Original subtitles

Attention, everyone. I'd like to make an announcement. I've been doing some

research on how to achieve my dream of becoming a professional archie, and I

discovered that everyone who has served as an assistant archie union president

has gone on to become a full -blown archie.

Therefore... Bleeding.

I'm running for president of the assistant archie union. Can you please

down? I have a serum in impaction, and I'm trying to hate -watch Zane's

Ah! Now the world is too loud!

Live from Egypt, it's the opening of Cleopatra's tomb.

Special starring Zane Troy. Welcome. We all know Cleopatra as history's ultimate

sex symbol. There's not a person alive who hasn't beat off thinking of her.

Cleopatra was one of the greatest leaders in all of history. She should be

revered for her accomplishment, not her look. But we've never known what

Cleopatra actually looked like until now.

Let's see how proper fit this bird really was.

Oh, good Lord!

Cleopatra isn't smoking hot. She's mid. I repeat, she is mid.

This is great. I can't wait to see this from Pesaurus.

Howard, this is shocking news.

Cleopatra, once the historical standard for beauty, was actually mid. And for

our viewers who may be watching this news broadcast in a few years, mid is

for middle of the road. This is weird.

She looks, like, so familiar.

Can't quite place why.

This is... gonna drive me crazy man why am i blanking oh crap it's me she got

there

if

you're

an assistant archie vote for me hello fellow assistant archie what are you

i'm running to be the assistant arcy union president no i'm asking what are

doing going out in public looking like a straight up cleopatra hey saltine

fleety forgot his crank at home there you go you little lunatic How's the

campaign going? Not great. My opponent, Carl Crunch, is getting a lot more

attention, even though he's despicable. Aren't you tired of Arkeys always

getting into trouble for stealing artifacts?

Yeah. Then vote for me. I say it should be legal for Arkeys to steal. That goes

against my many morals. The job of an Arkey is to discover lost artifacts.

If you steal artifacts, you're not an Arkey. You're a looty.

Rip Digman.

I thought I smelled something rank.

Jasper Jenkins.

You know him?

Many milky moons ago, the Smithsonian hired Bella and I to replace Jasper.

had it out for me ever since.

In fact, once during an Archie Charity soccer game, he pulled down my umbros in

front of everyone.

And I'm afraid to say, the underwear came with.

Look, his butt is round.

Why is that bad?

That's not a bad point!

Get out of it. Sorry.

Got lost in my flashback. Side question, though. A round butt, that's good,

right? Oh, man. So many factors to consider before answering that. But

Well, well, well, Rip. It looks like our assistants are running against each

other. Too bad her odds of winning are like my favorite gym, Slim. You're

Her chances are like my cholesterol.

Hi. If you're so confident, why not make it interesting?

Whoever's assistant loses has to resign from being an Archie forever.

You're on, Jasper. You there. Are you a notary public?

Yes. Get over here. Let's make this official.

Page assigned here and...

It's legally binding. Whoever's assisted Lucid has to resign from being an

Archie. Hell yeah!

This absolutely rocks!

By the way, how are your polling numbers?

Fantastic! It's how Carl Crunch must feel after the latest polling numbers

him way ahead of Saltine. Damn it!

This meeting of the council is officially called to order. Who has new

business? I'd like to proudly report that the U2 Museum has secured one of

Edge's guitars.

I bet it'll look great next to all of your photos of the band.

Photos of the band? What a brilliant idea.

Enough nonsense.

It's time we discuss the greatest threat facing American museums today. I speak,

of course, of permission slip.

What's that now? Life.

School field trips are a massive revenue source for museums. But every student

must have a signed permission slip in order to attend. On average, 2 .4

from every class fail to get their slip signed.

Multiply that by the number of classes and the number of school districts

the country. Net loss, $57 billion.

That's disgusting. And while we suffer, permission slip printing companies

like... are raking in billions. Is there nothing we can do to stop this madness?

