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But Sunday morning is only for the
blessed, and
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00:00:08,220 --> 00:00:15,160
the sacred moments of silliness are
where I find my heaven,
3
00:00:15,620 --> 00:00:20,580
where I find my heaven, where I...
4
00:00:32,431 --> 00:00:37,879
Oh, sorry, I was looking for someone
called Amanda Wilkins.
5
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:38,919
I am she.
6
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:40,260
Oh, well, look.
7
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,940
I'm Matthew Cruikshank, the chairman.
8
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,440
You write James's letters yet?
9
00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:51,119
Oh, God, is the spelling wrong? No, no,
no, far from it. You have a mean way
10
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,170
with a semicolon.
11
00:00:52,460 --> 00:00:56,000
Well, thanks. Yes, you know the
difference between infer and imply.
12
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:57,520
What are you implying?
13
00:00:57,980 --> 00:00:59,980
I'd like to take a hunch on you, Amanda.
14
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,380
How would you like to edit the new
fiction list?
15
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:08,579
Well, I think... Oh, there would be a
directorship, of course. A company car,
16
00:01:08,580 --> 00:01:09,630
profit chair.
17
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:10,960
Wardrobe allowance?
18
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,090
Ten grand.
19
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,290
Bacon sandwiches?
20
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:15,280
Any time you want one.
21
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,010
What do I look like?
22
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:48,019
You look like a big shape obscuring my
view of a very interesting television
23
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,070
programme.
24
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,300
It's a programme about building a
rockery.
25
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:53,640
I'm interested in it.
26
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:55,230
Come off it.
27
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,160
You're not interested in gardening.
28
00:01:57,180 --> 00:01:59,950
You wouldn't even let me get a window
box. I had my reason.
29
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:04,260
Oh, yeah, I remember them. I don't like
all that soil and outside shit.
30
00:02:04,261 --> 00:02:08,059
Ma 'am, just get out of the way. I feel
peculiar when I haven't got a clear view
31
00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:09,110
of the television.
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00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:10,800
What do I look like?
33
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:12,210
You look nice, man.
34
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,070
You look like a girlie. What do you
expect?
35
00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:18,400
A nice girlie.
36
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:21,220
200 quid, this?
37
00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:23,820
I'm just not achieving, am I?
38
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,480
What do you want to achieve?
39
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:26,690
I don't know.
40
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:29,040
I just, you know, want to get on.
41
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:33,559
I mean, I've got three A's at A level,
I've got an upper second, I've got a
42
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:36,030
-figure overdraft and I'm still doing
shit work.
43
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:37,790
Never mind, man.
44
00:02:38,220 --> 00:02:39,270
Have a cup of tea.
45
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,400
Cup of tea for Mand, Mart.
46
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:53,240
Hey, Mand.
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00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,200
I'd make a good geisha girl, wouldn't I?
The amount of tea I make.
48
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:01,040
Mand? Yes, I heard you.
49
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,020
Very funny. Ha, ha, ha.
50
00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:05,310
Sorry.
51
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,300
I think man is upset about something.
52
00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:23,740
On the blob, mate.
53
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:26,450
What?
54
00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:28,510
On the blob.
55
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,720
Having her period.
56
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:36,600
Women get weird when they're on their
blobs.
57
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:39,950
And before it.
58
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,400
And after it sometimes.
59
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:45,820
Let's just ignore it.
60
00:03:48,970 --> 00:03:50,020
I'd hate to be a woman.
61
00:03:50,610 --> 00:03:52,630
All that sticky, smelly stuff.
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00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:56,150
Oh, shut up, Matt. I've only just had my
dinner.
63
00:03:57,710 --> 00:03:58,810
God, sorry, mate.
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00:03:59,570 --> 00:04:00,620
I forgot.
65
00:04:04,450 --> 00:04:05,500
Go away.
66
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:13,710
Man, I just wanted to say it's all
right.
67
00:04:15,010 --> 00:04:16,060
We understand.
68
00:04:16,410 --> 00:04:17,589
Or at least I do, anyway.
69
00:04:17,829 --> 00:04:21,430
I mean, this whole thing's a bit beyond
poor old Mark. I said go away!
70
00:04:21,730 --> 00:04:23,550
Hey, hey, hey. I know. It's OK.
71
00:04:24,170 --> 00:04:25,970
You feel a bit deranged at the moment.
72
00:04:27,650 --> 00:04:29,330
You don't know what you're saying.
73
00:04:29,790 --> 00:04:31,990
All I mean is, I understand.
74
00:04:33,410 --> 00:04:34,460
I know women.
