Original subtitles

But the name of it is only for the best.

And the sacred moments of silliness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Who's just wrong?

What are you wearing all that look for?

You going on the game?

You know I'm celibate, Matt.

No, I was just, um, you know, I was just reminiscing.

Anyway, guess who's just wrong?

Stote. You know, Stote from school. Oh, I remember him. Yeah, nutter.

Always liked tying people up a lot.

She used to go out with him.

Oh, so that's what all this is about. Oh, don't be so silly. I'll have...

Ten years? Yeah, since he was expelled.

You two went to the same school?

Yeah, but Matt was just a titsy little second year, whereas I was a

sophisticated fourth -former. Yeah.

You were dead sophisticated that time Miss Seaborn caught you and Gavin

Underwood snogging in the station recovered.

Oh, don't bring that up.

Well, it sounds pretty tame.

Gavin Underwood was the physics teacher.

I was the child and he was the adult. Anything that occurred between us was

fault. Anyway, nothing much did occur between us.

Miss Seaborn was Gavin Underwood's fiancée.

She attempted suicide not long after that. Matt, shut up!

He got the sack.

She left him.

He couldn't get a teaching job after that.

She had three nervous breakdowns. She lost her job.

He still wanted to marry her, but she wouldn't have anything to do with him.

He attempted suicide and nearly succeeded.

He was in hospital for months on a life support machine. She wouldn't visit or

have anything to do with it.

So sad.

Got a happy ending, though.

Well, they got back together again.

No, but man got an A for her O -level physics.

Excuse me, boys.

She's very violent recently, isn't she? Yeah, sort of celibacy, mate. It's

driving her mad.

A girl like Mandy needs her oats.

Hello, Mandy.

Oh!

Don't! My God, I didn't recognise you.

You still look the same.

Oh, I was just, you know... Come in, come in.

Is it all right, me being here?

Because I can go home if it's like a difficult time or anything.

Is it?

No, no. It's lovely to see you.

You speak all posh now.

Do I?

Well, look at you. I never thought I'd see you in a suit.

Why not?

Well, I just, you know, I... Well, you thought I wouldn't make anything of

myself because I went to Ballstool?

No, no.

It's just that I never thought that you were the suit type.

Well, you're wrong there, because I'm the suit type.

I've got ten suits at home.

I wear a suit every day.

Sometimes I go home at night and I change into a different one.

No, I don't.

I don't know why I said that.

I sound like a right nutter, don't I?

You see, what it is... Oh, shit, this is hard.

I'm really nervous, man.

Seeing you after all these years.

You look lovely.

Thanks, how do you?

Did you ever think about me when I went?

I didn't think about anything else for about a year.

Didn't you?

Mm -mm.

I kept playing those Simon and Garfunkel tracks.

Remember the ones we used to play at your dad's flat at dinner time?

You know, when we used to... Yeah, I remember.

Do you remember that time when we got to biology late and Mrs O 'Brien asked me

why I had my dress on inside out? And then she stared at me and said, why have

you got your jumper on inside out? And you said it's because you were revising

your reproduction.

I thought you'd have a family or you'd be married or something by now.

No, no, I haven't.

And, you know, I'm not.

And you?

I've been in the Navy till this year.

I didn't have the chance to meet the right person.

Right.

I'll put the kettle on so we can have a cup of tea.

Or you can come say hello to Matthew and Jason.

Who?

Matthew, who we went to school with.

Jason, who I went to college with.

Jason's trying to help Matthew overcome his agoraphobia.

Well, he's supposed to be.

They're sort of going out with each other.

Except Matt doesn't realise that because he's in denial. He thinks they're just

a couple of good friends who wrestle a lot.

What?

Oh, never mind.

It's a nice place.

Yeah, it's all right.

You don't work for yourself?

Well, you've got a good job, have you?

No, my parents kick the bucket.

Oh, sorry, mate, I didn't realise.

Oh, forget it. I have.

Biggest favour they ever done me.

I sold their poxy bungalow. Yeah, I sold my dad's poxy collection of military

shit. I had their poxy King Charles Spaniel put down. No!

We didn't. It ran away and Brenda Stubbs at number seven found it and looked

after it. Oh, right. I was going to have it put down, but she wouldn't give it

back. No, but I feel for you, mate.

Parents dying, that's heavy shit.

Oh, that's great!

I got three shags first week they popped their clothes.

It was so easy.

I don't know what it was, something about being an orphan or something.

Just seemed to make girls want to take their clothes off.

