Original subtitles

But Sunday morning is only for the black.

And the sacred moments of silliness are where I find

my heaven.

I wish I had a girlfriend.

A lovely girl with a sweet, tender face who wanted nothing more but

to lie in my arms.

While I shagged her silly.

Night after night.

Or just every now and then.

Or once.

A snog would do it a pinch.

A friendly smile would be better than nothing.

Matt, has that board ever actually touched salt water?

Has this board ever touched salt water?

Well, yeah, I just wondered if it had, you know, ever done any surfing sort of

thing. Martin?

Yes? Does a bear shit in the woods?

I don't know, does he?

If he was caught short, he might do it in his fur.

You sad bastard.

I wonder girls won't even look at you.

You haven't got a clue about anything, have you?

Girls do look at me.

It's just the conversation and the knobbing, they seem a bit reluctant.

What do you expect to happen when you just stand there transfixed with that

soppy git look on your face?

They're hardly going to bend down, drop their knickers and go, ooh, ooh, please,

Marty, take me roughly from behind.

I don't think I'd like it if they did.

Well, no, I suppose it might be all right.

I've got a lot to learn about sexual politics, mate.

Yeah.

I suppose amongst the sexual politicians, you'd be like Prime

Matt?

Well, Home Secretary, then.

First Lord of the Admiralty?

Get first crack of the wrens, then.

Shut up a lot so I can concentrate on waxing my board.

No, you didn't really answer me.

Has the board ever touched salt water?

This board... This board was once owned by Brad Freebird Rivers,

the great Australian surfing champion. This board has carried Brad... To

time after time. This board has ridden waves a mile high.

This board embodies the glorious spirit of freedom that only a surfer could ever

truly understand.

Matt, mate, it's not that I don't believe you. It's just that, well, I

remember the last time you left this flat, let alone went surfing.

I surf.

Well, I suspect you go surfing when Mandy and I are at work.

Yeah, the minute we leave, you rush out the door and go by private jet to the

south of France for a few hours of hanging ten and walking the dog. Nobody

about that hanging ten shit anymore. You'd better wise up, Mark, because you

headed for wipeout.

There's something else you should understand.

In the life of a man, there are times and there are feelings.

There is a time to surf and there is a time to wax your board.

And I'm not just talking about surfing.

What are you talking about, Matthew?

I'm talking about seizing the moment.

I'm talking about taking control.

Hello. Hello, man.

Are there any messages?

Um, yes, yes, there's quite a few, actually.

Is that all?

Yep, that's a lot.

Oh, no, you took a message from Andy, didn't you, Matthew?

Did I?

Yes. You had to answer the phone because I was going to the toilet at the time

and you were really cross because you had to answer it. Oh.

Oh, yeah.

I don't really remember who it was, though. I don't think it was anything

important. Stop mucking about, Matthew. Who was it? I don't know.

It was Barry or something.

Matthew, I don't know anyone called Barry. Why can't you just write messages

down, like Martin?

Who's Flattiesworth, anyway?

Whose phone is it?

Do you realise it's getting worn out with all these people ringing up for a

with Mandy Wilkins?

I'm sorry nobody rings you, Matthew.

I expect Brad Freebird Rivers rings him.

And I'm sorry you had to answer the phone and that it was somebody for me,

will you please, please just tell me who it was? Oh, calm down, woman.

You're giving me a headache.

What do you think with you going on?

Yeah, I remember it.

It was some northerner.

He only had the nerve to try and start a conversation with me. How are you then,

mate?

I don't know where you find him, man. I really don't.

And did he, by any chance, happen to disclose his identity?

He what?

Who was it? I don't know what his name was. I think Northern.

Like, oh, for black pudding, something like that.

It wasn't something like, um, Paul Johnson, was it?

Hmm. I suppose it could have been.

Yeah, that was probably it.

Paul Johnson!

Who is he then, man? Does he know? Oh, he's wonderful.

He's the most beautiful man I've ever seen.

I only met him on Friday. I never thought he'd ring me.

I don't know why.

You're an opportunity not to be missed.

Oh, do you think so?

Thanks, Matt.

Only because you've got Easy Lay written all over you.

He's a boxer, by the way. Oh, is he?

Hey, Paul Johnson.

He's not Paul the Rage Johnson, is he?

Oh, don't be so thick, Martin.

Yeah, that's him.

The rage.

But Mandy, he's black.

