Original subtitles

(alarm buzzing)

(siren wailing) (alarm buzzing)

(heartbeat thumps)

(birds squawking)

- [Jonathan] I was only in my 20s,

the first time I saw a dead body.

You never forget that, really.

Until the moment of your last breath,

it sticks with you until the very end.

It did, for me.

For generations, US children have played

with little plastic green army men.

(chuckles) I did.

Along with other war toys, they contribute

to the socialization of some young boys

into the idea that war is an exciting and heroic adventure.

I know now that has never been more wrong.

(engine revs)

(muffled rock music)

(upbeat rock music)

- Oh!

Yeah.

(upbeat rock music continues)

- So, I go to this girl's party,

and it's about a week after she just beats

the living shit outta my friend, right?

And I do a little recon.

While everyone's getting trashed, I find this back window.

"Mission Impossible" myself in there. (chuckles)

And I did my thing.

- Dude.

Shut up.

- Stop. I'm, I'm, I'm serious, man!

I'm telling you!

I went around and I put tuna in every single curtain rod.

For weeks, they're trying to figure out why this place

smells like festering death, right?

I mean, just, just god awful rotten.

She starts going to the pussy doctor.

Yeah!

She thinks she's festerin' up the place.

A little fire in the hole.

Boom! (laughs)

- Dude, you are sick.

You know that, right?

- Sick who?

They wronged me. That's just the way it goes, man.

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

- How did you talk me into this?

- Beats the hell outta me.

- Fucking hot as shit!

(AC unit rattles)

Come on, you piece of shit.

Shit.

- Come on!

You're glad you came!

- Yeah. No.

- Oh, well, you weren't complaining too much,

when you were in line for the El Buffet, last night.

(Speedy sniffs sharply) (women giggling)

- Yee-hah!

- [Woman] Get it, baby! (giggles)

Yeah!

Oh!

- Dude, that was you.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

- Huh.

No, but in all seriousness,

it was good to see you smile for once, man.

You worry too damn much.

- I can't help it.

- Hah-hah!

Yes, we can.

- Yeah, I'm sure.

- Especially if you got a nice 11-inch cock.

- Dude. - Oh, I'm serious, man.

- Uh-huh. - I'm serious.

- Dude, what are you fucking doing, man?

- [Speedy] Truck needs a little car wash, baby!

- Man, come on! Dude, come on!

- [Speedy] Woo!

- I told you, not in the truck!

- [Speedy] Little car wash for daddy!

(urine splashes) - Oh!

- [Speedy] Woo!

Come on, man!

You get an anxiety attack if we leave the zip code.

I mean, that's not normal behavior. No fucking way!

Yeah! (urine splashes)

- "Normal". Right!

- You're welcome.

- Dude, we were in Mexico.

- Precisely.

(Speedy sighs)

- It was kinda nice.

- Boom!

This is what I'm talkin' about!

That's what I'm talking about, man!

Come on! Loosen up!

Life's too short.

Relax.

- Just relax.

- Yeah.

- I can do that.

- [Speedy] Boo!

- Dude, what?

- Come on, man. Who do you think you're talkin' to?

- I can totally relax!

- All right.

Tell me a joke. Go ahead.

Come on. Make me laugh.

R-E-L-A-

- Dude, what the fuck, man? I'm fucking driving!

You trying to get us killed? - (chuckles) Oh, my god.

Where did you get your license?

Oh, man. Wake me up when we get there.

You drive slower than my grandmother.

(Speedy snores)

- Dude, I'm about to kick your greasy ass out of this car

and make you walk, how's that for relaxed?

- Well, why don't you drop me off at your mom's on the way?

- You wish.

- Mm.

That I do.

That I do.

(can clatters)

- Any more cold ones?

- That's doubtful.

But I can check.

- [Radio Host] Among men too on issues like the war itself.

- Hold on. (cans rattling)

Can't reach 'em.

- Did you leave 'em?

- Huh? I, I don't think so.

- [Radio Host] And volunteer in your regular army.

(suspenseful music)

- [Soldier] I did volunteer to come into the service.

- [Radio Host] Tell me this, Jobs.

We've lost something over 40,000 men now.

40,000 American lives.

As far you're concerned, it's worth it?