75
00:04:35,201 --> 00:04:37,049
Bugger off!
76
00:04:37,050 --> 00:04:38,100
All right, all right.
77
00:04:38,770 --> 00:04:39,820
Demented cow.
78
00:04:41,110 --> 00:04:43,700
Just wanted to talk to you about
Martin's birthday.
79
00:04:43,710 --> 00:04:45,150
But if you're not interested...
80
00:04:45,550 --> 00:04:46,750
Sort it out on my own.
81
00:04:53,750 --> 00:04:58,629
Look, can we just get something
straight? I am not having a period. I am
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00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:00,510
a life crisis, that's all.
83
00:05:03,590 --> 00:05:04,640
On the blob.
84
00:05:05,550 --> 00:05:09,470
I am not on the blob, Matthew, as you so
daintily put it.
85
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:13,710
God, you have the vocabulary of a
mentally defective sex criminal.
86
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:15,770
Which he is.
87
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:18,610
He's on the blog.
88
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:20,640
Oh, OK.
89
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:22,690
Let's be serious.
90
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,740
You've got a problem, and we'd like to
help.
91
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:35,280
Well... The central thing is that I feel
totally undervalued in the workplace.
92
00:05:35,281 --> 00:05:38,759
That's why I spend so much money on
clothes, because everybody makes me feel
93
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:39,619
like shit.
94
00:05:39,620 --> 00:05:42,419
And then when I wear the clothes, I look
like a nice girly.
95
00:05:42,420 --> 00:05:46,869
And my eyes... IQ is 139, for God's
sake. Why do people treat me as if I'm
96
00:05:46,870 --> 00:05:48,130
utterly insignificant?
97
00:05:48,131 --> 00:05:49,249
Well, don't worry.
98
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:53,370
I mean, we're utterly insignificant,
too, aren't we? Oh, thanks a lot,
99
00:05:53,371 --> 00:05:56,889
Listen, you're my best friend's little
brother. You're supposed to be
100
00:05:56,890 --> 00:06:00,589
insignificant. I mean, I should have got
somewhere by now. I should be a really
101
00:06:00,590 --> 00:06:01,640
happening girl.
102
00:06:01,690 --> 00:06:02,740
I'm significant.
103
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,280
I happen.
104
00:06:04,870 --> 00:06:06,230
You're bloody vital, me.
105
00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:08,470
Look at your sister.
106
00:06:08,471 --> 00:06:12,479
She's only getting headhunted to edit
another magazine and she's already on 30
107
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,590
grand. Yeah, Claudia's always been
lucky.
108
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:20,039
I mean, it's not Claudia's actual job
I'm envious of. It's just that I want
109
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:26,199
business meetings and business lunches
and business cards and I just want a lot
110
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,019
more money.
111
00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,280
So you can pay me the rent?
112
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,659
I thought you were always having
business lunches. No, those are just
113
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,710
want to shag me.
114
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:37,760
Well, those are the sort of lunches I'd
like.
115
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:40,950
Funny, isn't it?
116
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,180
Do you know something, Ron?
117
00:06:47,060 --> 00:06:51,320
I sincerely believe that we're looking
at the next winner of the Booker Prize.
118
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,360
I bloody hope so, James.
119
00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:58,319
First draft of that book was written in
pure sweat, James. And I'm not bloody
120
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,840
kidding. Pure bloody sweat.
121
00:07:01,940 --> 00:07:02,990
Yes, yes.
122
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:04,740
I believe...
123
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:08,200
Blood pudding is a really seminal work.
124
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:09,980
Well, ah, yeah, that and all.
125
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:14,470
I'll probably carry off Booker and
bloody Whitbread and all.
126
00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:19,559
Not that I'm bothered about prizes at
all. I just want my message to get
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00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:20,700
where it counts.
128
00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:24,920
And I'm not talking about them London
literati wankers.
129
00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:27,510
Quiet.
130
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,140
Oh, thanks, love.
131
00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:35,650
Oh, Ron, this is Maria. She's temping
here while Serena is away.
132
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,380
Mandy, actually.
133
00:07:37,381 --> 00:07:39,529
No, no, you're wrong. I'm quite sure
it's Serena.
134
00:07:39,530 --> 00:07:41,390
Yes, but my name is Mandy and not Maria.
135
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:42,720
Quite right, too.
136
00:07:42,790 --> 00:07:45,730
Now... I loved your book, Mr Grimshaw.
137
00:07:45,990 --> 00:07:49,420
The bit about the little girl who wet
the bed, it was terribly moving.
138
00:07:49,530 --> 00:07:50,590
Oh, really?
