Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the black

and the sacred moments of dilliness are where

I find my heaven, where I find my heaven, where

I find my heaven, heaven.

I've left this alone in my bed.

I've poisoned every room in the house.

The place is quiet and so alone.

Pretend that something was waiting for me.

Make us a cup of tea, Mart.

Yeah, right, in a minute, Matt. Martin, I'd like my tea now, please.

Hang on, then.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Why don't you take that shoe off so you don't break your neck?

What?

I just said, why don't you take your shoe off so you don't break your neck?

Because, Matthew, if I take it off, then I keep coming across it and thinking

it's the one I can't find, all right?

Good thinking, man.

Demented cow.

Pick up the seat, then.

OK, I've got time.

Oh, go on, then.

Let her make her own.

Matthew?

What was my other shoe doing under your bed?

Did I give you permission to go into my bedroom?

I asked first.

How do I know what your shoe was doing under my bed? I expect it was just lying

there quietly, stinking of girl sweat.

You know what I mean. How did it get there?

What is this, an interrogation?

I refuse to answer.

Whose flat is this, anyway?

If you did anything to it, or in it.

Just stay out of my room in future, all right? Where's pleasure in you just keep

your hands off my property, all right? I wouldn't touch your property with

Martin's. Be steady on, mate. No offence, mate. Is that my tea?

Playing out at four o 'clock this morning.

What is this?

Shagging nunnery or something?

Oh, am I living in a shagging nunnery?

I couldn't sleep, all right? I suffer from insomnia.

I think it must be the idea of shagging the nuns that makes it seem so

attractive.

Just one at a time, of course.

And falling in love and everything first.

And being attentive to their nunly needs instead of selfishly seeking temporary

release sort of thing.

Shut up, Martin.

Right.

Can I just suggest, Matthew, that we might all get less insomnia if you

playing the manic street preachers at about a million decibels, stamping your

great stupid feet and shouting stuff out like a baby at his first disco.

I mean, don't you think you might do a bit better in the getting -off -to

department if you try something really weird, like, say, lying down and closing

your eyes? This is my flat, Mandy.

I live here and I do what feels right.

If you don't like it, you know what you can do.

Do you know what?

You need help.

Well, give us a shag, then.

I don't shag boys, I shag men.

Yeah, northern for preference.

And I said you need help, not sex.

Well, pay your rent, then. That helps.

I'm going to. Yeah, but when?

Look, I'm late now.

One day I'll nail that bitch.

Yeah, right.

What would you nail her to, Matt?

You could nail her to your surfboard, I was thinking, couldn't you?

I mean, since she's burnt it with the iron, it's probably game off for surfing

with it.

Anyway, you were never actually going to take it down to see the big rollers,

were you?

I mean, it's not as if you've slept right outside this flat for, what, six

months now.

Don't beat me up, Matt. I've got my work shirt on.

Matt, I was only kidding.

I think I'm a bit light -headed from not getting enough sleep last night.

Look.

There. All beaten up. Saved you the bother.

You really are one fab bastard, my man.

Yes, I really am.

Total waste of space.

I've got to go to work now, Matt. Go.

And you're OK, right?

You could order up a pizza or, you know, send out for a few vids. Martin, I am

all right. I know how to live in the 20th century. Go to work.

You got enough to read? Yes, thank you.

Go. Right.

Bloody hell.

Look at the squirrel on her.

Squirrel.

Is that not a word for it, then?

That's what my dad calls them, I think.

Your family, a bunch of weirdos, man.

Squirrel.

Otter.

Otter?

Beaver. Beaver. Sorry.

Goodbye, Martin.

Bye.

Is that good for you as it was for me, Bear?

Think before you speak, you woolly -ass bastard!

Christ on board.

Matthew De Niro.

Matthew De Niro.

Something's... Someday, a real rain's gonna come and wash all the scum off the

streets. I get these pains.

I get these pains in my head.

You talking to me?

You talking to me?

You talking to me?

Well, who the hell else are you talking to? You talking to me?

Yeah?

Well, I'm the only one here.

Oh, yeah?

He's weak, I guess.

Loss of blood.

The guy could bleed to death.

Like Tim Roth.

Lying there.

In pools of his own.

Oh, God.

I've got to get help.

I've got to get help.

I have

a medium pepperoni special at the back, sir.

Extra hard -boiled egg.

Extra mozzarella.

Extra black olives.

Large Coke.

No, no, no. Not Diet Coke. Regular. I need the sugar.

That's right.

How soon can you do that?

Flat 7, 23 Wellington Road.

15 minutes. Great.

Hang on a second.

Will it be you delivering?

What? Because I like your voice.

I don't know. I just like it.

It's, um, sexy, if you want to know. You know, husky.

Sexy.

My name, my name is Matthew.

Matthew De Niro.

Yeah, really. Well, I know, I'm used to it now.

What's your name?

Julia, that's nice.

So, um, will it be you?

It will.