(Speedy giggling) (suspenseful music continues)

- You fuckin' drank 'em, didn't you?

- Watch out!

(tires screeching) (suspenseful music continues)

- [Jonathan] Dude! What the fuck?

What did we hit? What, what?

(Speedy laughs)

- [Speedy] I'm fuckin' with you, man!

(engine struggling to turn over)

- Come on, come on!

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

You got it. You got it.

You got it. Come on.

Shit!

(Jonathan sighs)

- You tried that about a hundred times, dude.

(Jonathan pants)

- Dude, it's getting cold. You got a sweater?

- Yeah, in the bag.

(bag unzips) (cans rattling)

- [Jonathan] Speedy, what is this?

- That is pot.

- Okay, Speedy, I need you to tell me,

I need you to explain to me

that we didn't go all the way to Mexico for you to buy pot.

(bobblehead rattling)

- We went all the way to Mexico to buy pot.

- Fuck!

- What? (Jonathan sighs)

- Speedy, I need you to roll down the window

and throw that shit out of this car, right now.

(suspenseful music)

(bobblehead rattling)

(siren buzzes and chirps)

(car door clicks open)

- Shit. - Shit.

(car doors slamming)

- I'm stuck, man! - Well, figure it out!

- Yeah, I'm trying!

- [Jonathan] Okay! Okay.

(suspenseful music continues)

Dude, fuck! - Okay, uh...

That's good. I got it.

- Okay! Just, just...

You got it? - I got it.

Flask.

(suspenseful music continues)

- Hello, Officer.

How can I help you?

- [Officer] What you boys doing out here?

- Uh, well, we were on a trip and our car broke down.

We were just trying to get back home. That's all.

(suspenseful music continues)

- You all right there?

(keys clinking)

I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle, sir.

- Officer...

Like I said, we're just trying to get home.

- [Officer] I need to inspect this vehicle, right now.

So, I need the two of you to get outside.

Put your hands on the hood.

- This isn't fucking happening.

- [Officer] Put your hands on the hood.

- We're just... (sighs)

- [Officer] That's you too, passenger.

- Officer, uh...

- I'm not askin'!

Step out of the vehicle!

Let's go!

Get outta the vehicle! (guns cocking)

- No! (gun fires)

(high-pitched tone rings) (bobblehead rattles)

(brooding music)

(brooding music continues)

(brooding music continues)

(door creaks)

- [Judge] I'm saddened to see such potential as yourself

drift into a darker place.

You've clearly forgotten what is right, young man,

and I hope this may set you in that path.

Your actions were a disgrace.

That is true.

(baton clanging)

- [Guard] You have a visitor.

- [Judge] However, with your clean record

and no prior history, I am giving you a choice.

To go to prison, or to serve in the Vietnam War.

These proceedings can continue,

when you've made that decision.

(eerie music)

(baton clanging)

- [Guard] You have a visitor.

- [Jonathan] My name is Jonathan Teller,

and I am a haunted man.

I guess this is a good place to start as any.

If I go back any further, you'd despise me.

But don't give up on me just yet.

(buzzer buzzes)

(phone clacks)

(buzzer buzzes)

(buzzer buzzes)

(phone clacks)

(Jonathan breathes deeply)

- Hi, Jonathan.

Look at me.

(Jonathan breathes deeply)

Jonathan, look at me.

Jonathan, look at me, please.

And after everything that you put me-

- What do you want me to say?

(girlfriend sighs) (somber music)

- Jesus Christ, Jonathan.

Did you really think that I wouldn't find out?

That what?

That I was just gonna come here one day,

and not notice that you weren't here?

And that you went off to fight some stupid, unimaginable,

not to mention unwinnable war,

clear across the other side of the world, right?

Is it true?

- It was that,

or rot in here for the rest of my life.

What do you want me to do?

Hey.

I'm here.

I always will be.

- Always thinking of yourself.

- [Guard] Hands off the glass!

- I just want you to know, you know...

(somber music continues)

Sorry.

(phone thudding rapidly)

(somber music continues)

- [Jonathan] It's hard to describe how I felt in those days.

It was as if I'd walked through a minefield blindfolded.

Somehow ending up a hole,

in the middle of a concrete jungle.

Completely unaware that I was crawling

further away from myself.

