Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the black

and the sacred moments of silliness are where

I find my heaven, where I find my heaven, where

I find my heaven, heaven.

I've got a girlfriend.

Martin.

I've got a girlfriend and she loves me.

Do us a favour, mate.

I've got a girlfriend and she loves me and we shag.

Shut up, Martin.

Sorry. Carry on.

We did it doggy fashion last night.

Have you ever done it doggy fashion, man?

Yes, Martin.

Good, isn't it?

Mant? No, I never found it all that inspiring, Martin. In the days when I

sex, that is.

Oh, really?

Why is that then, Mant?

Perhaps it had something to do with making me feel like a dog, Martin.

Oh, right.

Well, actually, I like that.

Feeling like a dog.

When I'm doing it, that is.

With Claire.

We're like the wild dogs of the Kalahari, me and Claire, when we're

No, actually, perhaps we're more like springer spaniels.

Yeah. You sad bastard.

Hoo -hoo!

What do you mean, Mad?

What do you mean, what do I mean? Well, do girls not like it, then?

Doggy fashion.

Have I just been seeking selfish gratification like a wild beast?

Terrible? What's terrible about that?

Go on, mate.

No, you don't understand that.

And?

I'm sure she found it utterly delightful and charming, Martin. Many girls do,

OK?

Yeah, I thought she probably did really. Martin!

What? Do you think you could just shut up about it for five minutes, please?

Right.

I didn't realise I was boring you.

Aunt Breast's nice.

Are you going to be late, Mart?

No, it's only quarter to seven. I'm not meeting Claire till late.

Oh, the clocks went forward today.

What? Oh, no, I've got to go.

I didn't know the clocks went forward today.

They didn't.

Game on.

God, what am I doing?

Am I turning into Martin?

Why, have your pubes gone ginger?

Fuck on that, mate.

Surf City on in a minute. Hot babes.

Oh, wow.

I can't wait.

So is this all you did before Martin had a girlfriend?

And you went out on the pull every night? Yeah, it is, Mandy.

Why, bored or something?

I'll let you pull me if you're desperate, man.

Why, is that what you and Martin did?

Yeah.

So perverse.

So, how about it then, me old mate?

No, thank you, Matthew.

We could have a bit of a wrestle then, if you like.

It's nice of you to ask, but no thanks.

Aromatherapy, perhaps?

You don't even know what that is. Yes, I do. What is it, then?

Well, we both take all our clothes off. Yeah, yeah.

And, um...

I rub some of the aromatheric stuff all over your body, and

you rub some of it all over my body, especially certain parts, if you follow

drift. Yeah, yeah.

And we both inhale the therapeutic aromas, you see.

You sad bastard.

Then we shag.

You haven't got the faintest idea, have you?

You haven't got a clue, have you, you sad bastard? Stop saying that. That's my

line. I say that. That's what I say.

You are, though, aren't you, you poor, sad old bastard?

I suppose I am too, though.

I think we're both a bit sick, really, don't you?

I mean, you're not able to go out and everything, and me with my work hang

and my sex hang -ups and my suicidal mood swings. Speak for yourself, mate.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Just... Hate all that outside shit, that's all.

Well, you'd like to be able to go out, though.

Really. Wouldn't you?

Mate?

Well, I wouldn't mind.

I mean, it's not that I'm scared or anything.

It's just that every time I cross the threshold, it's like I can't breathe,

It's like I'm choking on shit, you know?

Well, it's OK.

It's OK.

Um...

You won't tell people?

No, of course I won't, Matt.

Especially not that sex -mad bastard Henson. He used to be my best mate, but

there's no time for either of us because he's so busy shagging.

No, I won't tell Martin if you don't want me to.

Because it's like, you're my best mate now, man.

And you're a good mate, too.

You're not a bloke, but you're a mate.

That's a really nice thing to say, Matt.

So how about that shag?

No, thank you, Matthew. I'm your mate, remember?

Cup of tea, then.

Oh, all right, then.

Martin, tea!

Oh,

bugger.

Oh, well, I'll make it.

She's got lovely calves.

I love her calves.

They're not fat, but they're not thin. They're sort of... Well, they're sort

of... Medium.

No.

They're sort of chunky in this really sweet, chunky sort of way.

Like pineapple chunks.

Look, I want to talk to you about Matthew.

Who?

Matthew, your best friend.

Oh, right, Matthew, yeah. How is he?

I think he's in a really bad way, Marty.

He made me a cup of tea last night. I think he really needs help.

They're very smooth and very firm.