Come on, you should try it, mate. You just go out with some girl and you say,

mum's dead, give us a shag.

And they will, I bet you.

So how's your mum's date?

Well, she was in remission for a few years, but then...

Well, then it came back and it sort of ate her all up inside.

She was like a tiny little bird in the end.

She was all frail.

But she's still there with me, though.

She hasn't gone away.

That is the trouble with parents, isn't it, eh?

Always poking their nose in, stealing your porn mags, trying to make you

your pants.

Matthew!

Stokes' mum died.

So your mum's dead as well?

And here I am telling you what to do.

Talk about teaching your grandmother to suck eggs.

So, did you have any luck in your old shagging department when your old dear

the dust?

Matthew, get the door.

Me? Now.

I don't usually.

Don't take any notice, Stoke.

When his parents died, he didn't talk to anyone for months.

And after that, only if they addressed him as Travis Bickle.

Martin's not in, then?

No, he's not back from work yet. He should be home soon.

Oh, God, I'm shattered.

We two died this morning, and a third one touch and go.

Places full of relatives sobbing and clutching one another.

I thought the day was never going to end, and five minutes before I go off

this third one starts coughing and choking and flinging her arms and legs

around.

Like coughing up blood, was she? Oh, she was coughing up all sorts.

Green stuff, black stuff, mauve stuff.

Her hanky could have won the Turner Prize.

How's your throat doing that?

Oh, hello.

You're new.

Claire, this is Stoat.

I tell you what, why don't I pop down the offy and I'll get some booze?

That'll cheer us up, won't it?

So did you not get lonely then, Stoat, did you?

No.

It's like you've got this huge family.

All your mates are like your brothers.

My best mate was Scotty.

That was his nickname.

He was Scottish.

And what about girlfriend?

Can you miss having girlfriends?

Oh, I had a girlfriend.

In Tahiti.

Jenny, her name was.

I was the only one she used to do it with for free.

What, you mean she was a... She was a pro, yeah.

But she loved me.

Oh, that's really sweet.

Shit, the news.

No -one wants to watch this, do they? Yeah, I do.

Never miss the news.

Only decent bit of violence you get on the telly. The two prisoners who escaped

from Brixton Prison earlier today... First reports indicate that it was over

this wall that Christopher Garrett and Leslie Foster made their escape this

afternoon. Both are armed and extremely dangerous and should not be approached

under any circumstances.

Oh, and a third prisoner was also thought to have been involved in the

Third prisoner?

Me?

I'm not third prisoner.

I'm twice as dangerous as them two will ever be.

If them two are extremely dangerous, then I must be... Bastard world

Maybe they thought they didn't need to mention you were dangerous because

not armed.

But I am armed!

I just don't understand it.

I mean, they're not dangerous.

Well, especially compared to me, they're not.

Well, I suppose they're dangerous -ish, if you want to stretch a point, but...

Well, no.

No, Foster's just not dangerous. No -one could call him dangerous.

I've beaten him up so many times, I've lost count.

My granny could have beat him up.

He used to have a cat, could have kicked shit out of Leslie Foster.

So, so it was all lies? All that stuff about the Navy.

And what about Scotty?

Sell me.

He was in the Navy years ago.

And what about Jenny, who used to do it with you for free?

She used to do it with Scotty for free when he was in the Navy.

I thought it sounded nice.

You know, romantic.

What about that suit?

Where did you get it?

Oh, there's a funny story about this suit.

I was walking through the park on my way here.

And I suddenly thought to myself, well, I can't just turn up there with my

convict's gear.

And then I saw this geezer who's got this suit, and I thought, I'll have

So I got it.

What geezer?

I don't know. Some ginger tosser.

Mickey, leave.

Leave it.

I suppose you're one of those young conservatives.

You called Martin, mate?

Sorry, mate.

Come in there.

I can't believe she's gone into the bedroom with him.

I can't believe she's going to shag that psycho when she's never had the common

decency to give me or you one.

I can understand her not giving you one, obviously, but me?

It just doesn't make sense.

Actually, now that I've been going out with Claire for a bit, I've had plenty

opportunity to hone my lovemaking skills.

And I feel confident that I could pleasure Mandy satisfactorily, sort of

if the occasion arose.

Do what?

You know, make her come.

What for?

What for what?

Oh, if you need it spelling out, mate.

And what I'm trying to say is, why bother?

Who cares if the girl comes or not? I don't.

Actually, Matt, it's regarded as a sophisticated thing to do these days.