- Yeah, we got a lot of vets here, of course, you know.

Uh, you're one of our first Vietnam.

Now, you gotta be a little careful in the neighborhood.

It's not bad, but it's not good.

But I'm sure you know how to look after yourself.

You know, just keep your eyes open.

But I think you're gonna like it here.

(door creaks)

Well...

This is you.

(distant siren wailing) (distant baby crying)

- [Jonathan] What are my odds?

- Excuse me?

- Of getting murdered in here.

- [Neighbor] You hear me, motherfucker?

Suck my...

(muffled thumping and smashing)

(landlady laughs)

(landlady laughs)

- Oh, right. Well... (sighs)

The walls are thin, so try and keep it down.

(keys clinking)

- Thank you.

- Good day.

(distant siren wailing)

(Jonathan sighs)

(somber music)

(door thuds)

(bag thumps)

(body thumps on sofa) (dirt crashes)

- [Jonathan] I had lost my way.

But soon, I would find it in the most unusual of places.

I just didn't know it yet.

(warm soft rock music)

♪ In the quiet of morning ♪

♪ When the world is still asleep ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ I'm sitting here all alone ♪

♪ With the thoughts you keep ♪

♪ Think about the road I traveled ♪

♪ All the miles that I've gave ♪

(crickets chirping) (eerie music)

(register buttons clicking)

(register bell dings)

(handle clicking)

(muffled gentle muzak) (eerie music continues)

(PA system chimes)

- [Announcer] Attention, all shoppers.

(muffled announcement)

- What do you think you're doing?

Huh?

Canned goods and bread and flour

don't get stocked next to cereal!

I can't have this liability. (dark rumbling tones)

Don't make me ask you twice.

(muffled chattering) (dark music continues)

Do you understand?

- Yes, sir.

(cans rattling)

(cans clattering)

(crickets chirping) (eerie music)

- [Jonathan] Despite the facade of normalcy

that I tried to maintain, I had the strangest feeling

that something was closing in on me.

Something

that came home with me.

(eerie music continues)

(cans clacking)

(can thuds)

(cans clacking) (eerie music continues)

(can rolling)

(can thuds)

(eerie music continues)

(eerie music intensifies)

(intense dramatic music) (distorted radio chatter)

- I'm okay!

All right, we've been hit!

(guns firing rapidly) (distorted radio chatter)

Oh, god!

Charlie 3125, we are under fire!

We are going down! - I'm losing my controls!

- Come on!

Come on! - We're going down!

We're going down!

(lever thuds)

(guns firing rapidly) (bullets clanging rapidly)

- No!

(guns firing rapidly) (bullets clanging rapidly)

(sparks crackling) (intense music continues)

(alarm buzzing) (dark music)

- [Jonathan] As the days faded into the next,

I felt trapped.

Like a prisoner,

caged by the bars of their own mind.

- [Guard] You have a visitor.

(alarm buzzing) (dark music continues)

(indistinct distorted chattering from phone)

- [Caller 1] Look after yourself.

(indistinct distorted chattering from phone)

- [Caller 2] I think you're gonna like it here.

(indistinct distorted chattering from phone)

(phone drones)

(door thuds)

- [Jonathan] I feared my wall of sanity

was beginning to fall.

And just when I thought the dust settled,

and the echoes of screaming gunfire faded,

my true nightmare was only beginning.

- [Speedy] Relax.

- Why are you doing this to me?

(intense eerie music)

- Relax, man.

- No!

(Speedy groans)

- A year had passed. (lighter flicks)

And although I was free,

the blinders that were permanently latched to my eyes

kept me buried within those walls.

(muffled sexual moaning from neighbors)

(Jonathan exhales deeply)

(intense eerie music)

(faint peaceful muzak)

(glass bottles rattling)

(cage clangs)

(refrigerator doom squeaks)

(glass bottle clinks)

(glass bottle clinks)

(glass bottle clinks)

(cart rattling) (eerie music)

(PA system chimes)

- [Boss] Clean up on aisle four.

Large spill.

That's aisle four.

Clean up.

(PA system crackles and screeches)

Don't make me ask you twice, people, or it's your ass.

Come on now. Chop, chop.

