Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the black,

and the sacred moments of dilliness are where I

find my heaven, where I find my heaven.

Am I boring?

I am, aren't I? I know I am.

I'm tedious.

If I was interesting, Claire wouldn't have left me.

I am boring, aren't I, Matt?

Do you think I should grow some sideburns?

Would I be interesting then?

I think you should make the tea. I'd be interested in you then.

Well, mildly interested.

I'm going to buy a black polo neck jumper from Marks & Svensson tomorrow.

Tea!

What do you make of old Jung, then?

And his theory of the collective unconscious.

Carl Jung.

What a thinker, right? What a dreamer. It's hard I've loved a good chat with

him. Yeah, you could have made him a cup of tea.

I overheard this bloke talking about Jung when I was in this interesting cafe

where I buy my sandwiches.

He was very...

Interesting. Yeah, he had on a black polo neck and he was talking to this

blonde woman.

I couldn't hear what she was saying, but she was probably interesting as well.

She had clogs on.

You could tell they were shaggy. I mean, not right there in the cafe. Mark, will

you make me a cup of tea, please?

I can't, then.

It makes me too sad.

It reminds me of when I used to make cups of tea for Claire.

She took one and a half sugars in tea and two in coffee.

Did she?

Yeah, she did.

She'd have a little sip and she'd say, Oh, Martin, that's nectar.

And sometimes she'd say, You've forgotten the sugar, you great idiot.

And once she said, This milk's on the turn, Martin. Did you not smell it

putting it in?

But usually she'd... Guys, Martin, Matthew, this is Patrick.

Would you mind entertaining him while I finish getting ready?

Hello, Mies.

Hello, lad.

Is he gone?

What do you make of Jung?

His theory of the subconscious.

The collective.

I was just gonna make a cup of tea. Do you want one?

Yeah, not for me, thanks.

Are you interested in comedy, Matty?

No. What are you interested in?

Um, sex and drugs and rock and roll, that kind of shit.

With girls, the sex.

Who's this?

And who's this?

Bruce Willis holding a fish.

Matt,

I'll see you later.

Take care.

I'm only doing this to get a shag.

That does a bit of stand -up, that's his catchphrase.

Oh, yeah, right, good one. Only doing this to get a shag. Brilliant.

Awesome.

Tosser.

Northern tosser.

Well, you seem like a nice bloke.

Calls himself a stand -up comedian.

Bet he couldn't get a laugh out of a dingo.

I bet he couldn't get a laugh out of a dingo on Laughing Gas.

See, I'm funnier than him without even trying.

I bet I could do stand -up.

What's funny about that?

Oh, God, Martin, you're so thick.

Dingo, dingo, they laugh, don't they?

I mean hyena.

Hyena on laughing gas. I bet he couldn't get a laugh out of one of them.

A laughing hyena on laughing gas.

It's the way you tell them, Matt.

Why are you fighting back?

I scream, yin, yin, get off me, help, like you normally do.

I don't mind you hurting me now. It distracts me from the pain in my heart.

Well, that's taken all the fun out of it for me.

Hey, let's cheer ourselves up.

Let's get the binoculars out and see the girls changing in the flats out the

back like we used to.

No, I can't, Matt. I'm going to work.

No, Matt.

You've been to work today. It's the evening now.

I'm doing some voluntary work.

Trying to give my pitiful life meaning.

Voluntary work?

Night watch.

You know, the crisis line.

People who are sad or depressed or suicidal ring up and we talk to them.

People who are suicidal ring you up?

Yeah, to talk.

What is this, some sort of scheme to bring the population down?

Actually, we provide a very useful service.

So what do they say, these people?

Well, some of them just want company.

Some of them have specific problems.

A lot of them are anxious about their sexuality.

Losers.

We get people who are, for example, a bit hotel motel.

Or bisexual, as we call it down at the centre.

But they don't want to admit it to themselves. And if you suggest to them

they're hotel motel or bisexual, they get all angry. What are you going on

about, you stupid bollock head?

I expect you miss Jason a lot. Who?

Well, you know, Jason.

No. But he was your... You know, you and he... No, we didn't.

I thought you... No!

It's OK, Matt.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

You know, men and other... You know, men being together.

It's silly to deny it.