You know, all the dead -hard sexy blokes make women cum.

You know, Jeremy Paxman, people like him.

How do you know that?

Oh, it's common knowledge.

It's the sort of thing they have articles about in Banking Gazette.

Do you mean to say that when you've had sex with girls, you haven't given them

an orgasm?

I don't give them an orgasm as such.

Well, they just have them naturally.

Yeah, they can't help themselves, cos I'm such a horny bastard.

One look at my equipment and they go into orgasmic spasms.

One touch of it and they feel practically unconscious.

And that's the way I like them, after all.

When I gave Claire an orgasm for the first time, I was ever so proud.

Before that, the proudest I'd ever been was when I passed my banking stage ones.

But there's no comparison, I can tell you.

You, er, just give her the one orgasm per session sort of thing, do you?

Wait, yes, actually.

Well, you do realise the national average is seven, don't you?

And now we're all going to die, so Claire and me will never achieve it.

You're not going to cut anyone's ear off or anything, are you, Stoke? I don't

know what I'm going to do yet.

I need thinking time.

Right.

You have a think, then.

Have you still got that tattoo on your knee? Oh, Mandy, be quiet.

Can I see it?

What for?

I don't know. It'd just be nice to see it again.

Oh.

It's a bit faded now, isn't it?

Man, don't suppose you'd look... Sorry, don't.

I'm celibate now. I don't do sex.

Oh, right.

It's just my rotten poxy luck.

You used to really like it.

Yeah, I know.

Of course, you've got a gun, though, haven't you?

You could force me to have sex, couldn't you?

You could make me do whatever you liked.

Oh, come on, man, I couldn't do that.

Yes, you could.

You could go, I've got a gun, man.

You have no choice.

Oh!

I've got a gun, man. You have no choice.

What, is it going to force me to have sex with you at gunpoint, are you?

Uh, yeah.

I am. Well, I can't really argue with that then, can I? Come on.

Right.

Oh.

Don't you think it's safer if you tied me up?

Well, you know, in case I try to escape.

Oh, er... I'm afraid I'm going to have to tie you up, man, in case you try to

escape.

Someone having an orgasm, I suppose.

Yep.

Hey, I've just thought.

Claire's supposed to be coming round here tonight.

Maybe she'll be able to rescue us. I shouldn't think so. Why not? Because

tied to Jason in your bedroom.

What? Don't bet if he separated us, we'd be less likely to escape.

My girlfriend is tied to your boyfriend in my bedroom.

Boyfriend?

Boyfriend? What the...

I call that bloody insensitive. I mean, she's my girlfriend.

She's our mate, Martin.

You know, mates.

Yeah, you know, we hang out together.

We watch vids.

All right, so we spend a bit of time in my room alone together.

That's only because we play a lot of darts.

Matter of fact, we've started a darts league.

Yeah, and also when we're alone in my room together, we talk about girls.

Yeah, we're both really into girls.

Jason's going to bring some round next week for a bit of an orgy.

Next Thursday, actually, so I'd be grateful if you could be out because

tossers aren't invited.

It's not only insensitive, it's bloody inconsiderate tying my girlfriend to

another man.

It makes me feel sick to think of him all squashed against her.

Yeah, especially when you know what a shag merchant he is.

How did he leave?

Well, he can't get enough of it, can he?

He's relentless in his pursuit of the opposite sex.

And do girls like him? Do girls like him?

Do girls like him?

Is Martin Henson a ginger tosser?

Stout!

Stout!

What?

Claire, Jason didn't try anything with you, did he?

Try anything? He's gay, Martin.

I know he says he's gay.

What if he just sort of masquerades as a homosexual so he can take other

people's girlfriends off them?

I reckon he's the type for that.

Martin, you're talking rubbish.

I know how he works, Claire.

He lulls you into a false sense of security.

You take your eye off the ball, next thing you know, he's only tightly

against your girlfriend.

Well, my girlfriend, actually, in my bedroom, where me and you do it. I'm

to sleep.

Still, we're together now, though, so that's all right.

Mm. Mm.

I don't know which I enjoyed most.

You being tied to the bed, or me being tied to the bed, or neither of us being

tied to the bed.

It was all lovely, I thought.

That was my first time in three years.

Three years?

I thought I might not be able to, you know.

Nerves and that, but... Well, I managed it, didn't I?

Best ever.

Really? Uh -huh.

Well, better than that night we broke into our tossbag study and done it on

desk.

You're a boy then, Stoke.