Succulent. Martin!

And they're a lovely light brown colour, like a rich tea biscuit.

Stop it!

Stop it right now! What?

I'm trying to talk to you about Matthew.

Right. Sorry, I'm listening.

What do you think about getting my friend Jason to talk to him?

What friend Jason?

You know, Jason, who I went to college with.

The one I never had sex with.

Oh, yeah, him, Jason.

I don't know if I think he could help.

Yeah, maybe he could talk to Matthew, suggest some sort of treatment.

Obviously, we won't tell Matthew that Jason's a psychologist.

Jason's gay, isn't he?

Well, we won't tell Matthew that either.

Well, what will we tell him?

So, you're Mandy's long -lost cousin who's been living in Australia for ten

years with his girlfriend.

Yeah.

Well, um, better be off, I suppose.

Shagging.

Right.

Didn't bring your white coat. Goodbye, Martin.

So, um, so what's it like over there? Where?

Oh, wide open space. It's incredible.

Talk about the outdoor life. That huge, huge cigar.

Kangaroos. Lots of kangaroos. Kangaroos all over the place. Can't get away from

them. You could be just standing there having a beer and one will go by,

guaranteed. You all right, mate? Yeah, these kangaroos, they were inside the

pub, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely, mate. These are strictly indoor kangaroos. Oh,

right. Lounge -roos, we call them.

None of that outside shit for them.

No worries.

Um, I'll go make the tea then.

Yeah, got her well trained, see, Jason.

Game on, nail that bitch, right?

Right.

She's a terrific girl, though, don't you think?

Yeah, she's all right.

Her tits are a bit on the small side, though.

Can't be they've struck me like that.

Well, I suppose I'm a bit of a perfectionist, really, but then I can

be, you know what I mean?

Look, I'll show you.

It's self -explanatory, really.

I award points for snog ability, suck ability, shaft ability.

Beth, Natalie, Jackie, Bianca, Tracy, Rachel, Raquel, Della, Billy, Sam and

Tiffany.

Blimey, you have had a lot of women, haven't you?

Yeah, but those aren't real women. They're characters from soap operas. Get

Mandy!

Talking to Jason about man stuff. We haven't got time for your girl shit.

laughter

Claire and I were shagging on here earlier.

She's gone home now.

This is Marco.

Can I get you a coffee, Marco?

Yes, please.

Why don't you make yourself comfortable in the living room and I'll bring it

through. OK.

Who's that man?

He's my Italian teacher.

I can't get rid of him.

He asked if he could walk me home after class and I said he could, so he did,

and now he's here in the flat.

Why didn't you just say no, then?

Bugger, I didn't think of that.

Martin, I can't get used to this celibacy stuff.

What am I going to do?

Calm down, Mandy, calm down.

You don't have to sleep with him.

He's in the flat now.

You still don't have to sleep with him. But it'll look so rude.

Mandy, remember what you said about not shagging everyone you meet?

Remember what you said about waiting for Mr Right?

Well, here's your chance to prove you can do it.

It's not hard, is it? All you've got to do is say no.

Say no.

Right.

No, no, I don't do this.

Yes, you do.

No, no, I don't. I told you, just leave it, all right?

You have a problem?

Tell me about it.

No, you wouldn't understand.

Maybe you just don't fancy me.

Oh, no, it's not that.

So why won't you?

It's just, um, I've taken a sort of vow.

A vow of celibacy.

Celibacy?

It's like, um, chastity.

Celibacy.

Chastity.

Of course, you are a virgin.

Stupid old... Well, no, I didn't... No, Mandy, don't be ashamed. I think it is

beautiful and right that you are saving yourself.

No, when I said that I... I should have known.

You have the look of a virgin.

An unmistakable air of purity.

Have I?

So innocent.

Like a child. Like an angel.

You see, why I can't... Of course, of course, forgive me.

I should know better.

Oh, no, it's all right.

In my heart, I think I knew when I first kissed you that you were deeply

inexperienced. What?

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Are you saying I'm not a very good kisser?

You will learn.

What's wrong with my kisser?

Nothing. The time and the good teacher and a lot of practice will not cure.

I think you'd better go home now.

Va bene.

Promise me you'll treasure your gift, Amanda.

It is the most precious gift of all.

Yeah, right.

You told him, then?

Hmm?

Yeah.

Come here a minute, Mark.

What do you want?

Claire, what do you think?

Look, Mandy, I know I must be giving off all sorts of paranoia

and radiating powerful sexual vibes and everything at the moment, but, well, the

thing is, I'm just in love with Claire.