When all those nights you spent in your room, and that time when me and Mandatsy

came in and saw you, you know, when you were actually in bed together, without

any clothes on.

Am I being a bit too confrontational, Matthew?

All right, Tesney.

Bye, Tesney. Bye.

Did you just give that caller your home number?

No.

I heard you.

Look, this whole system falls apart if we take our work home.

Right.

I'll just... Hello, this is Martin.

I'm listening if you want to talk.

Yeah, I've got this problem with me girlfriend.

Yes? Yeah, she's wearing me out. She wants to have sex all the time.

She's insatiable.

Well, have you talked to her about this? Well, I can't. She just leaps on me and

starts ripping off her nurse's uniform.

Nurse's uniform?

Yeah. Yeah, she just comes through the door and she says, Come on, me darling,

let's make love on the kitchen table tonight.

She's Irish.

She wasn't born in Hereford and Worcester, eh?

Has she got a tiny little scar on the inside of her left thigh in the shape of

an arrow that she got from a splinter off a sea star when she was seven?

Yeah, yeah, she has, how do you know?

Oh, God!

What's the matter?

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Martin? Oh, God, oh, God!

Martin, shut up, it's me, it was a joke.

I don't think that was very funny.

I do.

Oh, so your name's Frank and you're a transvestite now, are you?

You're very funny, you sick bastard.

You really are the scum of the earth.

You could just sod him well bugger off because I've got people with real

problems who need me.

Guess what colour my new suit is? I don't know.

Yellow?

It's green, Clare.

I bet you never thought you'd see me in a green suit, did you?

You said I only wore grey suits, but it's not true.

And it's got these really unusual lapels. Well, not like normal lapels.

much more interesting than normal lapels.

Mr Deadlock couldn't stop staring at me when I wore it.

I think he might be starting to notice that I'm management material, Clare.

Look, he was giving my suit.

Good for you.

And I hardly watch television anymore.

I think it's pretty unrewarding to sit around drinking cups of tea and watching

telly all the time like I used to.

I'll leave that to the losers.

Actually, I'm thinking of getting a tattoo.

Really?

What of?

Ah, haven't decided yet.

Might go for the dagger, you know, with blood dripping off the end.

I don't like tattoos.

Well, it was just an idea I've been bouncing around for a bit.

Probably won't do it.

Well, I'd better be getting back to work now, Martin. Yep.

Busy, busy, busy.

You, I mean. And me. Our lives are busy, that is.

OK, then. I'll be seeing you, Martin. Yep. Catch you later.

Claire? Yes?

I thought I might cash in my pension plan, buy a motorbike and travel round

India on it.

I'm not coming back to you, Martin.

Definitely not.

Definitely not.

You're needed care overdose patient.

What about

ginger

-haired people?

They're horrible, aren't they?

What's the point, right? They clash.

Clash with everything.

Robert De Niro.

Robert De Niro holding a fish.

Look at me.

You're looking at me.

What if Robert De Niro had been Ginger, right?

The Ginger Godfather.

He just wouldn't have got the part, would he? No, you couldn't have a Ginge

playing a high -ranking member of the Mafia, no. He would have been Ginger

Passerby.

I'm just passing by.

Piss on a student if he was on fire. Right, student over there, on fire, very

sorry, but the zip stays zipped.

Thank you.

Hey, what about a ginger student?

Ah, shitty death, right? I'd rather be a skunk pussy than a ginger student.

Oi, ginger student goes up to Robert De Niro.

Hi, Bob, do you want to see my skunk... pussy.

Bob's holding his fish as usual.

You're talking to me?

You're talking to me? Jim's a student mother.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, man.

What are you up to?

Oh, nothing. Just, you know, just... What's it got to do with you, anyway?

I just wondered what you were up to.

So I was a northern tosser, then.

I beg your pardon? You know, thingy Bernard Manning.

Worn him out already, have you?

Still, nice to get back to normal. Little shagger Wilkins and her northern

bloke. Actually, it's not like you think.

Patrick's helping me. Helping you get out your knickers?

Oh, God.

One day, Matthew, you'll realise there's more to life than getting laid.

Patrick thinks I have potential.

He thinks I could do stand -up.

Don't, all right? Just don't.

Stand -up, I like it.

Actually... I was telling him about my tragic life marooned with these two sad

little men in this hostel for losers.

