Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the black.

And the sacred moments of silliness are where I find

my heaven.

Where I find my heaven.

I'm thinking of moving out.

I just thought you should know.

Matt?

Matthew? Martin, I'm busy, all right?

Could I make an appointment for later, then?

Yeah.

Make an appointment.

Well, it's quite important.

No, it's not important.

Well, how do you know?

Because you're a loser, Martin.

And your entire life is a meaningless waste of time.

Well, that's probably true, but... The thing is, I've got this plan to change

life, and I need to discuss it with you because it concerns my living

arrangements, which I would have thought you might be... You filthy, skunk,

pussy, bastard!

Just shut up.

What did you do that for?

What?

a putty thing.

No, it's just something De Niro once said. Just felt like quoting it.

Right.

Martin?

Yeah?

Make us a cup of tea.

Wednesday we go to my... parents. Thursday we're going to Becky and Dave's

barbecue. And Saturday's a Pim's party at Penny's. But Graham, I want to ride

motorbike. But you can't, darling. You've got to go to the supermarket and

up some salad.

Mandy?

Mandy?

Are you all right?

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry they didn't have any lettuce.

What are you doing, Martin?

Nothing. I thought you'd passed out.

Martin, I was asleep on my bed.

It's only seven o 'clock.

God, I need a shower.

Going out?

Yeah.

Graham's picking me up at half past.

Getting serious, Nan?

I know.

God, it's depressing.

I thought he seemed like a really nice bloke.

Well, he is.

It's just... You can get bored with anyone if you've been seeing them

I mean, it's inevitable.

When a relationship gets to this stage, you start taking each other for granted.

The excitement goes, and the rock sets in.

But, man, you only met him last Friday.

Right. Yeah, I'm back. But, Argon, I thought you and Argon were in love.

Yeah, but, hell, she's just a girl, Jay.

You're my roommate.

What I feel for you is, God, don't make me say it, Jay.

You're right, man.

You're back.

Yep. Fine, thanks.

Here's your tea.

Thanks.

Are you sure you're all right?

Don't move out, mate.

You'll be all right, Matt.

Me?

Me? Of course I'll be all right.

You won't, though.

You'll fall apart in the real world, mate.

Your bio's degrade.

Well, I've got to try, Matt.

My dad works in an insurance office in Herne Bay. He's worked there for 27

years. So?

Well, so the pattern's repeating itself, Matthew.

I've got to do something different. I've got to break the cycle.

Well, so what are you going to do?

Well, I want to do a B .Ed.

I want to train as a teacher, Matthew.

I've taken the day off work on Thursday because I'm going to sit in on Mandy's

boyfriend's class.

Is she shagging schoolboys now?

Graham is a teacher, actually.

And I've got an application form for a college up in Manchester.

You're going to be a student.

A northern student.

For a few years, yeah.

We hate students.

Yeah, but we don't really.

No, but I do.

I really hate them.

I wouldn't piss on one if he was on fire.

That's a funny expression, that, isn't it?

I mean, it'd be bad enough being on fire without people pissing on you as well.

I read in your hustler mag that some people actually like being pissed on.

can even pay to have it done.

It's called golden shower.

That's nice work, if you can get it.

Doing the pissing.

Yeah, I'd be good at that.

I don't fancy it myself.

So, I'll have to advertise the room, then?

Well, yeah.

Hey, Matt, you could get a hot babe for the room.

Advertising nursing times.

No.

I don't want some bloody fat -legged nurse, see? I mean, dancer?

Yes. Actress? Game on.

Nurse? Leave me out.

Nurse Susan didn't have fat legs.

Oh, here we go.

I was only in there for my appendix. But you're sure she stroked your knob?

Maybe I dreamt it.

What is it, Boggins? I just wanted to thank you for the extra algebra lessons.

I'd never thought I'd be able to understand it until you explained it to

But Poppins and I think you're wonderful.

We'd like you to adopt us. Will you?

This is all completely wrong, Martin.