I look forward to that, Julia.

Yeah. Well, thank you. Thank you.

Game on now, mate, no question.

She was gagging for it.

Hi.

I'm Julia.

Right, thanks. Yeah, I'll keep the change. Right, nice one. Bye.

Never hit blame.

Never apologise.

Never look back.

Game on.

Young adult males are known as dickheads.

Sometimes more accurately as wankers.

They show their readiness to mate by dressing up in silly clothes and

wiggling their bottoms about, often in front of mirrors.

It's hampering my personal video collection.

out it's worth

it though

just

What are you doing in my bed?

Nothing. I just... You just what?

It's perfectly simple.

It just occurred to me, as your landlord, to check out the facilities in

room and in Mark's.

Check out the facilities?

Yeah, the furniture, fittings, check them out for wear and tear, etc.

So you check the furniture and the fittings by taking your clothes off and

to sleep in my bed, right?

Well, yeah, that's part of it.

Going to sleep wasn't actually part of the plan.

I just fell asleep, you see, because, as you know, I got very little sleep last

night. And in any case... Perfect. In any case, you've got Soddle to complain

about, Mandy, because this bed is the most comfy one in the flat by quite a

way. What?

Freak. If you could just leave the room now, Mandy.

This is my room.

You leave it.

Now.

Out.

Right.

in thinking that you're wearing my knickers. Me?

Your knickers?

You're mad.

You're raving. Don't tell anyone, man.

I just... I just wanted to... Check out the facilities.

Please don't tell anyone, man.

I'm afraid I shan't be able to comply with your request, Matthew.

There's too much to expect of me.

I shan't be able to resist telling everyone we know.

starting with your admiring friend and apprentice wanker, Martin Henson.

Don't mind.

Why shouldn't I?

What have you ever done for me? I don't owe you anything.

Except between two and three thousand quid rent.

Oh, that.

I could let you off some of it.

All of it.

Martin!

Martin, you'll never guess what I caught Matthew doing when I got home from

work. All right, all right, all right.

Start when you say it. From now, yeah?

Um, yeah.

Yeah.

Christ.

You're so lucky. Having me as your landlord, Amanda.

Mr. Generous.

Matthew.

What?

You can keep the knickers if you like.

In fact, I think I prefer it.

I could nail her, Matt.

What?

I said I could nail her.

Well, I think I could.

Yeah.

Nail that bitch.

What?

I'm just saying I could nail that bitch.

Which one?

Well, she's gone now.

You know, the one with the hair. Her?

Just as soon nail one of her pigs.

Oh.

You all right, Matthew?

Yes, I am.

Of course I am. What do you mean, am I all right, bloody cheek?

I just thought you seemed a bit down.

Well, no, not down, just a bit quiet.

Well, I can be quiet if I like.

Yeah, I know, mate, I know.

It's just... Nothing changes, nothing happens.

We get up, you go out, you come back.

Nothing... What are you looking at?

I'm fine.

Just gets me down living with such a pair of losers sometimes, that's all.

All right?

All right?

End of story.

Well, Mandy's not a loser.

Mandy's not a loser.

Mandy, don't make me laugh. That girl is right up her own up. All right, Mandy?

Hello, Matthew. Did you call?

Hello, man. Hello, Martin.

That'll be my friend, Sean.

Northern bloke, is he, man?

Yes, he is, actually.

He comes from Newcastle and he's going to the Arsenal match tomorrow, all

Hello. Hi, Mum.

Are you all right?

Matthew?

Martin, this is my friend Sean.

I'm just going to finish getting ready.

Cheers,

mate. Can I get a cup of tea, Sean?

Yeah, thanks, Martin. You're welcome.

Matt? Go on, then.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

How do you mean?

Well, what are you looking at, then?

Sorry, I was just admiring your T -shirt there.

Really suits you.

Oh.

Yeah, right.

Thanks.

You wear your workout, don't you?

Well, yeah, a bit.

Yeah, I thought so, yeah. Down the gym?

No,

in my room, you know. All right, wait.

Yeah.

Can't beat it, eh?

Right.

I'll just, um... Right.

What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter.

I'm making the tea.

Just get in there. I'll make the potty tea.

Ron, it must be serious.

Hi,

Sean, all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks, Martin.

It's good.

Matt's making the tea. Won't be a minute. All right.

So where are you going tonight?

You going shagging? What?

Clubbing. I meant clubbing.

Should have had him.

How do you mean, Matt?

Should have given him a right scene, too.

See, the way he was looking at me and smiling.

I should have given him a smack.

I thought he was just, you know, smiling. He was right out of order,

Yeah.

Should have decked him.

It's only my respect for Mandy that held me back.

Well, have you got respect for Mandy, then?

Are you going to go out and get my curry, then, or what?

I know what, Matt. Why don't we both go down the car, though?

We could have a pint on the way. It's nice out tonight.

No, thanks.

Matt, why don't you go out any more?