139
00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:52,690
Yes, really. It made me cry.
140
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:53,980
Thank you, Maria.
141
00:07:54,210 --> 00:07:55,750
Sorry, I'll just... Bye.
142
00:07:56,050 --> 00:07:57,100
Bye.
143
00:07:59,670 --> 00:08:01,350
Lovely -looking girl, isn't she?
144
00:08:02,890 --> 00:08:05,430
Looks awfully like a very sweet au pair
we once had.
145
00:08:07,130 --> 00:08:08,180
Swedish.
146
00:08:12,730 --> 00:08:13,780
Hey, Mandy!
147
00:08:15,810 --> 00:08:17,470
Hey, Ron. Ron Grimshaw.
148
00:08:18,030 --> 00:08:20,330
Hi. Any fancy a drink?
149
00:08:21,290 --> 00:08:22,950
Yeah. Oh, great.
150
00:08:26,530 --> 00:08:29,330
Oh, it was dead nice what you said about
my book.
151
00:08:29,690 --> 00:08:30,740
Well, it's true.
152
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:32,170
I loved it.
153
00:08:32,539 --> 00:08:33,640
That was me, you know.
154
00:08:34,179 --> 00:08:37,059
Pardon? The little girl that wet the
bed, that was me.
155
00:08:40,039 --> 00:08:43,460
Except I was a little boy, of course.
156
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,560
Actually, I used to wet the bed too.
157
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,260
No, Jan.
158
00:08:49,261 --> 00:08:54,559
My mattress was never off the front lawn
because my mum was always trying to dry
159
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:55,519
it out properly.
160
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:59,220
And my sisters used to lean out the
window and shout at passers -by.
161
00:08:59,770 --> 00:09:02,850
Oi, you see that big patch of yellow?
That's Mandy's wee.
162
00:09:06,810 --> 00:09:10,510
My mum just used to prop up a little tin
of talc under the sheets.
163
00:09:11,030 --> 00:09:12,590
Never dried out properly.
164
00:09:13,070 --> 00:09:14,450
Oh, that's terrible.
165
00:09:16,050 --> 00:09:18,550
Look, I was going to get in touch with
you anyway.
166
00:09:18,551 --> 00:09:22,189
I wondered if you'd like to get together
with me to talk about doing some
167
00:09:22,190 --> 00:09:27,310
research. Well, I know you're only
working for James temporarily, like,
168
00:09:27,950 --> 00:09:30,830
Well, I do need some research doing on
my new book.
169
00:09:31,730 --> 00:09:33,470
What, a job, do you mean? Yeah, a job.
170
00:09:33,471 --> 00:09:35,769
Not as your secretary, though, right?
171
00:09:35,770 --> 00:09:39,380
No, like I said, if you're doing
research, you'll be a researcher, like.
172
00:09:40,230 --> 00:09:41,280
A researcher?
173
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:42,380
Well,
174
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,350
how do you know I'd be any good?
175
00:09:44,910 --> 00:09:45,960
You've suffered.
176
00:09:46,750 --> 00:09:47,800
I've suffered.
177
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,770
We'll get on, I know it.
178
00:09:56,311 --> 00:09:58,119
Go on, mate.
179
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,479
Let's have one of your Frozens. No, I
can't, mate.
180
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,710
My mother started marking the dates on
them.
181
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:06,230
If I run out before I'm supposed to,
she'll cut off my supplies.
182
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,030
You're a very sad bastard. Do you know
that, Henson?
183
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:12,820
Do you know, I hate my name, Henson.
184
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:14,920
So uncool, don't you think?
185
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,620
I wish my name was De Niro.
186
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,100
Martin De Niro.
187
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:21,930
Yeah.
188
00:10:21,980 --> 00:10:23,420
Matthew Puccino.
189
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,280
Mart Jagger.
190
00:10:28,010 --> 00:10:29,060
Matthew Brandahl.
191
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:30,780
Martin Willis.
192
00:10:31,910 --> 00:10:32,960
You what?
193
00:10:34,310 --> 00:10:35,790
You know, as in Bruce Willis.
194
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:41,400
Diehard. He's the one who wears those
white vests like the ones I wear.
195
00:10:42,010 --> 00:10:43,060
Oh, great.
196
00:10:43,061 --> 00:10:46,829
We'll all be all right then, won't we,
when the flat's taken over by a gang of
197
00:10:46,830 --> 00:10:51,130
crack international terrorists, so long
as you've got your vest on.
198
00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:00,360
it all, mate.
199
00:11:01,790 --> 00:11:03,490
Mate? Alright, alright.