That's it.

Sorry, man.

No hard feelings.

Shut up, you dickhead.

Am I a good kisser? That's what I want to know.

Yes, you're a very good kisser.

Actually, Claire and me have worked out a few variations.

I could explain if you... No, thanks, Martin.

I think I'll struggle by in my virginal way.

Right.

Has Jason gone?

No, I think he's still in there.

How am I doing?

You're doing fine.

Good game. What's it called again?

Aversion therapy.

Yeah, cool.

Get some chicks round, play it with them. We'd soon have them out in their

knickers, right?

OK, final round.

You have to imagine yourself going out of the flat alone at night.

Now, what's the worst -case scenario you can envisage? Just let your imagination

go. You might find it's not as bad as you think.

You must be joking, mate.

Cut this, right?

I'm walking along this pavement and it's all slimy and I can't keep my balance

because the skunk pussies are biting at my toes.

And the jism monkeys and the slime surfers are dropping down their

ropes of mucus all over my face and hair, mate. And I'm all sticky.

I'm all slimed up to the eyeballs, man.

And there's all this black stuff oozing up between the cracks in the pavement.

And I realise my feet are sinking in.

And the whole pavement is just black slime.

Just a great pus -filled swamp, you know, sucking me down. And I can't

now. My mouth and nose, they're all sort of choked up with this green stuff.

And then I realise what all this slime is.

It's made up of rotting bodies.

And even though they're rotting, some of them are still alive.

And this one reaches out its... stinking, rotting talons and blunted

my eyeballs and I'm blind, man!

I'm blind and drowning in filthy black pus!

How was that?

Fine. Yeah, you're right, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Anyone fancy coming out for a drink?

All right, Jason?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just a funny turn, that's all.

I can't put these... Jizz and monkeys.

What have you done to him, Matt?

Nothing. Had a chat.

You had a chat about jizz and monkeys? Please.

Claire's bedroom was festooned with jizz and tonight.

After our shag fest.

So you think it's time to go to your room, Martin?

Yeah. Right.

Better get some sleep.

Claire's coming round here for a shag or two before she goes on early shift.

I'm like a lion, me.

All I do is shag and sleep.

Shag, sleep.

Shag, sleep.

Shag, sleep.

Right, then.

Night, all.

You look done in, Jason. Do you want me to find you a taxi?

I don't want to go out!

Sorry.

Look, would it be all right if I stayed here tonight?

Of course you can, mate.

Thanks, mate. No problems, mate.

Blanket for Jase, Mandy.

Well, you know where they are.

I'll get you a blanket, mate.

There's tea in the pot.

I lost the plot last night, didn't I?

Hmm, you did a bit.

You know why, don't you?

You've gone barmy like Matt.

Actually, that's not a very helpful thing to say. That poor boy's in...

Tea, Martin, now!

Mandy, the thing is, I think I've fallen for him.

What? I couldn't help it.

Ah, hello, Mandy. Can't stop, I'm on early. Yes, so we gathered.

It should be on the ward in ten minutes, really. Ah, hello, Jason, is it?

Lovely morning.

I've just had a shag, you know.

Well,

I won't keep you. Bye now. Bye.

You were supposed to be helping him overcome his phobia.

I know, I know.

The trouble is, I'm kind of attracted to nutters. It's a bit of a drawback in my

profession. I can see that it would be.

It's all right, though. I can deal with my feelings, I promise.

Look, I've got to go to work now, but I said I'd come back tonight and see Matt.

Do you think that's a good idea?

Yeah, I can help him, Mandy. I'm sure I can.

Bye now.

He's not a bad bloke, that partner Mandy's.

He's not very confident with girls, though. Still, I can help him there,

him the benefit of my expertise.

Can I sit on your bed, please, Matt?

No.

Why not?

Because you're a wanker.

The thing is, I'm in severe pain.

I think me and Claire might have overdone the shagging last night.

Or it might have been this morning.

Probably doing it wrong.

Oh, go on, then. Special treat as I'm in a good mood.

Bye.

Aren't you going to be late, Mark?

Oh, I think I'd better have the day off work. I don't think I can make it to the

bath. Oh, you just haven't got the cast for it, have you?

Claire looked ready to start all over.

Well, have a nice day, losers, festering in your pit.

I ought to ring work, but I don't think I can make it to the phone.

Can I borrow your mobile, Matt?

I'll ring for you.

God, I'm a nice friend.

Hello.

Could I speak to Mr. Deadlock, please?

