Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,340 --> 00:00:12,329
Attention, everyone. I'd like to make an
announcement. I've been doing some
2
00:00:12,330 --> 00:00:15,269
research on how to achieve my dream of
becoming a professional archie, and I
3
00:00:15,270 --> 00:00:18,309
discovered that everyone who has served
as an assistant archie union president
4
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:20,420
has gone on to become a full -blown
archie.
5
00:00:20,610 --> 00:00:21,660
Therefore... Bleeding.
6
00:00:22,570 --> 00:00:26,649
I'm running for president of the
assistant archie union. Can you please
7
00:00:26,650 --> 00:00:30,670
down? I have a serum in impaction, and
I'm trying to hate -watch Zane's
8
00:00:31,170 --> 00:00:33,510
Ah! Now the world is too loud!
9
00:00:34,270 --> 00:00:37,830
Live from Egypt, it's the opening of
Cleopatra's tomb.
10
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:43,209
Special starring Zane Troy. Welcome. We
all know Cleopatra as history's ultimate
11
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:46,880
sex symbol. There's not a person alive
who hasn't beat off thinking of her.
12
00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:49,889
Cleopatra was one of the greatest
leaders in all of history. She should be
13
00:00:49,890 --> 00:00:53,229
revered for her accomplishment, not her
look. But we've never known what
14
00:00:53,230 --> 00:00:56,310
Cleopatra actually looked like until
now.
15
00:00:56,610 --> 00:00:58,930
Let's see how proper fit this bird
really was.
16
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:06,690
Oh, good Lord!
17
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:10,840
Cleopatra isn't smoking hot. She's mid.
I repeat, she is mid.
18
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,260
This is great. I can't wait to see this
from Pesaurus.
19
00:01:16,820 --> 00:01:19,300
Howard, this is shocking news.
20
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:24,579
Cleopatra, once the historical standard
for beauty, was actually mid. And for
21
00:01:24,580 --> 00:01:28,399
our viewers who may be watching this
news broadcast in a few years, mid is
22
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,440
for middle of the road. This is weird.
23
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,540
She looks, like, so familiar.
24
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:33,920
Can't quite place why.
25
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:38,609
This is... gonna drive me crazy man why
am i blanking oh crap it's me she got
26
00:01:38,610 --> 00:01:38,889
there
27
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:45,709
if
28
00:01:45,710 --> 00:01:54,749
you're
29
00:01:54,750 --> 00:01:59,009
an assistant archie vote for me hello
fellow assistant archie what are you
30
00:01:59,010 --> 00:02:02,769
i'm running to be the assistant arcy
union president no i'm asking what are
31
00:02:02,770 --> 00:02:08,149
doing going out in public looking like a
straight up cleopatra hey saltine
32
00:02:08,150 --> 00:02:11,899
fleety forgot his crank at home there
you go you little lunatic How's the
33
00:02:11,900 --> 00:02:15,019
campaign going? Not great. My opponent,
Carl Crunch, is getting a lot more
34
00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:18,359
attention, even though he's despicable.
Aren't you tired of Arkeys always
35
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,459
getting into trouble for stealing
artifacts?
36
00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:24,919
Yeah. Then vote for me. I say it should
be legal for Arkeys to steal. That goes
37
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:29,200
against my many morals. The job of an
Arkey is to discover lost artifacts.
38
00:02:29,460 --> 00:02:32,410
If you steal artifacts, you're not an
Arkey. You're a looty.
39
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,300
Rip Digman.
40
00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:37,080
I thought I smelled something rank.
41
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:38,750
Jasper Jenkins.
42
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:40,980
You know him?
43
00:02:41,210 --> 00:02:45,689
Many milky moons ago, the Smithsonian
hired Bella and I to replace Jasper.
44
00:02:45,690 --> 00:02:47,010
had it out for me ever since.
45
00:02:47,011 --> 00:02:50,589
In fact, once during an Archie Charity
soccer game, he pulled down my umbros in
46
00:02:50,590 --> 00:02:51,389
front of everyone.