Is he?

Oh, shit, I wish you'd told me.

Funny. He didn't sound black.

What did he sound like?

Northern. Ugly.

He's ever so famous.

He's always been photographed with page three girls.

Hey, Matt.

If he's going out with Mandy, do you think he'd let us have a go with some of

his spares?

If we begged him sort of thing.

We don't beg from black northern boxers.

Don't we?

Oh, Matt, I just want a girl.

Any girl.

I'd love her.

Even one of the rages rejects, I'd give her good loving.

Marty, shape up.

Be like me, man.

Stay cool.

Wax your board.

Wait for your way.

The big Wednesday.

When the time is right, the girl will come to you.

I wonder what he sees in Mandy anyway.

I'd rather have a page -free girl than Mandy any day of the week.

But you haven't really got a choice, though, have you?

Not like Paul the Rage Johnson.

Yeah, well, you'd better not muck her around.

I mean, he may be famous, yeah, but I do not want him coming round here, lording

it over us and upsetting Mandy.

If he steps out of line, he'll have me to answer to.

He'll be sorry he ever had a sniff of Mandy Wilkins.

He's a bloody good boxer, actually, Matt.

He's only a middleweight.

Anyway, he's talking about boxing.

I'm talking about fighting.

The kind of fighting that you learn on the streets.

What, street fighting?

Yeah.

Forget your Greensby rules, pal. I'm talking about savage bloodletting.

Was this what you picked up on the streets of Herne Bay, then?

Martin.

I could have him.

End of story, all right?

OK, listen, that's Paul come to get me. Do you mind if I bring him in here while

I finish getting ready?

No, wheel him in. Let's have a look at him.

Nice to meet you. I'm Martin, and this is Matthew. Hi, mate. Oh, hi. Nice to

meet you.

I'm just going to finish getting ready. I won't be long. Yeah, take your time.

I'll take your time.

Thanks.

Do you, er, want a drink?

Do they call you Paul or Rage?

No, just Paul, usually.

Or Sir.

Are we kidding?

Are we kidding?

There's a bottle of lager, I think, or a cup of tea.

Oh, I'll have a lager, thanks. I'm not driving.

What do you drive, then?

Lamborghini.

I'm getting rid of it, though. The bugger's the start from the cold, you

Yeah, right.

Who needs it? Well, how about yourself?

What do you drive?

Um, I haven't really made my mind up yet. I might get a Ferrari.

Ferrari?

Nice car. Cracking, yeah, lovely.

A test -rover Ferrari?

A Porsche and a Maserati before deciding on the Lamborghini. All right.

Cheers, mate.

Yeah, that's a lovely table.

Really unusual.

Designer, isn't it?

I love designer stuff, mate.

Here, I've got my own range of menswear coming out soon. Dead chuffed with it, I

am.

I like your necklace.

Do you?

Lee Santorini.

Got a dead cheek because he's a big boxing fan. Only five grand.

Bargain.

Come on, Pop.

Come on, love.

Anyway, nice to meet you. Take care of yourself.

Good luck for the big fight on

Wednesday. Thank you.

like his necklace?

No, of course not.

I was ripping the piss out of him.

Well, why did you say you liked it then?

Words aren't just words, you know, mine.

I mean, he knew that what I was really saying was that your necklace looks like

a turd on a string.

I suspect he's dead frightened then.

Yeah, actually, now you come to mention it, I thought I saw a look of terror on

his face.

bloodletting as it started.

Hello,

Mr Martin.

Hello, Mira.

Right. We'd like a chicken tikka boona, a lamb pathanda,

two rice, two poshwari naan, a mushroom

bhaji, a spinach bhaji, an aubergine bhaji, a tarka dal,

And a vegetable biryani.

Um, that's it, I think.

Okay. Oh, no, I suppose I'd better get him some poppadoms as well.

How many, Mr. Martin?

Um, ten.

Five spicy, five plain.

Okay, thank you, Mr. Martin. Take a seat, won't you, love?

Wow, that's a big order.

You guys having a party or something?

No, actually, it's just for me and my pet monster.

I've got him chained up at home waiting for his dinner.

No, really, it was a joke.

Oh, right.

Thanks. Bye.

Excuse me, but is that a turd on a string?

Sorry, I mean, is that a Lee Santorini?

Yeah, it sure is. Do you like it?

Yeah, it's great. Yeah, my friend just bought one. Yeah, they're really cool,

aren't they?