That's where you come in. If the U .S. passes legislation banning permission

slips nationwide, those billions would go to us. So we blackmailed and bribed

dozens of senators to win their vote.

Senator Stacey Potts of North Dakota is our only holdout. And we know exactly

what to bribe her with. She wants to spend one night with Zane Troy.

Oh, damn.

Okay, but how should I do this? Just walk up to Zane and say, Hey, buddy, I

you're happily married, but would you mind sleeping with another woman for my

financial gain? Yes.

Hey, buddy, I know you're happily married, but would you mind sleeping

another woman for my financial gain? Sure thing, mate. Oh, you're not worried

about Gasolina?

Monogamy is a foreign concept to the puff people. They consider it a form of

punishment. In fact, Gasolina is back in puff land for the superplow, their

annual mass orgy. It's laughable to think I could satiate one one -millionth

her sexual needs on a day. Anyway, who's this bird you want me to shag?

All right, we got to figure out how you can win this race. If I can't be an

archie anymore, I don't know what I'll do.

Conduct a symphony orchestra?

I don't own a baton, Saltine. I know the numbers look bad right now, but I'm

sure that once everyone hears my ideas at the big debate, they'll vote for me.

No.

They won't. In the history of the assistant -archy election, the more

conventionally attractive person has won every single time. Really?

Herschel Hardbody beat Larry Littlefoot. What? Stud Rockhard beat Dinky Doodad.

No! Kylie Kisses beat Wedgie Dampcrack. Oh, the North Haven Dampcrack? I'm

afraid so.

In our wretched, superficial society, Cleopatra being deemed mid is a campaign

killer. Oh, no!

There may yet be hope. Whoa! I didn't even know you were in the room.

Many years ago, while traveling through India on a secret spy mission... Did we

know she used to be a spy?

I came across a Sanskrit riddle I was unable to crack that supposedly leads to

long -lost artifact.

The sari of an untold hue.

Good goggles.

It's a garment whose color is completely unique, unlike any other on Earth. And

it's so stunning that anyone who wears it instantly looks like a ten.

A ten?

That's one less than my girlfriend, Cornelia. That garment is exactly what I

need. Why the hell didn't you ever tell me about this? I always planned on

giving it to my daughter, but I just found out I'm barren. So now I give it

you. Thank you, Agatha. This is perfect.

Come on, guys. Let's go to India and find this sari. Right now?

Well, I'd normally like to get a haircut before a big trip, but I guess you're

right. This is pretty urgent, so let's go!

Maybe we just check my salon, see if they have availability this afternoon

anyways. You know, see if Dante has any openings.

No? Just go?

All right, let's do it!

Thanks for meeting us, Jaya. We hear you're the best translator slash

cryptographer in town.

That's true. So what do you think of this?

This is fan art of Garfield the Cat.

Whoops! Wrong paper! I meant to give you this one. But also, let's circle back

later so you can tell me what you think of my scarf. It's hard to get the straps

right. Let's see.

If the sorry's what you seek, deep within the cave you'll find... Wowie!

I mean, it's indecipherable.

Bye! Dang, what a bust! Super, she was obviously lying. I can't believe I gave

her a tampon. After her!

Here we go. Another day, another transactional sex act. Devoid of

Hello, Senator?

Zane? Join me on the veranda.

All right, let's get to shagging.

The rush, Zane. Take in the view.

You can see all of North Dakota up here on the second floor.

Can you see any of South Dakota?

I pray not.

Jolly good. Shall we get on with it? Don't you want to know more about North

Dakota? Our state bird is the western meadowlark. Our median household income

$61 ,285.

And our top export is the North Dakota Wikipedia page.

Sounds important enough. We don't need to get to know one another. This is a

-night -only thing.

I'm well aware.

But your point is taken. So let's make like Josh Duhamel's parents did and have

sex in North Dakota. I don't get it. Is he from here or something? He is, yes.

Oh, damn.

Wow. Now that was a rogering to remember.

I agree.