And he said to me, that's not everyday misery, man.

That's material.

Do you know, I think he's right.

Like that time I came home early from work. You didn't hear me, remember?

You were just marching up and down the flat with nothing on except a hunting

cap. Shouting, look at that great big willy lady. You can hang your hat on

baby.

Tea, Matt.

Tea, Andrea.

God, I was having a really good dream.

Sorry.

I dreamt I was in The Girl Guide.

Somehow no -one knew that it was me and not a 14 -year -old girl.

I bet you were just about to shag one of them when I woke you up, weren't you?

No.

I was doing my best friend Andrea's hair in plaits.

Life and sex, you know, Martin.

Could we have a word, Matt?

Not if it's about Claire. If I hear any more of that dreary saga, I'm going to

have to evict you.

Right.

Well, actually, it's not about Claire.

It's about one of the callers.

You know, the people who ring the crisis centre?

Nothing to do with Claire whatsoever.

Good.

What, this caller?

His girlfriend left him recently and he's really upset about it. Oh, shame.

But he can't stop thinking about her. The caller can't.

He asked her to have him back, but she doesn't want to know.

Apparently, she thinks he's boring.

He sounds boring.

Well, he's not.

He may not be a bit flamboyant, but he's actually a pretty decent sort of bloke.

And the thing is, he really loves her very much and he knows no -one else

ever love her as much as he does.

The caller, I mean.

Called this caller.

Toasty.

His name's Toasty.

It's because of his face.

It's big and square and flat like a piece of toast.

Toasty.

He waits for her after work and, um, follows her.

Does he?

Where does she go?

Church. She's a Catholic.

He wants to know how he can get her back.

I know.

He lets her find him praying at her church.

Yeah? She thinks, hello, he's religious.

Knickers off, no problem.

Really? That's brilliant. I'll do that.

I mean, you know, I'd tell Toasty to do that.

Thanks, Matt. See you later.

Mark, you're Toasty, aren't you?

How did you guess?

Off out again, man?

Yep. Jimmy Tarbuck, is it?

If you mean am I seeing Patrick, the answer's yes.

He's performing at a club tonight, as a matter of fact, so I'm going to go and

watch him.

I could be a stand -up comedian.

But, Matthew, you can't even leave the flat without passing out. That might

prove a bit of an obstacle.

I could be one if I wanted.

Why haven't you come along tonight?

You could do the open spot.

No, I'm going to stay in tonight. Me and Mark are going to watch telly, have a

few beers.

Really? I thought Mark said he was going out.

In fact, I think he's already gone.

Hello? Hello?

Martin?

Yes, this is Martin.

That's right, yes, yes. I did say call at any time.

No, no, it's good to hear from you, Tesney.

Right. Oh, dear.

That sounds terrible.

The thing is, Sidney, I'm not really Martin, after all. I only said I was

because you were a girl.

Anyway,

as I say, I'm not Martin, so I'll tell him you called. I hope to your bed soon.

Bye.

Bloody hell.

You're going to kill yourself.

I can't come round. I can't go out.

I can't. I've got this... Tesney, please stop crying.

Of course you're not going to kill yourself if I don't come round.

Where do you live?

But that's mine. I have to get a bus.

Shit!

I'm not Martin.

Is that... Tesney?

Tesney?

Oh no you don't!

Sorry,

I was just... Do you want to fight?

Watch it.

Am I too late?

I'm sorry?

Tesney, is she dead?

I'm Tesney.

Oh, my God!

What?

You'll be okay.

I'm here now.

You must be Martin. Look, I'm sorry about ringing you like that. No, it's

I know how you feel.

We all want to kill ourselves sometimes.

No, it's all right.

I'm fine now. Some friends came round.

What?

Your face is bleeding, Martin.

You're in a right state, aren't you? You'd better come in.

My mum and dad snuffed it.

I wasn't there.

There was a car crash.

Why don't you come in? I wasn't there.

I was at Martin Henson's house.

His mum made the best gravy.

He could have had a bowl of it, like a bowl of soup. It was so lovely.

I used to ask if I could lick my plate and she used to let me.

I was round there having my dinner when it happened, do you understand?

But they found me, and... Thank you for coming round here, Martin. It was very

nice of you.

I'll look after you.

You're safe now.

Karen!

Susie!

I think you'd better call an ambulance, Tesney.