You're a man now.

What shall we do now?

I don't want to seem ungrateful, Stoke, but... Well, the thing is, you're still

tied up.

And, er... I've got the gun.

So, er...

I think maybe it's better that I let the hostages go.

Sorry.

Oh, I'll let you escape first, though, of course.

Am I or am I not a complete bloody genius? You're brilliant, Mandy. You

our bacon.

Thanks, man. Cheers.

What are you thanking her for? Is it her fault that lunatic came round here in

the first place?

Oh, stop being so grumpy and give me a little kiss.

Oh, that's disgusting.

He's not really a bad person. He's just... He's just a bit unlucky.

Wasn't he funny when he didn't get a mention on the news?

I couldn't believe it when he pulled that gun out.

What about me? I'm dangerous!

I'm more dangerous than you! I'm bastard well dangerous!

I'm bastard well dangerous as well. I'm the most bastard well dangerous of all!

Oh, yeah.

Fooey here.

What do you mean?

I just got a theory about you.

Have at you, Martin.

Theory? No.

Yeah, you have. You know, your theory you told me when we were tied up.

Go on, tell him, Martin. He'll think it's funny.

I don't think he will, Claire.

Come on, Mark. What's this about?

He reckons that you just pretend to be gay so you can steal other boys'

girlfriends.

No, I really am gay.

No, but he thought that when you and me were tied together that you'd be trying

to take advantage of me. I mean, as if you would.

It's just Matt said... Matt

said you're a real shag merchant and you and him are having an orgy next

Thursday.

I mean, with girls. Maybe I'll be...

As a matter of fact, I love Matthew.

Did you hear that, Matthew? I was telling Martin I'm in love with you.

These are the only biscuits we've got.

Poxy custard creams.

You know what these are, don't you?

These are Granny's biscuits. You expect me to eat your crap?

So disgusting!

God, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise.

Don't worry.

Time me and Matt had a proper talk, anyway.

When are you going to bring my Sonic the Hedgehog socks back?

We need to talk about what Claire said.

I don't know.

You think someone's your mate.

You trust them.

You let them take you on unbelievably dreary expeditions round the park.

You let them borrow your Sonic the Hedgehog socks, even though you want to

your Sonic the Hedgehog socks. And you don't say anything when your Sonic the

Hedgehog socks fail to reappear after I weep and weep and weep. Matt, please.

They're my favourite socks, Jason.

Did you ever think about that when you put them at the back of your sock drawer

and forgot all about them? I treasure those stupid socks, if you want to know.

treasure them because they're yours.

If you won't talk to me properly now, Matt, I'm going to leave and you won't

me again.

Best of luck, what with going out and everything, Matt.

There's nothing to be frightened of, really. I'm not frightened of going out.

Sorry, I forgot. You just can't see the point.

Well,

I hope I've helped you see the point of going out a little more clearly.

How about my socks?

I'll send them to you.

So... What about... What about our darts league?

Oh, just thinking.

Wouldn't it be great to spend a long time just travelling?

Seeing the world and all.

Would you like to go travelling, Martin?

Well, yeah. One day.

Later on.

When later?

When I retire, I expect.

But you'll be old.

Older, yeah.

Wouldn't you like to swim with the bluefin tuna in the Philippines like

I'd like to do that.

But he made it all up, his travels.

But it makes you think, doesn't it?

About our lives.

We should make the most of them, shouldn't we?

I couldn't just go off, Claire.

I'd bugger up my pension plan.

And my mortgage subsidy.

Look, you go first.

All right.

I... Well,

if you're going to be all night, I'll go first.

I just wanted to say that I didn't mind being a hostage when I was tied to you.

I felt sort of safe.

It felt right, being tied to you.

I wouldn't mind being tied to you for ages.

You know, forever, sort of thing.

So what were you going to say?

I was going to say it.

I think we should split up.

I don't agree.

I've been thinking about it for a while.

I don't agree.

Martin, I want to do things.

I don't want to be just a... A nurse married to a bank clerk.

Look, I'm sorry to hurt you, Martin.

You're a sweetheart.

What are you doing creeping about in the middle of the night like that?

Couldn't sleep.

Spoke left his gun.

Want a game of Russian roulette?

Yeah, all right.

I'll go first.

Martin!

You've got to take some of the bullets out first.

There's something wrong with it.

You don't have to do it, do you? Yeah, I do.

This is a different gun for the ones I'm used to.

Stupid proxy thing probably doesn't work anyway.