Lee's got to be the hottest jewellery designer in L .A. Yeah, it's really

I mean, hot.

I mean, you're American, aren't you?

Yeah, my name's Nancy.

Martin. Oh, what's your first name?

Martin.

So your name's Martin Martin, right?

What a bummer.

Was she just called you Mr. Martin?

Oh, yes.

She could have always called me Mr. Martin.

You see, the first time I came in here, they said to me, what's your name? And I

said, Martin.

And they thought it was my surname.

So they've always called me Mr. Martin, and somehow it's just stuck.

Well, it's not a very interesting story.

Why don't you just tell them that's not your name?

Um, I don't know, I didn't like to.

Thought it might upset them or something.

Wow. You English guys are really sensitive, aren't you?

I couldn't believe it when she said she'd go out with me.

I made it happen, though, didn't I? I seized the moment.

Probably. She noticed your sad, wimpy vibes and felt sorry for you.

Where do you think I should take her?

Why don't you bring her round here and then we can both have a go at her?

And why would I want you to have a go at her?

Well, you know, to see if she's all right.

Test runner sort of thing. And then if she passes muster, it's over to you.

I wanted to be interested in you, Matthew. I wanted to be interested in

All right, all right.

Selfish bastard.

I suppose you'll be wanting some hints on how to act cool and impressive.

Listen.

She's brought him back here.

Christ, man, he's going to shake the rage.

I'll be through there for a date. Oh, no, disgusting.

She can't say no to anyone, can she?

What about when you asked her to have sex with you the other day and she said,

piss off, bollock face?

I don't know.

Hey, do you think Nan still shagged me on our first date?

I'd be lucky if she turns up, wouldn't I?

Do you hear anything?

I think they've got in the bedroom.

What's on the box?

Oh, it's, um, Sunset Beach again.

It's the one where Brett tells Jay he thinks he may be gay until Jay beats him

up. Oh, right.

Do you and Paul have a good time?

Yes.

No. Paul's got that big fight on Wednesday in New York, so he's in

He's gone to sleep.

No shagging, then?

Oh, for God's sake!

I wish you two would get your own lives instead of being so bloody obsessed with

mine. No. No shagging, all right?

Satisfied, Miss Havisham?

Eh? What's going on about?

Miss Havisham was a character in Great Expectations who was jilted by her lover

and sat deteriorating in a room for years and years and never, ever went

Everything around her crumbled away to dust and in the end she was burnt to

death along with her house.

Why don't you just leave us alone and go to bed?

I can't really go to bed.

Come and have a look.

Shh.

Come on, quick.

Isn't he lovely?

I could have him.

Do you reckon?

Yeah.

Piece of piss.

Listen, I can't wake him up, so I'm going to have to sleep somewhere else

tonight.

I don't mind if I stay with you tonight, Mark.

I promise I won't pinch the duvet.

No. I mean, yes, of course.

Yes, please.

I mean, all right, fine.

That's it.

You two, leave me out of your cosy little arrangements, as usual.

Bastards.

I do have a life, you know, Mand.

I've got a job in a bank and I'm going out with an American girl called Nancy

Wednesday. Really?

Oh, that's great.

I hope you have a brilliant time.

Thanks.

Mand? Mm -hm?

Why did you choose to sleep with me and not Matthew?

Because I trust you.

You wouldn't try any funny business.

Why wouldn't I try any funny business?

Because you're my best friend's little brother.

You're like my little brother.

Oh, yeah.

Mand. What?

I don't always think of you like that.

Go to sleep, Martin.

Right.

I overslept. I didn't get much sleep last night.

You jammy bastard.

No, I wasn't. I mean, we weren't. Oh, God, I don't believe it.

She was offering herself to you on a plate, mate.

She practically went to sleep as soon as her head touched the pillow.

I got this massive erection. I couldn't move all night in case it brushed

against her. It was terrible.

I expect you're a homosexual.

There's no other explanation for it, is there?

Listen, Matt, I'm a happening guy.

I've got a life, I've got a date, and the day after tomorrow is Big Wednesday.

Martin? What?

Forgot to stir.

What time's the fight?

It's on 7pm New York time and they're five hours behind us, so it's on telly

here about midnight.

We'll probably have enough.

Just about.

I wonder how Martin's doing.

I hope he's all right.

He deserves a nice little girlfriend, doesn't he?

