Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the blessed.

And the sacred moments of silliness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Do you think we should call a doctor?

And say what?

I don't know.

He's hardly in danger, death -wise, is he?

Matt?

He's not exactly normal, though.

Yeah, well, he's normal for him.

No, I'm worried about him.

I'm not. I'm enjoying the peace.

Mandy's been in bed for two weeks.

I know.

So we should do something.

Yeah.

Celebrate.

Got your nine o 'clock cuppa?

A cup of blood drained from the neck of a fresh young virgin, I hope.

Nice PG tips as normal.

Dil, you're a fresh young virgin, aren't you, Mart?

A fresh young ginger virgin.

But that can't be helped.

What are you going on about, Matt? It's time for my feed, Bart.

I'm going to take you to rounds you've never dreamt of.

Get off me! What are you doing?

You all right, mate?

Of course, if you play a lot of sport, you do get injuries.

You have to expect this sort of thing.

Ouch! Oh, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?

No, no, it's fine.

Why do you say ouch, then?

Well, it did hurt a bit.

There.

What does that feel like?

Sort of agony, really.

It doesn't look right somehow.

Doesn't it? But I don't really know what I have to do to make it right.

It's my first day, you see.

But why don't you ask someone?

I want them to think I know what I'm doing.

I mean, I do know what I'm doing, but I've gone blank.

I've panicked at what's happened.

Well, maybe you could look it up in a book.

You wouldn't mind.

No, of course not.

Great.

You're probably going to have a little scar there.

They're very sexy, you know.

She was lovely, mad.

And she's only been in London a few days, so no -one else has had a chance

get at her yet.

Yeah, she is really nice.

She was all fresh and dewy looking.

You know, clean.

Clean as a new pin.

She'd had a wash then, that's nice.

Yeah, she was very clean indeed.

I suppose they do have to be very clean, you know, nurses.

I expect it's something to do with not getting germs and shit like that all

the patients, wouldn't you think?

Yes, probably.

She's got lovely pink cheeks, Matt.

You know, rosy.

Healthy.

Rosy.

And she smells all fresh.

You know, fresh.

Like a baby smells.

Have you been out smelling babies again, Martin?

No, I just... You're taking the piss, aren't you?

No, no, I'm just making conversation.

Oh, I don't care, man.

I am so happy.

I asked her out.

I... Martin Henton for a drink down the Duke. Do you know what she said?

She said, delighted.

She's delighted with me, Mandy.

She thinks I'm the dog's bollocks.

Did she say that?

Oh, no, not in so many words. No, but she likes me. I feel it.

I think I might be in there.

I could be up there like a rat up a drain.

In a caring sort of way, sure.

I'm really happy for you, Martin.

Thanks, man.

And what about you?

What about me?

Well, how's it going with you and Nick?

Nick is the Battle of Hastings, Mark.

Pardon?

He's Nelson's eye.

Nick is Nelson's eye?

He's history, Mark.

Oh, right, history.

History. Yeah, right, no, history.

Yeah, I get it, man. Like you could have said the First World War, couldn't you,

or the Second World War, or... What else has happened?

I was never very good at history.

Anyway, I've been celibate for two weeks now.

Two whole weeks since I was with a man naked, etc, etc.

Oh, Madge, you'll meet someone soon.

There's lots of people you haven't done it with yet.

No, Martin, it's my choice.

I don't want to meet someone.

I've had enough.

I took a long, hard look at my life and I decided what was wrong was I just kept

shagging all these people.

You know, and maybe it was time to stop and wait for Mr. Right and then shag

him.

You could try Ian Wright. I bet he likes shagging. Yes, thank you, Martin.

Sorry, it was a joke.

Anyway, it's goodbye, old let's -do -rude -things -Mandy, and hello, new

-have -a -pleasant -conversation -with -all -our -clothes -on -Mandy.

Yeah, and it's goodbye, old unwanted -tadger -Martin, and hello, new do -it

-me -baby -Martin.

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

Nice little dindings for the poor little patient.

Don't you get bored staying in bed all the time?

Bored? What do you mean bored? I'm not bored.

Far from it. I'm fine.

I'll tell you why, man.

Because I've got inner resorts that I can constantly draw on to maintain a

stimulating lifestyle.