You used to like going out. You used to go out clubbing and footy in the park.

Yeah, that was good, that.

I used to like that. I miss that, our little footy games.

Do me a favour, Mark.

You used to have a job. You had a nice job. You liked it.

It's like wearing your suit and talking to clients. I never liked it. I was just

pretending.

And now I don't need to work, so I don't work.

I don't need to go out, so I don't go out.

Who'd go out if they didn't have to go out?

The streets are a swamp, man.

They're filthy.

They're knee -deep in germs and shit and stuff.

No -one would go out in the streets unless they had to.

Well, I have to, don't I?

I have to go out and get your curries and stuff.

Yeah, and I appreciate it, mine.

I'm a good friend, I mean it.

It won't last forever, this, will it, Matt?

I mean, it's like you're always saying, there's a time to surf and all that.

That's right, there is. Yeah.

Do you remember when we were in juniors and I used to come round your house and

we used to do our ethics kicks?

Do you remember how your dad used to yell at you?

I used to be scared stiff of him.

Matthew, what do you mean by leaving these wet marks all over the toilet

And then he came down and yelled at you some more.

He was sort of hitting you round the head.

I was sitting there wincy.

Actually, I was so scared I peed in my pants.

You always were a bit of a sad little bastard.

The way it is, Martin, when you've got a father like my father, you've got to

lock horns with him or he'll destroy you.

He will stamp on your bollocks, believe me.

And you'll go through life, a walking shadow of the boy you could have been.

Trouble was, he was a big bastard, my dad.

I know.

I had to wait till I was 16.

And one day, he came out of the bathroom, and he said, what exactly do

by leaving these funny fist stains on the guest towels? I mean, what exactly

they, Matthew, eh?

And I said, they're spunk, Dad.

And I hit him.

As hard as I could in the face. And he went right downstairs. Game on.

Blimey.

And I knew at that moment that I cracked it.

I knew that I could meet him as an equal. Face to face. Man to man.

And I went downstairs to where he was lying.

And I said,

Dad? And he was just lying there.

And I knelt down by him and I lifted his head up.

And his neck was like all loose.

He was dead, Martin.

I killed my own father.

Bloody hell.

I thought your dad was killed in a car crash.

What?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, that too.

I mean, I was going to do it.

Then you have that car crash first.

I'll go and get the curry now, right?

Thank Christ for that.

I cannot bear that woman with the red glasses.

I suppose they're still shagging in there.

Marvellous, isn't it?

Amanda and her northern blokes.

They probably put it up on the arrivals board at King's Cross.

Going to London for the match, don't forget to shag Mandy Wilkins.

Think it might be any use if I put an advert up there?

What?

Sad bastard seeks northern girl with sense of humour.

Doesn't have to have a sense of humour.

I'll be northern.

Biggish tits would be nice.

Yes.

Not essential, though.

Hello, men.

Sean asleep, is he?

I went to sleep, but then I woke up again.

Have we got any wine?

No, I don't think so, men.

Or a cup of tea?

Oh, go on, then.

All right, Matthew?

Fine, thanks. Yourself?

Have a good shag.

Not a very erotic outfit, that, is it?

I didn't have a shag, Matthew, actually. Not that it's any of your business.

What's this?

There's something amiss here.

Northern bloke, Mandy Wilkins, no score.

He's a friend, Matthew, not a lover.

He's gay, as a matter of fact.

Such a nice bloke. Much nicer than the hopeless jerk they always end up in bed

with. Gorgeous body, too.

Thing is, he liked boys and not girls.

It's ironic, really.

Actually, he told me he fancied you, Matt.

Oh!

That's disgusting.

You're winding me up, aren't you, you lying cow?

I wish I was. He said he really fancied you. God knows why.

What about me, then? Did he fancy me?

He said he thought you were really nice.

Story of my life.

So you didn't get a shag, then? No, I didn't.

Bet you wanted one.

I did not want one.

Tell you what, you can shag me if you like.

It'll relieve the sexual frustration.

Can't say fairer than that. No, thank you, Matthew. I don't want to. God, but

it's just like that play Wee Chloe.

What's that about then, man?

No, don't tell me.

It's about this little Scotch girl, right, called Wee Chloe.

Skips through the heather and up the burn in her wee kiltie.

Bringing a smile to every face. Even grumpy old Angus McSpot on himself.

Shut up, Martin.

Right.

We, Chloe, is a play by John Paul Sartre, right? About three people in

A woman and two men.

You wonder where all the flames and the torture and the torment are and then

after a while you realise that this is it.

The torture and the torment. Other people.

That's what hell is. Other people.

Slowly driving each other mad, all wanting things they can't have, all

each other to pieces with the destructive power of their unsatisfied

but unable to escape from each other because of the terrible chains of power

love and sex and guilt and money that bind us all together.

All right?

Um, kettle's boiled, I'll just make the tea. LAUGHTER

Yes please mate.

Yes please Martin.

Right.