200
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:07,800
Selfish bastard.
201
00:11:12,870 --> 00:11:13,920
Bloody hell.
202
00:11:14,650 --> 00:11:15,950
Look at the mouth on that.
203
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,910
She could suck you through a hose pipe.
204
00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:21,120
And back again.
205
00:11:24,130 --> 00:11:26,720
It'd be a bit claustrophobic though,
wouldn't it?
206
00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:28,000
You what?
207
00:11:28,330 --> 00:11:29,380
Oh, nothing.
208
00:11:29,550 --> 00:11:32,560
Just don't fancy being sucked through a
hosepipe very much.
209
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:37,370
Yeah, well, your trouble, Martin, is
that you're completely asexual.
210
00:11:38,630 --> 00:11:39,680
Am I?
211
00:11:41,510 --> 00:11:42,560
Asexual what?
212
00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:47,650
Asexual dynamo or something.
213
00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:56,090
Asexual. One word, man.
214
00:11:56,710 --> 00:12:00,640
Meaning... Basically, you're not sexy.
You're like an amoeba or something.
215
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,260
I am sexual.
216
00:12:04,660 --> 00:12:06,620
I really fancy her, for example.
217
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,700
Her? She's about 12, man.
218
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,840
Well, she looked sweet, though, didn't
she?
219
00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:16,090
Yeah, she could have me in her Wendy
house.
220
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,500
Now you're talking, mate.
221
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:21,930
I like the mother.
222
00:12:22,740 --> 00:12:25,540
I've got this fantasy about her,
where...
223
00:12:25,980 --> 00:12:27,800
She coats herself in peanut butter.
224
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:30,080
Then I put a bin liner over her head.
225
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,460
And then I lick bits off her.
226
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:35,440
I don't think that sounds very nice.
227
00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:39,200
Yeah, well, not very surprising coming
from the amoeba man.
228
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:44,760
That is one hot, totally erotic fantasy,
something you know nothing about.
229
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:46,940
I've got a really hot fantasy.
230
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:49,610
Oh, yeah?
231
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,010
What's that, then?
232
00:12:54,199 --> 00:12:55,639
Well, it's just this, really.
233
00:12:57,780 --> 00:12:58,830
Go on.
234
00:13:01,540 --> 00:13:02,590
I meet a girl.
235
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:04,660
We fall in love.
236
00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:06,910
And we do it.
237
00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:13,040
I'm 23 on Friday, Matt.
238
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:14,720
Now, where did my youth go?
239
00:13:14,721 --> 00:13:18,539
When am I going to do the things that I
look back on when I'm older and think
240
00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:20,040
how great it was to be young?
241
00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:23,880
You're a pathetic bastard, you know
that?
242
00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:26,520
Hiya, chaps.
243
00:13:26,870 --> 00:13:27,920
Hello, Mandy.
244
00:13:28,110 --> 00:13:29,790
Wasn't it a nice day today, eh?
245
00:13:29,791 --> 00:13:33,829
One of those bright, crisp days that, I
don't know, just cheers you up, makes
246
00:13:33,830 --> 00:13:34,880
you feel just great.
247
00:13:35,370 --> 00:13:37,630
I thought it was a bit foggy. Off the
blog.
248
00:13:38,090 --> 00:13:42,070
It's got nothing to do with biology,
Matthew Martin.
249
00:13:42,710 --> 00:13:44,570
I'm just in an extremely good mood.
250
00:13:45,210 --> 00:13:48,640
I've got the chance to work as a
researcher for an author I met at work.
251
00:13:48,641 --> 00:13:50,689
That sounds interesting. What sort of
research?
252
00:13:50,690 --> 00:13:53,309
I don't know yet. We're going to have
dinner to discuss it.
253
00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:54,360
Dinner?
254
00:13:55,290 --> 00:13:56,340
Yes, dinner.
255
00:13:56,341 --> 00:13:57,409
What of it?
256
00:13:57,410 --> 00:14:01,290
I expect you'll be researching authors'
underpants and their content.
257
00:14:02,770 --> 00:14:05,300
You really haven't got a clue, have you,
Matthew?
258
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:07,270
Most people have interviews.
259
00:14:07,610 --> 00:14:09,450
Mandy has dinners and gets shagged.
260
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:13,720
I know it's not a concept that you're
familiar with, Matthew.
261
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:16,760
But it's a job. It's got nothing to do
with sex.
262
00:14:19,740 --> 00:14:21,000
What are you grinning at?
263
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,250
Nothing, nothing.
264
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,310
I just thought of what to give Mark for
his birthday.