It's Matthew Malone calling.

Oh, hello, Mr. Deadlock.

It's Matt Malone calling.

I'm calling on behalf of your employee, Martin Henson.

Yeah, I'm afraid he can't come into work today.

No, he's not ill exactly.

The thing is, a few days ago he lost his virginity.

I know, he's a bit of a late developer.

Ever since he's been shagging this girl non -stop.

He's overdone it a bit. Well, the upshot is the poor kid can hardly walk, so...

OK, yeah, I'll tell him. OK.

Hasta la vista, Mr. Deadlock. Yeah, you take care now. Yeah, OK, bye.

Hmm. See you tomorrow.

That's the end of my career.

Not really. I didn't really call him.

There you go, though, didn't it? Your face!

It's really cheered me up. Here, do you want to borrow this?

Now, if you're a good boy, I'll show you my new club.

See, the thing about real breasts, Matt, is they're much more delicate and

interesting.

And they change shape.

You know, like sometimes they look like they're hardly there at all, as if

they've disappeared, and then they're back again.

It's really amazing.

Magical, really.

Well, Claire's are.

Magical, all right, if she can make him disappear.

I don't understand.

I understand, mate. In that area, titty territory.

I'm the man, mate. I am the governor.

I set the standards.

So what's the standard, then, Mr Titty Governor?

It's obvious, isn't it?

The higher the better, the firmer the better, the bigger the better.

Yeah, look.

There we are, look.

Big high.

What's the matter?

What are you looking at me like that for? To me, Matt, they're just not

particularly attractive anymore.

You know, I think small, soft, delicate ones, you know, like little buds, are

much nicer, really.

Claire's got little buddy ones.

They're my buddies now.

Your buddies.

I'm going to puke.

Digital for you, Mandy.

Marco.

What are you doing here?

I have brought you these.

When I saw them, their purity, their whiteness, I thought of you.

Right. Thanks. I'll put them in water.

Do you see, Mandy?

White. A symbol of your virginity.

I see what you're saying.

Simple of a what? A virginity.

His command of English isn't what it might be. Come on, Marco. But, Mandy,

should be proud, not ashamed of your virginity.

It is something you should treasure.

He told you Mandy was... Come on, Marco, let me get you a drink.

I'm not sure it's right, you living with two men like this. Oh, they're just a

couple of old friends.

Yeah, we knew Mandy before she was a virgin.

Next time you come in, she'll bring some girls with you.

I don't know many girls.

Yeah, you were too long in that Aussie one. Your lounge rue.

I'll teach you how to get girls, mate. Yeah, I'll show you the ropes.

I taught Martin everything, you know.

I've never really picked up a girl.

Easy.

Not if you're me, it's not. Yes, it is.

All you've got to do is believe in your overwhelming power of sexual attraction.

Do you think I'm sexually attractive?

Yeah, no worries. I mean, to a girl you would be, yeah.

But I'm not interested in girls.

Oh, I know what you mean, mate. Yeah, all soft and squishy.

Don't know dick all about football. Yeah, total tossers, girls.

But listen, mate.

You don't have to be interested in them to shag them.

I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say.

I understand, mate.

But that's not a problem, yeah?

Listen, I can help you get a girl, right? All you've got to do is this.

You find one you like, right?

Right.

And then, say you're the girl and I'm you, right?

Right.

You go up close to them and you look deep into their eyes, right?

And you think of one thing.

You want me.

You cannot resist me.

You say it to yourself in your head. You want me. You cannot resist me.

And somehow, that thought transfers into their head.

And their eyes go all soft.

And that's when you know it's the moment to kiss them.

Be like putty in your hands, mate.

Do you think you could show me again?

Nice one, mate. Anyone would think we're a couple of arse bandits.

Yeah, right, mate.

I see what you mean, yeah.

Hey, we could have a bit of a wrestle, if you like, though.

Right, you're on, mate.

What's the matter, Martin?

What is it? Is it Claire?

Oh, God, Martin, what's happened? Is she all right?

She's not coming round tonight.

She's too tired.

Matt's got some beers in the fridge.

Yeah, actually, I really hurt my arm carrying him back from the office.

Do you think he'd mind if we just helped ourselves?

Just this once.

I think we'd better ask him, man.

Silly totter.

I was just showing Jason what to do with girls.

Then we decided to have a bit of a wrestle.

Now we're having a bit of a rest. All right.

Any problem, totters?

No.

No problems, Matthew.

Well, don't just stand there.

We're going to get a cup of tea or what?

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