Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the black.

And the sacred moments of dearliness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

Around the apartment all day, watching afternoon TV and picking their noses.

Bollocks.

Christ, I'm so bored.

Hi. Oh, fold me in half if it isn't little Shagger Wilkins.

Don't worry, it's charming. I'm not staying long.

Oh, that's a relief.

Did you ever meet Rosie Randall Parrot, who's at university, with me?

No. Well, guess what?

She's invited me to her family's place in Rutland. I'm going to throw a few

things in a bag and then I'm scooting straight off.

Right.

Barney Randall Parrot's giving me a lift.

Oh, jolly good.

He's coming in line to the throne.

48th. Or is it 84th?

No, it's 48th. It's just after the Corgis, then.

Oh, very witty.

Christ, what shall I wear?

Oh, I know, I know. It's such a problem.

Just leave it out, will you, dick brain?

No, I'm serious. It is a problem.

I mean, it's not as if you shagged royalty before, is it?

Hasn't it occurred to you that you might be a little inconsiderate?

In what way?

Well, just buggering off for the weekend without any warning.

Not a thought for anyone else.

Matthew, do you mean you're going to miss me?

No. Do you mean you're going to be lonely without me? No.

Why didn't you...

Just get off, you demented cow.

I'm never lonely.

I'm strong.

I need no -one.

I walk alone.

Well, you don't walk very far alone.

I suppose you do walk to the toilet alone.

Alone and unaided, Matthew walked to the bog.

Just leave it out, Mandy, right?

You stay out of my life and I'll stay out of yours.

Fine.

Matt? What?

That is the Rolls -Royce of tennis rackets, Amanda.

The man who designed Concord designed that. Great.

Andre Agassi would give his right bollock for that.

Brilliant. 700 quid.

Oh, God, he's early.

Thanks, Matt.

Must go. Have a nice weekend.

Pardon?

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and we can go in the living room, sit down, watch

a bit of telly, and you can tell me about that hairy German girl that you

I can't tonight, Matt. Then you can pop out and get us a lamp of thunder from

the Kaiba, and then maybe we'll get a video.

Sorry, what?

I'm not staying in with you tonight, Matt.

I'm going out.

Right, piss off, then.

Yeah, well, I have got to hurry, actually. I said I'd be there at eight.

right, fine. So, look, back my men.

I don't care what you're doing.

Where are you going now?

I'm meeting Wally Bazoon for a drink. We might go and see a film.

Wally Bazoon.

He's that Turkish chap from the bank.

Wally Bazoon from the bank.

He sounds like a complete wanker.

Matt, I've just thought.

Why don't you come with us?

Me? It'll be a laugh.

Wally's a really good bloke.

Can't tonight, Mark. Got a lot on.

Matthew, you should come out, you know. It'll be all right.

Look, I just don't fancy it, all right? It's months now since we went out. I

don't want to go out.

And I can't anyway because I happen to be incredibly busy tonight.

And even if I did want to go out, which I don't, and even if I wasn't incredibly

busy, which I am...

The last thing I needed to be seen in public with a pair of pathetic losers

you and Willie Bosom.

Wally Bosom, actually.

He's Turkish.

Martin. Yeah? Shut up.

OK. Bye, then.

Tonight, we examine the links between loneliness and suicide.

Once men in their early 20s.

I'm not taking any more shit, man!

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

I've run a flat downstairs.

Oh, what have you been doing with Mandy's hairdryer?

Lovely. It's not important.

On the one hand... Sorry.

Oh, don't worry.

Keep the telly off a minute, mate. I want to talk to you.

It's about you never going out.

I've been talking it over with Wally.

You know, Wally Bazoon from the bank.

And, well, he thinks that you might need medical help.

Medical help.

Yeah.

I don't need medical help, Martin.

It just doesn't seem healthy. I'm a rock musician, Mark.

Health doesn't come into it.

Rock stars like me, we live fast and we die young. It's the price we pay.

Matt, what are you talking about?

I've joined a band.

I've been out of the flat all evening practising with them. You're in a band?