265
00:14:35,420 --> 00:14:39,480
Ugh, Gibbon smells of egg sandwiches
again. Ugh, gross!
266
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,420
I wrote a poem about him last night.
267
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:43,670
Listen right.
268
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:49,820
Fat belly, watched some telly, ate some
jelly, and done a smelly.
269
00:14:50,980 --> 00:14:52,030
Smelly.
270
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,650
Oh,
271
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,780
it's fine. Yeah.
272
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:10,400
You know, when you play with your thing,
and stuff comes out. Yeah.
273
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:12,940
How much stuff?
274
00:15:12,941 --> 00:15:14,639
Do you reckon comes out?
275
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,740
About a pint and a half, usually.
276
00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:19,360
Between a pint and a pint and a half.
277
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:22,280
Yeah. I usually do just under a pint.
Yeah?
278
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,960
Sometimes a pint. Ah. And what about
you, Martin, eh?
279
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:31,820
Um, I bet he only does a tiny girly
dribble. Yeah.
280
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:36,620
Tiny girly dribble. Tiny girly dribble.
281
00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:38,560
I don't. I come like a fool.
282
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,130
I was thinking about old Spike Davis
today.
283
00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:49,980
I wonder what happened to him.
284
00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:52,360
Spike? He's done all right.
285
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,180
He's got a minicab business.
286
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,160
And he runs two girls.
287
00:15:57,980 --> 00:15:59,360
How do you mean he runs them?
288
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:01,150
Are they athletes?
289
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,020
In a sense, Mark.
290
00:16:05,380 --> 00:16:06,700
And was he like dog racing?
291
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:08,530
Yes and no.
292
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,040
He's gone on a game, Mark.
293
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,080
He lives off their immoral earnings.
294
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:14,630
Spike Davis?
295
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:17,560
He used to copy my French homework.
296
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:19,500
Yeah, well, now he's got his own.
297
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,340
He used to say he came a pint and a
half.
298
00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:24,670
Well, there you are.
299
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,970
That sort of thing gives you power over
women.
300
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:31,290
What would you know about power over
women? You never even leave this flat.
301
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,920
Oh, I've got that card you wanted.
302
00:16:39,580 --> 00:16:40,630
Pen.
303
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:06,560
Happy birthday, mate.
304
00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:22,460
Say thank you, then.
305
00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:24,430
Thank you.
306
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,020
Have you got my cash out?
307
00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:28,389
Oh, yeah.
308
00:17:28,740 --> 00:17:29,790
£200.
309
00:17:29,791 --> 00:17:32,519
I can't really understand how you're
going to spend it, though, seeing as you
310
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,809
haven't set foot outside this flat for
months.
311
00:17:34,810 --> 00:17:36,550
Shut up, Ginge. I'm trying to count.
312
00:17:37,770 --> 00:17:41,570
Just because it's your birthday doesn't
mean I can't do you over.
313
00:17:46,310 --> 00:17:47,360
Come on, Dick.
314
00:17:47,910 --> 00:17:49,490
Nipples, Dick. Go on, Martin.
315
00:17:50,150 --> 00:17:51,530
You're all right, all right.
316
00:17:52,090 --> 00:17:53,140
Here.
317
00:17:53,230 --> 00:17:54,790
I don't want you to look in a mess.
318
00:17:55,130 --> 00:17:56,690
You don't know where it might be.
319
00:18:00,430 --> 00:18:02,030
God, I hope it's Winona Ryder.
320
00:18:07,790 --> 00:18:09,960
This is Ron Matthews. He's come to see
Mandy.
321
00:18:10,661 --> 00:18:12,629
Mandy's not in?
322
00:18:12,630 --> 00:18:13,680
I do, kid.
323
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:16,590
I am a bit early.
324
00:18:16,591 --> 00:18:19,329
I didn't know how long it was going to
take the bus to get here.
325
00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:20,410
What, you came by bus?
326
00:18:20,490 --> 00:18:22,710
Aye. You're a famous writer, aren't you?
327
00:18:22,711 --> 00:18:26,449
Well, I'm not going to sit in the back
of some bugger's car ordering him around
328
00:18:26,450 --> 00:18:28,350
like Lady Muck of Cow Shit Farm.
329
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,090
Mandy gets cabs all the time.
330
00:18:32,091 --> 00:18:33,429
Drink, Ron?
331
00:18:33,430 --> 00:18:35,970
Oh, I'd love a brew if you're making
one, kid. Right.
332
00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:42,020
What do you do?
333
00:18:42,410 --> 00:18:43,460
What's your job?