So it's not a case of you trying to think up increasingly desperate ways to

the time pass in an attempt to distract your attention from your abject terror

at the loneliness and pain of human existence, then?

No. That's good.

Well, that's very hot, man.

Oh, isn't it?

You'd better send Martin so I can reprimand him.

I can't. He's out on a date at the moment.

Out on a date?

No, I'm all right.

Definitely a bit on the cold side.

Tell you what, though, I can give it another quick blast in the microwave if

want. Martin is out on a date?

Yeah, why not?

With a woman?

No. He met this really nice angle -poised lamp and he's taken it to the

and they like to do it.

Why didn't he tell me?

I don't know.

Perhaps he felt sorry for you.

Sorry for me?

Him? Sorry for me?

Have you lost your marbles completely, you mad cow?

Martin Henson, sorry for Matt Malone. I think not.

Poor old Matt.

He really is in a bad way.

Sounds a bit funny to me.

Oh, no, he's not funny.

No, he's really cool.

I mean, really cool.

It's just...

Well, a few years ago, his parent died in an accident.

It was terrible.

Matthew thought it was his fault because he wanted them to die, and then...

Well, then they did die, and... I don't know, he's never really... Well, the old

Matt's still in there somewhere.

I mean, he's my best friend, he's my oldest friend.

I'd hate anything bad to happen to him.

I suppose I love him, in a way.

I mean, I'm not gay or anything.

I mean, I wouldn't mind if I was, because I'm not anti -gay, but I'm not.

Gay, I mean.

I miss the old man. I really miss him.

Listen to me, Martin.

There's something I have to tell you.

I'm a virgin.

Fine.

No, it isn't. I can't bear it anymore.

It's awful and embarrassing.

It's weighing down on me like a great fat grizzly bear.

I know just how you feel.

You don't mind, then, that I'm inexperienced?

No, no, that's cool.

I mean, you know, I think I could handle that. I mean, not... Great.

The moment I met you, I thought you might be the man for the job.

Sort of sophisticated, but sensitive with it. You wouldn't take a girl for

granted. No, I certainly wouldn't.

You could show me what to do sort of thing.

Oh, I should think so.

By the way, have you got any strong feelings about freckles? You know.

It doesn't matter.

I suppose you're wondering why I'm in such a hurry.

I feel I have to get this done so I can be my own person and get on with my

life. Life goes very slow in Ireland.

Do you understand?

Yes, of course. I hope you don't think I'm just using you, Martin.

No, not at all.

I wouldn't do it with just anyone, you know.

I really do like you.

On my next day off.

All right.

Isn't it funny how, when it's over, you feel sort of happy and glowing and

satisfied?

But sort of can't wait for the next time.

Yeah, good episode.

There you go.

Oh, Mandy and I thought we might go down to Duke for a drink.

Oh, see, thanks for the invite.

Well, we didn't think you'd want to.

You know, you're very welcome to come if you want to.

Do you want to come?

No, I don't.

Why not? It's nice out.

Nice out.

Nice out.

Are you completely insane, Martin?

All I mean is it's, you know, nice out.

Nice out for the slime surfers.

Nice out for the skunk pussies.

Nice out for the lymph leeches and the jizz and monkeys and the eyeballs

suckers.

Nice out.

It's not nice.

It's scum out, Martin.

Shit out.

Filth out.

Dirt out.

Puke out.

Puff out.

Climb out. Meth out.

Theft out. Rot out. Pooage out.

Putrid.

Gangrenous. Filthy crap.

Dirty, rotten, decayed, manky old limbs fallen off a dirty old manky tramp

out.

Finky piles of vomit out.

Disgusting, foul, puff -stained, murdering pig bastards out.

So you don't want to come then?

No, not tonight.

Mandy?

You know when you're going out with a chap, when you're used to go out with

chaps? Yes.

What sort of... Which sort... What sort of

thing do you like best?

Thing?

You know.

Tatia.

Touch bar.

Penis. Oh.

No, all right. Sorry, I just... No, stupid, forget it. All right.

You're worried about your penis, is that it? No, no.

Well, in a way.

For example, Matt has got the Matt finish.

And mine has got the gloss finish.

And I was just wondering which sort girls like best.

Matt has got the Matt finish.

Yes. He's a roundhead and I'm a cavalier.

Sorry?

He's open -sighted and I'm not.