47
00:02:51,390 --> 00:02:54,030
And I'm afraid to say, the underwear
came with.
48
00:02:54,990 --> 00:02:57,510
Look, his butt is round.
49
00:02:58,390 --> 00:02:59,440
Why is that bad?
50
00:02:59,730 --> 00:03:01,170
That's not a bad point!
51
00:03:02,460 --> 00:03:03,510
Get out of it. Sorry.
52
00:03:03,620 --> 00:03:07,640
Got lost in my flashback. Side question,
though. A round butt, that's good,
53
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:12,200
right? Oh, man. So many factors to
consider before answering that. But
54
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:17,959
Well, well, well, Rip. It looks like our
assistants are running against each
55
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:23,280
other. Too bad her odds of winning are
like my favorite gym, Slim. You're
56
00:03:23,281 --> 00:03:25,219
Her chances are like my cholesterol.
57
00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:28,660
Hi. If you're so confident, why not make
it interesting?
58
00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:33,260
Whoever's assistant loses has to resign
from being an Archie forever.
59
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,490
You're on, Jasper. You there. Are you a
notary public?
60
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,670
Yes. Get over here. Let's make this
official.
61
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,720
Page assigned here and...
62
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:44,359
It's legally binding. Whoever's assisted
Lucid has to resign from being an
63
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:45,410
Archie. Hell yeah!
64
00:03:45,460 --> 00:03:47,100
This absolutely rocks!
65
00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:49,459
By the way, how are your polling
numbers?
66
00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:53,979
Fantastic! It's how Carl Crunch must
feel after the latest polling numbers
67
00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:56,080
him way ahead of Saltine. Damn it!
68
00:03:56,540 --> 00:04:00,759
This meeting of the council is
officially called to order. Who has new
69
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:05,059
business? I'd like to proudly report
that the U2 Museum has secured one of
70
00:04:05,060 --> 00:04:06,110
Edge's guitars.
71
00:04:06,750 --> 00:04:09,700
I bet it'll look great next to all of
your photos of the band.
72
00:04:09,870 --> 00:04:11,980
Photos of the band? What a brilliant
idea.
73
00:04:12,150 --> 00:04:13,200
Enough nonsense.
74
00:04:13,201 --> 00:04:16,949
It's time we discuss the greatest threat
facing American museums today. I speak,
75
00:04:16,950 --> 00:04:18,450
of course, of permission slip.
76
00:04:18,470 --> 00:04:19,550
What's that now? Life.
77
00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:23,349
School field trips are a massive revenue
source for museums. But every student
78
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:27,809
must have a signed permission slip in
order to attend. On average, 2 .4
79
00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:30,160
from every class fail to get their slip
signed.
80
00:04:30,450 --> 00:04:34,369
Multiply that by the number of classes
and the number of school districts
81
00:04:34,370 --> 00:04:37,470
the country. Net loss, $57 billion.
82
00:04:37,471 --> 00:04:42,069
That's disgusting. And while we suffer,
permission slip printing companies
83
00:04:42,070 --> 00:04:46,850
like... are raking in billions. Is there
nothing we can do to stop this madness?
84
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:50,389
That's where you come in. If the U .S.
passes legislation banning permission
85
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:54,629
slips nationwide, those billions would
go to us. So we blackmailed and bribed
86
00:04:54,630 --> 00:04:56,610
dozens of senators to win their vote.
87
00:04:56,950 --> 00:05:01,149
Senator Stacey Potts of North Dakota is
our only holdout. And we know exactly
88
00:05:01,150 --> 00:05:05,190
what to bribe her with. She wants to
spend one night with Zane Troy.
89
00:05:06,210 --> 00:05:07,260
Oh, damn.
90
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:12,019
Okay, but how should I do this? Just
walk up to Zane and say, Hey, buddy, I
91
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,779
you're happily married, but would you
mind sleeping with another woman for my
92
00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:15,900
financial gain? Yes.
93
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:19,039
Hey, buddy, I know you're happily
married, but would you mind sleeping
94
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,619
another woman for my financial gain?
Sure thing, mate. Oh, you're not worried
95
00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:23,559
about Gasolina?