334
00:18:45,030 --> 00:18:46,390
I don't work, actually.
335
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:51,490
Oh, shit. Sorry, kid. Bloody Tory face
grinding bastard.
336
00:18:53,490 --> 00:18:55,090
You'll pull through, kid.
337
00:18:55,370 --> 00:18:56,810
I can feel it.
338
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:58,820
Thanks.
339
00:18:59,070 --> 00:19:00,120
Peasant.
340
00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:04,370
You haven't read my book, Underdog, have
you?
341
00:19:04,650 --> 00:19:05,700
No,
342
00:19:06,250 --> 00:19:07,570
not that one, I don't think.
343
00:19:07,590 --> 00:19:08,640
Read it.
344
00:19:09,230 --> 00:19:11,430
I wrote that book for you, kid.
345
00:19:14,390 --> 00:19:15,650
Have we met before, then?
346
00:19:21,950 --> 00:19:23,330
Martin? Door!
347
00:19:28,050 --> 00:19:34,690
Gold out for time of year.
348
00:19:35,150 --> 00:19:36,200
Is it?
349
00:19:36,390 --> 00:19:38,430
I haven't been out today.
350
00:19:38,780 --> 00:19:40,720
Oh, sorry, son, I forgot.
351
00:19:41,060 --> 00:19:43,320
Bloody insensitive of me.
352
00:19:43,940 --> 00:19:45,460
Have a drink on me.
353
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,600
Matt, you haven't advertised one of the
rooms to rent, have you?
354
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,610
No.
355
00:19:54,611 --> 00:19:57,599
Well, it's just that there's someone
come from an accommodation agency who
356
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,920
she was given this address.
357
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:00,690
I'm really sorry.
358
00:20:01,020 --> 00:20:02,520
It seems to have been a mistake.
359
00:20:02,521 --> 00:20:05,199
Oh, look, the agency definitely gave me
your address.
360
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,680
That is strange, isn't it?
361
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:09,660
Definitely not us, though.
362
00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,680
I'm afraid I've got two tenants already.
363
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,920
Oh, I guess I'll just have to go home
again.
364
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,050
It's taken me ages to get here from
Crouch End.
365
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:24,199
Look, I know it's a bit of a cheat, but
I couldn't have a quick cup of tea
366
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,179
before I set off again. It's freezing
out.
367
00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:27,230
Of course.
368
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,410
Of course, yeah.
369
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:31,010
Come with me. The kitchen's just down
here.
370
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:35,340
Mark, happy birthday, mate.
371
00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:46,319
I'm still not convinced that I'm the
right person to research the history of
372
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:47,370
mines in Yorkshire.
373
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,540
Oh, you're the one.
374
00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:52,820
We've got a bond, you and me.
375
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,570
You understand.
376
00:20:55,780 --> 00:20:59,520
But I live in London, for one thing, and
I've never done any research.
377
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,540
I just can't agree until I've considered
whether I can do the job or not. Oh,
378
00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:05,710
that doesn't matter.
379
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:09,020
I mean, I could be completely useless
and sick for all you.
380
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:12,000
What did you just say?
381
00:21:12,820 --> 00:21:14,020
When? Just now.
382
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,250
Don't know.
383
00:21:16,340 --> 00:21:17,660
You said it doesn't matter.
384
00:21:18,620 --> 00:21:21,510
And you were referring to whether I
could do the job or not.
385
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:23,980
I didn't mean it like that.
386
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:28,500
Ron, look me in the eye and tell me you
don't want to shag me.
387
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,820
Mandy, I can't. I'm in love with you.
388
00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:36,190
No.
389
00:21:37,740 --> 00:21:39,840
Research your own pants, Ron Grimshaw.
390
00:21:50,510 --> 00:21:51,560
We're lucky, though.
391
00:21:52,210 --> 00:21:54,930
I mean, really, really, really lucky,
aren't we?
392
00:21:54,931 --> 00:21:58,809
Because if you hadn't been given the
wrong address at that agency, you and me
393
00:21:58,810 --> 00:21:59,860
might never have met.
394
00:22:00,590 --> 00:22:05,789
I mean, if that had happened, it would
have been so... so awful, wouldn't it? I
395
00:22:05,790 --> 00:22:06,840
mean, really awful.
396
00:22:06,841 --> 00:22:10,149
I can't bear to think about it,
actually.
397
00:22:10,150 --> 00:22:12,350
Things like this. I mean, it's fate.
398
00:22:12,770 --> 00:22:15,090
Best of the... I mean, bloody hell.