Yep, I am the lead singer of the band.

Bloody hell, Matt, you're a cool bastard.

You're really in a band. The lead singer. Bloody hell.

Yep. I expect I'll have to sleep with loads of underage girls and do designer

drugs and... Yeah, you'll be on the school bus snorting Armani cocaine with

the 13 -year -olds. You lucky bastard.

Except for complete strangers queuing up to give you a blowjob.

Hang on a minute, Matt.

When I left here about half seven, you were settling down for a night in front

of the telly. Now I come back at what?

Half ten. You reckon you're the lead singer of some band?

I heard their sound coming through the ceiling and I knew the call had come.

Matthew, you've been under a lot of strain since your parents died. There

doctors you know. There is a band just moved into the flat upstairs, Martin.

They had a bust up with their lead singer and they needed a replacement.

I came along at the right moment and the rest is history.

Or at least it will be in the future, that is.

Why would I waste my time?

Anyway, you'll see for yourself.

The Fury should be dropping by some lyrics for me to learn. The Fury?

What's a Fury?

It's a guitarist's name, Mark. The Edge out of U2.

Slash out of Guns N' Roses. Now, there's the Fury out of Proactive.

Right, yeah.

Face it, Mark.

You're in the presence of a rock and roll legend in the making.

Fancy a cuppa, then?

Okey -dokey.

Mark, let me tell you something useful.

Girls don't shag men who say okey -dokey.

Don't they?

You'd better bear it in mind, Mark, cos you're going to be meeting a lot of rock

chicks in future who might let you shag them because they think they've got a

shot of shagging me.

It's not my ideal scenario.

But what the hell?

Door, Martin.

Right.

It's the fury.

I, um, brought the lyrics, right?

Thanks, man. Cool.

Nighty -night, then.

I'm on the streets.

I'm in the gutter.

How do I get my bread and butter?

In the cold, you see me shudder.

Any spare change, you hear me mutter.

In the windows of your eyes, you've pulled down the shutter.

You say to your wife, it's just some nutter.

Quick, cross the road, I hear her utter.

Piss off home, then.

Ignore my splutter.

I'm on the street, I'm in the gutter.

It's years since I had bread and butter.

Well?

What do you think?

Um... Well, it rhymes well, doesn't it?

Is that all you can say?

Well, you know.

Well, it's all in the performance anyway.

Like, catch this, Tossa.

I'm in the street! I'm in the gutter! It's years since I had bread and butter!

Is that brilliant or what? What?

No, I mean brilliant.

Brilliant.

You're right.

Good night, then, Tossa.

I'm turning in.

Nighty -night.

What did you say?

Nothing. Are you ripping the piss out of the fury?

He's joined a band. He's the lead singer.

Matthew's actually gone out?

I can't believe it.

That's brilliant.

Well, it's not all that brilliant, actually.

Because the band live in the flat upstairs and they've been practising all

morning. And I've asked them to turn their amps down.

And Matthew said, piss off, I'm your landlord.

And he says he's putting up our rent because it's such an honour for us to

with a rock legend.

Well, it seems to have stopped now.

Oh, man, let's just go out. Let's go to the pub or something before they start

up again.

Yeah. Why not?

I'll have to call a taxi, though.

I've really hurt my ankle.

Well, how did you do that?

Martin.

I've had such a terrible time.

Here, man. It's coming.

It still doesn't have the right feel. He's giving us on the nose.

We don't want on the nose. We want strung out, you know. We want dog dirt

desperate. Come on, Giles.

Not Giles. Hook, man.

Hook Man!

Sorry, Hook Man. I keep forgetting.

Don't mind him. He's a bit moody.

Look, how do you really feel about bread and butter?

Well, I don't know.

It's all right with a piece of cheese.

What?

Joke, man.

As in, ha -ha.

Oh, no, God, no, listen.

No, no, proactive.

Do not make jokes about the homeless.

We care about their plight.

Why's that, then?

Should have thought that was obvious, Matt.

Is it?

Oh, I get it. One of you's actually being homeless.

No.