96
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,399
Monogamy is a foreign concept to the
puff people. They consider it a form of
97
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:31,039
punishment. In fact, Gasolina is back in
puff land for the superplow, their
98
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:35,679
annual mass orgy. It's laughable to
think I could satiate one one -millionth
99
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:39,110
her sexual needs on a day. Anyway, who's
this bird you want me to shag?
100
00:05:39,111 --> 00:05:42,239
All right, we got to figure out how you
can win this race. If I can't be an
101
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,059
archie anymore, I don't know what I'll
do.
102
00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:45,620
Conduct a symphony orchestra?
103
00:05:45,740 --> 00:05:50,339
I don't own a baton, Saltine. I know the
numbers look bad right now, but I'm
104
00:05:50,340 --> 00:05:53,899
sure that once everyone hears my ideas
at the big debate, they'll vote for me.
105
00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:54,779
No.
106
00:05:54,780 --> 00:05:58,259
They won't. In the history of the
assistant -archy election, the more
107
00:05:58,260 --> 00:06:03,020
conventionally attractive person has won
every single time. Really?
108
00:06:03,260 --> 00:06:08,140
Herschel Hardbody beat Larry Littlefoot.
What? Stud Rockhard beat Dinky Doodad.
109
00:06:08,260 --> 00:06:13,579
No! Kylie Kisses beat Wedgie Dampcrack.
Oh, the North Haven Dampcrack? I'm
110
00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:14,559
afraid so.
111
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:20,619
In our wretched, superficial society,
Cleopatra being deemed mid is a campaign
112
00:06:20,620 --> 00:06:21,960
killer. Oh, no!
113
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:28,320
There may yet be hope. Whoa! I didn't
even know you were in the room.
114
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:32,339
Many years ago, while traveling through
India on a secret spy mission... Did we
115
00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:33,540
know she used to be a spy?
116
00:06:33,690 --> 00:06:37,889
I came across a Sanskrit riddle I was
unable to crack that supposedly leads to
117
00:06:37,890 --> 00:06:38,940
long -lost artifact.
118
00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:41,270
The sari of an untold hue.
119
00:06:41,510 --> 00:06:42,560
Good goggles.
120
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:47,189
It's a garment whose color is completely
unique, unlike any other on Earth. And
121
00:06:47,190 --> 00:06:51,310
it's so stunning that anyone who wears
it instantly looks like a ten.
122
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,309
A ten?
123
00:06:52,310 --> 00:06:56,349
That's one less than my girlfriend,
Cornelia. That garment is exactly what I
124
00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:59,989
need. Why the hell didn't you ever tell
me about this? I always planned on
125
00:06:59,990 --> 00:07:04,569
giving it to my daughter, but I just
found out I'm barren. So now I give it
126
00:07:04,570 --> 00:07:06,830
you. Thank you, Agatha. This is perfect.
127
00:07:07,090 --> 00:07:10,290
Come on, guys. Let's go to India and
find this sari. Right now?
128
00:07:10,291 --> 00:07:13,689
Well, I'd normally like to get a haircut
before a big trip, but I guess you're
129
00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:15,800
right. This is pretty urgent, so let's
go!
130
00:07:15,801 --> 00:07:20,409
Maybe we just check my salon, see if
they have availability this afternoon
131
00:07:20,410 --> 00:07:22,820
anyways. You know, see if Dante has any
openings.
132
00:07:22,990 --> 00:07:24,040
No? Just go?
133
00:07:24,070 --> 00:07:25,210
All right, let's do it!
134
00:07:25,211 --> 00:07:30,199
Thanks for meeting us, Jaya. We hear
you're the best translator slash
135
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,340
cryptographer in town.
136
00:07:31,620 --> 00:07:33,880
That's true. So what do you think of
this?
137
00:07:34,940 --> 00:07:37,280
This is fan art of Garfield the Cat.
138
00:07:37,281 --> 00:07:40,879
Whoops! Wrong paper! I meant to give you
this one. But also, let's circle back
139
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,919
later so you can tell me what you think
of my scarf. It's hard to get the straps
140
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,040
right. Let's see.