Can't you even add up a simple column of figures?

Everyone's going to have to work late tonight because of you until the figures

balance.

I'm sorry, Mr Morse, but it's not good enough.

Sorry it's only a single bed, Amelia.

I bet you would have preferred a double, wouldn't you?

Well, I'm not really bothered. No? Still, I think it would probably take...

Quite a bit of punishment.

Good.

Yeah. Do you prefer a soft bed or a hard bed?

I don't really know.

You can try it if you like.

No, no, it's all right.

Go on, try it.

Actually, I was hoping to get someone near a tube station.

I bet you'd prefer a hard one.

I'd better get on. I've got some other places to go.

I am so fed up, Claudia.

If I don't get some excitement soon, I'm just going to shrivel up and die.

Look, why don't we go out on the pool tonight?

Just for a laugh.

I won't tell Graham, you don't tell Jerry.

Well, we can go to that new place.

Well, no one will know it's there.

Just have a drink, you know, talk to some blokes, have a good time.

Oh, go on, say you will.

Brilliant. Torso.

Seven.

Tits.

Eight.

Will she shag me?

Doubtful.

Four out of ten overall.

Can I help you with that?

Um, no, it's all right. I'm just... Oh, come on. I'm not doing anything.

And it would be better with two.

Well, thanks.

Yes, it would.

Like many things.

Pardon?

Many things in life are better with two people helping each other to do it, yes?

Yes, well, I think we'd better start up here.

I'm Jessica.

I'm Jessica Parsons.

When do you want to move in?

But I haven't seen the room yet.

Yeah, I know that.

This way.

If one of you give me a hand, I've got a label sticking in my back.

Any time, Mand. You know me.

I can handle all this shit.

Hey, Mand?

Yes?

I can see your nipples.

No, you can't. Oh, yes, I can.

Martin, can you help me, please?

Yep, right.

What?

I can see your nipples, Matthew.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

They're very pert.

Like little brown berries.

Actually, I've never understood why men have nipples. You sad bastard.

Well, done it. Thanks, Martin.

Matthew.

What?

mad cow.

Give us the other one.

Come on, don't be a spoiled boy. Stop it, mate. It's bloody sexy.

And what if I tweak your knit?

Actually, Matthew, I like having my knit tweaked really hard.

Come on, then.

Tweak away.

Help yourself.

I don't want to tweak your revolting nipples for anyone.

You look nice, man.

You and Graham going out?

I'm going out, Martin.

I don't know what he's doing.

Oh, well, what shall we say if he rings up?

Say I'm going out with Claudia.

Right. And what are you really doing?

Going out with Claudia.

Well, we'll have a nice time, then.

So, where do you about this place, then?

I don't know.

I think somebody told Graham about it.

God, we're not going to bump into him, are we? Who, Graham?

If we do, we do.

Fate will have decreed it.

Better thoughts.

You ever seen that program, Gladiates?

Yeah.

I'm going on that.

Don't you have to be fit to go on that?

Now, rum and coke.

All alone, little lady.

Yeah.

I got herpy.

Have you ever read Lord of the Rings?

If I'm not mistaken, you were looking at me and licking your lips.

There's this girl at work.

A woman. She's about 30.

German.

Is that it?

I think she might fancy me.

What makes you think that, then?

Well, she talked to me today.

And I think... I think she winked at me.

I should be careful if I were you, Martin.

It sounds as if she's either mad or a slag.

There's a good view of her from where I sit.

Yeah?

What do you mean, good view?

Can you see off her skirt or something?

No, she sits opposite me. It's a good view of her face.

So?

What are you going on about?

Pretty, I like her.

And I think she likes me.

Why don't you get married, then?

She's dark.

Very dark.

Very dark, indeed.

What? She's a darkie?

Well, no, Matthew, she's... Well, she's olive -skinned, I suppose you'd call it.

Oh.

Green olive or black olive?

Look, if you don't want to know... I do, I do want to know.

I'm not looking for anybody, you know.

I'm not.