Oh, I don't know. I give up.

I'm ill, man.

Yeah, I'm ill, man.

I'm feeling really wrong.

Oh, yeah.

Do it to me.

What are

you doing, man? What's going on here?

Performing.

So why are you rubbing yourself against the mic stand?

I'm just trying to make it more interesting for the audience.

This is a song about a lonely old woman who dies of hypothermia because she

can't afford to pay for heating.

So you don't think shagging the mic stands appropriate here? Oh, God!

No, Matt, we don't. Not really.

I see.

What does the Fury think?

He's hopeless.

I mean, he's hopeless. He understands nothing.

I didn't want to have to say this so soon, but your song's a crap.

Homeless. Old bats dying. Who gives a toss, right?

It's all right, man. Don't worry.

I'll write my own lyrics.

Hang on a minute. Let me get this straight.

Sally fancied Alistair.

Rosie fancied Alistair.

Charlotte fancied George, but George fancied Rosie.

And Alistair didn't fancy anyone.

Laura fancied... No, no, no, no. You've got it all in a muddle.

Rosie fancied... Well, the point is that we were all playing this stupid game

called Truth.

It was so childish.

Everybody had to answer questions.

But the only question being asked was, who would you most like to sleep with

of everyone in the room?

Well, who did you say?

I said Jack, because I didn't want to upset anyone.

Didn't any of them fancy Jack, then?

Martin, I told you.

Jack is the long -haired Alsatian.

He was the only decent one out of the lot of them.

So what was so dreadful?

Well, George, Alistair and Charles all said that they'd most like to sleep with

me.

Except, Martin, they didn't say that. They said, Roger.

Roger?

Isn't he the one that fancied George?

Martin! Joke.

Don't get like Matthew, Martin.

Well, anyway, then all the girls started ganging up on me and hating me, of

course. But why?

Well, it wasn't your fault all the men wanted to... You know, with you.

You're too nice. Do you know that, Martin?

Am I?

I want a shag.

Cos that's my bag.

Don't be a drag.

I don't want to suck it, so just let's have your bucket.

Blag, knob, swivel, dick, love, pump, tallywhacker.

Shag, blag, blag, blag, bonk, bonk, shag, shag, skunk, pussy right now.

Yep. That's not bad.

He'd do anything right after that.

I mean, the way I filled up people's wine glasses to the top was vulgar,

apparently.

And then I... I cut the nose off the cheese.

It means I cut a piece off the end instead of down the side.

Well, what's wrong with that?

It was very plebeian of me, so they said.

And then they said that Matt's tennis racket was a bit trotthouse forte.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

They're really old ones with broken strings that must have belonged to their

grandmothers or something.

And then I heard Charlotte telling Rosie... in a whisper that I was meant

hear, that I was a bit of a Sharon, really.

And they'd all been really nice before all the blokes said they wanted to shag

me.

Mandy, listen to me.

You haven't done anything wrong. These people sound horrible and stupid.

You are beautiful.

And you're a better person than any of that lot.

And you could have any man you want.

You haven't heard the worst yet, Martin.

Take me to a room with black suede walls.

Lock me in.

Into your womb room.

Ain't never gonna leave this room of yours, girl. Outside is where the

live. Inside is where you and I live, girl. Inside.

And then I sort of fade out.

In you.

In you.

In you.

In you. In you. Up you.

In you.

What do you think?

Incredible. Yeah?

Incredible that you expect us to comment on your mad gibberish.

Incredible you should offer your services as a singer and then tell us

material is crap.

Incredible that you really expect us to take orders from you when we only met

you yesterday.

Hookman, your voice has gone all squeaky.

OK, OK, OK.

Artistic differences, right, that's cool.

Listen, Matt.

You have enormous potential, right?

You have to learn to harness that, right?

Mm -hm.

We're not a band on the main, man.

We're the dispossessed, right? The lonely, the abused.

Are we?

The despised, the unemployed, the underclass.

Yeah, hi.

Yeah, this is Chris.

Tonight?

From which record label?

And the press are in. Which ones?

