attracted to
golden retrievers in this way before.

It's Cleo's fault. She's always jumping
into his sty and licking him.

Bit of a pig teaser.

Pig teaser.

Miss Wilkins?

Yes? Tess Freeman, Cooper & Stebbing.
Acting on behalf of, well, more or less

every credit card company in England,
actually.

Now, look here.

Land is at work.

These premises are private property.
I've a letter to deliver to Miss

then I'm done.

I've got to go to court.

Wait a moment.

Poo -poo, how much for?

It's all on there.

Archie? Mandy, I won't take an open
answer.

We'll call it a loan, and you can pay it
back when you like.

A pleasure doing business with you.

It's very rare to close a case without
actually beating anyone up.

Please don't be angry.

I knew you'd be far too proud to accept
a loan if I gave you any choice in the

matter.

Angry.

Proud? You must be joking.

I'm so happy I could kiss you.

What do you reckon? Am I a better kisser
than Kevin?

Are you all right?

It's just a silly impulse, really.

I suppose he's desperately in love with
me now.

Is he going to be your new boyfriend?

I would be.

He's asked me out on a date.

If I'm going to marry money, I suppose
I'd better do it before I lose my look.

But you wouldn't marry someone just for
the money, would you?

Oh, of course not.

Would that be a terrible thing to do?

Speaking for myself, Maddy, it would be,
yeah. But I just couldn't do it with

someone unless I really loved them.

Well, maybe I could.

But I'll be thinking about Claire all
the time, obviously.

Obviously.

Last night I added up all the money you
paid into the Clare book.

Me and Matt have made over a grand each.

That means I've mentioned her on average
about 16 .5 times a day since we split

up. Really?

Seemed like a lot more.

Since you ring me, man.

OK, Wilkins.

Get in that bedroom, I'm ready this
time.

That shag you promised me, I'm ready
this time.

It was a once -in -a -lifetime offer,
Matthew.

Yeah, but I'm ready.

Smell that!

It's got an armpit fetish. Drives her
insane.

It was a joke, Matthew.

I wouldn't come between you and your
bird.

Where's my rent?

I mean it this time, Mandy.

I want my rent or I'm going to throw you
back out to the gutter.

Certainly, Matt.

Your rent's over there, all 1 ,250
quid's worth. My share of the clay box

Sorry it's building 50p.

Still, you could always go out to the
bank tomorrow to change it, couldn't

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