You certainly enchanted my highway.

Is that a North Dakota thing? Definitely.

Great, then it was worth saying.

Can I make you a small breakfast?

Beans, black pudding, a whole big weird grilled tomato?

No time. Not to sound all Mr.

Smith, but I do have to go to Washington.

When can I see you again? Oh, Zane.

Last night was everything I hoped it would be. But I'm getting married this

weekend. This is just the last hurrah.

This is odd.

My throat.

It's... below.

Look!

It's Buddy Brown!

We've been here all night. When is Jaya going to come out of there? The answer?

Now! Never!

Hey! No!

Open it, Rip! Just think. We're about to see a color that has never before been

seen on the planet Earth.

Oh, my God. It's beautiful.

This color, it's impossible to describe.

Really? It just looks yellow to me. Uh, you think this looks yellow?

You're crazy.

I can't find the words to describe this color, but it is definitely not yellow.

I guess it's just one of those things where for some people it looks yellow,

for everyone else it looks like the most beautiful, spectacular new color you've

ever seen. One of those things?

Is that a thing? That's a thing? I've never heard of it.

Sorry,

not sorry.

Damn it, a pun and run.

I know.

Don't even think it, Rip. He's that flanking at.

Hurry, stop.

Oh, no.

Do you think she's okay?

I'll be honest.

I do not.

Did that help?

My honesty?

Hurry up and put on the sari, Saltine. We don't have all day.

Okay, one second.

Everyone, stop horning out for me so hard.

Man, that's crazy how much it works. Anyways, let's hit the campaign trail.

Some people think that if you steal something, you should go to jail.

So I guess that means they think Chris Tucker should go to jail for stealing

every scene he's in in The Fifth Element. Hey, everyone.

Who wants to hear my policy proposal?

Wow.

Can I have a button? Of course.

Oh, see ya die.

My God, she went from naughty to hottie. Yeah, that's right, Crunch.

You're fucking on.

Will you kiss my baby?

Crunch.

It's okay. It's just a short, cute, bald man dressed as a hot baby.

I'm a consenting adult.

Hours to go before the assistant -archy debate. The latest polls show that

Saltine has pulled ahead of Carl Crunch.

And after the break, we'll discuss which commercials we liked best.

And voila.

Oh, hey, Vernon. What's up? I was just practicing my French. I just got off the

phone with Senator Potts. Zane has been calling her, sending her flowers, and

pitching woo of all kinds.

Zane, you have to leave. I'm engaged to someone else.

But does he dance for you like this?

Yes, all the time. Rats. Oh, dear. I didn't realize he caught feelings.

Well, caught them he did. And Senator Potts has threatened to vote against the

permission slip ban tonight if Zane doesn't knock it off. I'll take care of

You better. Or else I'll be so sad.

Zane, what are you doing? Well, Senator Potts is getting married tomorrow, so

I'm going to surprise her at work today and tell her to call it off. I don't

want to have to do this, but the senator isn't going to vote for the permission

slip ban if you keep this up. So knock it off or you're fired.

Fired?

Well, I'm going to follow my heart. You can do what you want to me.

What do you want to get up to tonight? You want to have like an unstructured

hang, just you and me? Buddy bot, shut the fuck up.

Zane, wait up. Quail? There's just one more thing I wanted to say to you. My

or yours?

You mean it? Yes.

Now, answer my car question.

Welcome to Permissiotron Arena for the final debate between Carl Crunch and

Saltine.

I thought I'd find you here.

Jaya, you're alive.

Oh, are you here to kill me? No, even worse, to shame you. I want you to know

was trying to take the Thari because it belongs to my family. It was stolen by

looties decades ago, and we've been searching for it ever since.

And I just took it from you?

Oh, no.

If I wear a stolen artifact in the debate, I'm no better than Carl Crunch.

That's true. But if I don't wear it, he'll destroy me. What do I do?

Thank you.

Senator, wait. What are you doing here, Zane?