You've got a foreskin and he hasn't, that's what you've got.

And you want to know which type girls like Beth?

Well, they like both thoughts, all right, Mark?

Yes.

And I was reading this article in Marie Claire.

About women who force their boyfriends to have penis extensions.

And I was just wondering, is that a common thing that happens?

I'd say it's fairly uncommon.

Right, good.

Are you all right, Martin?

Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine.

So in summary, what you're saying is that anything goes, size -wise, and

presence or absence of foreskin -wise, as long as you like the man.

Martin, what's all this about?

What? Nothing.

We're just talking, aren't we?

Just talking about things?

Having a conversation?

I'd be quite happy to have a look at it for you if you feel the need to put it

on a shelf.

No, it's all right.

I don't think that would be necessary, thank you.

You sure you don't mind?

Honestly, now that I've retired from the fray in person, I'm pleased to offer my

assistance in a consultative capacity.

Come on, then.

Let the dog see the rabbit.

Right.

OK?

Wait, I can explain.

There's no need to explain anything to that warped pervert. Get out of my room,

Matthew. This is none of your business.

Don't you think you'd better pull your pants up, Matthew?

Do you want to look at mine now, ma 'am? No, I don't want to look at yours. Go

on, it's a nice one.

That may be so, Matthew, but I happen to prefer the gloss finish myself.

What?

betrayed me. I wonder who!

Oh, God, I wish I'd never started this. Get out, the pair of you!

Out!

What?

Are you busy?

I'm sorting my pants out, if you must know.

Good idea.

Look, um, I just wanted to say I didn't have time to tell you before, but...

It looked fine to me.

Your thing.

No strange lumps or bumps.

Medium size.

Freckles are unusual, but quite attractive.

I should think she'd like them. It's the nurse, isn't it?

Is that what all this excitement's about? I mean, you don't have to tell me

you don't want to.

I do have to tell you, though, don't I?

We all have to tell each other everything.

You have to tell me everything, I have to tell you everything, we have to tell

Matt everything.

Anything that ever happens to any of us, we seem to feel compelled to tell each

other every little detail.

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

A bit teed up, I suppose.

But what I mean is just... It's as if we need each other's permission to exist,

like we can't even go to the toilet without telling each other about it.

I don't think it's that bad.

Just going for a dump.

Yeah.

It's the nurse.

Her name's Claire, and tomorrow she's going to let me do it with her.

And it's at time...

Like these, a man's thought turned to his underpants.

Are these the ones you're chucking?

No, they're the ones I'm keeping.

Which ones do you like best, then?

Um, I don't know.

Well, to be honest, they're all a bit hopeless, aren't they?

I mean, there's nothing wrong with them, except, well, they're gigantic.

You could hold a wedding reception in these.

Where are those ones I got you for Christmas that time?

These.

I thought they were a joke.

Wear them, Martin. I know about this stuff.

Right. In any case, you'll soon have them off, won't you?

I hope so.

Yeah, sure, you're all right, Mark.

She's a virgin, Mand.

Well, so are you, aren't you?

Well, yeah.

But I think I know what to do.

Good.

Mand, do you remember when I was about ten and you and Claudia were about

thirteen, you told me about...

And clitorises.

And how to find them.

Did we?

Really? What naughty girls we must have been.

Well, the thing is, I wouldn't mind a refresher call.

Right. Well, um... Think about... Think about cats.

How they teach you to stroke them.

Love will find a way.

Right. You got some condoms?

All present and correct.

I've had them quite a while, actually.

Well, you're all set then.

Are you all right, Martin?

Yes, I'm fine.

So what happened... Are you hungry yet?

No, I thought we might eat afterwards.

Well, the thing is, I've ordered some pizzas.

They shouldn't be long.

I didn't know what you like, but I thought, well, everyone likes pizza,

they? But I didn't know what you like on it, so I've ordered one meaty one and

one vegetarian one. I've tried to avoid anything that you might not like, like

olives or anchovies.

I mean, you might really like olives or anchovies or both, but the thing is,

they are the sorts of things that some people don't like very much, aren't

If you see what I mean.

The only thing I don't like is mashed potatoes.

Oh, I don't think they do in mashed potatoes.

I just mean I don't like mashed potato in general.

Oh.

Well, that's funny, isn't it?

You being Irish, you're not liking potato.

Oh, God.