141
00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:51,820
If the sorry's what you seek, deep
within the cave you'll find... Wowie!
142
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,500
I mean, it's indecipherable.
143
00:07:55,800 --> 00:08:01,179
Bye! Dang, what a bust! Super, she was
obviously lying. I can't believe I gave
144
00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:02,580
her a tampon. After her!
145
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:08,160
Here we go. Another day, another
transactional sex act. Devoid of
146
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,600
Hello, Senator?
147
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,400
Zane? Join me on the veranda.
148
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,420
All right, let's get to shagging.
149
00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:19,530
The rush, Zane. Take in the view.
150
00:08:19,531 --> 00:08:22,549
You can see all of North Dakota up here
on the second floor.
151
00:08:22,550 --> 00:08:24,029
Can you see any of South Dakota?
152
00:08:24,030 --> 00:08:25,080
I pray not.
153
00:08:25,081 --> 00:08:28,389
Jolly good. Shall we get on with it?
Don't you want to know more about North
154
00:08:28,390 --> 00:08:33,009
Dakota? Our state bird is the western
meadowlark. Our median household income
155
00:08:33,010 --> 00:08:35,010
$61 ,285.
156
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:38,669
And our top export is the North Dakota
Wikipedia page.
157
00:08:38,670 --> 00:08:42,229
Sounds important enough. We don't need
to get to know one another. This is a
158
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:43,280
-night -only thing.
159
00:08:43,281 --> 00:08:44,489
I'm well aware.
160
00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:48,809
But your point is taken. So let's make
like Josh Duhamel's parents did and have
161
00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:52,850
sex in North Dakota. I don't get it. Is
he from here or something? He is, yes.
162
00:08:54,530 --> 00:08:57,710
Oh, damn.
163
00:09:02,370 --> 00:09:05,370
Wow. Now that was a rogering to
remember.
164
00:09:05,371 --> 00:09:06,429
I agree.
165
00:09:06,430 --> 00:09:08,950
You certainly enchanted my highway.
166
00:09:08,951 --> 00:09:11,019
Is that a North Dakota thing?
Definitely.
167
00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:12,319
Great, then it was worth saying.
168
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:13,940
Can I make you a small breakfast?
169
00:09:13,941 --> 00:09:16,659
Beans, black pudding, a whole big weird
grilled tomato?
170
00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:18,340
No time. Not to sound all Mr.
171
00:09:18,580 --> 00:09:20,570
Smith, but I do have to go to
Washington.
172
00:09:20,571 --> 00:09:22,439
When can I see you again? Oh, Zane.
173
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:26,059
Last night was everything I hoped it
would be. But I'm getting married this
174
00:09:26,060 --> 00:09:28,100
weekend. This is just the last hurrah.
175
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,140
This is odd.
176
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:32,690
My throat.
177
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,540
It's... below.
178
00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:36,470
Look!
179
00:09:36,740 --> 00:09:38,120
It's Buddy Brown!
180
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:46,820
We've been here all night. When is Jaya
going to come out of there? The answer?
181
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,480
Now! Never!
182
00:09:48,860 --> 00:09:49,910
Hey! No!
183
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:55,459
Open it, Rip! Just think. We're about to
see a color that has never before been
184
00:09:55,460 --> 00:09:57,420
seen on the planet Earth.
185
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,820
Oh, my God. It's beautiful.
186
00:10:01,340 --> 00:10:04,120
This color, it's impossible to describe.
187
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:08,900
Really? It just looks yellow to me. Uh,
you think this looks yellow?
188
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,250
You're crazy.
189
00:10:10,251 --> 00:10:14,179
I can't find the words to describe this
color, but it is definitely not yellow.
190
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:16,919
I guess it's just one of those things
where for some people it looks yellow,
191
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,179
for everyone else it looks like the most
beautiful, spectacular new color you've
192
00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:21,680
ever seen. One of those things?
193
00:10:21,860 --> 00:10:24,570
Is that a thing? That's a thing? I've
never heard of it.