Wow.

No, no problem whatsoever.

In fact, we've just got a very exciting new vocalist.

OK, we'll be long set up shortly.

Cheers. Bye.

We've got a gig.

Tonight at the Spotted Dog, they've had a cancellation!

Awesome!

A gig.

Yeah! Could be it, guys.

That's like going out, right?

I don't know, the Spotted Dog.

No. Sorry, guys, I can't do it. It's, um, it's my kidneys. Yeah.

Stage fright.

No, I can't do it. I can't do it.

Listen, Matt, we all get nervous before a gig. No, no.

Hey, guys, we'd better load up the van.

Well, uh, good luck, guys.

Sorry.

Ooh, I can feel my kidneys playing up already.

You are not going to spoil our big chance.

You're going to do this gig, and I don't care if your kidneys explode. All

right!

I'd had a lot to drink by then, everyone had, and I was dying to go to the loo.

So I asked directions to the bathroom.

When I got there, I discovered that it was exactly that, a bathroom.

There was no toilet, just a bath and a sink.

So I tried the room next door, and that was a bedroom.

And then I tried the other room, and there was an old man in bed, groaning.

So I rushed back to the bathroom, pulled my knickers down, and climbed onto the

sink.

It was a sort of posh marble thing on a pedestal.

Unfortunately, it wasn't fixed very securely to the wall.

And the whole thing came crashing down with me on top of it. I mean, I'm lucky

only twisted my ankle.

Well, did they find out it was you?

Yes.

They all came in through this other door, which I hadn't noticed before.

In fact, I think they all arrived rather suspiciously quickly.

What did you do?

Well, I just said, could one of you possibly call me a taxi now? I have to

leave.

Blimey. Well, that was dead flash, man.

Yeah, I thought so.

It would have sounded a lot flasher if I hadn't been sitting on the floor with

my knickers round my ankles.

Well, you know, it started so I finished.

I think I want to go home now.

You won't tell Matthew, will you?

Of course not.

Not if you don't want me to.

You're nice.

Take me home, Martin. I think I'm a bit pissed.

Come on, then.

Let's go home.

I'm glad we're going home now. This lot or anything like that, not upstairs from

us.

Where do you want to go?

Are you sure?

I need to sleep.

Oh.

Man.

I think you're lovely.

Actually, I... I love you.

I love you too, Mart.

Did he go to bed early?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage, Proactive!

Is it all right if I snuggle up to you?

Mm -hm.

Mand? Mm -hm.

Is it all right if I have a hard -on?

Mm -hm.

Just so long as you don't poke me with it.

Right.

I'll try not to, Mand.

Go to sleep, Martin.

Help me.

Help me.

Help me.

My head.

Have you two bastards been shagging?

Of course not. I'd be stupid.

Wouldn't shag him.

Where have you been, Matthew?

Out.

With my band.

Out with your band?

Yeah.

Done a gig.

You've done a gig with a band?

Yeah.

Lead singer.

How'd it go, Matt?

Went great.

I was awesome.

Tell us about it, Matt. No.

Drained.

I'm tired now.

You know, gave my all tonight.

I think I'd better have a lie down.

No, no, Matthew, get out. There's not enough room for all of this. I have to.

I have to rest.

I have to rest.

In the unpromising environs of the spotted dog Battersea, new band,

took us through the pain barrier into a totally new dimension.

Fusing trip -hammer rock with performance art, lead singer Matthew

doesn't sing, he sobs.

He screams, he gibbers.

He enacts all the pain and poverty and deprivation and utter lack of meaning in

a post -modern... Ethnically cleansed, terminally infected universe.

The man is clearly insane.

A star is born.

Isn't that you're going to be a star?

I don't think so, Martin.

But look, dog's bollocks, Matt.

Who needs it?

I thought you needed it, Matthew.

I don't need anything or anyone, Martin.

I've done what I wanted.

Now I'm retiring.

But Matthew, it's...

Get out of the way of the telly, Martin.

Sorry, mate.

We'll make us a cup of tea, then.

Yeah, all right.