(PA system screeches)

(eerie music continues)

(bucket clacks)

(water splashes)

(Jonathan whistling cheerfully)

(eerie music)

(eerie music continues)

(eerie music intensifies and swells)

(intense eerie music)

(train rattling and rumbling)

- [Jonathan] That's when I found myself

in the last place I ever expected.

But looking back,

the one place I needed to be the most.

- Hi.

I'm Jonathan and I'm a Vietnam veteran.

- Hey.

- Welcome Jon. - Welcome, brother.

- Welcome, Jonathan. Welcome to the family, brother.

- All right.

(Abbot chuckles)

- Anyone wanna start us off today with a share?

- Not me. - Uh...

I'll go. (somber music)

Hey, guys. Happy to, happy to be here.

You know me. No stranger here.

I just wanted to say it's been a while since my last

quote-unquote outburst.

Pretty proud of myself. I feel like I'm making strides.

Went on a camping trip with some veteran buddies, recently.

It felt like it's what I needed to unwind, to get away.

(ominous music)

And that evening, I came home and the closet was empty,

the car was gone,

and I haven't seen my wife and kid in a year and a half.

- You've come to the right place.

Keep coming back.

(hand slaps)

- Keep coming back!

Keep coming back.

Keep coming back.

- Now, Tommy...

34 suicide attempts...

(group leader drowned out by ominous music)

(Jonathan gasps)

Tommy.

34 suicide attempts is considered a red alert.

Okay?

- Yeah, 'cause he ain't doing it right.

(members laughing)

- Mr. Abbot. - God damn it, Abbot!

if you don't shut the fuck up,

I'm gonna break my foot off in your god damn ass, boy!

I'm telling you, every god damn week, you come in with-

- Gentlemen.

- Get the fuck outta here. - I expect more from you.

- Mr. Abbot! - Come on, bitch!

Come on, Sanders! Bring it on!

- Mr. Abbot! - You wanna go, motherfucker?

(members laughing) - Gentlemen, enough.

Please. Jim?

Please ignore him. You know he likes to get people-

- What you gonna do, Sanders?

Talking shit, motherfucker!

Come on!

- [Group Leader] Stop it!

Mr. Abbot, you are causing a ruckus here.

- Who are you calling boy, boy?

Who are you calling boy, boy?

- Gentlemen, I... (hand slapping)

Just sit down!

Sit down. Gentlemen.

- Shut up, bitch! - Jim!

Jim!

(hands slapping) (somber music)

- [Jonathan] It wasn't long before I went back,

but the unspeakable horrors we witnessed

offered its own kind of trauma.

I saw it on their faces, every time.

(PA system chimes)

- [Boss] Clean up. Come on now, chop chop.

(somber music continues)

- [Jonathan] The war claimed the lives

of more than 58,000 of us.

For the ones that came back,

there were no welcome home parades,

no nurses to kiss upon return.

(glass bottle clinks)

We were not heroes.

And we were discarded for it.

No matter how hard we tried,

we could never escape what we did over there.

That was our curse.

(bell ringing)

(crickets chirping)

(dark music)

(Jonathan whistling cheerfully)

(glass bottles rattling)

(door squeaking)

(glass bottles rattling) (dark music continues)

(door squeaking)

(door slams)

(birds chirping) (dark music continues)

(insects buzzing)

(wings flapping)

(warm ethereal music)

(snake hissing)

(eerie music)

(eerie music intensifies)

(flames roaring and crackling)

(girlfriend screams)

(Jonathan screams)

(faint gentle muzak)

(dark music)

On the morning of that day, I found myself drifting

somewhere between the depths of my purgatory,

and what I imagined hell would look like.

I dreamed of ending it all, for an accident.

A head-on collision.

To make friends with a bullet in a chamber.

God, how I would thank the maker.

It was only a matter of time now.

(dark music continues)

(distant siren wails)

(ball thuds)

(dark music continues)

(ball thumps) (ominous music)

(building rumbling)

(Jonathan pants)

(building rumbling)

(Jonathan pants) (ominous music intensifies)

I ran to the only place I could.

September 7th, 1970.

- That anger and give it-

- [Jonathan] A date I will never forget.

- Let him carry your burden!

- [Jonathan] The night of my last meeting.

- You must be outta your god damn mind. You think I'm...

Fuck you! - Fuck you!

- Fuck you!