194
00:10:25,380 --> 00:10:26,430
Sorry,
195
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,110
not sorry.
196
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:29,500
Damn it, a pun and run.
197
00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:30,750
I know.
198
00:10:44,860 --> 00:10:48,340
Don't even think it, Rip. He's that
flanking at.
199
00:11:46,611 --> 00:11:48,519
Hurry, stop.
200
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:49,159
Oh, no.
201
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,319
Do you think she's okay?
202
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:51,370
I'll be honest.
203
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:53,470
I do not.
204
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,130
Did that help?
205
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,090
My honesty?
206
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,900
Hurry up and put on the sari, Saltine.
We don't have all day.
207
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,250
Okay, one second.
208
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,920
Everyone, stop horning out for me so
hard.
209
00:12:15,921 --> 00:12:22,279
Man, that's crazy how much it works.
Anyways, let's hit the campaign trail.
210
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:26,040
Some people think that if you steal
something, you should go to jail.
211
00:12:26,041 --> 00:12:29,339
So I guess that means they think Chris
Tucker should go to jail for stealing
212
00:12:29,340 --> 00:12:31,979
every scene he's in in The Fifth
Element. Hey, everyone.
213
00:12:31,980 --> 00:12:34,240
Who wants to hear my policy proposal?
214
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,530
Wow.
215
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,260
Can I have a button? Of course.
216
00:12:38,740 --> 00:12:40,940
Oh, see ya die.
217
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:47,000
My God, she went from naughty to hottie.
Yeah, that's right, Crunch.
218
00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:48,500
You're fucking on.
219
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,420
Will you kiss my baby?
220
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:56,810
Crunch.
221
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:04,340
It's okay. It's just a short, cute, bald
man dressed as a hot baby.
222
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:05,740
I'm a consenting adult.
223
00:13:12,650 --> 00:13:16,529
Hours to go before the assistant -archy
debate. The latest polls show that
224
00:13:16,530 --> 00:13:19,030
Saltine has pulled ahead of Carl Crunch.
225
00:13:19,290 --> 00:13:23,430
And after the break, we'll discuss which
commercials we liked best.
226
00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:25,770
And voila.
227
00:13:25,771 --> 00:13:29,769
Oh, hey, Vernon. What's up? I was just
practicing my French. I just got off the
228
00:13:29,770 --> 00:13:33,329
phone with Senator Potts. Zane has been
calling her, sending her flowers, and
229
00:13:33,330 --> 00:13:35,050
pitching woo of all kinds.
230
00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:38,630
Zane, you have to leave. I'm engaged to
someone else.
231
00:13:38,830 --> 00:13:40,570
But does he dance for you like this?
232
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,540
Yes, all the time. Rats. Oh, dear. I
didn't realize he caught feelings.
233
00:13:44,541 --> 00:13:48,499
Well, caught them he did. And Senator
Potts has threatened to vote against the
234
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:52,230
permission slip ban tonight if Zane
doesn't knock it off. I'll take care of
235
00:13:52,260 --> 00:13:55,060
You better. Or else I'll be so sad.
236
00:13:55,061 --> 00:13:59,939
Zane, what are you doing? Well, Senator
Potts is getting married tomorrow, so
237
00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:02,919
I'm going to surprise her at work today
and tell her to call it off. I don't
238
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,839
want to have to do this, but the senator
isn't going to vote for the permission
239
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:09,060
slip ban if you keep this up. So knock
it off or you're fired.
240
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,410
Fired?
241
00:14:13,090 --> 00:14:16,220
Well, I'm going to follow my heart. You
can do what you want to me.
242
00:14:16,221 --> 00:14:20,469
What do you want to get up to tonight?
You want to have like an unstructured
243
00:14:20,470 --> 00:14:22,940
hang, just you and me? Buddy bot, shut
the fuck up.
244
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:28,229
Zane, wait up. Quail? There's just one
more thing I wanted to say to you. My
245
00:14:28,230 --> 00:14:29,280
or yours?
246
00:14:29,530 --> 00:14:30,580
You mean it? Yes.