399
00:22:15,570 --> 00:22:16,970
Matt. Yes?
400
00:22:17,650 --> 00:22:18,700
Kim.
401
00:22:19,470 --> 00:22:20,610
I've got to go to the loo.
402
00:22:21,150 --> 00:22:22,710
Right, just down there.
403
00:22:23,910 --> 00:22:24,960
Kim.
404
00:22:26,070 --> 00:22:27,120
Yes.
405
00:22:27,250 --> 00:22:29,110
Bye. Have a nice time.
406
00:22:30,690 --> 00:22:31,740
I love you,
407
00:22:34,090 --> 00:22:35,140
Kim.
408
00:22:37,990 --> 00:22:40,530
Look, does your friend just want to talk
or what?
409
00:22:40,950 --> 00:22:42,330
No, no, he wants to be with me.
410
00:22:42,530 --> 00:22:44,700
Okay, I'll have the money now then,
please.
411
00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:46,109
After Arthur?
412
00:22:46,110 --> 00:22:47,250
In advance.
413
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,870
Some dickhead think it's funny to have
sex and then not pay.
414
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,250
Oh, yeah?
415
00:22:52,340 --> 00:22:54,140
And what would happen if we did that?
416
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:57,210
A man called Eddie Smith would come and
cut your face.
417
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:58,980
Thank you, Matthew.
418
00:23:10,460 --> 00:23:12,140
I'm his birthday present, Martin.
419
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:14,250
From Matthew.
420
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:18,960
Thank you. You shouldn't have.
421
00:23:19,780 --> 00:23:20,830
Come on, Mark.
422
00:23:28,060 --> 00:23:29,110
Claudia?
423
00:23:32,060 --> 00:23:33,110
It's me.
424
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,190
I'm sorry to ring so late. I've got to
talk to you.
425
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,610
Claudia?
426
00:23:39,820 --> 00:23:41,860
I've just done it with Ron Grimshaw.
427
00:23:47,470 --> 00:23:48,750
He's lying next to me, now.
428
00:23:49,070 --> 00:23:50,120
Listen.
429
00:23:55,450 --> 00:23:57,250
I really didn't mean to do it.
430
00:23:57,251 --> 00:24:00,269
I thought he was going to offer me a
research job.
431
00:24:00,270 --> 00:24:02,070
All he really wanted to do was shag me.
432
00:24:02,071 --> 00:24:04,149
Oh, God.
433
00:24:04,150 --> 00:24:08,709
I told myself I'm just going to get up
and walk out of the restaurant, but I
434
00:24:08,710 --> 00:24:09,790
just sort of couldn't.
435
00:24:10,150 --> 00:24:12,200
We finished going back to his hotel
room.
436
00:24:12,950 --> 00:24:14,000
Claudia.
437
00:24:14,730 --> 00:24:17,330
He said I had the body of a champion
whippet.
438
00:24:18,550 --> 00:24:21,930
And he got embarrassed and he said, only
with boobs like.
439
00:24:23,610 --> 00:24:25,150
Oh, God, I'm so stupid.
440
00:24:26,210 --> 00:24:27,650
It was awful.
441
00:24:28,630 --> 00:24:31,310
Claudia, he cried.
442
00:24:31,311 --> 00:24:33,129
I know.
443
00:24:33,130 --> 00:24:34,270
I cried too.
444
00:24:35,090 --> 00:24:37,260
Oh, Claudia, what's going to become of
me?
445
00:25:02,410 --> 00:25:03,460
Yeah, great, thanks.
446
00:25:04,510 --> 00:25:05,560
Good, was she?
447
00:25:06,450 --> 00:25:09,470
Um... Well, she seemed highly
accomplished.
448
00:25:11,530 --> 00:25:13,070
And a very nice person.
449
00:25:14,750 --> 00:25:15,800
Nice person?
450
00:25:16,350 --> 00:25:17,400
Yeah.
451
00:25:17,630 --> 00:25:20,400
Yeah, but bugger that, Mark. What
positions did you do?
452
00:25:23,070 --> 00:25:27,190
Well, the main one was, um... I lay
there.
453
00:25:27,670 --> 00:25:30,290
Yeah. And she did the, um...
454
00:25:31,330 --> 00:25:32,380
You know what?
455
00:25:32,470 --> 00:25:33,520
Business.
456
00:25:33,910 --> 00:25:34,960
Hmm.
457
00:25:36,810 --> 00:25:37,860
On Top Machine.
458
00:25:37,861 --> 00:25:43,389
Look, Matthew, the truth is I wasn't
really in the mood for it, so I just
459
00:25:43,390 --> 00:25:46,169
for a straightforward massage, which was
lovely, thank you, so don't keep going
460
00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:47,220
on about it, please.