We'll go to your room.

I like that ham and pineapple one called Tropicana, but Matthew said it's a

girl's pizza.

Martin, can we stop talking about pizzas now, please?

What would you like to talk about?

I want to make love.

I'll just ring and see what happens to those pizzas.

Hello. Yes, handsome, but... What?

What now?

Oh, no, I can't.

Won't I?

All right, thanks, bye.

Everything OK?

Yes, fine.

But I've got to go and get them.

You see, one of their delivery boys has had an accident and the other one's got

lost somewhere, so I said I'd pop down there and get them. It's not far.

Ah, look, will we not bother?

I don't want you to have to go all the way down there, Martin. It's no bother

all. I won't be five minutes. You just, you know, drink your wine and read a

mag.

This is a good one.

Are you sure you can be bothered, Martin? It's no bother at all, honestly.

Matthew, friend of Martin's.

I'm Claire.

Are you the one that's been ill?

What? Oh, yeah. Well, I never talk about it.

Six months to live, so... The deal a deal, you play the hand, best way you

You're very brave.

Oh, well, you know.

What is it?

It can't be sexually transmitted. It's, um... It's not infectious.

You're very pretty.

So, where's Martin?

Gone for some pizza.

He's a funny kid.

Hey, I see you like cars.

That's unusual for a girl. Well, I... Tell you what, if you like cars, you'd

love my E -Type memorabilia. I collect it.

Do you? Yeah, it's in my room.

Hey, do you want to have a look?

I could wait here in case Martin gets by.

She thinks it's Henson's face. Henson.

Sorry about that. Sorry.

Someone?

Keep trying.

Yes!

Here we are.

And I bent over him where he was lying, and I said, Dad!

Dad!

Oh, Mac, you... Yeah, and ever since...

I've got the pizzas.

Come in, mate.

No, it's all right.

Do you want to come and have these up at the table, Claire?

We're having a conversation here, Mark.

Don't hassle her. She'll be along in a little while.

Do you want to come and have your pizza, Claire?

In a minute, Martin. Matthew's telling me something very important.

Right.

And private.

Mate.

I don't want to sound rude, but I don't want the room smelling of onions and

stuff, yeah?

Right. I'll be in in a wee while.

Right.

So he looked up and he said... I'll be in the kitchen.

Martin?

Oh, hello, mate.

Been clubbing?

I don't go clubbing anymore, Martin. I've been to yoga.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Makes you feel so calm and peaceful.

Sounds good.

What are you doing here all on your own?

How did it go?

She hasn't gone already, has she?

I don't know.

You see, I had to go out for these pizzas.

And then when I got back, they were having a conversation in Matthew's room.

So I waited out here for them to finish their conversation. It got a bit boring

waiting.

I must be falling asleep.

How long since you got back with the pizzas?

I don't know.

About two hours.

And is he still in there?

I don't know.

That Matthew Malone is an utter rat turd.

He's my best friend, Mandy.

He's a rat turd, Martin.

And what you want to do is go into his room and get your girl back, if she's

still in there, and kick the living shit out of that rat turd. In any case, I'll

help. I thought you'd gone all calm and peaceful from your yoga mat.

Yeah, obviously there's parts yoga doesn't reach.

I don't feel much like kicking shit. I just feel sad.

Just get in there, Jimmy. I'm right behind you. Right.

I think she's still in there. Go on.

And if my brothers ever get to hear about this, you'll really be...

it took so long.

I'm afraid the pizzas have got a bit cold.

Ah, bugger the pizzas. Come on, you. Which one's your room?

Looks like it's game on for them, eh, Matt?

A bit higher. A little bit higher still. Oh, that's it. Oh, that's perfect.

I think we're really getting the hang of this now, Martin.

Oh, for God's sake. Martin didn't make all this fuss when he got kicked in the

head by that 16 -stone rugby player who was trying to stop him getting his third

try.

I have to go. I'm due on the ward in ten minutes.

Listen, thanks a million for all your help, Martin. It was great all together.

Bye now. I hope you have a brilliant life.

You don't want to see me again?

Ha! Only joking.

Of course I want to see you again.

Oh, right.

You were very funny.

I'll ring you later.

Oh, Roseanne's on four.

I wonder who's playing the daughter this week.

Don't you just hate that when they keep the same character and change the actor?