247
00:14:30,930 --> 00:14:32,530
Now, answer my car question.
248
00:14:33,850 --> 00:14:38,069
Welcome to Permissiotron Arena for the
final debate between Carl Crunch and
249
00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:39,120
Saltine.
250
00:14:40,970 --> 00:14:42,570
I thought I'd find you here.
251
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:44,630
Jaya, you're alive.
252
00:14:45,070 --> 00:14:51,009
Oh, are you here to kill me? No, even
worse, to shame you. I want you to know
253
00:14:51,010 --> 00:14:56,069
was trying to take the Thari because it
belongs to my family. It was stolen by
254
00:14:56,070 --> 00:14:59,670
looties decades ago, and we've been
searching for it ever since.
255
00:14:59,870 --> 00:15:01,390
And I just took it from you?
256
00:15:01,391 --> 00:15:03,009
Oh, no.
257
00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:06,620
If I wear a stolen artifact in the
debate, I'm no better than Carl Crunch.
258
00:15:06,670 --> 00:15:09,860
That's true. But if I don't wear it,
he'll destroy me. What do I do?
259
00:15:10,990 --> 00:15:12,040
Thank you.
260
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:14,920
Senator, wait. What are you doing here,
Zane?
261
00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:20,839
Just like North Dakota is the United
States' largest producer of barley, I am
262
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,640
the largest producer of love for you.
263
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,300
Oh, Zane, you had me at North Dakota.
264
00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:26,790
What?
265
00:15:26,791 --> 00:15:30,579
Yeah, sorry about that. She's a
hologram. Once you said you were going
266
00:15:30,580 --> 00:15:32,810
here, even if I fired you, I had to
think fast.
267
00:15:33,020 --> 00:15:35,550
I couldn't risk you ruining the vote.
Extra, extra.
268
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:40,019
Senate passes bill to ban permission
slips. Senator Potts is now on her way
269
00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:41,339
the wedding of the century.
270
00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:46,359
Great. worked out perfectly for me that
is yeah yeah excuse me i'm gonna go and
271
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,499
cry enough tears to fill up lake sakaka
with the largest man -made lake in north
272
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:53,760
dakota oh man he's down bad
273
00:15:56,380 --> 00:16:00,499
Carla's gonna mop the floor with
Saltine. Well, that's a lucky floor,
274
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:04,299
Saltine would make a wonderful mop. The
candidates are taking the stage, and oh
275
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,560
my gosh, Saltine is mid again.
276
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,700
I repeat, Saltine is mid. Oh, no!
277
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:12,220
She looks like a damn Cleopatra again.
278
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,420
I may have chosen poorly here.
279
00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:18,450
Hello, unemployment office? Do you have
any openings? You don't? Damn it!
280
00:16:19,740 --> 00:16:22,810
Welcome to the Assistant Archie Union
presidential debate.
281
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,660
Our first question is for Saltine.
282
00:16:35,169 --> 00:16:39,530
It was in the trailer.
283
00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:43,149
Saltine, in the unlikely event that you
are elected, what would be your first
284
00:16:43,150 --> 00:16:44,169
action in office?
285
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,220
Um...
286
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:49,829
Breaking news. As a result of the recent
permission slip ban, major permission
287
00:16:49,830 --> 00:16:54,010
slip printing manufacturers like
Permissiatron have already declared
288
00:16:54,150 --> 00:16:55,650
And now back to the debate.
289
00:16:55,910 --> 00:17:00,009
It doesn't matter what I'm wearing. What
matters are my ideas. I can do this. My
290
00:17:00,010 --> 00:17:01,850
fellow assistant Archie.
291
00:17:02,710 --> 00:17:05,069
Son of a fucknut. What the hell's going
on?
292
00:17:05,070 --> 00:17:08,429
Huh? Sorry, folks. Had to cut the power
because the owners of the arena
293
00:17:08,430 --> 00:17:10,469
Permissiatron just went out of business.
294
00:17:10,470 --> 00:17:12,580
My family will pray tonight for a
bailout.
295
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:13,849
Ah! Fleeting?