You think I'm touching some kinda faggot?

- Oh, all right. Oh.

- They made me kill babies, but I ain't doing that.

They fuckin' made me! They made me!

- Christ sake, if you don't like it, then get the fuck out!

- Go fuck your mother, you philistine!

- La, la, la, la, language!

- All right! All right, all right, let's...

Let's recenter.

Recenter.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, calm.

Calm.

Let him take your burden.

Let him take your burden.

Look into your brother's eyes. Let him feel your pain.

He knows your pain. Let it out, gentlemen.

Let him take your burden from you.

Embrace your brothers.

Let go of that pain.

Let go of that pain.

Let him take your burden.

Let him hold it away.

Let, oh! (gasps)

Good.

Good. Gentle!

Gentle now. Gentle now.

Let it out. Let it out.

- Is this what you imagined hell would be like?

- [Group Leader] Okay, let go.

- I've already been there, brother.

(Abbot laughs)

- [Group Leader] And breathe.

(Abbot sniffs)

- You know, you smell like somethin'

rottin' around you, brother.

And when you've been a tunnel rat for as long as I have,

livin' in the dark, you tend to trust your other senses.

- What're you talking about?

- I'm sayin' that you got a passenger

on your shoulders, brother.

Death!

- Fuck off! - You reek of it!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

It's okay. It's okay.

Shh. - Just let it go.

- Shh. - Let him take that-

- What did you do?

Come on, did you touch the devil or did he touch you?

(Abbot laughs)

- How the fuck would you know what I did?

- Oh, brother, you went down the mouth of madness,

and now you're looking for penance, aren't you?

- You're wrong.

- Oh, am I?

Yeah. (eerie music)

Sure I am.

I don't wanna see your face here ever again.

You hear me?

- What're you talking about?

- I'm sayin' that these are my people.

My camp.

Mine.

You go find your own. You understand?

- Man, you're fuckin' crazy. - Yeah.

According to my last psych evaluation, yes.

Did you know that there are several ways to make napalm?

All you need is a little OJ and gasoline.

- Can you just stop? Just fuckin' stop.

Listen to me.

This is my group.

I have nowhere else to go.

- Well, then you better understand somethin', brother.

(eerie music continues)

The ghosts of the people we kill

will haunt us for the rest of our lives.

Believe me. I know. (chuckles)

(Jonathan sobs)

I know. I know.

I know. Yeah.

- [Jonathan] What do I do?

- [Group Leader] Take him as an example of courage.

- Oh, brother, this is all one big bucket of piss

that we're drownin' in.

Do yourself a favor.

(Abbot clicks his tongue)

Make it quick.

That's what you do.

That's it.

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Make it quick, baby. Yeah, make it quick.

- No. - No, yeah.

Make it quick, you gotta make it-

- [Jonathan] No! No!

- We ain't never getting right

with the wrongs we done, brother!

We ain't never getting right for nothin'!

You hear me? Nothin'!

- Oh, oh, oh! (ominous music)

- I control my life and what I do!

I do! I do!

I do! I do!

'Cause I'm a baby killer!

- No, Mr. Abbot! No!

(gun fires) (group leader screams)

(body thumps) - Oh, my god!

Fuck! - Somebody call an ambulance!

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Somebody!

(group leader screams)

- [TV Announcer] The time is 5:30.

- David Brinkley is on vacation. I'm Chad Huntley.

for an hour and a half today,

the normally placid university and capital city of Austin,

Texas was held in the grip of a terror,

which began in killing and ended in killing.

A maddened former Marine, a 24-year-old student

in the architectural school named Charles Whitman

first killed his wife and mother in their home.

Then he fled to the top of the university tower,

a 27-story building, and from there, shot to death

at least 13 other people and wounded at least 31.

The carnage did not end until police ended Whitman's life

with several bullets.

Here is a report from Neil Speltz of KTBC TV Austin.

- [Neil] A marine veteran who was an expert marksman

shot and killed 10 unsuspecting noontime strollers

on the University of Texas campus today.

And then he was cut down, an hour and a half later,

by an Austin policeman.

When the shooting ended, 30 others were seriously injured.

And then the bodies of the alleged sniper's mother and wife

were found in his apartment, both dead.