No.

All right, then.

There's pie.

It's true.

I don't believe it.

Anywhere outside, Stuart.

Parks, the fields, the beach.

Football pitch when your team have just won. Yeah.

Not that I've ever... Ever tried it in a tree?

In a tree?

Yeah. Yeah, you're constantly in danger of falling out. It gives you a real

buzz. I used to remember that.

I tried the restroom in a McDonald's once.

Really? Yeah.

It was a gas.

I'm a Southpaw.

Go on, then.

Ask me what a Southpaw is.

Stop it, Mandy. Quick. Look.

He's really famous, isn't he?

I don't like going out with a celebrity, Matt.

It's horrible.

All his friends think I must be a page three girl.

Just ignore him.

How can you ignore somebody who comes right up to you and says, I didn't know

you were going out with Paul. You're the one with the big nipples, aren't you?

There's nothing wrong with being a page three girl anyway, Mandy.

I wouldn't mind being one, for instance.

You should take it as a compliment.

But I'm the brainy type, Matt. I mean...

I've got a career.

You're a secretary, aren't you?

So, um, where are we going now, then, Nancy?

Back to my place.

Well, that is what you wanted, isn't it?

Um, yes.

Yes.

Why not?

You don't have to worry. My roommate's away till Friday.

Well, that's... that's cool.

God, it would be just my luck if he gets knocked out tonight and goes into a

coma and I have to sit by his bedside day and night for 20 years because if I

don't, the tabloids will hound me and do stories on what a heartless bitch I am.

No!

How could they say that?

You're a really lovely girl, Mandy.

And your eyes are a really nice colour tonight.

They'd dig up thousands of men and they'd all tell nasty...

They'd make my sister tell them how I wet the bed until I was 13.

13?

Yes.

Blimey.

I'm all right now, though.

I mean, bed wet in white.

That's good.

I'm home.

Well?

Did you have a good time, then? Don't be stupid, Matt. Of course I didn't have a

good time. Look at the state of him.

No, it's all right, Matt. I'm OK.

I think he's in shock, Matt. He practically did get a shag.

Hold his hand, Matthew.

I don't hold hands. I'm a man.

Hold it! Right.

Did Paul win the fight?

It hasn't started yet.

Don't you worry about that load of nasty macho bollocks, Martin. You tell us

what happened on your date.

Well, the beginning of the evening went very well.

I took her to the duck.

We had a few drinks.

It was very quiet in there.

Nancy told me a few stories about where she's had sex and where she liked to.

She looked me right in the eye.

She smiled.

She sat with her knee touching mine.

Oh, you were game on, no question, mate.

And then she asked me back to her place.

You jammy bastard.

I couldn't believe it.

I was walking on air.

Seemed like only a couple of minutes. We were up the stairs and outside her

door, and suddenly I thought, condoms.

Condoms? Well, I didn't have any.

A girl like that would think I was so uncool.

I said, just a minute. I ran downstairs into the street.

Took me about ten minutes to find the chemist, but I've got a packet, look.

Look, a packet of three.

Mark, why are they all still here?

Because as soon as I came out the chemist, I realised I was completely

I didn't have a clue how to get back to her flat.

I hadn't noticed the number of the street or even the name of the road. I

noticed anything.

I thought, you know, if I sort of ran round the streets, I might recognise

something.

But I ran round the whole area for an hour and a half till I was completely

exhausted.

And I didn't recognise anything.

So then I came home.

Oh, Martin.

Just think.

He's probably lying there.

On her bed.

Right now.

Legs akimbo.

Gagging for it.

You stupid shagwit.

Why didn't you bring her back here? Then we could both have had a go at her.

Matthew! You are disgusting!

Well, I hate waste.

Martin,

where's your cigarette?

I don't know.

I can smell burning.

So can I. Somebody get some water.

I can still smell burning. There must be a really big fire if I can smell it

from here.

It's funny.

I can't smell it anymore.

Neither can I.

Ah! Oh, shit!

It's in my pocket!

It's in my nipple.

any headache.

Matthew was right about me.

What are you witching on about now?

I'm a shagwit, aren't I?

Shut up, Matthew. I'm not in the mood.

Make him start, Matthew.

Shut up, Matthew.

Shut up.

You're so horrible.

Shagwit. Right.

I'm sorry, Matthew. I didn't want to have to do this right now.

It was the ironing board.

So much for Big Wednesday.