I've got a bloke.

I'm completely happy with him.

I just fancied a night out on my own.

Well, fine.

Yeah, that is fine.

So don't try pulling me, all right?

You'll be wasting your time.

All right.

She's got these little soft, dark hairs in her forearms.

Not the thick, coarse, black sort.

They're actually quite fine.

Quite fine and soft, but... they're very, very...

dark.

I find them... well, very sensual, I suppose.

A bit disturbing.

They're very dark. Yeah, I think I've got a picture now.

She's also got these little soft, dark hairs on her upper lip as well.

Christ, do you mean she's got a tash?

No,

just this faint, faint Adolf Hitler sort of joke.

She doesn't shave under her arms either, Matt.

Sign of a goer.

Yeah.

Doesn't shave the armpits. Well -known sign of a goer. You're game on there,

mate, without a shadow of a doubt. Yeah.

Great hairy tangles of darkened curlies under the arms.

That's a clear sign.

Game on.

Come on.

Do you really think I'm game on there, Matt?

Yeah, definitely.

If you really fancy knobbing a gorilla.

I can't believe how I behave half the time. Poor Graham.

What would he think if he knew I was that snogging bloke in nightclub?

Well, to begin with, I suppose he'd be shocked.

And then when it had sunk in, he'd be hurt and offended that you'd deceived

Then when he had time to mull it over for a bit, I guess he might come to the

conclusion you're a bit of a tart.

Shut up, Claudia.

I didn't actually need you to tell me what he'd think.

He's gorgeous, though, your new one.

His name's Jason.

You're going to see him again, do you think?

No, I can't.

I've promised myself I'm going to make it work with Graham.

And I've got to stick it out for at least a week.

Tomorrow, Claudia.

Well, tomorrow I've got to meet his family.

Well, next week then. Why don't you blow Graham out and go out with Jason

instead? Because I know that after three or four dates with Jason, it will be

exactly the same as it is now with Graham.

Well, I've got to face it, Claudia. I'm just addicted to the initial excitement.

And once that wears off, I get bored.

Oh, come on, man.

Look, Jason's probably waiting for you outside that door.

Get on out there and enjoy the rest of tonight.

No, Claudia.

I've made up my mind.

I'm going to leave now.

By the toilet window.

What?

Why?

Have you ever seen the film Bad Timing?

No. Aunt Garfunkel meets Teresa Russell at this party.

They feel really attracted to each other. They talk, they flirt.

And then one of them, I think it's Aunt, says, if we stopped now, this would

have been perfect.

But they don't. I mean, they have this really long affair. She ends up doing

loads of drink and drugs. He ends up shagging her when she's virtually dead

an overdose.

I'm not going to make that mistake.

I'm going to leave my interlude with Jason.

Exciting and perfect forever.

You only had a snot on you then.

One perfect...

Very well, Boggins.

How's the reading coming along?

Hi, Matt.

Good day.

What's it for you?

I'm not feeling too well, actually.

I think I might go and have a lie down.

Make us a tea first.

You've cut your cheek.

You're going to have a really cool scar there.

Like Action Man.

Aren't you making the tea, then?

Oh,

man.

Am I going to die?

Yes.

Not for about 60 years.

Man, can you see Elvis Presley there?

Hello, mate. He spoke to me. The king spoke to me.

It's all right, Martin.

It's all right.

Sit down, Matthew.

Let's have one of your pillows, Mark.

Matthew! For God's sake, he's ill.

Sorry.

I think he wants a tea, man.

Well, I'll make him one, then.

What happened?

Mate.

You've been in a coma.

for three and a half years.

Bloody hell.

Mandy and I are married now.

Bloody hell.

Two kids.

There's little Winona.

Yeah. Gonna be a very hot babe, mate.

Well, actually, she is a baby at the moment.

And then there's little Martin.

Mate. Comes in to play with you sometimes. He...

Doctors thought it might get through to you somehow, but... I don't know.

This is really weird, mate.