The tally at this hour is 13 dead, 30 wounded,

and that figure includes the death of the man

police say he did the shooting.

A sniper identified his 24-year-old Charles J. Whitman

started shooting from the observation deck

of the 27-story-tall university tower.

He fell moving targets blocks away.

The terror-filled 90 minutes started

at five minutes before 12 Austin time,

and it was 1:22 when policeman Ramiro Martinez shot Whitney.

Those who were felled with bullets

from the high caliber rifle were pulled to safety,

as soon as possible by officials and passers-by.

Others crouched in terror.

Heavily-armed Austin Police, sheriff's deputies,

highway patrolmen and Texas Rangers,

converged on the campus

and began returning the sniper's fire.

But he was well entrenched,

and he had a fantastic vantage point of the entire area.

- I'm not paying you two ladies to watch TV.

- [Neil] Reporter Charles Ward was on the scene,

as the gun...

- Chop chop. Get to work!

(eerie music)

(refrigerator door squeaking) (birds chirping)

(birds chirping) (eerie music continues)

(Jonathan pants)

(intense eerie music)

(faint gentle muzak) (eerie music continues)

- [Jonathan] Sir! Yes, sir!

- Holy fuckin' heaven!

(glass shatters) (intense eerie music)

- Kill!

Or be killed!

Kill or be killed!

Kill or be killed!

Kill or be killed!

Kill!

(dark music)

- [Jonathan] Someone once said hell is an illusion.

(door slams)

But the first real casualty of war is the soul.

(door creaks)

I woke up, months later, barely holding on.

My grip on reality faltering in a sterile fortress

of white walls and unending corridors.

(buzzer buzzes)

I was surrounded by others whose minds

had also betrayed them.

And I couldn't help but wonder if, if I would ever find

a way to piece myself back together again,

or if I was destined to be a lost toy soldier.

Never remembered.

As if I never existed in the first place.

But...

She wouldn't let that happen.

(water splashes) (dark music continues)

(child giggles)

(suspenseful music)

(wheel squeaks)

(suspenseful music continues)

(suspenseful music continues)

(grenade pin clinks)

(Jonathan screams)

(explosion roars) (intense eerie music)

(Jonathan screams)

- I'm not supposed to be here!

Get off! Get off of me!

(Jonathan screams)

(intense eerie music continues)

(door slams) No!

(cart rattling) (dark music)

(patient mumbling to himself)

(rodents squeaking)

(footsteps clacking) (dark music continues)

(pen scribbles)

(footsteps clacking)

(pen scribbles)

(door clicks open)

(door slams)

(lock clacks)

(buzzer buzzes)

(door slams)

(muffled mumbling) (dark music continues)

- [Patient 1] We gonna have ourselves a pool party tonight!

- [Patient 2] Watch your six.

- [Patient 3] Watch out.

(intense eerie music) (fire crackling)

(toy soldier clacks)

(distant guard whistling cheerfully)

- God, Abbot.

Don't you sleep?

- God doesn't have anything to do with this shit hole.

But you can call me Jesus Christ.

(Abbot laughs)

And believe me, I would staple my eyes shut

to sleep for one god damn minute,

but then the demons come.

(eerie music)

Leave him.

Let him lay where he fell.

Give him the common decency to die

on the patch of fucking concrete that chose him.

That's the least you could do.

Death gives you perspective, doesn't it?

- We're not dying, man.

(Abbot giggles)

- Oh, that's where you're wrong, brother.

We're already dead.

You know, it's funny how people find it odd.

They're always so confused about life

and how the hell things didn't go as planned.

And that's 'cause they're all in a coma.

(toy soldier clacks)

Gone.

(Jonathan whimpers)

And it's not supposed to make sense.

And if you learn that, I mean truly embrace that,

you'll live a better life.

- It happened again.

- Where were you this time?

(eerie music)

(plane engines roaring)

(guns firing rapidly)

(flames roaring)

(fist thuds) (toy soldiers clattering)

Where were you this time?

- Fuck you.

- That dark is all we have left.

You better get used to that, brother.

- No. I'll never get used to it!

- Oh, no. One day you will learn to embrace it.

Teller, her we have to.

We don't have any other fucking chance, man. We're gone!

All the wisest do not let themselves be tricked

a second time.

(eerie music continues)

- [Jonathan] What the fuck does that mean?