296
00:17:16,859 --> 00:17:18,240
Sleepy? You're a genius!
297
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,959
Hello, my name is Saltine. A lot of you
haven't listened to what I have to say
298
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:27,059
because I look like Cleopatra. But now
that you can't see me, maybe you can
299
00:17:27,060 --> 00:17:30,060
finally hear me. So here is what I
believe.
300
00:17:30,061 --> 00:17:33,379
First of all, I think that Archies
shouldn't steal artifacts.
301
00:17:33,380 --> 00:17:36,940
Our job is to help reunite people with
their past, not... Take it from them.
302
00:17:36,941 --> 00:17:40,659
She's got a good point. Her actual ideas
are winning them over in the dark. Turn
303
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:44,030
the power back on. And break the
electrician's code? Are you crazy?
304
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:48,660
I'm not letting you turn the lights back
on.
305
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,620
The people need to hear something!
306
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,000
My occipital lobe!
307
00:17:56,940 --> 00:18:03,479
And finally, people have been trying to
insult me by saying I look like
308
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,659
Cleopatra, but I'm not. I'm not ashamed
of looking like Cleopatra, because even
309
00:18:06,660 --> 00:18:10,060
though she was mid, her ideas were hubba
hubba hot.
310
00:18:10,061 --> 00:18:13,419
Now that I can't see what the candidates
look like, it's clear Saltini's ideas
311
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:14,720
are way better. I agree.
312
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:19,420
Saltini, Saltini, Saltini. I got you.
You're forgetting one thing.
313
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,600
I only wear tearaway clothes.
314
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:22,559
Oh, man.
315
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,519
Your butt.
316
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,260
It's a cube shape.
317
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:29,660
And it always has been, round ass.
318
00:18:29,661 --> 00:18:31,359
Is that considered better, though?
319
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,410
I'm smoking.
320
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,610
Saltine! Saltine!
321
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,020
Saltine! Oh, right.
322
00:18:37,021 --> 00:18:41,199
She looking like Cleopatra. Carl Crunch,
it's time for your closing statement.
323
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:46,020
I have an announcement. I now believe in
everything Saltine believes in!
324
00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:50,639
Saltine, your stirring words utterly
moved me. Shall we run together on the
325
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,799
ticket as co -president? I promise to
let you do all the work. And I promise
326
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,899
let you let me. Because I don't trust
you to do it right. And I care enough
327
00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,310
about the greater good to take on the
manual and...
328
00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:14,979
The crowd is begging me to crunch a
saltine in my mouth. I always knew this
329
00:19:14,980 --> 00:19:15,739
would come.
330
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:19,300
Time for Barry Zimnov to give the people
what they want.
331
00:19:22,191 --> 00:19:29,139
Something smells like shit. It's this
gross corpse with crackers all in his
332
00:19:29,140 --> 00:19:30,820
mouth. Let's burn it. Burn it. Burn it.
333
00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:35,980
I have been waiting my whole life to see
a mob burn an evacuated corpse.
334
00:19:36,180 --> 00:19:37,960
And now I may pass on.
335
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,799
So, if neither of them lost, I guess we
both get to keep Ian Arkey's. I guess
336
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,820
so. Truce. Ugh, fine.
337
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:48,100
Game. See you later.
338
00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:51,520
Round butt. How is that worse than a
cube?
339
00:19:53,221 --> 00:19:55,309
Hey, buddy.
340
00:19:55,310 --> 00:19:59,350
Sorry for tricking you. No, no, I get
it. The permission slip ban was
341
00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:04,209
Well, you know, the bill passed, and the
senator doesn't get married for a few
342
00:20:04,210 --> 00:20:05,260
more hours.
343
00:20:05,690 --> 00:20:07,190
What are you getting at, mate?
344
00:20:48,141 --> 00:20:54,329
I think we just got caught up in the
moment. Same, same. Want me to drop you
345
00:20:54,330 --> 00:20:57,059
at the Greyhound station? No, thanks.
I'll just hop out of this moving
346
00:20:57,060 --> 00:21:01,610
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
30349
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof