Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the blessed.

And the sacred moments of silliness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

But you're not alone.

You are rubbish at arm wrestling, Jason.

What? I hate the way you have to touch the other bloke's hand when you're arm

wrestling like me and Jason were just then.

Just time for a cuppa before I get showered and go over to Claire's for a

more shags. We don't want to know, but thank you, Martin.

I do.

We've made love 19 times so far this week. She adored me. Poor girl.

Sure to get an award for her services to ginger -haired people.

And the trouble is, I'm a bit sore, you know, in my toilet area.

Ever since Solar, actually, I've got this horrible rash.

It's all red.

Claire and me have both got it. It's because we keep shagging all the time.

Have you been to the doctor's with it? Yes, Claire's got to wear only knickers

with a cotton gusset in future.

Martin, we've just had our dinner.

We're supposed to stop till it clears up, but we can't. We're incapable of

stopping. Our desire for each other is phenomenal.

We don't control it, it controls us.

Stupid tosser.

I'm in love.

Wouldn't you like to be in love, Matt?

In love? Me?

Must be joking. We haven't got time for that, have we, Jase, me old mate?

I don't know.

We're too busy fighting and watching football and being generally double

bastards, aren't we, Jase?

We think people who are in love are a bunch of girly shirt -lifting toss

don't we, Jase?

You take no notice, Martin. He's just grumpy because today's the day.

Today's the day what?

Today's the day the teddy bears have their pee.

We agreed, remember?

You and me are going for a little walk in the park?

Maybe you'll see the teddy bears over there.

Matt's looking forward to it, aren't you, Matt?

I wonder if my teddy will be there.

Teddy's name is.

He could have got the train up from Herne Bay for the day.

We're going in a minute, aren't we, Matt?

I expect they'll be shagging under the bushes, the teddies.

Smearing honey over their fur and getting the others to lick it off.

Shut up, Martin.

Right. Oh, I'm off.

See my girlfriend?

You ready, then?

Might not be a good day for it today.

Might be better to wait till it's a better day for it.

Next year or something, when a bit more time's gone by.

It's all right, Matt. I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise.

I'm not scared, mate.

Of course you're not.

You're a double -R bastard, right? Right.

What you wear to go out sort of thing.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Whatever you feel comfortable in.

It's a bad idea.

It's a very bad idea. I want to go home now.

Stay calm, Matthew. Deep breaths. In, out.

In, out. That's it. You're doing fine.

They won't hurt you. They're friendly, aren't you?

That one's giving me a funny look.

Ducks don't give people funny looks. He's staring right at me.

Actually, I think you're right.

Hey, perhaps it's taken a shine to you.

You think so?

Definitely. Look, its feathers are all fluffed up, and look at its beak. What

about its beak?

Well, it's sort of quivering with excitement.

That duck's in love with you.

Got good taste.

Yeah, it has.

Would you like some of my bread?

I've had my tea, thank you.

I think the lady means for the ducks.

Oh, all right.

Yes, thank you very much.

Hi, Mandy.

What are you up to, then?

Stuck in this stuffy old flat again?

You want to get out occasionally?

Commune with nature, yeah. Get some colour into your cheeks. Feel the wind

your hair. The earth under your feet. There's nothing like it, is there, Jase?

Oh, the great outdoors.

Oh, there's animals, plants, all sorts going on out there. Yeah, there's

weather. Yeah, weather going on out there. It's quite nice at the moment,

looks like rain. Yeah, I definitely felt a raindrop on my eyelid.

Oh, Matthew, you've been outside. Well done. Yeah, I'm a piece of piss.

You weren't scared or anything?

Scared? No.

Actually, I think I've got an affinity with nature. Yeah, you know, life in the

raw, that sort of thing.

Tadpoles, twigs.

I'm a natural at nature, aren't I, Jason?

Well, you were certainly getting on very well with that duck.

You want to get out yourself occasionally, Mandy. No offence, but

beginning to look a bit grey and pasty round the old shop.

Well, if you let me know the next time you're going on one of your little

rambles, I'll come with you.

If you're up to it, Mand. But there's no call for high heels and lip gloss out

there, you know. It's just man and the elements.

Man and the elements and the seesaw and the nickel wooden train.

Come on, Jason, let's go and arrange our specimens.

Don't they look nice?

Lovely.

Right.

What shall we do now?

I don't know.

What would you like to do?

Well, I fancy a bit of a wrestle.

What did he say again, that Dr Harding?

Claire? Claire,

are you awake?

Claire?

Got to sleep, Martin.

Early shift tomorrow.

No more shagging tonight.

I don't want to shag. I just want you to tell me again what Dr. Harding said.

What?

You woke me up for that?

Just that I coped brilliantly with that bad burner case, and it was great to

have a competent nurse who could keep a cool head in a crisis.

So what do you think that means?

Oh, for God's sake, it means what it means. Now, will you go and sleep and

me alone?

I suppose I can't really blame him.

Fancying you on me.

I do, so I expect everyone else does as well.

It must be funny being a doctor.

I mean, being constantly surrounded by lovely young girls in nurses' uniforms.

It must be like playing doctors and nurses all the time.

All these sexy girlies bending over across bed so that their uniforms

enticingly across their nice, roundy bottoms.

You're not telling me that doctors don't notice that sort of thing. You're not

telling me that Dr. Harding hadn't noticed your bottom, for example. I

so.

I'm worried about that rash.

What if it's not just a rash? What if it's elephantiasis of the ghoulies or

something?

I just wonder, would you mind just having a tiny little look at it? Just to

check sort of thing. It's all right. And then I'll go to sleep, I promise.

It's absolutely fine.

No elephantiasis at all.

We touch a gangrene, but nothing serious.

No, I'm joking you.

It's a beautiful one, Martin.

Perfect, in fact.

Can't imagine a nicer one, if you want to know.

All right.

Really?

You couldn't imagine a nicer one?

Really? Really.

Blimey.

Is it big as well, or just not?

Me and Jase are just off out down the gym for a workout.

Yeah, we're going in a minute. Out, outside.

Yeah, to the bus stop down the end of the road. Wait for the bus to take us to

the gym where we're going to do our workout. Yeah, outside.

Not in the flat or anywhere near the flat.

Quite a way away on the bus.

It's miles away, actually.

Me, yeah, fine, cool.

Deep breaths now.

In, one, two, three, out.

Just

sit

down here for a minute.

You're OK, are you? I mean, you're coping from the panic. Yeah, yeah, piss,

piss. I like gyms, yeah.

I just remember that gym once.

It was an all -girl gym.

But they let me in because they really fancied me, right?

And guess what?

Tiffany from EastEnders was there, right? In a pale pink lycra top.

She was on a machine like that.

And every time she went... Hang on, I'll just... I'm making light, are you,

mate? No, mate, no, it's just stuck.

Every time her arms went up like this, right, a little crop talk.

Look, I'll show you.

Every time she went like this, right, crop talk was going up and down, right.

Up and down. A little bit higher each time. A bit higher. And she was like...

Well, it's just that to happen, doesn't it?

I'll just go and get a drink.

Do you want one?

Great, yeah, all right, mate. Cheers.

I'll have a beer.

You need to work on the pecs a bit.

Not too much.

Just for definition. You don't want to spoil those lovely boyish looks.

What are you thinking?

Hasn't he got soft skin?

A good little quad.

I remember my first day here. I used to look like that.

So, what's your name, son?

Matthew.

He's off limits. Come on, piss off. Leave him alone.

It's a bit funny in here, isn't it, mate? What do you mean, funny?

I think one or two of them might be arse -bagging.

Oh, look at these two, Jase.

Still sat on their fat, sluggy backsides.

Some of us have been to work today.

Some of us have got to conserve our energy for when we see our girlfriends

and have 42 shags.

You'll rash better then, Martin.

No, worse.

I thought the doctor told you to lay off for a bit. Yeah, he did, man, he did,

and we've tried, but we can't. We're possessed by luck.

The word stupid and wanker springs to mind.

And how was your workout, man?

Intense. Fantastic.

I feel totally invigorated.

Did you feel the burn, Matt? Feel the burn? They had to call the fire brigade

hose me down.

It was worth it, though, because I feel totally awake for the first time in...

Right,

I'm going to go and do my Italian homework.

Does that Italian teacher who fancies you still think you're a virgin?

Yeah, he thinks I've got that idea.

Funny, isn't it?

He said I had an unmistakable air of purity.

Did he?

Funny.

Oh, well, foreign, I suppose.

Well, I'd better go and chuckle my rash.

Don't go, Martin.

Could we have a word? It's about Matt.

Has he said anything to you about me, about his feeling?