Hey.

Wait.

Are we the rats?

(eerie music continues)

Are we the rats?

Are we the rats?

Are we the rats?

Are we the rats?

(eerie music continues)

The rats!

(door slams)

(engine revs)

(gentle music)

- They'd let me go a year earlier

at the behest of Richard Nixon.

I'd crawled four stories below Hanoi, Vietnam.

I mapped out dozens of tunnels,

detonated 48 bombs.

How many lives have I destroyed?

How many I ended?

I'll never know.

What I do know

is that I met you on the final day of 1972.

The same day I resolved to kill myself.

(prostitute slurping) (driver moaning)

(footsteps clacking)

- Hey, sweetie. - Hey, baby.

- What can I get you today? - What you got?

- In a barren motel room with a fifth of Tennessee rye,

and a pang of shame permeating the recesses of my soul,

I vowed that this was it.

That I would give myself the discharge I deserved.

(brush scraping)

For hours, I obsessed about doing it.

(brush scraping)

I remember the seconds felt like lifetimes,

but I couldn't do it.

(Jonathan coughs) (brush scraping)

I couldn't experience what my victims had,

those years before.

I could live with nothing.

(Jonathan coughs) (brush scraping)

- Piece of shit. (bucket clatters)

(man laughs)

(foot thuds) (Jonathan groans)

Only the tortured echoes from the past

that were forever by my side.

(child speaks foreign language)

(child speaks foreign language)

(intense eerie music)

(blood dripping)

(blood dripping) (eerie music)

(heartbeat thumps)

(Jonathan sighs)

(dark music)

(vomit splashes)

(prostitute moans and pants)

(prostitute moans and pants)

(prostitute moans and pants) (dark music continues)

(protestors yelling)

(horn honks)

I walked for what felt like days.

I roamed the common, scaled the hell, and meandered

into a labyrinth of the world I no longer remember.

While the pedestrians howled at the world around me,

I trudged further into the darkness

I had loathed so much.

I thought, or rather, hoped,

that it might wash away the patina of guilt

that had coagulated around my heart.

I saw my way out.

- Hearing about the massive invasion of South Vietnam

by the communist armies of North Vietnam.

- [Jonathan] I killed that little girl.

It wasn't the first time,

nor the last.

- And the efforts we are-

- I didn't even know who I was anymore.

What I did know

was that I was a murderer.

- And what we have done since then,

to end American involvement in the war...

(bus engine hums) (dark music)

In the eyes of my superiors,

I had served my country honorably

and I was thusly discharged with such distinction.

"Distinction".

If they only knew.

(dark music continues)

(bus engine revs)

(dark music continues)

(light bulb crackles)

(light bulb crackles)

(grenade clatters)

(ominous music)

(Jonathan pants)

(Jonathan pants)

(Jonathan pants) (ominous music intensifies)

(gun cocks)

(gun fires) (intense eerie music)

(gun fires)

(gun fires)

(gun fires)

(gun fires)

(gun fires)

(gun fires)

(blood splatters)

(eerie music)

(dark rumbling tones)

(ominous music)

(child speaks foreign language)

(suspenseful music)

(paper bag rustles)

(paper bag rustles)

(gun clicks)

(gun clicks)

(gun cocks)

(Jonathan inhales deeply) (tense music)

(Jonathan pants)

(gun fires)

And then...

- [Driver] Hawthorn Street. This is Hawthorn Street.

- [Jonathan] I saw you.

(gentle music)

To this day, I don't know what made me stop,

but there you were.

- [Driver] Next stop will be the last stop on this bus.

(bus engine revs)

(gentle music continues)

- [Jonathan] I'd never seen anything so beautiful.

You were wearing a teal ball gown

that appeared to me to be both regal and ridiculous.

Your brown hair was matted to the right side of your face.

And a galaxy of freckles dusted your shoulders.

I couldn't speak.

When I joined you at the seat,

you looked at me with those big green eyes,

and I could tell that you'd been crying.

And I said...

I, I...

(tires screeching)

(body thumps) (Jonathan groans)

(page flicks)

- [Driver] Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last stop.

Please exit the bus.

(Jonathan groans)

(Jonathan sighs)

(Jonathan pants)

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm, I'm fine.