Just like North Dakota is the United States' largest producer of barley, I am

the largest producer of love for you.

Oh, Zane, you had me at North Dakota.

What?

Yeah, sorry about that. She's a hologram. Once you said you were going

here, even if I fired you, I had to think fast.

I couldn't risk you ruining the vote. Extra, extra.

Senate passes bill to ban permission slips. Senator Potts is now on her way

the wedding of the century.

Great. worked out perfectly for me that is yeah yeah excuse me i'm gonna go and

cry enough tears to fill up lake sakaka with the largest man -made lake in north

dakota oh man he's down bad

Carla's gonna mop the floor with Saltine. Well, that's a lucky floor,

Saltine would make a wonderful mop. The candidates are taking the stage, and oh

my gosh, Saltine is mid again.

I repeat, Saltine is mid. Oh, no!

She looks like a damn Cleopatra again.

I may have chosen poorly here.

Hello, unemployment office? Do you have any openings? You don't? Damn it!

Welcome to the Assistant Archie Union presidential debate.

Our first question is for Saltine.

It was in the trailer.

Saltine, in the unlikely event that you are elected, what would be your first

action in office?

Um...

Breaking news. As a result of the recent permission slip ban, major permission

slip printing manufacturers like Permissiatron have already declared

And now back to the debate.

It doesn't matter what I'm wearing. What matters are my ideas. I can do this. My

fellow assistant Archie.

Son of a fucknut. What the hell's going on?

Huh? Sorry, folks. Had to cut the power because the owners of the arena

Permissiatron just went out of business.

My family will pray tonight for a bailout.

Ah! Fleeting?

Sleepy? You're a genius!

Hello, my name is Saltine. A lot of you haven't listened to what I have to say

because I look like Cleopatra. But now that you can't see me, maybe you can

finally hear me. So here is what I believe.

First of all, I think that Archies shouldn't steal artifacts.

Our job is to help reunite people with their past, not... Take it from them.

She's got a good point. Her actual ideas are winning them over in the dark. Turn

the power back on. And break the electrician's code? Are you crazy?

I'm not letting you turn the lights back on.

The people need to hear something!

My occipital lobe!

And finally, people have been trying to insult me by saying I look like

Cleopatra, but I'm not. I'm not ashamed of looking like Cleopatra, because even

though she was mid, her ideas were hubba hubba hot.

Now that I can't see what the candidates look like, it's clear Saltini's ideas

are way better. I agree.

Saltini, Saltini, Saltini. I got you. You're forgetting one thing.

I only wear tearaway clothes.

Oh, man.

Your butt.

It's a cube shape.

And it always has been, round ass.

Is that considered better, though?

I'm smoking.

Saltine! Saltine!

Saltine! Oh, right.

She looking like Cleopatra. Carl Crunch, it's time for your closing statement.

I have an announcement. I now believe in everything Saltine believes in!

Saltine, your stirring words utterly moved me. Shall we run together on the

ticket as co -president? I promise to let you do all the work. And I promise

let you let me. Because I don't trust you to do it right. And I care enough

about the greater good to take on the manual and...

The crowd is begging me to crunch a saltine in my mouth. I always knew this

would come.

Time for Barry Zimnov to give the people what they want.

Something smells like shit. It's this gross corpse with crackers all in his

mouth. Let's burn it. Burn it. Burn it.

I have been waiting my whole life to see a mob burn an evacuated corpse.

And now I may pass on.

So, if neither of them lost, I guess we both get to keep Ian Arkey's. I guess

so. Truce. Ugh, fine.

Game. See you later.

Round butt. How is that worse than a cube?

Hey, buddy.

Sorry for tricking you. No, no, I get it. The permission slip ban was

Well, you know, the bill passed, and the senator doesn't get married for a few

more hours.

What are you getting at, mate?

I think we just got caught up in the moment. Same, same. Want me to drop you

at the Greyhound station? No, thanks. I'll just hop out of this moving