What, he said you were a good mate?

Anything else? Anything a bit more affectionate?

Well, yes, actually.

Yeah, he said you were a better mate than me to hang round with because my

ginger hair's off -putting to girls.

Are you all right?

No.

Terrible.

I'm desperately in love with him.

All right.

Fine.

I mean, that's fine, isn't it?

Because, well, you're gay.

Well, Matthew's a bloke, so that's, um... Oh, God.

I want him to be my boyfriend.

Well, that's totally, um, cool and fine with me, because, you know, if that's

what you want to do, then that's what you want to do. And if that's the way

feel, then that's fine.

You know, I think gay people being, um, gay is absolutely fine and they should

be as gay as they want, if they want, and I've got no problem with that

whatsoever.

I wish I knew how Matthew felt about all that.

Well, Matt thinks all gay men should be castrated.

But I'm sure he was joking when he said that.

I think you're doing a very good job helping him about going out and giving

him therapy and everything.

I'm so confused. I need therapy myself.

Well, look, maybe I can help. Give you some therapy.

What do I have to do?

Well, a lot of therapy is simply listening.

Getting the client to talk about their life and trying to find out why they're

so unhappy.

Why don't you get paid for that?

Sorry, sorry.

Fire away.

Well... I can't be long, though, because Claire's coming round.

For a shag.

I suppose it started when... You've met Claire, haven't you?

Yes, I've seen her, yes.

She's so beautiful, isn't she?

Yeah, and that's part of the trouble, really.

Because I can't help thinking she's too good for me.

You know, I can't enjoy being with her as much as I'd like to because I keep

thinking she's going to leave me for someone better looking, with a better

Such as Dr Harding, for instance.

I'd like to kill that bastard.

He's got no right looking at Claire's bottom when he should be saving other

people's lives. I ought to write to the hospital and get that bastard struck

off.

The way I feel about Matthew is... You know, when I'm in bed with Claire, it's

like I've died and gone to heaven.

In fact, it's probably better than heaven, because I shouldn't think you're

allowed to do it doggy fashion in heaven, are you?

Probably just got to do it in a missionary position.

Not that I'd mind.

Any position's OK by me, as long as it's with Claire.

She's a lovely -looking girl.

What do you mean, lovely -looking?

Well, you know, the usual thing.

Physically appealing.

You fancy Claire, don't you?

Oh, not at all.

There's no need to pretend.

Of course you fancy her. Everyone does. Who wouldn't?

It's a bit rich, you coming round here giving me your therapy bit when all

you're really interested in is shagging my girlfriend.

That's right.

She's my girlfriend.

I suppose you didn't bother to think about that before you decided to fall in

love with her.

I'm in love with Matthew.

Right.

Sorry, I...

I suppose I thought you were a bit, you know, hotel motel.

Well, I'm not.

What, you're just hotel, are you?

Or is it just motel?

I'm gay, Martin. I'm just gay.

Right.

Look, I've got to go. Tell Matt I'll come and see him tomorrow.

OK.

I'm glad you opened up to me, Jason.

I hope our little talk helped.

Sport and leisure, please, Matt.

OK.

What well -known colour of pubic hair is most likely to bring about a bout of

severe vomiting?

Huh?

Ginger!

Very mature.

Just because you're losing.

D 'oh, my!

I'm going to go to the loo.

Matt, you remember Marco?

I'll tell Mandy you're here.

Marco's here to see you.

Oh, no!

You and Mark won't leave me alone with him, will you, Mark?

Promise me you won't. I just can't trust myself with that potter.

You can count on me, man. I go out, I go to the gym, I work out. I won't let you

down.

Hi, Marco.

What a nice surprise there. How are you? In summer pain, Mandy.

It's not good.

Is it possible we talk in private?

No.

Um, see, I'm not...

The thing is... The thing is... Mandy doesn't think it's right to be alone

a man, do you, Mand?

I... So why don't you forget trying to get into her knickers?

And leave her alone.

I think it's up to Mandy if I leave her alone or not.

Do you want me to leave you alone, Mandy?

Well, I... See, the thing is, she gets very shy when she's around blokes like

you and she can't talk.

Because she's frightened.

Yes. She's frightened because she's just a young, innocent girl who's had no

experience of men.

She's a girl who'd rather be flayed alive and eaten by tigers than shag a

who wasn't her fiancé.