(Jonathan sighs)

Where you headed?

(pencil scribbles)

Don't you speak?

(page flicks)

(pencil scribbles)

I, uh...

(chuckles) I don't, I don't know.

I don't think I've ever known.

(page flicks)

(pencil scribbles)

(chuckles) Okay.

Yeah, yeah. I'll, I'll play along.

Who's there?

(pencil scribbles)

Mustache who?

(pencil scribbles)

(Jonathan chuckles)

Oh, it's, uh... (chuckles)

It's been a long time since I, uh...

Thank you.

(pencil scribbles)

Yeah.

(bell dings) (melancholy orchestral music)

- Before I knew it, you snatched my hand,

and led me on a dash through downtown and into a diner.

We sat at the booth at the five and dime

and talked like old friends.

We laughed as easily as we lamented.

And you confessed over coffee that you were engaged to a man

you didn't love.

A banker from some line of nobility.

Either way, his parents were throwing a soiree

to ring in the new year.

Hence the dress.

For my part, I shared more of myself

than I could have ever imagined possible at that time.

Didn't mention Vietnam, but I got a sense that you could see

there was a war waging inside me.

Still...

Your eyes offered no pity.

And I loved you for it.

(melancholy music continues)

- [TV Announcer] Last many, many years

that people gathered here on New Years.

The only year that ever had that small a crowd was 1917.

- Hell of a way to chime it in, huh?

- You remind me of someone.

- [TV Announcer] And in a few moments, we'll be turning over

to look at...

- She speaks?

- [TV Announcer] That will signify New Years

to an awful lot of people

all over the United States and Canada.

- [Waitress] We're just getting ready to close up.

Can I get you guys anything? Dessert?

- Apple pie. - Pie.

- [Jonathan] A moment ago, I was planning to end my life.

In an instant, everything had changed.

Now I suddenly wanted pie?

What was happening to me? Who were you?

- [TV Announcer] Why are they there? Very good question!

- Could you excuse me for just a moment?

- [TV Announcer] Very unusual and a very strange way

to celebrate New Years.

Moments from now, this giant crowd here in Times Square-

- Hey!

Judy.

(warm music continues)

My name is Judy.

- Judy.

(muffled chatter from TV) (warm music continues)

(water splashes)

I remember consulting myself in the mirror,

wondering if I should kiss you.

It was New Years in minutes, after all.

No, I couldn't do that.

Could I?

If I should tell you what I'd done

from the tunnels of that village a year before...

If I should return to the .44 caliber

that was tucked in my waistband...

I decided, ultimately,

that I was unworthy of the resuscitation

this stranger in a ball gown had given me,

and to turn my back on such sweet serendipity

would be the real disgrace.

On my way back to the booth, my heart thumped in my chest

like an angry judge's gavel.

And a future,

our future,

flicked in my mind.

When I reached the booth,

I had no idea what I was going to find.

You were gone.

As strangely as our union had begun,

so too had it ended.

(plates clacking)

I was devastated.

But somehow,

I knew.

I went back to that diner every day, for a year.

I think it's a parking lot now, but I never saw you again.

- Are you good, doll?

Can I get you anything else?

- [TV Announcer] From Time Square,

a roar like you've never heard before.

Here we go with the countdown.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One and happy, happy, happy, happy, happy...

- [Jonathan] I am an old man now, and all I know of you

is your name and that you lived in this city once

and even by some miracle, if I happened upon you,

I'm not sure I would recognize you.

Time is cruel that way.

In these intervening 42 years, I've lived a good life.

I've loved a good woman.

I've raised a good man.

I have hard days, too.

My wife passed away four years ago,

and my son, the year before.

I can still smell the smoke over Vietnam.

But then I think of you.

I never really stopped thinking of you.

(keyboard clacks) (gentle music continues)

So, wherever you've been, wherever you are,

and wherever you're going,

know this.

You're always with me.

But as I cast this coin into the wishing well of the cosmos,

it occurs to me,

after a million what-ifs in a lifetime of lost sleep,

that our connection

wasn't missed at all.

(melancholy orchestral music)

I met you on that night, back in 1972.

(melancholy orchestral music continues)

(melancholy orchestral music continues)

(melancholy orchestral music continues)

(somber music)

(somber music continues)