It just seems like the same day to me as all those years ago.

What's happened in EastEnders?

I don't have time to watch it anymore.

You don't watch EastEnders?

I'm a fighter pilot now, Mark.

Long hours.

This is really weird.

Madge, you don't look any older.

What? Older than I did this morning?

You've been out for about 20 minutes, I think.

Do you want to tell us what happened at school, Martin?

It started off when they asked me to play a game with them after school.

Go on, then.

It was called kickboxer.

They all lined up and took it in turns to kick and punch me.

It's terrible.

How many of them were there?

Five in all.

What, sixth formers?

Er, no, first years.

Five 11 -year -olds?

They stripped me, tied me up and sprayed me with fire extinguishers.

And suddenly they all disappeared and I was left lying tied up on the floor in

this toilet.

Why did you escape?

Well, luckily.

I've always been quite good at knots.

When I was a cub, I got a badge for it.

Anyway, I happened to notice that one of their crucial knots, which was supposed

to be a running bowline, was, in fact, a Marlins Pike hitch. I'll just get on

with the story.

You know, I remember thinking, typical of girls, not to be able to tie a proper

running bowline.

I didn't like that when I was a little girl.

Want another drink?

Yeah.

What?

What's so funny?

I was just thinking, what if Jack Daniels had been called Paul Daniels?

That's not funny, man.

In all those American films, the tough guys would go around saying, make mine a

Paul Daniels on the rock.

The women would all say, wow, he must be a Paul Daniels man.

So cool and sexy.

And I think you're getting a bit hysterical.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I'm all right now.

Truth is, I'm dreading meeting Graham's parents.

There's going to be so much pressure and tension.

Yeah. Well, that's relationships for you.

Yeah.

I thought it was just a simple case of falling in love and that was it,

When I was 13, I used to have this massive crush on an Irish footballer

Frank Stapleton. Yeah, he used to play for Arsenal.

Well, I joined the Frank Stapleton fan club.

I wrote him a letter every day for six months.

Yeah?

Mainly stuff about how much I loved him.

Dear Frank, I know I've never met you, but I know that I love you and will

always love you.

Exclamation mark.

I will always wait for you.

And if you ever leave your wife, I will be there for you.

Because I love you.

And I promise, double underlined in red, that there will never be anybody else

except you.

All my love forever and ever, Amanda.

P .S.

I got 84 % in my history test.

P .P .S.

I love you.

You promised Frank you'd always love him.

And yet, you went out and shagged about a hundred other blokes.

Here we are, then.

Welcome to your new room.

But... There's somebody in the bed.

Oh, ignore him. He's just leaning.

You can't.

Look,

this isn't right.

I thought the room would be ready.

No, no, no, really, it's fine. As soon as he's awake, he'll be gone.

This is too weird.

What's weird?

This isn't weird. What's weird?

I just had this terrible dream when I was a teacher and all my class were

angels. Just shut up about your dream and get up.

What? Just get up.

Get packed. You're leaving.

I'm not. I haven't got anywhere to go.

That's tough.

You should have thought about that before you decided to let me down.

No, Matt, I don't want to be a teacher now. I like my job. I want to stay.

Tough luck, mate, because Jessica's moving in.

Jessica? Yeah.

Support her stuff.

Jessica?

Jessica?

I'm sorry, mate.

Graham.

Hang on a moment.

What's the matter, Maddy?

I just wanted to say... Well, I wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I've been so difficult the last couple of days.

You haven't been difficult, sweetheart.

I've been dead nervous about meeting your parents.

I hate meeting people's parents.

Well, my parents are really nice people.

I get dead nervous about commitment, too.

What are you talking about? Not as if I've asked you to marry me yet, have I?

Come on.

Graham.

The thing is... Yeah?

This is a bit strange for me. What?

I think... I think I'm in love with you.

Hi, folk.

Hiya, Charlie.

This is Amanda.

It's Mandy, really.

This is my mother.

This is my grandmother.

This is my father.

And this is my brother, Jason.