Changed your ship?

That's because I'm sick of waiting outside and following me, Martin.

You knew?

I don't think undercover operations are your strong point.

Well, what's my strong point?

Being a good and loving and loyal boyfriend, and look where that got me.

Martin, you'd better go home. Keep it off.

Come with me.

I've got work.

Martin, go home.

Oh, God.

I believe this is the Accident and Emergency Department.

And I believe I've got an emergency.

It's my heart.

It's had an accident.

It's got broken and I've come here to get it mended by Dr.

Clare. Oh.

What's my treatment to be?

Look, your treatment to be is smack round the head of you. Don't bugger off!

Well, how would that help me?

Susie. Pegney's friend.

We're on the same course.

I hope you didn't mind, um, about me kissing you.

You look so nice lying there, I couldn't help myself.

You know, like you're sleeping beauty when he makes you a kiss.

You're ginger.

Paula, I was so incredibly boring.

So I couldn't do anything about it.

But if she told me I was boring when she first noticed, then I could have become

exciting straight away.

And then maybe she wouldn't have done the thing she did. I mean, the thing of

chucking me.

I should go, Simon.

I've got this essay I've got to finish by Monday.

But I'd like to meet up again. You know, I mean, if you'd like to.

Yeah.

I mean, I'll get my girl to call your girl and we'll sort something out, yeah?

I haven't got a girl. I'm a student.

Oh, neither have I.

I don't know why I said that.

I'm sorry about this, but I'm afraid we need the bed. So if you're up to it, you

can go home now. Yeah, I'm fine, sure.

The doctor will be along in a minute or two.

Matthew! What are you doing here?

My flatmate. She's supposed to be bright. You wouldn't know it, would you?

on, get off the bed.

Can't you come and lie down?

You're OK, Leo. What did you do? Give him one of your love bites?

No.

Miss Willis's cousin was in the audience.

Shh! You hear that?

Claire, where are you?

Oh, sorry.

Martin!

Hello, mate.

Hello, mate.

Am I at home?

This is my other flatmate, Martin.

Martin, this is my friend Susie.

I used to have a friend. She was a nurse.

Are you a nerd?

No, I'm a student.

Oh, that's interesting.

Matthew thinks students are the scum of the earth, don't you, Matthew?

What are you talking about, Mark?

I've got nothing but respect and admiration for people in higher

This is ridiculous.

Everyone who isn't hurt has to go home. That includes you, Martin.

Why don't you want me any more, Claire? Is it because I'm boring?

Because I'm ginger?

Is it because my tad is too small?

Because I don't love you.

Claire, I've taken an overdose.

72 painkillers.

I'll be dead soon.

Oh, my God.

Quick, get up there.

You stay here, I'll get the doctor. He's taken an overdose.

We need to do a blood test and give you the antidote by intravenous infusion.

Wait a minute.

Are you upset?

Are you sorry now?

It's the thought of life without me unbearable. Do you want me back if I

die? Martin, we haven't got time for this now.

Martin, why didn't you tell us you were so unhappy?

I've been crying day and night for two weeks. I thought, why didn't you talk to

me? You said if I mentioned Claire again, you'd burn my face off with the

I didn't mean it, Martin.

Shall I do me Bruce Willis for him?

with you, you know, outside.

Do you think I'm quite a good bloke then, really? Not a ginger tosser after

Of course you're not, mate. You're not a ginger tosser.

You're orphan haired.

An orphan haired good bloke.

Stop!

I haven't really taken an overdose. I did it to get Claire back.

What do you think, Claire?

Did it make you realise how much you love me after all?

Can we get back together again now?

Will you write property of Claire Monaghan on my bottom in Redborough like

did before?

Say you will, Claire.

Say you will.

You will, Claire, won't you?

I guess it's over.

You'll meet other girls, Mark.

I don't want to meet other girls.

Look, things change.

Look at Matthew.

Deeply in love with a ginger student.

He's probably deciding what degree he'd like to do.

Yeah, Matt Malone, BA.

Yeah, and his big coat from Oxfam.

You've been a student, Ben. What do students do?

Well, they lie around drinking cups of tea mostly, watching Countdown, Ready,

Steady, Cook, talking about the sex they never really have.

Yeah.

Matthew Malone, student.

I could handle that.