In fact, you're more likely to get a shag out of the Archbishop of Canterbury

than Mandy Wilkins.

So if that's what you're after, I suggest you try someone a bit less

as Martin's girlfriend, Clara Monaghan.

And anyway, what do you see in Mandy when you can probably pull a really sexy

Italian girl to shag? Oi! Basta!

Your friend is very rude, Mandy.

I'll see you some other time.

See, I told you I'd sort it out, man.

Right, where were we?

Oh, look!

I've won!

Sure, Mark.

I fancy an early night, do you?

Oh, Martin, I can't stay. I've said I'd go to this leaving do for Joanie at

work. I think she would have been upset if I hadn't promised to go.

But why are you here, then?

Well, I couldn't bear to go a whole day without seeing you and kissing you and

telling you how beautiful I think you are and how much I love you.

You're sick of me, aren't you?

Don't be daft. I want to see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow? OK.

I believe I'm available.

Well, give us a kiss, then.

Oh, I'd better go.

OK.

Have a lovely time.

Bye now.

I don't suppose you've got ginger pubes, have you?

I don't suppose you'd be seen dead with ginger pubes.

Martin, what are you doing here?

No, Claire, I'm talking to Dr Harding at the moment.

I suppose your pubes are all black and glossy, you handsome bloody bastard.

Yeah, and you can stop looking at my girlfriend's bottom because you've got

right when you should be taking out people's appendix octomies.

Harding?

Excuse me?

I'm Dr Harding.

I don't quite understand.

Have a tea, Mark.

Why have you got those on?

Awesome out there in that off -licence, wasn't I, Jason? The way I said, give me

that six -pack and a bottle of wild turkey.

Yeah.

You were a double awesome bartender. Cheers, mate.

Look, Matt, could we talk about something?

It's a bit delicate, but I think it's time we... What are you doing, mate?

You know, sometimes you act like a right girly shirt -lifting toss piece.

Sorry, mate.

Come on, let's crack open the alcohol and I'll show you one of my special

videos. This is the life, eh, mate?

Come in.

Marco's here again.

Oh, can't you tell him I'm not in?

This virgin stuff is driving me up the wall.

I think couples should be completely honest with each other when there's been

misunderstanding.

Oh, don't be such a drip. Just go and tell him I'm out.

You can't push me around, Mandy.

Well, I can usually.

Well, not anymore.

Right.

That wasn't very nice, man.

Well, I'm not a very nice woman.

Now, look here. Mandy.

Oh.

Thanks very much. They're lovely.

Now, look here.

I've got something to say to you, Marco.

What is it?

Mandy?

Well, you've got to stop giving me all these flowers.

I mean, they're very nice, but, you know, the pollen gets everywhere. It

right up my nose and it makes me sneeze. No problem.

I take them away.

OK, thanks.

Now, we've got somewhere alone to talk, eh?

Maybe it's better if we just, you know, watch some TV with the boys.

What's this then, Matt?

Looks very avant -garde.

Fascinating. The way you shoot the back view of a sofa.

That looks like our sofa.

They look like my socks.

Those were the old days, eh, man?

You...

You are not what I thought.

How many men have you been with?

Well, it's quite a few, actually.

It's more than three, and it's less than... a hundred.

I think.

So, you are not a virgin?

Of course I'm not a virgin, Mark. I forgot saying nobody's a virgin.

You are an impure woman.

What did you say, Matt?

I just told him that, you know, this glass was dirty and, you know, maybe

better get a cleaner one.

I can hardly believe that we're all... sitting here and Matt's gone out on his

own.

Well, he's made brilliant progress this week.

There was one nasty moment in Trafalgar Square when he tried to kill a pigeon

that crapped on his surfboard.

But apart from that, he's been great.

So where's he gone, then?

Oh, he's just gone down the shop to get a paper.

Do you know, I think he's finally beginning to realise that there isn't a

violent psychopath around every corner.

That's all there is. What are you trying to be for, an idiot?

He's been gone ages. I hope nothing's happened.

Perhaps he's dead.

Just a bit depressed at the moment with my life being in tatters and everything.

He must have forgotten his key.

Here we are then.

You sit down.

Yes.

There's the good boy.

This is for you from my dad.

He's gone a bit funny.

Just as I thought.

Streets full of filth and criminals.

Not worth going out.

But stay here.

Better wait till it's a better day for it.

Next year or something.

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