461
00:25:49,750 --> 00:25:50,800
Yep.
462
00:25:52,730 --> 00:25:55,590
Opted... ..for a massage.
463
00:25:56,750 --> 00:25:57,800
Yes.
464
00:25:58,700 --> 00:26:00,240
No nudie prod whatsoever.
465
00:26:01,340 --> 00:26:02,390
No.
466
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,020
Martin, where is she now?
467
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:07,510
She's gone to the loo and then she's
going home.
468
00:26:07,620 --> 00:26:10,120
I do realise I paid her for the full
monty.
469
00:26:11,060 --> 00:26:13,400
Sorry, I just... I couldn't.
470
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:18,890
What?
471
00:26:18,980 --> 00:26:22,440
I believe we've got some unfinished
business to discuss.
472
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:24,730
Pardon?
473
00:26:24,860 --> 00:26:27,840
Martin says that you didn't do anything.
474
00:26:28,540 --> 00:26:31,070
So I'm afraid I'm going to have to shag
you instead.
475
00:26:32,380 --> 00:26:34,200
I'm afraid I'm off duty now.
476
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,520
I paid you for the work. It's not a
solid massage.
477
00:26:38,140 --> 00:26:39,820
It's not true what he says, anyway.
478
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,560
We did it four times.
479
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,100
He was insatiable in his desires.
480
00:26:44,780 --> 00:26:45,830
Was he?
481
00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,200
Look how shattered he is.
482
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,800
OK, then, I'll pay you to do me as well.
No, can't do that.
483
00:26:53,801 --> 00:26:54,799
Why not?
484
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,929
Look, I've had enough of the nights.
They don't make us difficult for me.
485
00:26:57,930 --> 00:26:58,980
Why won't you?
486
00:27:00,730 --> 00:27:02,590
I don't fancy you, all right.
487
00:27:04,290 --> 00:27:05,850
I'm into girls, if you must know.
488
00:27:06,070 --> 00:27:09,690
Your friend was nice.
489
00:27:10,110 --> 00:27:11,160
Bye, Mark.
490
00:27:12,330 --> 00:27:13,380
Bye, Kim.
491
00:27:16,110 --> 00:27:18,940
So the thing is, there really isn't a
research job at all.
492
00:27:19,230 --> 00:27:20,280
Not for me, anyway.
493
00:27:21,190 --> 00:27:22,240
Oh, well.
494
00:27:22,241 --> 00:27:25,189
You had nothing in common with him,
really, did you?
495
00:27:25,190 --> 00:27:26,240
I did.
496
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:28,560
We were both called Smelly at school.
497
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,310
I hope you told him off for wasting your
time.
498
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,480
Knowing Mandy, she probably shagged him.
499
00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:42,439
I said to him, look me in the eye, Ron
Grimshaw, and tell me you don't want to
500
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:43,490
shag me.
501
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,630
And he looked at me and he tried to say
it, but he just couldn't.
502
00:27:46,700 --> 00:27:47,820
God, what did you do?
503
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:53,359
I stood up and I said, research your own
pants, Ron Grimshaw, really loudly, so
504
00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:54,969
the whole restaurant could hear.
505
00:27:54,970 --> 00:27:58,489
And then I threw my wine over him and I
marched out of there with my head held
506
00:27:58,490 --> 00:27:59,540
high.
507
00:28:00,770 --> 00:28:06,270
I think I'll hit the sack then.
508
00:28:06,810 --> 00:28:07,860
Bit tired now.
509
00:28:08,870 --> 00:28:11,040
Better sort out a new career in the
morning.
510
00:28:11,750 --> 00:28:12,800
Night, then.
511
00:28:12,910 --> 00:28:14,230
Night, ma 'am. Night, ma 'am.
512
00:28:18,470 --> 00:28:19,520
Matt? Yeah?
513
00:28:21,270 --> 00:28:23,860
You know you like having a bit of a
fight sometimes?
514
00:28:23,910 --> 00:28:24,960
Yeah.
515
00:28:26,220 --> 00:28:27,270
How about one now?
516
00:28:28,260 --> 00:28:29,380
It's a bit late, Mark.
517
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:32,480
Oh, go on, then.
518
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,900
If you really want a bit of
punishment... Oh!
519
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,020
Come on, man, lighten up!
520
00:28:38,021 --> 00:28:40,089
Oh, sorry, mate, does this hurt? I
didn't realise.
521
00:28:40,090 --> 00:28:44,640
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